TH HAT upon reading the deputation given to the faid Mr. John Sly, all perfons paffing by his obfervatory behaved themfelves with the fame de corum, as if your honour yourself had been prefent... That your faid officer is preparing, according to your honour's fecret in ftructions, hats for the feveral kind of heads that make figures in the realms of Great Britain, with cocks fignificant of their powers and faculties. That your faid officer has taken due notice of your inftructions and admoni-, tions concerning the internals of the head from the outward form of the fame. His hats for men of the faculties of lauk and phyfic do but just tum up; tổ give a little life to their fagacity; his military hats glare full in the face; and le has prepared a familiar eaty cock for all good companions between the above mentioned extremes. For this tend he has confulted the most learned of his acquaintance for the true forms and dimentions of the Lepidum Caput, and made a hat fit for it. Your faid officer does further repres fent, that the young divines about town are many of them got into the cock military, and defires your inftructions therein. That the town has been for feveral days very well behaved, and further your faid officer faith not. No DXXXIII. TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11. IMMO DUAS, DABO, INQUIT ILLE. UNA SI PARUM EST:` PLAUT.: T AY,” SAYS HE, “IF ONE IS TOO LITTLE, I WILL GIVE YOU TWO; AND IF TWO You have often given us very ex: cellent discourses against that unnatural cuftom of parents, in forcing their children to marry contrary to their inclinations. My own cafe, without farther preface, I will lay before you, ahd leave you to judge of it. My father and mother both being in declining years, would fain fee me, their eldest fon, as they call it, fettled. I am as much for that as they can be; but I muft be fettled, it feems, not according to my own, but their liking. Upon this account, I am teazed every day, because I have not yet fallen in love, in fpite of nature, with one of a neighbouring gentleman's daughters; for out of their abundant generofity, they give me the rit.'-' True, fon; but for thofe very reafons, the will be an eafy, foft, obliging, tractable creature. After all, cries an old aunt, (who belongs to the clafs of those who read plays with fpectacles on) what think you, nephew of proper Mrs. Dorothy? What do I think? why, I think, the cannot •be above fix feet two inches high.* • Well, well, you may banter as long as you pleafe, but height of ftature is commanding and majestic. Come, come,' fays a coufin of mine in the family, I will fit him; Fidelia is yet 'behind-Pretty Mifs Fiddy muft please you. Oh! your very humble fervant, dear coz, fhe is as much too young as her eldest fifter is too old. Is it to indeed,' quoth the, good Mr. Pert? You who are but barely turned of twenty-two, and Mifs Fiddy in " choice of four. Jack, begins my fa-half a year's time will be in her teens, ther, Mrs. Catharine is a fine woman. Yes, Sir, but he is rather too old.' She will make the more ⚫ difcreet manager, boy. Then my mother plays her part. Is not Mrs. Betty exceeding fair? Yes, Madam, but he is of no converfation; fhe has no fire, no agreeable vivacity; the-neither speaks nos looks with fpi. and the is capable of learning any thing. Then the will be fo obfer vant; he will cry perhaps now and then, but never be angry. Thus they will think for me in this matter. wherein I am more particularly cor. cerned than any body elfe. If I name any woman in the world, one of thefe, daughters has certainly the fame quali ties. You fee by these few hints, Mr. Spectator, what a comfortable life I lead. To be fill more open and free with you, I have been paffionately fond of a young Lady (who give me leave to call Miranda) now for these three years. I have often urged the matter home to my pa. rents with all the fubmiffion of a fon, but the impatience of a lover, Pray, Sir, think of three years; what inex. preffible fcenes of inquietude, what va riety of mifery, muit I have gone through in three long whole years? Miranda's fortune is equal to those I have mentioned; but her relations are not intimates with mine. Ah! there's the rub, Miranda's perfon, wit, and humour, are what the nicest fancy could imagine; and though we know you to be fo elegant a judge of beauty, yet there is none among all your various characters of fine women preferable to Miranda. In a word, the is never guilty of doing any thing but one amifs, (if the can be thought to do anifs by me) in being as blind to my faults, as the is to her own perfections. I am Sir, your very fumble obedient fervant, MR. SPECTATOR, DUSTERERASTUS, WHEN you spent fo much time as tuous and chaßte mind; and in order to think it as gentleman-like to challenge a woman to fight, as to talk obfeenely in her company, especially when the has not power to ftir. Pray let me tell you a ftory which you can make fit for public view. I knew a gentleman, who you did lately in cenfuring the am having a very good opinion of the genbitious young gentlemen who ride in tlemen of the army, invited ten or twelve triumph through town and country in of them to fup with him; and at the fame coach-boxes, I wished you had employ time invited two or three friends, who ed those moments in confideration of were very fevere against the manners and what paffes fometimes withinfide of morals of gentlemen of that profetlion. thole vehicles. I am fure: I fuffered fuf It happened one of them brought two ficiently by the infolence and ill-breed captains of his regiment newly come ining of fome perfons who travelled lately to the army, who at first onfer engaged with me in a ftage-coach out of Effex to the company with very lewd healths and London. I am fure, when you have fuitable difcourfe. You may easily ima heard what I have to fay, you will think gine the confufion of the entertainer, there are perfons under the character of who finding fome of his friends very gentlemen that are fit to be no where uneafy, defired to tell them the ftory of elfe but in the coach-box. Sir, I am a a great man, one Mr. Locke (whoai I young woman of a fober and religious find you frequently mention) that being education, and have preferved that chas invited to dine with the then Lords Ha Facter; but on Monday was fortnight it lifax, Anglefey, and Shaftsbury; <im was my misfortune to come to London. mediately after dinner, instead of cons I was no fooner clapt in the coach, but, verfation, the cards were called for,to my great furprise, two persons in the where the bad or good fuccefs produced habit of gentlemen attacked me with the ufual paffions of gaminge Mr. fuch indecent difcourfe as I cannot re- Locke retiring to a window, and writ peat to you, fo you may conclude not ing, my Lord Anglefey défired to know fit for me to hear. I had no relief but what he was writing Why niy the hopes of a fpeedy end of my short lords, anfwered he, I could not deep journey Sir, form to yourself what a last night for the pleafine and imperfecution this mult needs be to a virprovement I expected from the com • verfation verfation of the greateft men of the age. This fo fenfibly ftung them, that they gladly compounded to throw their cards in the fire if he would his paper, and fo a converfation enfued fit for fuch perfons. This ftory preft fo hard upon the young captains, together with the concurrence of their fuperior officers, that the young fellows left the company in confufion. Sir, I know you hate long things; but if you like it, you may contract it, or how you will; but I think it has a moral in it. publish a proclamation that no modelt perfon that has a value for her counte nance, and confequently would not be put out of it, prefume to travel after fuch a day without one of them in their pockets. I fancy a fmart Spectator upon this fubject would ferve for fuch a padlock, and that public notice may be given in your paper where they may be had with directions, price zd. and that part of the directions may be, when any perfon prefumes to be guilty of the above-mentioned crime, the party aggrieved may produce it to his face, with a requeft to read it to the company. He must be very much hardened that could But, Sir, I am told you are a famous mechanic as well as a looker-on, and therefore humbly propose you would invent fome padlock, with full power un-outface that rebuke; and his further pu der your hand and feal, for all modest wishment I leave you to prescribe. perfons, either men or women, to clap Your humble fervant, apon the mouths of all fuch impertinent impudent fellows: and I wish you would Ť I PENANCE CRUELY Am a young woman of nineteen, the only daughter of very wealthy parents; and have my whole life been uted with a tenderness which did me no great fervice in my education. I have perhaps an uncommon defire for know ledge of what is fuitable to my fex and quality, but as far as I can remember, the whole difpute about me has been, whether fuch a thing was proper for the child to do, or not? Or whether fuch or fuch a food was the more wholesome for the young lady to eat? This was ill for my shape, that for my complexion, and the other for my eyes. I am not extravagant when I tell you,. I do not know that I have trod upon the very earth ever fince I was ten years old: a coach er chair I am obliged to for all my motjons from one place to another ever fince I can remember. All who had to do to inftruct me, have ever been bring ing ftories of the notable things I have faid, and the womanly manner of my behaving myself upon fuch and fuch an occafion. This has been my state, unI came towards years of womanhood; STEPNEY. and ever fince I grew towards the age of fifteen, I have been abused after an other manner. Now, forfooth, I am fo killing, no one can fafely fpeak to me. Our houfe is frequented by mea of fenfe, and I love to ask questions when I fall into fuch conversation; but I am cut fhort with fomething or other about my bright eyes. There is, Sir, a language particular for talking to women in; and none but those of the very first good-breeding (who are very few, and who seldom come into my way) can speak to us without regard to our fex. Among the generality of thofe they call gentlemen, it is impoffible for me to speak upon any fubje&t whatsoever, without provoking fomebody to fay Oh! to be fure fine Mrs. Such-a-one must be very particularly acquainted with all that; all, the world would. 'contribute to her entertainment and er companion. Pray, Sir, be pleafed to take the part of us beauties and for tunes into your confideration, and do not let us be thus flattered out of our fenfes. I have got an huffy of a maid, who is most craftily given to this ill quality. I was at first diverted with a certain abfurdity the creature was guilty of in every thing the faid: fhe is a country girl, and in the dialect of the shire the was born in, would tell me that every body reckoned her lady had the pureft red and white in the world: then the would tell me, I was the moft like one Sifly Dobson in their town, who made the miller make away with himself, and walk afterwards in the corn-field where they used to meet, With all this, the cunning huffy can lay letters in my way, and put a billet in my glove, and then frand in it fhe knows nothing of it. I do not know, from my birth to this day, that I have been ever treated by any one as I ought; and if it were not for a few books which I delight in, I fhould be at this hour a novice to all common fenfe. Would it not be worth your while to lay down rules for behaviour in this cafe, and tell people, that we fair ones expect honest plain aufwers as well as other people? Why must I, good Sir, becaufe I have a good air, a fine complexion, and am in the bloom of my years, be misled in all my actions; and have the notions of good and ill confounded in my mind, for no other offence, but because I have the advantage of beauty and fortune? Indeed, Sir, what with the filly homage which is paid To us by the fort of people I have above poken of, and the utter negligence which others have for us, the converfation of us young women of condition is no other than what must expose us to ignorance and vanity, if not vice. All this is humbly fubmitted to your fpectatorial wisdom, by, Sir, your humble Servant, SHARLOT WEALTHY. WILL'S COFFEE-HOUSE. MR. SPECTATOR, PRAY, Sir, it will ferve to fill up a paper, if you put in this; which is only to afk, whether that copy of verfes, which is a paraphrafe of Ifaiah, in one of your fpeculations, is not written by Mr. Pope? Then you get on another Line, by putting in, with proper diftan ces, as at the end of a letter, I am, Sir, your humble servant, ABRAHAM Dapperwit. MR. DAPPER WIT, I Am glad to get another line forward, by faying that excellent piece is Mr. Pope's; and fo, with proper distances, I am, Sir, your humble servant, THE SPECTATOR. MR. SPECTATORY! Was a wealthy grocer in the city. and as fortunate as diligent; but I was a single man, and you know there are women. One in particular came to my fhop, who I wifhed might, but was afraid never would make a grocer's wife. I thought, however, to take an effectual way of courting, and fold her at leis price than I bought, that I might buy at lefs price than I fold. She, you may be fure, often came and helped me to many cuftomers at the fame rate, fancying I was obliged to her. You must needs think this was a good living trade, and my riches must be vastly improved. In fine, I was nigh being declared bankrupt, when I declared myfelf her lover, and the hertelf married. I was juft in a condition to fupport myfelf, and am now in hopes of growing rich by lofing my customers. Yours, I MR. SPECTATOR, JEREMY COMFIT. Am in the condition of the idol you was once pleafed to mention, and bar-keeper of a coffee-houfe. I believe it is needlefs to tell you the opportunities I muft give, and the importunities I fuffer. But there is one gentleman who befieges me as clofe as the French did Bouchain. His graviy makes him work cautions, and his regular_approaches denote a good engineer. You need not doubt of his oratory, as he is a lawyer; and efpecially fince he has had fo little ufe of it at Weftminster, he may fpare the more for me. What then can weak woman do? I am willing to fartender, but he would have it at difcretion, and I with difcretion. In the mean time, whilft we parley, our feveral interefts are neglected. As his fiege grows ftronger, my tea grows weaker; and while he pleads at my bar, none come to him for counsel but in forma pauperis. Dear Mr. Spectator, advite him not to infift upon hard arti cles, CUT SHORT VAIN HOPE. Y four hundred and feventy-firft ject of hope in general. I defign this paper as a fpeculation upon that vain and foolish hope, which is mifemployed on temporal objects, and produces many forrows and calamities in human life. It is a precept feveral times inculcated by Horace, that we should not entertain a hope of any thing in life, which lies at a great diftance from us. The fhortnefs and uncertainty of our time here, makes such a kind of hope unreasonable and abfurd. The grave lies unfeen between us and the object which we reach after: where one man lives to enjoy the good he has in view, ten thousand are cut off in the purfuit of it. It happens likewife unluckily, that one hope no fooner dies in us, but another rifes up in it's ftead. We are apt to fancy that we fhall be happy and fatisfied if we poffefs ourselves of fuch and fuch particular enjoyments; but either by reafon of their emptiness, or the natural inquietude of the mind, we have no fooner gained one point, but We extend our hopes to another. We till find new inviting fcenes and landskips lying behind those which at a diftance terminated our view. The natural confequences of fuch reflections are thefe, that we fhould take are not to let our hopes run out into too great a length, that we thould fufficiently weigh the objects of our hope, HOR. OD. 11. L. I. VER. J. T whether they be fuch as we may reapropofe in their fruition, and whether they are fuch as we are pretty fure of attaining, in cafe our life extend itself fo far. If we hope for things which are at too great a distance from us, it is poffible that we may be intercepted by death in our progrefs towards them. If we hope for things of which we have not thoroughly confidered the value, our disappointment will be greater than our pleafure in the fruition of them. If we hope for what we are not likely to poffefs, we act and think in vain, and make life a greater dream and fhadow than it really is. Many of the miferies and misfortunes of life proceed from our want of confideration in one or all of thefe particulars. They are the rocks on which the fanguine tribe of lovers daily split, and on which the bankrupt, the politician, the alchymift, and projector, are caft away in every age. Men of warm imaginations and towering thoughts are apt to overlook the goods of fortune which are near them, for fomething that glitters in the fight at a diftance; to neglect folid and fubftantial happinefs, for what is fhowy and fuperficial; and to contemn that good that lies within their reach, for that which they are not capable of attaining. Hope calculates it's fchemes for a long and durable life;" preffes forward to imaginary points of 6 S blifs; |
