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fiction.

No. 500.]

Friday, October 8, 1712.
-Huc natas adjice septem,

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Et todidem juvenes; et mox generosque nurusque :
Quærite nunc, habeat quam nostra superbia causam.
Ovid. Met. Lib. vi. 182.

Seven are my daughters, of a form divine,
With seven fair sons, an indefective line.
Go, fools, consider this, and ask the cause
From which my pride its strong presumption draws.
Crozal.

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SIR,

several ladings. The first of them had a huge The ladies will see by this letter what I sack upon her shoulders, which she set down have often told them, that Will is one of those with great care. Upon the opening of it, old-fashioned men of wit and pleasure of the when I expected to have seen her husband town, that shows his parts by raillery on marshot out of it, I found it was filled with china- riage, and one who has often tried his fortune ware. The next appeared in a more decent that way without success. I cannot however figure, carrying a handsome young fellow upon dismiss this letter, without observing, that the her back I could not forbear commending true story on which it is built does honour to the young woman for her conjugal affection, the sex, and that, in order to abuse them, the when, to my great surprise, I found that she writer is obliged to have recourse to dream and had left the good man at home, and brought away her gallaut. I saw the third, at some distance, with a little withered face peeping over her shoulder, whom I could not suspect for any but her spouse, until upon her setting him down I heard her call him dear pug, and found him to be her favourite monkey. A fourth brought a huge bale of cards along with her, and the fifth a Bologna lap-dog; for her husband, it seems, being a very burly man, she thought it would be less trouble for her to bring away little Cupid. The next was the wife of a rich usurer, loaden with a bag of gold; she told us that her spouse was very old, and by the course of nature could not expect 'You, who are so well acquainted with the to live long; and that to show her tender re-story of Socrates, must have read how, upon gards for him, she had saved that which the his making a discourse concerning love, he poor man loved better than his life. The next pressed his point with so much success, that came towards us with her son upon her back, all the bachelors in his audience took a resoluwho, we were told, was the greatest rake in the tion to marry by the first opportunity, and place, but so much the mother's darling, that that all the married men immediately took she left her husband behind with a large family horse and galloped home to their wives. I am of hopeful sons and daughters, for the sake of apt to think your discourses, in which you this graceless youth. have drawn so many agreeable pictures of 'It would be endless to mention the several marriage, have had a very good effect this persons, with their several loads, that appeared way in England. We are obliged to you, at to me in this strange vision. All the place least, for having taken off that senseless ridiabout me was covered with packs of ribands, cule, which for many years the witlings of the brocades, embroidery, and ten thousand other town have turned upon their fathers and momaterials, sufficient to have furnished a whole thers. For my own part, I was born in wedstreet of toy-shops. One of the women, having lock, and I do not care who knows it; for a husband, who was none of the heaviest, was which reason, among many others, I should bringing him off upon her shoulders, at the look upon myself as a most insufferable coxsame time that she carried a great bundle of comb, did I endeavour to maintain that cuckFlanders lace under her arm; but finding her- oldom was inseparable from marriage, or to self so overloaden, that she could not save both make use of husband and wife as terms of reof them, she dropped the good man, and brought proach. Nay, sir, I will go one step further, away the bundle. In short, I found but one and declare to you, before the whole world, husband among this great mountain of bag- that I am a married man, and at the same gage, who was a lively cobbler, that kicked and time I have so much assurance as not to be spurred all the while his wife was carrying him ashamed of what I have done. on, and, as it was said, he had scarce passed a day in his life without giving her the discipline of the strap.

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Among the several pleasures that accompany this state of life, in which you have described in your former papers, there are two 'I cannot conclude my letter, dear Spec, you have not taken notice of, and which are without telling thee one very odd whim in this seldom cast into the account by those who my dream. I saw, methought, a dozen women write on this subject. You must have obemployed in bringing off one man; I could served, in your speculations on human nature, not guess who it should be, until upon his that nothing is more gratifying to the mind of nearer approach I discovered thy short phiz. man than power or dominion; and this I think The women all declared that it was for the myself amply possessed of, as I am the father sake of thy works, and not thy person, that of a family. I am perpetually taken up in givthey brought thee off, and that it was on con- ing out orders, in prescribing duties, in heardition that thou shouldst continue the Specta- ing parties, in administering justice, and in distor. If thou thinkest this dream will make a tributing rewards and punishments. To speak tolerable one, it is at thy service, from, in the language of the centurion, I say unto one, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it. In short, sir, I look upon my family as a patriarchal sovereignty, in which I

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'Dear Spec,
Thine, sleeping and waking,

WILL HONEYCOMB.'

am myself both king and priest. All great him his whole estate. For this reason I can‹ governments are nothing else but clusters of not forbear amusing myself with finding out a these little private royalties and therefore I general, an admiral, or an alderman of Lonconsider the masters of families as small de- don, a divine, a physician, or a lawyer, among puty-governors, presiding over the several my little people who are now perhaps in petlittle parcels and divisions of their fellow-sub-ticoats; and when I see the motherly airs of jects. As I take great pleasure in the adminis- my little daughters when they are playing tration of my government in particular, so with their puppets, I cannot but flatter my. I look upon myself not only as a more useful, self that their husbands and children will be but as a much greater and happier man than happy in the possession of such wives and any bachelor in England of my rank and con- mothers. dition.

'If you are a father, you will not perhaps think this letter impertinent; but if you are a single man, you will not know the meaning of it, and probably throw it into the fire. Whatever you determine of it, you may assure yourself that it comes from one who is 'Your most humble servant, and well-wisher, 'PHILOGAMUS.'

0.

Saturday, October 4, 1712.
Durum: sed levius fit patientiâ
Quicquid corrigere est nefas.

Hor. Od. xxiv. Lib. 1. 19.

works of this nature. Among these, I do not know any one who has succeeded better than a very ingenious gentleman, to whom I am obliged for the following piece, and who was the author of the vision in the 460th paper.

'There is another accidental advantage in marriage, which has likewise fallen to my share; I mean the having a multitude of children. These I cannot but regard as very great blessings. When I see my little troop before me, I rejoice in the additions which I have made to my species, to my country, and to my religion, in having produced such a number of reasonable creatures, citizens, and Christians. I am pleased to see myself thus No. 501.] perpetuated; and as there is no production comparable to that of a human creature, I am more proud of having been the occasion of ten such glorious productions, than if I had built a hundred pyramids at my own expense, or 'Tis hard: but when we needs must bear, published as many volumes of the finest wit Enduring patience makes the burden light.-Creech. and learning. In what a beautiful light has As some of the finest compositions among the holy scripture represented Abdon, one of the ancients are in allegory, I have endeathe judges of Israel, who had forty sous and voured, in several of my papers, to revive that thirty grandsons, that rode on threescore and way of writing, and hope I have not been altoten ass-colts, according to the magnificence of gether unsuccessful in it; for I find there is the eastern countries! How must the heart of always a great demand for those particular the old man rejoice, when he saw such a beau- papers, and cannot but observe that several tiful procession of his own descendants, such authors have endeavoured of late to excel in a numerous cavalcade of his own raising! For my own part, I can sit in my own parlour with great content when I take a review of half a dozen of my little boys mounting upon hobby horses, and of as many little girls tutoring their babies, each of them endeavouring to excel the rest, and to do something that may How are we tortured with the absence of gain my favour and approbation. I cannot what we covet to possess, when it appears to question but he who has blessed me with so be lost to us! What excursions does the soul many children, will assist my endeavours in make in imagination after it! and how does it providing for them. There is one thing I am turn into itself again, more foolishly fond and able to give each of them, which is a virtuous dejected at the disappointment! our grief, ineducation. I think it is Sir Francis Bacon's stead of having recourse to reason, which observation, that in a numerous family of chil- might restrain it, searches to find a further dren, the eldest is often spoiled by the pros-nourishment. It calls upon memory to relate pect of an estate, and the youngest by being the several passages and circumstances of satthe darling of the parents; but that some one isfaction which we formerly enjoyed; the or other in the middle, who has not perhaps pleasures we purchased by those riches that been regarded, has made his way in the world, are taken from us; or the power and splenand over-topped the rest. It is my business dour of our departed honours; or the voice, to implant in every one of my children the the words, the looks, the temper, and affecsame seeds of industry, and the same honest tions of our friends that are deceased. principles. By this means I think I have a needs must happen from hence that the pasfair chance, that one or other of them may sion should often swell to such a size as to grow considerable in some way or other of life, burst the heart which contains it, if time did not whether it be in the army, or in the fleet, in make these circumstances less strong and trade or any of the three learned professions; lively, so that reason should become a more for you must know, sir, that, from long expe- equal match for the passion, or if another de. rience and observation, I am persuaded of sire which becomes more present did not overwhat seems a paradox to most of those with power them with a livelier representation. whom I converse, namely, that a man who has These are thoughts which I had when I fell many children, and gives them a good educa- into a kind of vision upon this subject, and tion, is more likely to raise a family, than he may therefore stand for a proper introduction who has but one, notwithstanding he leaves to a relation of it.

It

I found myself upon a naked shore, with ed the Grotto of Grief. It was a wide, holcompany whose afflicted countenances witness- low, and melancholy cave, sunk deep in a ed their conditions. Before us flowed a water, dale, and watered by rivulets that had a codeep, silent, and called the River of Tears, lour between red and black. These crept slow which, issuing from two fountains on an upper and half congealed amongst its windings, and ground, encompassed an island that lay before mixed their heavy murmurs with the echo of us. The boat which plied in 'it was old and groans that rolled through all the passages. In shattered, having been sometimes overset by the most retired parts of it sat the doleful bethe impatience and haste of single passengers ing herself; the path to her was strewed with to arrive at the other side. This immediately goads, stings, and thorns; and her throne on was brought to us by Misfortune who steers it, which she sat was broken into a rock, with and we were all preparing to take our places, ragged pieces pointing upwards for her to lean when there appeared a woman of a mild and upon. A heavy mist hung above her; her composed behaviour, who began to deter us head oppressed with it reclined upon her arm. from it, by representing the dangers which Thus did she reign over her disconsolate subwould attend our voyage. Hereupon some who jects, full of herself to stupidity, in eternal knew her for Patience, and some of those too pensiveness, and the profoundest silence. On who until then cried the loudest, were per- one side of her stood Dejection, just dropping suaded by her, and returned back. The rest into a swoon, and Paleness wasting to a skeleof us went in, and she (whose good-nature ton; on the other side were Care inwardly would not suffer her to forsake persons in trou- tormented with imaginations, and Anguish ble) desired leave to accompany us, that she might at least administer some small comfort or advice while we sailed. We were no sooner embarked but the boat was pushed off the sheet was spread; and being filled with sighs, which are the winds of that country, we made a passage to the further bank, through several difficulties of which the most of us seemed utterly regardless.

suffering outward troubles to suck the blood from her heart in the shape of vultures. The whole vault had a genuine dismalness in it, which a few scattered lamps, whose blueish flames arose and sunk in their urns, discovered to our eyes with increase. Some of us fell down, overcome and spent with what they suffered in the way, and were given over to those tormentors that stood on either hand of When we landed, we perceived the island to the presence; others galled and mortified with be strangely overcast with fogs, which no bright-pain, recovered the entrance, where Patiness could pierce, so that a kind of gloomy ence, whom we had left behind, was still horror sat always brooding over it. This had waiting to receive us. something in it very shocking to easy tempers, insomuch that some others, whom Patience had by this time gained over, left us here, and privily conveyed themselves round the verge of the island to find a ford by which she told them they might escape.

With her (whose company was now become more grateful to us by the want we had found of her) we winded round the grotto, and ascended at the back of it, out of the mournful dale in whose bottom it lay. On this eminence we halted, by her advice, to pant for For my part, I still went along with those breath; and lifting our eyes, which until then who were for piercing into the centre of the were fixed downwards, felt a sullen sort of place; and joining ourselves to others whom satisfaction, in observing, through the shades, we found upon the same journey, we marched what numbers had entered the island. This solemnly as at a funeral, through bordering satisfaction, which appears to have ill-nature hedges of rosemary, and through a grove of in it, was excusable, because it happened at a yew-trees, which love to overshadow tombs and time when we were too much taken up with flourish in the church-yards. Here we heard our own concern, to have respect to that of on every side the wailings and complaints of others; and therefore we did not consider several of the inhabitants, who had cast them-them as suffering, but ourselves as not sufferselves disconsolately at the feet of trees; and ing in the most forlorn estate. It had also the as we chanced to approach any of these, we ground work of humanity and compassion in might perceive them wringing their hands, it, though the mind was then too dark and beating their breasts, tearing their hair, or, too deeply engaged to perceive it: but as we after some other manner, visibly agitated with proceeded onward, it began to discover itself, vexation. Our sorrows were heightened by the and, from observing that others were unhapinfluence of what we heard and saw, and one py, we came to question one another, when it of our number was wrought up to such a pitch was that we met, and what were the sad ocof wildness, as to talk of hanging himself casions that brought us together. Then we upon a bough which shot temptingly across the heard our stories, and compared them, we path we travelled in; but he was restrained mutually gave and received pity, and so by from it by the kind endeavours of our above- degrees became tolerable company. mentioned companion.

A considerable part of the troublesome road We had now gotten into the most dusky si- was thus deceived; at length the openings lent part of the island, and by the redoubled among the trees grew larger, the air seemed sounds of sighs, which made a doleful whist-thinner, it lay with less oppression upon us, ling in the branches, the thickness of air, and we could now and then discern tracks in which occasioned faintish respiration, and the it of a lighter gayness, like the breakings of violent throbbings of heart which more and day, short in duration, much enlivening, more affected us, we found that we approach- and called in that country gleams of amuse

ment. Within a short while these gleams be- that can arrive at man." It is said this sengan to appear more frequent, and then brighter tence was received with an universal applause. and of a longer continuance: the sighs that There cannot be a greater argument of the hitherto filled the air with so much doleful general good understanding of a people, ness, altered to the sound of common breezes, than a sudden consent to give their approbaand in general the horrors of the island were tion of a sentiment which has no emotion in it. abated. If it were spoken with ever so great skill in the When we had arrived at last at the ford by actor, the manner of uttering that sentence which we were to pass out, we met with could have nothing in it which could strike any those fashionable mourners who had been fer- but people of the greatest humanity, nay peoried over along with us, and who, being un-ple elegant and skilful in observations upon it. willing to go as far as we, had coasted by the It is possible he might have laid his hand on shore to find the place, were they waited our his breast, and, with a winning insinuation in coming; that by showing themselves to the his countenance, expressed to his neighbour world only at the time when we did; they that he was a man who made his case his own; might seem also to have been among the trou- yet I will engage a player in Covent-garden bles of the grotto. Here the waters that rolled might hit such an attitude a thousand times on the other side so deep and silent were before he would have been regarded. I have much dried up, and it was an easier matter heard that a minister of state in the reign of for us to wade over. queen Elizabeth had all manner of books and The river being crossed, we were received ballads brought to him, of what kind soever, upon the further bank by our friends and ac- and took great notice how much they took quaintance, whom Comfort had brought out with the people; upon which he would, and to congratulate our appearance in the world certainly might, very well judge of their preagain. Some of these blamed us for staying sent dispositions, and the most proper way of so long away from them, others advised us applying them according to his own purposes. against all temptations of going back again; What passes on the stage, and the reception it every one was cautious not to renew our trou- meets with from the audience, is a very useful ble, by asking any particulars of the journey: instruction of this kind. According to what and all concluded that, in a case of so much you may observe on our stage, you see them melancholy and affliction, we could not have often moved so directly against all common made choice of a fitter companion than Pa-sense and humanity, that you would be apt tience. Here Patience, appearing serene at to pronounce us a nation of savages. It canher praises, delivered us over to Comfort. not be called a mistake of what is pleasant, Comfort smiled at his receiving the charge: but the very contrary to it is what most assurimmediately the sky purpled on that side to which he turned, and double day at once broke in upon me.

No. 502 Monday, October 6, 1712.

Melius, pejus, prosit, obsit nil vident nisi quod lubent.
Ter. Heaut. Act iv. Sc. 1.

Better or worse, profitable or disadvantageous, they

see nothing but what they list.

edly takes with them. The other night, an old woman carried off with a pain in her side, with all the distortions and anguish of countenance which is natural to one in that condition, was laughed and clapped off the stage. Terence's comedy, which I am speaking off, is indeed written as if he hoped to please none but such as had as good a taste as himself. I could not but reflect upon the natural made by the servant to his master. When description of the innocent young woman

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I came to the house,' said he, an old woman WHEN men read, they taste the matter with opened the door, and I followed her in, bewhich they are entertained, according as their cause I could, by entering upon them unaown respective studies and inclinations have wares, better observe what was your misprepared them, and make their reflections tress's ordinary manner of spending her time, accordingly. Some, perusing Roman writers, the only way of judging any one's inclinawould find in them, whatever the subject of tions and genius. I found her at her needle the discourses were, parts which implied the in a sort of second mourning, which she wore grandeur of that people in their warfare, or for an aunt she had lately lost. She had their politics. As for my part, who am a nothing on but what showed she dressed onmere Spectator, I drew this morning conclu-ly for herself. Her hair hung negligently sions of their eminence in what I think great, about her shoulders. She had none of the to wit, in having worthy sentiments, from the arts with which others use to set themselves reading a comedy of Terence. The play was off, but had that negligence of person which the Self-Tormentor. It is from the beginning is remarkable in those who are careful of to the end a perfect picture of human life, but their minds. Then she had a maid who was I did not observe in the whole one passage that at work near her that was a slattern, because could raise a laugh. How well-disposed must her mistress was careless; which I take to be that people be, who could be entertained with another argument of your security in her; satisfaction by so sober and polite mirth! In for the go-betweens of women of intrigue the first scene of the comedy, when one of the] old men accuses the other of impertinence for interposing in his affairs, he answers, I am a man, and cannot help feeling any sorrow

* Homo sum, et nihil humanum è me alienum pato.
I am a man, and all calamities,
That touch humanity, come home to me-Colman.

are rewarded too well to be dirty. When jest is only in the very point that heads are you were named, and I told you desired to broken. I am confident, were there a scene see her she threw down her work for joy, written, wherein Pinkethman should break covered her face, and decently hid her tears. This leg by wrestling with Bullock, and Dicky He must be a very good actor, and draw at- come in to set it, without one word said but tention rather from his own character than what should be according to the exact rules of the words of the author, that could gain it surgery, in making this extension, and binding among us for this speech, though so full of up his leg, the whole house should be in a nature and good sense. roar of applause at the dissembled anguish of The intolerable folly and confidence of play-the patient, the help given by him who threw ers putting in words of their own, does in a him down, and the handy address and arch great measure feed the absurd taste of the au- looks of the surgeon. To enumerate the endience. But however that is, it is ordmary for trance of ghosts, the embattling of armies, the a cluster of coxcombs to take up the house to noise of heroes in love, with a thousand other themselves, and equally insult both the actors enormities, would be to transgress the bounds and the company. These savages, who want of this paper, for which reason it is possible all manner of regard and deference to the they may have hereafter distinct discourses; rest of mankind, come only to show them-not forgetting any of the audience who shall selves to us, without any other purpose than set up for actors, and interrupt the play on the to let us know they despise us. stage; and players who shall prefer the apThe gross of an audience is composed of plause of fools to that of the reasonable part Τ. two sorts of people, those who know no plea-of the company. sure but of the body, and those who improve or command corporeal pleasures, by the addition of fine sentiments of the mind. At pre- N. B. There are in the play of the Selfsent, the intelligent part of the company are Tormentor of Terence, which is allowed a wholly subdued by the insurrections of those most excellent comedy, several incidents which who know no satisfactions but what they have would draw tears from any man of sense, and in common with all other animals. not one which would move his laughter.-Spect.

Postcript to the Spectator, No. 502.

This is the reason that when a scene tending in folio. No. 521.

to procreation is acted, you see the whole This speculation, No. 502, is controverted in pit in such a chuckle, and old lechers, with the Guard, No. 59, by a writer under the ficmouths open, stare at those loose gesticulations titious name of John Lizard; perhaps Doctor on the stage with shameful earnestness; when Edw. Young.

the justest pictures of human life in its calm

dignity, and the properest sentiments for the

Deleo omnes dehinc ex animo mulieres.

Ter. Eun. Act ii. Sc. 3.

conduct of it, pass by like mere narration, as No. 503.] Tuesday, October 7, 1712.
conducing only to somewhat much better which
is to come after. I have seen the whole house
at some times in so proper a disposition, that
indeed I bave trembled for the boxes, and
feared the entertainment would end in a repre-mory of womankind.
sentation of the rape of the Sabines.

From henceforward I blot out of my thoughts all me

'MR. SPECTATOR,

I would not be understood in this talk to argue that nothing is tolerable on the stage 'You have often mentioned with great vebut what has an immediate tendency to the hemence and indignation the misbehaviour of promotion of virtue. On the contrary, I can people at church; but I am at present to talk allow, provided there is nothing against the to you on that subject, and complain to you interests of virtue, and is not offensive to good of one, whom at the same time I know not manners, that things of an indifferent nature what to accuse of, except it be looking too well may be represented. For this reason I have there, and diverting the eyes of the congre no exception to the well-drawn rusticities in gation to that one object. However, I have the Country Wake: and there is something this to say, that she might have staid at her so miraculously pleasant in Dogget's acting own parish, and not come to perplex those who the awkward triumph and comic sorrow of are otherwise intent upon their duty. Hob in different circumstances, that I shall not Last Sunday was seven-night I went into be able to stay away whenever it is acted. a church not far from London-bridge; but All that vexes me is, that the gallantry of I wish I had been contented to go to my own taking the cudgels for Gloucestershire, with parish, I am sure it had been better for me: the pride of heart in tucking himself up, and I say I went to church thither, and got into a taking aim at his adversary, as well as the pew very near the pulpit. I had hardly been other's protestation in the humanity of low accommodated with a seat, before there entered romance, that he could not promise the 'squire into the aisle a young lady in the very bloom to break Hob's head, but he would, if he could, of youth and beauty, and dressed in the most do it in love; then flourish and begin: I say elegant manner imaginable. Her form was what vexes me is, that such excellent touches such that it engaged the eyes of the whole as these, as well as the 'squires being out of congregation in an instant, and mine among all patience at Hob's success, and venturing the rest. Though we were all thus fixed upon himself into the crowd, are circumstances her, she was not in the least out of countehardly taken notice of, and the height of the nance, or under the least disorder, though un

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