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Jam pueris pellem succinctus, et enophorum aptas; and prosperity. At such times men nåtur-
ally endeavour to outshine one another in
selves in the enjoyment of all the pleaCæna sit in transtro? Veientanumque rubellum sures they can get into their possession; Exhalet vapida læsum pice sessilis obba ?
which naturally produces avarice, and Quid petis? Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto Nutrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces?
an immoderate pursuit after wealth and Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est riches. Quod vivis; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies.
As I was humouring myself in the specu Vive mernor lethi; fugit hora. Hoc quod loquc inde est.
lation of those two great principles of acEn quid agis ? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo. tion, I could not forbear throwing my Hunccine, an hunc sequeris??
Sat. v. 132. thoughts into a little kind of allegory or . Whether alone or in thy harlot's lap,
fable, with which I shall here present my When thou wouldst take a lazy morning's nap; reader. Up, up, says Avarice; thou snor'st again, Stretchest thy limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain.
There were two very powerful tyrants The rugged tyrant no denial takes;
engaged in a perpetual war against each At his command th' unwilling sluggard wakes. other, the name of the first was Luxury, What must I do? he cries; What? says his lord;
and of the second Avarice. The aim of Why rise, make ready, and go straight aboard; With fish, from Euxine seas, thy vessel freight;
each of them was no less than universal Flax, castor, Coan wines, the precious we'ght monarchy over the hearts of mankind. Of pepper, and Sabean incense, take
Luxury had many generals under him, With thy own hands, from the tir'd camel's back, And with post-haste thy running markets make; who did him great service, as Pleasure, Be sure to turn the penny; lie and swear ;
Mirth, Pomp, and Fashion, Avarice was 'Tis wholesome sin: but Jove, thou say'st will hear.
likewise very strong in his officers, being Swear, fool, or starve, for the dilemma's even ; A tradesman thou! and hope to go to heay'n?
faithfully served by Hunger, Industry, Resolv'd for sea, the slaves thy baggage pack, Cate, and Watchfulness: he had likewise Each saddled with his burden on his back:
a privy-counsellor who was always at his Nothing retards thy voyage now, but he, That soft, voluptuous prince, call'd Luxury;
elbow, and whispering something or other And he may ask this civil question; Friend,
in his ear: the name of this privy-coun What dost thou make a shipboard ? To what end ?
sellor was Poverty. As Avarice con Art thou of Bethlem's noble college free? Stark, staring mad, that thou would'st tempt the sea? Cubb'd in a cabin, on a matrass laid,
his antagonist was entirely guided by the On a brown George, with lousy swabbers fed;
dictates and advice of Plenty, who was his Dead wine, that stinks of the Borachio, sup From a fowl jack, or greasy maple cup?
first counsellor and minister of state, that Say would'st thou bear all this, to raise thy store concerted all his measures for him, and From six i' th hundred to six hundred more?
never departed out of his sight. While Indulge, and to thy genius freely give; For, not to live at ease, is not to live.
these two great rivals were thus contendDeath stalks behind thee, and each flying hour ing for empire, their conquests were very Does some loose remnant of thy life devour.
various Luxury got possession of one Live, while thou liv'st; for death will make us all
heart, and Avarice of another. The father A name, a nothing but an old wife's tale. Speak : wilt thou Avarice or Pleasure choose
of a family would often range himself unTo be thy lord ? Take one, and one refuse.'
der the banners of Avarice, and the son When a government flourishes in con- under those of Luxury. The wife and the quests, and is secure from foreign attacks, husband would often declare themselves it naturally falls into all the pleasures of on the two different parties: nay, the same luxury; and as these pleasures are very person would very often side with one in expensive, they put those who are ad- | his youth, and revolt to the other in his old dicted to them upon raising fresh supplies age. Indeed the wise men of the world of money, by all the methods of rapacious stood neuter; but alas! their numbers were ness and corruption; so that avarice and not considerable. At length, when these luxury very often become one complicated two potentates had wearied themselves with principle of action, in those whose hearts waging war upon one another, they agreed are wholly set upon ease, magnificence, upon an interview, at which neither of and pleasure. The most elegant and cor- their counsellors were to be present. It is rect of all the Latin historians observes, said that Luxury began the parley, and af that in his time, when the most formidable ter having represented the endless state of states of the world were subdued by the Ro-war in which they were engaged, told his mans, the republic sunk into those two vices enemy, with a frankness of heart which is of a quite different nature, luxury and ava- natural to him, that he believed they two rice:* and accordingly describes Catiline as should be very good friends were in not for one who coveted the wealth of other men. | the instigations of Poverty, that pernicious at the same time that he squandered away
counsellor, who made an ill use of his ear, his own. This observation on the com- and filled him with groundless apprehenmonwealth, when it was in its height of sions and prejudices. To this Avarice re power and riches, holds good of all go-plied, that he looked upon Plenty (the first vernments that are settled in a state of ease minister of his antagonist) to be a much
more destructive counsellor than Poverty, * Alieni appetens, sui profusus.-Sal.
for that he was perpetually suggesting pleasures, banishing all the necessary cau- friend of mine, whom I have formerly men tions against want, and consequently un- tioned, prevailed upon one of the interpre dermining those principles on which the ters of the Indian kings, to inquire of them, government of Avarice was founded. At if possible, what tradition they have among last, in order to an accommodation, they them of this matter: which, as well as he agreed upon this preliminary; that each of could learn by many questions which he them should immediately dismiss his privy- | asked them at several times, was in subcounsellor. When things were thus far stance as follows:adjusted towards a peace, all other differ- The visionary, whose name was Marra ences were soon accommodated, insomuch ton, after having travelled for a long space that for the future they resolved to live as under a hollow mountain, arrived at length good friends and confederates, and to share on the confines of this world of spirit, but between them whatever conquests were could not enter it by reason of a thick forest made on either side. For this reason, we made up of bushes, brambles, and pointed now find Luxury and Avarice taking pos- thorns, so perplexed and interwoven with session of the same heart, and dividing the one another, that it was impossible to find same person between them. To which I a passage through it. Whilst he was lookshall only add, that since the discarding of ing about for some track or pathway that the counsellors above-mentioned, Avarice might be worn in any part of it, he saw a supplies Luxury in the room of Plenty, as huge lion crouched under the side of it, Luxury prompts Avarice in the place of who kept his eye upon him in the same Poverty.
| posture as when he watches for his prey.
The Indian immediately started back,
whilst the lion rose with a spring, and No. 56.] Friday, May 4, 1711.
leaped towards him. Being wholly desti
tute of all other weapons, he stooped down Felices errore suo. Lucan, i. 454. to take up a huge stone in his hand; but to
his infinite surprise grasped nothing, and Happy in their mistake.
found the supposed stone to be only the apTHE Americans believe that all crea- parition of one. If he was disappointed on tures have souls, not only men and women, this side, he was as much pleased on the but brutes, vegetables, nay, even the most other, when he found the lion, which had inanimate things, as stocks and stones. seized on his left shoulder, had no power They believe the same of all the works of to hurt him, and was only the ghost of that art, as of knives, boats, looking-glasses; ravenous creature which it appeared to be. and that as any of these things perish, their He no sooner got rid of this impotent enesouls go into another world, which is in- my, but he marched up to the wood, and habited by the ghosts of men and women. after having surveyed it for some time, en For this reason they always place by the deavoured to press into one part of it that corpse of their dead friend a bow and ar- i was a little thinner than the rest; when rows, that he may make use of the souls of again, to his great surprise, he found the them in the other world, as he did of their bushes made no resistance, but that he wooden bodies in this. How absurd soever walked through briars and brambles with such an opinion as this may appear, our the same ease as through the open air; and European philosophers have maintained in short, that the whole wood was nothing several notions altogether as improbable. else but a wood of shades. He immediately Some of Plato's followers in particular, concluded, that this huge thicket of thorns when they talk of the world of ideas, enter- and brakes was designed as a kind of fence tain us with substances and beings no less or quickset hedge to the ghosts it enclosed; extravagant and chimerical. Many Aris- and that probably their soft substances totelians have likewise spoken as unintelli- might be torn by these subtle points and gibly of their substantial forms. I shall prickles, which were too weak to make only instance Albertus Magnus, who, in any impressions in flesh and blood. With his dissertation upon the load-stone, ob- this thought he resolved to travel through serving that fire will destroy its magnetic this intricate wood; when by degrees he virtues, tells us that he took particular no- felt a gale of perfumes breathing upon him, tice of one as it lay glowing amidst a heap that grew stronger and sweeter in proporof burning coals, and that he perceived a tion as he advanced. He had not proceeded certain blue vapour to arise from it, which much further, when he observed the thorns he believed might be the substantial form, and briers to end, and gave place to a thou that is in our West Indian phrase, the soul sand beautiful green trees covered with of the loadstone.
blossoms of the finest scents and colours, There is a tradition among the Ameri- that formed a wilderness of sweets, and cans, that one of their countrymen de-were a kind of lining to those ragged scenes scended in a vision to the great repository which he had before passed through. As : of souls, or, as we call it here, to the other he was coming out of this delightful part world; and that upon his return he gave of the wood, and entering upon the, plains his friends a distinct account of every thing it enclosed, he saw several horsemen rushhe saw among those regic is of the dead. A ling by him, and a little while after he heard
the cry of a pack of dogs. He had not but his tears, which ran like a river down listened long before he saw the apparition his cheeks as he looked upon her. He had of a milk-white steed, with a young man on not stood in this posture long, before he the back of it, advancing upon full stretch plunged into the stream that lay before him; after the souls of about a hundred beagles, and finding it to be nothing but the phantom that were hunting down the ghost of a hare, of a river, walked on the bottom of it till which ran away before them with an un- he arose on the other side. At his approach speakable swiftness. As the man on the Yaratilda flew into his arms, whilst Marmilk-white steed came by him, he looked raton wished himself disencumbered of that upon him very attentively, and found him body which kept her from his embraces. to be the young prince Nicharagua, who After many questions and endearments on died about half a year before, and by rea- both sides, she conducted him to a bower son of his great virtues, was at that time which she had dressed with all the ornalamented over all the western parts of ments that could be met with in those America.
blooming regions. She had made it gay He had no sooner got out of the wood, but beyond imagination, and was every day he was entertained with such a landscape adding something new to it. As Marraton of flowery plains, green meadows, running stood astonished at the unspeakable beauty streams, sunny hills, and shady vales, as of her habitation, and ravished with the frawere not to be represented by his own ex-grancy that came from every part of it, pressions, nor, as he said, by the concep- Yaratilda told him that she was preparing tions of others. This happy region was this bower for his reception, as well knowpeopled with innumerable swarms of spi- ing that his piety to his God, and his faithrits, who applied themselves to exercises ful dealing towards men, would certainly and diversions, according as their fancies bring him to that happy place, whenever led them, Some of them were tossing the his life should be at an end. She then figure of a coit; others were pitching the brought two of her children to him, who shadow of a bar; others were breaking the died some years before, and resided with apparition of a horse; and multitudes em- her in the same delightful bower; advising ploying themselves upon ingenious handi- him to breed up those others which were crafts with the souls of departed utensils, still with him in such a manner, that they for that is the name which in the Indian might hereafter all of them meet together language they give their tools when they in this happy place. are burnt or broken. As he travelled The tradition tells us further, that he through this delightful scene, he was very had afterwards a sight of those dismal haoften tempted to pluck the flowers that bitations which are the portion of ill men rose every where about him in the greatest after death; and mentions several moiten variety and profusion, having never seen seas of gold, in which were plunged the several of them in his own country: but he souls of barbarous Europeans, who put to quickly found, that though they were ob- the sword so many thousands of poor Injects of his sight, they were not liable to dians for the sake of that precious metal. his touch. He at length came to the side But having already touched upon the chief of a great river, and being a good fisher-points of this tradition, and exceeded the man himself, stood upon the banks of it measure of my paper, I shall not give any some time to look upon an angler that had further account of it. taken a great many shapes of fishes, which lay flouncing up and down by him.
I should have told my reader, that this Indian had been formerly married to one
No. 57.] Saturday, May 5, 1711. of the greatest beauties of his country, by Quem præstare potest mulier galeata pudorem, whom he had several children. This couple
Quæ fugit a sexu ?
Juv. Sat. vi. 251. were so famous for their love and constancy What sense of shame in woman's breast can lie, to one another, that the Indians to this day,
Inur'd to arms, and her own sex to fly.--Dryden. when they give a married man joy of his WHEN the wife of Hector, in Homer's wife, wish they may live together like Iliad, discourses with her husband about Marraton and Yaratilda. Marraton had the battle in which he was going to engage, not stood long by the fisherman, when he the hero, desiring her to leave the matter to saw the shadow of his beloved Yaratilda, his care, bids her go to her maids, and mind who had for some time fixed her eyes upon her spinning: by which the poet intimates him, before he discovered her. Her arms that men and women ought to busy themwere stretched out towards him, floods of selves in their proper spheres, and on such tears ran down her eyes. Her looks, her matters only as are suitable to their respechands, her voice called him over to her; tive sex. and at the same time seemed to tell him I am at this time acquainted with a young that the river was impassable. Who can gentleman, who has passed a great part of describe the passion made up of joy, sor- his life in the nursery, and upon occasion row, love, desire, astonishment, that rose can make a ca idle or a sack-posset better in the Indian upon the sight of liis dear Ya- than any man in England. He is likewise a atilda. He could express it by nothing wonderful critic in cambricand muslins, and
will talk an hour together upon a sweet-, petticoat. Had not this accident broke ofi meat. He entertains his mother every night the debate, nobody knows where it would with observations that he makes both in have ended. town and court: as what lady shows the There is one consideration which I would nicest fancy in her dress; what man of earnestly recommend to all my female rea quality wears the fairest wig; who has the ders, and which, I hope, will have some finest linen, who the prettiest snuff-box, weight with them. In short, it is this, that with many other the like curious remarks, there is nothing so bad for the face as party that may be made in good company, zeal. It gives an ill-natured cast to the eye
On the other hand, I have very frequently and a disagreeable sourness to the look; bethe opportunity of seeing a rural Andro- sides that it makes the lines too strong, and mache, who came up to town last winter, flushes them worse than brandy, I have and is one of the greatest fox-hunters in the seen a woman's face break out in heats, as country. She talks of hounds and horses, she has been talking against a great lord, and makes nothing of leaping over a six-whom she had never seen in her life; and bar gate. If a man tells her a waggish indeed I never knew a party-woman that story, she gives him a push with her hand kept her beauty for a twelve-month. I in jest, and calls him an impudent dog; and would therefore advise all my female reaif her servant neglects his business, threat- ders, as they value their complexions, to ens to kick him out of the house. I have let alone all'disputes of this nature; though heard her in her wrath call a substantial at the same time, I would give free liberty tradesman a lousy cur; and remember one to all superannuated motherly partisans to clay, when she could not think of the name be as violent as they please, since there will of a person, she described him in a large be no danger either of their spoiling their company of men and ladies by the fellow faces, or of their gaining converts. with the broad shoulders.
For my own part I think a man makes an If those speeches and actions, which in odious and despicable figure that is violent their own nature are indifferent, appear in a party; but a woman is too sincere to ridiculous when they proceed from a wrong mitigate the fury of her principles with sex, the faults and imperfections of one sex temper and discretion, and to act with that transplanted into another, appear black caution and reservedness which are requiand monstrous. As for the men, I shall not site in our sex. When this unnatural zeal in this paper any further concern myself gets into them, it throws them into ten about them; but as I would fain contribute thousand heats and extravagancies; their to make womankind, which is the most generous souls set no bounds to their love, beautiful part of the creation, entirely amia- or to their hatred; and whether a whig or ble, and wear out all those little spots and a tory, a lap-dog or a gallant, an opera or blemishes that are apt to rise among the a puppet-show, be the object of it, the pascharms which nature has poured out upon sion, while it reigns, engrosses the whole them, I shall dedicate this paper to their woman. service. The spot which I would here en- I remember when Dr. Titus Oates* was deavour to clear them of, is that party rage in all his glory, I accompanied my friend which of late years is very much crept into Will Honeycomb in a visit to a lady of his their conversation. This is, in its nature, acquaintance. We were no sooner sat a male vice, and made up of many angry down, but upon casting my eyes about the and cruel passions that are altogether re- | room, I found in almost every corner of it pugnant to the softness, the modesty, and a print that represented the doctor in all those other endearing qualities which are magnitudes and dimensions. A little after, natural to the fair sex. Women were form- as the lady was discoursing with my friend, ed to temper mankind, and soothe them into and held her snuff-box in her hand, who tenderness and compassion; not to set an should I see in the lid of it but the doctor, edge upon their minds, and blow up in them It was not long after this when she had oc those passions which are too apt to rise of casion for her handkerchief, which, upon their own accord. When I have seen as the first opening, discovered among the pretty mouth uttering calumnies and invec- i plaits of it the figure of the doctor. Upon tives, what would I not have given to have this my friend Will, who loves raillery,
some of the finest features in the world grow place (for that was the name of her huspale, and tremble with party rage? Ca- band) he should be made as uneasy by a milla is one of the greatest beauties in the handkerchief as ever Othello was. I am British nation, and yet values herself more afraid,' said she, Mr. Honeycomb, you upon being the virago of one party, than are a tory: tell me truly, are you a friend upon being the toast of both. The dear to the doctor, or not? Will, instead of creature, about a week ago, encountered making her a reply, smiled in her face (for the fierce and beautiful Penthesilea across | indeed she was very pretty) and told her, a tea-table; but in the height of her anger, that one of her patches was dropping off. as her hand chanced to shake with the
* The name of Dr. T. Oates is here substituted for her | that of Dr. Sacheverell, who is the real person meant.
She immediately adjusted it, and looking as reason, I shall enter upon my present un little seriously, "Well,' says she, “I will dertaking with greater cheerfulness. be hanged if you and your silent friend! In this, and one or two following papers, there are not against the doctor in your I shall trace out the history of false wit, and hearts, I suspected as much by his saying distinguish the several kinds of it as they nothing.' Upon this she took her fan in her have prevailed in different ages of the hand, and upon the opening of it, again dis- world. This I think the more necessary at played to us the figure of the doctor, who present, because I observed there were was placed with great gravity among the attempts on foot last winter to revive some sticks of it. In a word, I found that the of those antiquated modes of wit that have doctor had taken possession of her thoughts, been long exploded out of the commonher discourse, and most of her furniture; wealth of letters. There were several but finding myself pressed too close by her satires and panegyrics handed about in question, I winked upon my friend to take acrostic, by which means some of the most his leave, which he did accordingly. arrant undisputed blockheads about the
town began to entertain ambitious thoughts,
and to set up for polite authors. I shall No. 58.] Monday, May 7, 1711.
therefore describe at length those many
arts of false wit, in which a writer does not Ut pictura poesis erit
show himself a man of a beautiful genius, Hor. Ars Poct, ver. 361.
but of great industry, Poems like pictures are.
The first species of false wit which I NOTHING is so much admired, and so have met with is very venerable for its anlittle understood, as wit. No author that I tiquity, and has produced several pieces know of has written professedly upon it; which have lived very near as long as the and as for those who make any mention of Iliad itself: I mean those short poems it, they only treat on the subject as it has printed among the minor Greek poets, accidentally fallen in their way, and that which resemble the figure of an egg, a pair too in little short reflections, or in general of wings, an axe, a shepherd's pipe, and declamatory flourishes, without entering an altar. into the bottom of the matter. I hope As for the first, it is a little oval poem, therefore I shall perform an acceptable and may not improperly be called a schowork to my countrymen, if I treat at large lar's egg. I would endeavour to hatch it, or upon this subject; which I shall endeavour in more intelligible language, to translate it to do in a manner suitable to it, that I may into English, did not I find the interpretanot incur the censure which a famous critic* tion of it very difficult; for the author seems bestows upon one who had written a trea- to have been more intent upon the figure tise on the sublime' in a low grovelling of his poem than upon the sense of it. style. I intend to lay aside a whole week! The pair of wings consist of twelve for this undertaking, that the scheme of verses, or rather feathers, every verse demy thoughts may not be broken and in- creasing gradually in its measure according terrupted; and I' dare promise myself, if to its situation in the wing. The subject of my readers will give me a week's attention, it (as in the rest of the poems which follow) that this great city will be very much bears some remote affinity with the figure, changed for the better by next Saturday for it describes a god of love, who is always night. I shall endeavour to make what I painted with wings. say intelligible to ordinary capacities, but if! The axe methinks would have been å my readers meet with any paper that in good figure for a lampoon, had the edge of some parts of it may be a little out of their it consisted of the most satirical parts of reach, I would not have them discouraged. I the work; but as it is in the original, I take for they may assure themselves the next it to have been nothing else but the posy of shall be much clearer.
an axe which was consecrated to Minerva, As the great and only end of these my and was thought to have been the same speculations is to banish vice and ignorance that Epeus made use of in the building of out of the territories of Great Britain, I the Trojan horse; which is a hint I shall shall endeavour as much as possible to leave to the consideration of the critics. I establish among us a taste of polite writing. am apt to think that the posy was written It is with this view that I have endeavoured originally upon the axe, like those which to set my readers right in several points our modern cutlers inscribe upon their relating to operas and tragedies; and shall knives; and that therefore the posy still refrom time to time impart my notions of mains in its ancient shape, though the axe comedy, as I think they may tend to its re- itself is lost. finement and perfection. I find by my! The shepherd's pipe may be said to be bookseller, that these papers of criticism, full of music, for it is composed of nine difwith that upon humour, have met with á ferent kinds of verses, which by their sevemore kind reception than indeed I could ral lengths resemble the nine stops of the nave hoped for from such subjects; for this old musical instrument, that is likewise the
subject of the poem. * Longinus.
The altar is inscribed with the epitaph