North. It relieves Mr. Ambrose and his young gentlemen from unnecessary attendance—and, besides, the exercise is most salutary to persons of our age, who are apt to get fat and indolent.

Shepherd. Fozey. So ye contrive to rin upon horrals, halting before a darling dish, and then away on a voyage of new discovery. This explains the itherwise unaccoontable size o' this immense circle o' a table. Safe us! It would sit forty! And yet, by this ingenious contrivance, it is just about sufficient for us Three. Hae ye ta’en oot a pawtent?

North. No. I hate monopolies.

Shepherd. What! You, the famous foe o' free tredd!
North. With our national debt-

Shepherd. Dinna tempt me, sir, to lose a' patience under a treatise

on taxes

North. Well-I won't. But you admire these curricles?

Shepherd. Movable at the touch o' the wee finger. Whase invention ?

North. My own.

Shepherd. You Dædalus!

North. The principle, James, I believe is perfect—but I have not yet been able to get the construction of the vehicle exactly to my mind.

Shepherd. I dinna ken what mair you cou'd houp for, unless it were to move at a thocht. Farewell, sirs, I'm aff across the line to yon pienae sma' bulk even at this distance. Can it be pigeons ?

North. Take your trumpet.

(SHEPHERD wheels away southeast.)

Shepherd. That beats a'. For ilka man a silver speakin' trumpet! Let's try mine. (SHEPHERD puts his trumpet to his mouth.) Ship, ahoy! Ship, ahoy!

North. (trumpet-tongued.) The Endeavour-bound for

Shepherd. Whisht-whisht-sir-I beseech you whisht. Nae drums can staun siccan a trumpet, blawn by siccan lungs. (Laying down his trumpet.) This is, indeed, the Pie o' Pies. I houp Mr. Tickler 'll no think o' wheelin' roun to this quarter o' the globe.

Tickler. (on the trumpet.) What sort of picking have you got at the Antipodes, James?

Shepherd. Roar a little louder-for I'm dull o' hearin'. Is he speakin' o' the Bench o' Bishops?

Tickler. (as before, but louder.) What pie?

Shepherd. Ay-ay.

Tickler. (larghetto.) What pie?

Shepherd. Ay-ay. What'n a gran' echo up in yon corner ! (TICKLER wheels away in search of the northwest passage—and on his approach, the SHEPHERD weighs anchor with the pie, and

keeps beating up to windward-close hauled-at the rate of eight knots, chased by SOUTHSIDE, who is seen dropping fast to leeward.)

North. He'll not weather the point of Firkin.

Shepherd. (putting about under NORTH's stern.) I'll rin for protection frae the Pirrat, under the guns o' the Old Admiral—and, being on the same station, I suppose he's entitled to his ain share o' the prize: Here, my jolly veteran, here's the Pie. Begin wi' a couple o' cushats, and we'll divide atween us the croon o' paste in the middle, about as big's the ane the King-God bless him-wore at the coronation.

(TICKLER wheels his chair into the nook, on the right of the chimney-piece).

Southside, hae you deserted the diet? O, man! you're surely no sulky? Come back-come back, I beseech you-and let us shake hauns. It'll never do for us true Tories to quarrel amang oursells at this creesis. What'n a triumph to the Whigs, when they hear o' this schism? Let's a' hae a finger in the pie, and as the Lord Chancellor said, and I presume did, in the House o' Lords*-" on my bended knees, I implore you to pass this bill !"

(The SHEPHERD kneels before TICKLER, and presents to him a plateful of the pie).

Tickler. (returning to the administration.) James, you have conquered, and we are reconciled.

North. Trumpets! (Three trumpet cheers.)

Gurney. (Rushing in alarm from the Ear of Dionysius.)

Gentle

men, the house is surrounded by a mob of at least fifty thousand Reformers, who with dreadful hurrahs are shouting for blood.

Shepherd. Fifty thousan'! Wha counted the radical rascals? Gurney. I conjecture their numbers from their noise. For heaven's sake, Mr. North, do not attempt to address the mob

North. Trumpets! (Three trumpet cheers.)

Gurney. (Retiring much abashed into his Ear.) Miraculous!
Ambrose. (Entering with much emotion.)

Mr. North, I fear the house is surrounded by the enemies of the constitution, demanding the person of the Protector

Shepherd. Trumpets! (Three trumpet cheers. Exit AMBROSE in astonishment.)

North. Judging from appearances, I presume dinner is over.
Shepherd. A'm staw'd."

North. There is hardly any subject which we have not touched, and not one have we touched which we did not adorn.

Shepherd. By soobjects do you mean dishes! Certes, we have dis

Brougham entreated the Lords, even for their own sakes, to pass the Reform Bill, and as his knee rested on the wool-sack said, "Yea, even upon bended knee, I do implore you."--M.

VOL. IV.-29

cussed a hantle o' them-some pairtly and ithers totally; but there's food on the brodd yet sufficient for a score o' ordinar men— Tickler. And we shall have it served up, James, to supper. Shepherd. Soun' doctrine. What's faith without warks? North. Now, gentlemen, a fair start. Draw up on my right, James— elbow to elbow. Tickler, your place is on the extrême gauche. You both know the course. The hearth-rug of the Snuggery's the goal. All ready? Away!

(The start is the most beautiful thing ever seen—and all three at once make play.)

SCENE II.-The Snuggery-Enter NORTH on his Flying Chair, at the rate of the Derby, beating, by several lengths, TICKLER and the SHEPHERD, now neck and neck.

North. (Pulling up as soon as he has passed the Judges' stand.) Our nags are pretty much on a par, I believe, in point of condition, but much depends, in a short race, on a good start, and there the old man showed his jockeyship.

Shepherd. 'Twas a fause start, sir-'twas a fause start-I'll swear it was a fause start, sir, till ma deein' day-for I had na gotten mysell settled in the saddle, till ye was aff like a shot, and afore I could get intil a gallop, you was half way across the flat o' the saloon.

North. James, there could be no mistake. The signal to start was given by Saturn himself; and

Shepherd. And then Tickler, afore me and him got to the fauldin'. doors, after some desperate crossin' and jostlin', I alloo, on baith sides, ran me clean aff the coorse, and I had to make a complete circle in the bow-window or I cou'd get the head o' my horse pinted again in a right direction for winnin' the race. Ca' ye that fair? I shall refer the haill business to the decision o' the Jockey Club.

North. What have you to say, Tickler, in answer to this very serious charge?

Tickler. Out of his own mouth, sir, I convict him of conduct that must have the effect of debarring the Shepherd from ever again comFeting for these stakes.

Shepherd. For what steaks! Do you mean to manteen, you brazenfaced ne'er-do-weel, that I am never to be alloo'd again to rin Mr. North frae the saloon to the snuggery for ony steaks we choose, or chops either? Things 'll hae come to a pretty pass, when it sall be necessar to ask your leave to start--you blacklegs.

Tickler. He's confessed the crossing and jostling.

Shepherd. You lee. Wha' began't? We started sidey by sidey, you see, sir, frae the rug afore the fire, where we was a' three drawn up, and just as you was gaun out o' sight atween the pillars, Tickler and

me ran foul o' ane anither at the nor'east end o' the circular. There was nae fawte on either side there, and am no blamin' him, except for ackwardness, which was aiblins mutual. As sune's we had gotten disentangled, we entered by look o' ee, if no word o' mouth, intil a social compact to rin roun' opposite sides o' the table-which we did—and in proof that neither o' us had gain'd an inch on the ither, no sooner had we rounded the southwest cape, than together came we wi' sic a clash, that I thocht we had been baith killed on the spat. There was nae fawte on either side there, ony mair than there had been at the nor'east; but then began his violation o' a' honour; for havin' succeeded in shovin' mysell aff, I was makin' for the fauldin' doors-due west-ettlin' for the inside, to get a short turn-when whuppin' and spurrin' like mad, what does he do, but charge me right on the flank, and drive me, as I said afore, several yards aff the coorse towards the bow-window, where I was necessitated to fetch a circumbendibus, that wou'd hae lost me the race had I ridden Eclipse. Ca' ye that fair? But it was agreed that we were to be guided by the law of Newmarket, sae I'll refer the haill affair to the Jockey Club.

Tickler. Hear me for a moment, sir. True, we got entangled at the nor'west-most true at the sou'west came we together with a clash. But what means the Shepherd by shoving off? Why, sir, he caught hold of my right arm as in a vice, so that I could make no use of that member, while, at the same time, he locked me into his own rear, and then away he went like a two-year-old, having, as he vainly dreamt, the race in hand by that manœuvre, so disgraceful to the character of the carpet.

North. If you please-turf.

Tickler. Under such circumstances, was I to consider myself bound by laws which he himself had broken and reduced to a dead letter? No. My subsequent conduct he has accurately described-off the course— for we have a bit of speed in us-I drove him; but as for the circumbendibus in the bow-window, we must believe that on his own word. Shepherd. And daur you, sir, or ony man breathin', to doubt ma word

North. Be calm, gentlemen. The dispute need not be referred to the Club; for, consider you were nowhere.

Shepherd. Eh?

North. You were both distanced.

Shepherd. Baith distanced! Hoo? Where's the post?
North. The door-post of the Snuggery.

rug.

Shepherd. Baith our noses were through afore you had reached the I'll tak my Bible-oath on't. Werena they, Tickler?

Tickler. Both.

North. Not a soul of you entered this room for several seconds after I had dismounted

Shepherd. After he had dismounted? Haw! haw! haw! Tickler North confesses he had dismounted afore he was weighed-and has thereby lost the race! Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah! Noo, oors was a dead heatt-so let us divide the stakes

Tickler. With all my heart; but we ran for the Gold Cup.

Shepherd. Eh! sae we did, man; and yonner it's on the side-board -a bonny bit o' bullion. Let's keep it year about; and, to prevent ony hargle-barglin' about it, let the first turn be mine; oh! but it'll do wee Jamie's heart gude to glower on't stannin' aside the siller punchbowl I got frae my friend Mr.- -What's the matter wi' ye, Mr. North ? What for sae doon i' the mouth? Why fret sae at a trifle?

North. No honour can accrue from a conquest achieved by a quirk. Shepherd. Nor dishonour frae defeat;—then "prithee why so pale, wan lover? prithee why so pale?"

Tickler. I can hardly credit my senses when I hear an old sportsman call that a quirk, which is in fact one of the foundation-stones of the law of Racing.

Shepherd. I maun gang back for
North. Your shoon?

my shoon.

Shepherd. Aye, ma shoon-I flung them baith in Mr. Tickler's face -for which I noo ask his pardon-when he ran me aff the coorse— Tickler. No offence, my dear James, for I returned the compliment with both snuff-boxes

North. Oh! oh! So you who urge against me the objection of having dismounted before going to scale, both confess that you flung away weight during the race?

Shepherd. Eh? Mr. Tickler, answer him

Tickler. Do James.

Shepherd, (scratching his head with one hand, and stroking his chin with the other.) We've a' three won, and we've a' three lost. That's the short and the lang o't-sae the Cup maun staun owre till anither trial.

North. Let it be decided now. From Snuggery to Saloon.

Shepherd. What? after frae Saloon to Snuggery? That wou'd be reversin' the order o' nature. Besides, we maun a' three be unco dry -sae let's turn to till the table-and see what's to be had in the way o' drink. What'n frutes!

North. These are ribstons, James-a pleasant apple-
Shepherd. And what's thir?

North. Golden pippins.

Shepherd. Sic jargonels! shaped like peeries-and yon abuns (can they be ripe?) like taps. And what ca' ye thae, like great big fir cones wi' outlandish lookin' palm-tree leaves archin' frae them wi' an elegance o' their ain, rough though they seem in the rhinn, and aiblins prickly! What ca' ye them?