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• Sure it will do, sir ? ” enquired effects of the CyanochaitanthropoTitmouse, anxiously.
poion. Within half an hour's time he 6 Is my hair dark enough to your might have been seen driving a hard taste, sir?” said the gentleman, with a bargain with a pawnbroker for a mascalm and bland manner-" because I sive-looking eyeglass, which, as it hung owe it entirely to this invaluable suspended in the window, he had for specific."
months cast a longing eye upon; and “ Do you indeed, sir ?” enquired he eventually purchased it (his eyeTitmouse : adding, with a sigh, 6 but, sight, I need hardly say, was perfect) between ourselves, look at mine !' for only fifteen shillings. After taking and, lifting off his hat for a moment, a hearty dinner in a little dusky eatinghe exhibited a great crop of busby, house in Rupert Street, frequented by
fashionable-looking foreigners, with " Whew! rather ugly that, sir!”. splendid heads of curling hair and exclaimed the gentleman, looking very mustachios, he hastened home. Forserious—" What a curse it is to be tunately, he was undisturbed that evenborn with such hair, isn't it?"
ing. Having lit his candle, and locked “ I should think so, sir," answered his door, with tremulous fingers he Titmouse, mournfully ; “ and do you opened the papers enveloping the litreally say, sir, that this what's-its-name tle phial; and glancing over their turned yours of that beautiful black ?" contents, got so inflamed with the
“ Think ? 'Pon my honour, sir,— numberless instances of its efficacy, certain ; no mistake, I assure you! I detailed in brief but glowing terms was fretting myself into my grave the “ Duke of ****** -the Coun. about the colour of my hair! Why, tess of
-the Earl of, &c. &c. sir, there was a nobleman in here (I &c. &c.—the lovely Miss
the don't like to mention names) the other celebrated Sir Little Bull's-eye, (who day, with a head that seemed as if it so gratified that he allowed had been dipped into water, and then his name to be used)—all of whom, powdered with brick dust; but-I from having hair of the reddest assure you, the Cyanochaitanthropo, possible description, were now pospoion was too much for it-it turned sessed of ebon-hued locks”—that the black in a very short time. You should cork was soon extracted from the bothave seen his lordship's ecstasy-[the tle. Having turned up his coat.cuffs, speaker saw that Titmouse would he commenced the application of the swallow any thing ; so he went on Cyanochaitanthropopoion, rubbing it with a confident air]-and in a month's into his hair, eyebrows, and whistime he had married a beautiful wo- kers, with all the energy he was caman, whom he had loved from a child, pable of, for upwards of half-an-hour. but who never would marry a man Then he read over every syllable on with such a head of hair."
the papers in which the phial had “ How long does it take to do all been wrapped; and about eleven this, sir?" interrupted Titmouse, eager- o'clock, having given sundry curily, with a beating heart.
ous glances at the glass, got into bed, “ Sometimes two-sometimes three full of exciting hopes and delightdays. In four days' time, I'll answer ful anxieties concerning the success for it, your most intimate friend would of the great experiment he was trying. not know you. My wife did not know He could not sleep for several hours. me for a long while, and wouldn't let He dreamed a rapturous dream--that me salute her--ha, ha!" Here an- he bowed to a gentleman with coalother customer entered; and Titmouse, black hair, whom he fancied he had laying down the five-pound note he seen before--and suddenly discovered had squeezed out of Tag-rag, put the that he was only looking at himself in wonder-working phial into his pocket, a glass ! !-- This woke him. Up he and on receiving his change, departed, jumped, and in a trice was standing bursting with eagerness to try the before his little glass. Good God!
hair black.” Whenever a barber or perfumer determines on trying to puff off some villanous imposition of this sort, strange to say, he goes to some starving scholar, and gives him half-a-crown to coin a word like the above, that shall be equally unintelligi. ble and unpronounceable, and therefore attractive and popular.
NO. CCXCI. VOL. XLVII,
he almost dropped down dead! his hair -of course it was POISON. In a was perfectly green_there could be sudden fright she dropped the kettle, no mistake about it. He stood staring plucked the clothes off the trembling in the glass in speechless horror, his Titmouse, and cried out—" Oh, Mr eyes and mouth distended to their ut- Titmouse! Mr Titmouse! what have most, for several minutes. Then he you been threw himself on the bed, and felt " Well, ma'am, what the devil do fainting. Up he presently jumped you mean? How dare you"--comagain-rubbed his hair desperately menced Titmouse, suddenly sitting up, and wildly about again looked into and looking furiously at Mrs Squallop. the glass—there it was, rougher than A pretty figure he was. He bad all before ; but eyebrows, whiskers, and his day-clothes on; a white cotton head-all were, if any thing, of a more nightcap was drawn down to his very vivid and brilliant green. Despair eyes, like a man going to be hanged; came over him. What had all his his face was very pale, and his whistroubles been to this ?- what was to kers were of a bright green colour. become of him? He got into bed again, “ Lord a-mighty !” exclaimed Mrs and burst into a perspiration. Two Squallop, faintly, the moment that this or three times he got in and out of strange apparition presented itself; bed, to look at himself again-on each and, sinking on the chair, she pointed occasion deriving only more terrible with a dismayed air to the ominousconfirmation than before of the disas- looking object standing on the win. ter that had befallen him. After dow shelf. Titmouse from that supposed lying still for some minutes, he got she had found it all out. Wellout of bed, and kneeling down, tried isn't it a shame, Mrs Squallop?" said to pray; but it was in vain-and he he, getting off the bed, and, pluckrose half choked. It was plain he must ing off his nightcap, exhibited the full have his head shaved, and wear a wig extent of his misfortune. 66 What -that was making an old man of him d’ye think of that!” he exclaimed, at once. Getting more and more dis. staring wildly at her. Mrs Squallop turbed in his mind, he dressed himself, gave a faint shriek, turned her head half determined on starting off to Bond aside, and motioned him away. Street, and breaking every pane of « I shall go mad- I shall glass in the shop window of the cruel “Oh Lord !-oh Lord!" groaned Mrs impostor who had sold him the liquid Squallop, evidently expecting him to that had so frightfully, disfigured him. leap upon her. Presently, however, As he stood thus irresolute, he heard she a little recovered her presence of the step of Mrs Squallop approaching mind; and Titmouse, stuttering with his door, and recollected that he had fury, explained to her what had taken ordered her to bring up his tea-kettle place. As he went on, Mrs Squallop about that time. Having no time to became less and less able to control take his clothes off, he thought the herself, and at length burst into a fit best thing he could do would be to pop of convulsive laughter, and sat holding into bed again, draw hiş nightcap her hands to her fat shaking sides, as down to his ears and eyebrows, pre- if she would have tumbled off her tend to be asleep, and, turning his back chair. Titmouse was almost on the towards the door, have a chance of point of striking her! At length, escaping the observation of his land- however, the fit went off ; and, wiping lady. No sooner thought of than her eyes, she expressed the greatest done. Into bed he jumped, and drew commiseration for him, and proposed the clothes over him-not aware, how- to go down and fetch up some soft ever, that in his hurry he had left his soap and flannel, and try what “a legs, with boots and trousers on, ex- good hearty wash would do.” Scarce posed to view-an unusual spectacle sooner said than done—but, alas, in to his landlady, who had, in fact, vain! Scrub, scrub-lather, lather, scarcely ever known him in bed at so did they both ; but, the instant the late an hour before. He lay as still soap-suds were washed off, there was
Mrs Squallop, after the head as green as ever! glancing at his legs, happening to di- • What am I to do, Mrs Squallop?" rect her eyes towards the window, groaned Titmouse, having taken adbeheld a small phial, only half of other look at himself in the glass. whose dark contents were remaining “ Why-really I'd be off to a police.
office, and have 'em all taken up, if she was indebted for those unrivalled as how I was you.”
raven ringlets, wbich attracted the “No-See if I don't take that eyes of envying and admiring crowds,” bottle, and make the fellow that sold and so forth. A little farther on :it me swallow what's left--and I'll “ This exquisite effect is not in all smash in his shop front besides." cases produced instantaneously; much
" Oh you won't-you musn't-not will of course depend (as the celebrated on no account! Stop at home a bit, M. Dupuytren, of the Hotel Dieu, and be quiet, it may go off with all at Paris, informed the inventor) this washing, in the course of the day. on the physical idiosyncracy of the Soft
soap is an uncommon strong party using it, with reference to the thing for getting colours out-but-a constituent particles of the colouring --- excuse me, Mr Titmouse-why matter, constituting the fluid in the
satisfied with the hair God capillary vessels. you
Often a single apAlmighty bad given you? D'ye think plication suffices to change the most He didn't know a deal better than you hopeless-looking head of red hair to as What was best for you? I'm blest if I deep a black; but, not unfrequently, don't think this is a judgment on you." the hair passes through intermediate
" What's the use of your standing shades and tints—all, however, ultipreaching to me in this way, Mrs mately settling into a deep and permaSquallop? Ain't I half mad without nent black." it Judgment or no judgment- This passage not a little revived the Where's tħe harm of my wanting black drooping spirits of Titmouse. Acci.. hair any more than black trousers ? dentally, however, an asterisk at the That ain't your own hair, Mrs Squal. last word in the above sentence, direct.
as grey as a badger under. ed his eye to a note at the bottom of neath — I've often remarked
it." the page, printed in such minute type " I'll tell you what, Mr Himper- as baffled any but the strongest sight ance!"furiously exclaimed Mrs Squal- and most determined eye to read, and lop, "you're a liar! And you deserve which said note was the following :what you've got! It is a judgment, “ Though cases do, undoubtedly, and I hope it will stick by you-só occasionally occur, in which the natake that for your sauce, you vulgar tive inherent indestructible qualities follow! Get rid of your green hair if of the hair defy all attempts at change you can! It's only carrot tops, instead or even modification, and resist even of carrot roots-and some likes one, this potent remedy: of which, howsome the other-ha! ha! ha!”
ever, in all his experience" (the spe. "I'll tell you what, Mrs Squ"
cific had been invented for about six he commenced, but she had gone, months) “ the inventor has known having slammed to the door behind her but very few instances.” But to this with all her force; and Titmouse was exceedingly select class of unfortuleft alone in a half frantic state, in nate incurables, poor Titmouse enterwhich he continued for nearly two
tained a dismal suspicion that he behours
. Once again he read over the longed. atrocious puffs which had overnight • Look, sir! Look! Only look inflated him to such a degree, and he here what your stuff has done to now saw that they were all lies. This my hair!" said Titmouse, on pre
senting himself soon after to the " This divine fluid (as it was en
gentleman who had sold him the inthusiastically styled to the inventor, by fernal liquid ; and, taking off his hat, the lovely Duchess of Doodle) pos exposed his green hair. "The gentlesesses the inestimable and astonishing man, however, did not appear at all quality of changing hair, of whatever surprised, or discomposed. colour, to a dazzling jet black ; at the “ Ah-yes ! I see-I see. You're same time imparting to it a rich glossy in the intermediate stage. It differs appearance, whicho wonderfully contributes to the imposing tout ensemble
in different people.".
“ Differs, sir! I'm going mad!
I look like a green monkey." well known ornament of the circle of " In me, the colour was a strong
and lovely Mrs yellow. But have you read the dethat to this surprising fluid it was that per ?”
owned to the proprietor scriptions that are given in the wrap
is a sample of them :
fashion, the young Fitzfrippery,
- Go home, my
" I should think so! Much good with a start of terror, it not occurring they do me! Sir, you're a humbng! to him that the intolerable green had
an impostor! I'm a sight to be scen preceded and caused, not followed, the for the rest of my life! Look at me, use of the soft soap. sir! Eyebrows, whiskers, and all." dear sir! God bless you—go home, as
• Rather a singular appearance, you value your hair ; take this small just at present, I must own,” said the bottle of Damascus cream, and rubit gentleman, his face turning suddenly in before it's too late ; and then use red all over, with the violent effort he the remainder of the"was making to prevent an explosion 6. Then you don't think it's too late?" of laughter. He soon, however, re- enquired Titmouse, faintly; and bav. covered himself, and added coolly, “if ing been assured to the contraryyou'll only persevere.”
having asked the price of the Damas. “ Persevere!” interrupted Titmouse, cus cream, which was only three-andviolently, clapping bis bat on his head, sixpence, (stamp included)- he paid “ I'll teach you to persevere in taking it with a rueful air, and took his dein the public. I'll have a warrant out parture. He sneaked along the streets, against you."
with the air of a pickpocket fearful « Oh, my dear sir, I'm accustomed that every one he met was an officer to all this !"
who had his eye on him. He was not, “ The-devil-you-are!" gasped in fact, very far off the mark; for Titmouse, quite aghast.
many a person smiled, and stared, and “ Oh, often-often, while the liquid turned round to look at him as he is performing the first stage of the went along. change ; but, in a day or two after- [I wonder, now, what effect the wards, the parties generally come back perusal of these pages must have upen smiling into my shop with heads as The reader, gentle or simple, young or black as crows.
old, male or female, who has shared 6 No! But really-do they, sir ?" the folly of Titmouse in the particular interrupted Titmouse, drawing a long now under consideration? They can. breath.
not help laughing at the trouble of “ Hundreds, I may say thousands, Titmouse ; but it is accompanied by my dear sir! And one lady gave me a blush at the absurd weakness of a picture of herself, in her black hair, which themselves have been guilty. to make up for her abuse of me when Depend upon it, my gentleman, that it was in a puce colour."
every man or woman of sense who “ But do you recollect any one's sees you, and suspects or knows what hair turning green, and then getting you have been about, can scarce help black?" enquired Titmouse, with bursting out a-laughing at you, and trembling anxiety.
writes you down ever after-Ass. But “ Recollect any? Fifty, at least. if they do this on seeing him who For instance, there was Lord Albert has so weakly attempted to disguise Addlehead-but why should I name red-coloured hair, what sorrow, minnames ? I know hundreds ! But gled with contempt, must they feel every thing is honour and confiden- when they see a' man, or woman, tial here!
ashamed of-GREY HAIRS-a “ And did Lord What's-his-name's of rejoicing to them that have done hair go green, and then black; and well,” a mark of one to whom God has was it at first as light as mine?” given long life, as the means of gather
“ His hair was redder, and in con. ing experience and wisdom--and dis. sequence it became greener, and now honouring those grey hairs by the desis blacker than ever yours will be.” perate folly of Tittlebat Titmouse ?]
“ Well, if I and my landlady have Titmouse slunk up stairs to his room, this morning used an ounce, we've in a sad state of depression, and spent used a quarter of a pound of soft soap the next hour in rubbing into his hair in”.
He rubbed till “ Soft soap!_soft soap! That ex- he could hardly hold his arms up any plains all," (he forgot how well it had longer from sheer fatigue. . Having been already explained by him.) “ By risen, at length, to mark, from the Heavens, sir !--soft soap! You may glass, the progress he had made, he have ruined your hair for ever!” Tit- found that the only result of his permouse opened his eyes and mouth severing exertions had been to give 4
the Damascus cream.
greasy shining appearance to the hair, him. Gammon diverted the thoughts that remained as green as ever. With of his suffering client, by taking from a half-uttered groan he sunk down his pocket some very imposing packupon a chair, and fell into a sort of ages of paper, tied round with red abstraction, which was interrupted by tape. From time to time, however, a sharp knock at bis door. Titmouse he almost split his nose with efforts to started up, trembled, and stood for a restrain his laughter, on catching a moment or two irresolute, glancing fresh glimpse of poor Titmouse's em.
fearfully at the glass; and then, open- erald hair. Gammon was a man of ting the door, let in Mr Gammon, who business, however; and in the midst
started back a pace or two, as if he of all this distracting excitement, conhad been shot, on catching sight of trived to get Titmouse's signature to the strange figure of Titmouse. It sundry papers of no little consequence; was useless for Gammon to try to amongst others, first, to a bond concheck his laughter; so, leaning against ditioned for the payment of L.500; the door-post, he yielded to the impulse, secondly, another for L.10,000 ; and, and laughed without intermission for lastly, an agreement (of which he gave at least two minutes. Titmouse felt Titmouse an alleged copy) by which desperately angry, but feared to show Titmouse, in consideration of Messrs it ; and the timid, rueful, lackadaisi« Quirk, Gammon, and Snap using cal air with which he regarded the their best exertions to put him in the dreaded Mr Gammon, only prolonged possession of the estate, &c. &c., and aggravated the agonies of that bound himself to conform to their gentleman. When at length he had wishes in every thing, on pain of their a little recovered himself, holding his instantly throwing up the whole afleft hand to his side, with an exhausted fair, looking out for another heir-atair, he entered the little apartment, law (!) and issuing execution forthand asked Titmouse what in the name with against Titmouse for all exof heaven he had been doing to him. penses incurred under his retainer. self. “ Without this” (in the absurd I said that Gammon gave his confiding slang of the lawyers) that he knew all client an alleged copy of this agreethe while quite well what Titmouse ment ;-it was not a real copy, for had been about ; but he wanted the certain stipulations appeared in each enjoyment of hearing Titmouse's own that were not intended to appear in account of the matter. Titmouse, not the other, for reasons which were perdaring to hesitate, complied_Gam- fectly satisfactory to Messrs Quirk, mon listening in an agony of suppress- Gammon, and Snap. When Gammon ed laughter, all the while seeming on had got to this point, he thought it the the point of bursting a bloodvessel. fitting opportunity for producing a He looked as little at Titmouse as he second five-pound note.
He did so, could, and was growing a little more and put Titmouse thereby into an sedate , when Titmouse, in a truly ecstasy which pushed
out of his head, lamentable tone, enquired, “ What's for a while, all recollection of what the good, Mr Gammon, of ten thou- had happened to his hair. He had at
a-year with such a head of hair that moment nearly eleven pounds in as this?" On hearing which Gam- bard cash! Gammon easily obtained mon jumped off his chair, started to from him an account of his little mothe window, and such an explosion of ney transactions with Huckaback-of laughter followed as threatened to which, however, all he could tell was crack the panes of glass before him. --that for ten shillings down, he had This was too much for Titmouse, given a written engagement to pay who presently cried aloud in a grie- fifty pounds on getting the estate. Of Tous manner; and Gammon, suddenly this Gammon made a careful memoCeasing his laughter, turned round and randum, explaining the atrocious vilapologized in the most earnest man- lany of Huckaback-and, in short,
after which he uttered an abunwhich “ he deplored being unable to dance of sympathy for the sufferings sharply about him, he would be robbed alleviate.” He even restrained him.
right and left; so that it was of the
umost consequence to him early to self when Titmo Use-again and again asked if he could not “ have the law”.
learn how to distinguish between false and true friends. Gammon went on to assure him that the instrument he
of the man who had so imposed on