THE MODEST COUSIN.

ADAPTED FROM SHERIDAN KNOWLES' PLAY, "THE HUNCHBACK."

Enter HELEN, R.

Hel. I'm weary wandering from room to room; A castle after all is but a house,

The dullest one when lacking company!
Were I at home I could be company
Unto myself.

I'll go to bed and sleep. No-I'll stay up
And plague my cousin into making love!
For, that he loves me, shrewdly I suspect.
How dull he is that hath not sense to see
What lies before him, and he'd like to find!
I'll change my treatment of him -cross him where
Before I used to humor him. He comes,
Poring upon a book.

Enter MODUS, L., slowly, an open book in his hand,

What's that you read?

Modus. Latin, sweet cousin.
Hel. 'Tis a naughty tongue
I fear, and teaches men to lie.
Modus. To lie!

Hel. You study it. You call your cousin sweet,
And treat her as you would a crab. As sour
'Twould seem you think her, so you covet her!
Why, how the monster stares, and looks about!
You construe Latin, and can't construe that!
Modus. I never studied women.

Hel. No; nor men.

Else would you better know their ways: nor read

In presence of a lady.

Modus. Right, you say,

[Strikes the book from his hand.

And well you served me, cousin, so to strike
The volume from my hand. I own my fault.

So please you,

-

may I pick it up again?

I'll put it in my pocket!

Hel. Pick it up.

He fears me as I were his grandmother!
What is the book?

Modus. 'Tis Ovid's Art of Love.

Hel. That Ovid was a fool!

Modus. In what?

Hel. In that:

To call that thing an art, which art is none.
Modus. And is not love an art?

Hel. Are you a fool,

As well as Ovid?

Love an art! No art

But taketh time and pains to learn. Love comes
With neither. Is't to hoard such grain as that
You went to college? Better stay at home,
And study homely English.

Modus. Nay, you know not

The argument.

Hel. I don't? I know it better

Than ever Ovid did! The face, the form,

The heart, the mind we fancy, cousin; that's
The argument! Why, cousin, you know nothing!
Suppose a lady were in love with thee,
Could'st thou, by Ovid, cousin, find it out?
Could'st find it out, wast thou in love thyself?
Could Ovid, cousin, teach thee to make love?
I could, that never read him. You begin
With melancholy; then to sadness; then
To sickness; then to dying — but not die!
She would not let thee, were she of my mind;
She'd take compassion on thee. Then for hope;
From hope to confidence; from confidence

To boldness; - then you'd speak: at first entreat;
Then urge; then flout; then argue; then enforce;
Make prisoner of her hand; besiege her waist;
Threaten her lips with storming; keep thy word
And carry her! My sampler 'gainst thy Ŏvid!
Why, cousin, are you frightened, that you stand
As you were stricken dumb? The case is clear
You are no soldier. You'll ne'er win a battle.
You care too much for blows!

Modus. You wrong me there.

At school I was the champion of my form.
And since I went to college-

Hel. That for college!
fingers.

Modus. Nay, hear me!

[Crosses R., and fillips with her

Hel. Well? What, since you went to college? You know what men are set down for who boast

""

Of their own bravery. Go on, brave cousin!
What, since you went to college? Was there not
One Quentin Halworth there? You know there was,
And that he was your master!

Modus. He my master?

Thrice was he worsted by me.

Hel. Still was he

Your master.

Modus. He allowed I had the best! Allowed it, mark me! Nor to me alone, But twenty I could name.

Hel. And mastered you

At last! Confess it cousin, 'tis the truth.
A proctor's daughter you did both affect -
Look at me and deny it! Of the twain
She more affected you.

I've caught you now.
An opportunity she gave you, sir

Deny it if you can! - but though to others,
When you discoursed of her you were a flame,
To her you were a wick that would not light,
Though held in the very fire! And so he won her
Won her, because he wooed her like a man,

For all your cuffings, cuffing you again

With most usurious interest.

Protest that you are valiant!

Modus. Cousin Helen!

Hel. Well, sir?

Now, sir,

Modus. The tale is all a forgery!

Hel. A forgery!

Modus. From first to last: ne'er spoke I

To a proctor's daughter while I was at college.

Hel. It was a scrivener's, then, or somebody's.
But what concerns it whose? Enough, you loved her,
And, shame upon you, let another take her!

Modus. Cousin, I tell you, if you'll only hear me,
I loved no woman while I was at college
Save one, and her I fancied ere I went there.

Hel. Indeed!

Comes he not on!
Well, cousin?

Now I'll retreat, if he's advancing.

Oh, what a stock's the man!

Modus. Well? What more would'st have me say? I think I've said enough.

Hel. And so think I.

I did but jest with you. You are not angry?

Shake hands! Why, cousin, do you squeeze me so?
Modus. [Letting her go.] I swear I squeezed you not!
Hel. You did not?

Modus. No,

I'll die if I did!

Hel. Why, then you did not, cousin:

So let's shake hands again

Oh, go, and now

[He takes her hand as before.]

Read Ovid! Cousin, will you tell me one thing:
Wore lovers ruffs in Master Ovid's time?

Behoved him teach them, then, to put them on:
And that you have to learn. Hold up your head!
Why, cousin, how you blush. Plague on the ruff!
I cannot give't a set. You're blushing still!
Why do you blush, dear cousin? So, 'twill beat me!
I'll give it up.

Modus. Nay, prithee don't

-try on!

Hel. And if I do, I fear you'll think me bold.
Modus. For what?

Hel. To trust my face so near to thine.
Modus. I know not what you mean.

Hel. I'm glad you don't!

Cousin, I own right well behaved you are,

Most marvellously well behaved! They've bred

You well at college. With another man

My lips would be in danger? Hang the ruff!

Modus. Nay, give it up, nor plague thyself, dear cousin. Hel. Dear fool!

I swear the ruff is good for just

[Throws the ruff on the ground.

As little as its master! There! 'Tis spoiled-
You'll have to get another. Hie for it,

And wear it in the fashion of a wisp,

Ere I adjust it for thee! Farewell, cousin!
You've need to study Ovid's Art of Love.

Modus. Went she in anger! I will follow her,

No, I will not! Heigho! I love my cousin!

[Exit, R.

Oh, would that she loved me!
With backwardness in love?

Why did she taunt me
What could she mean?

Sees she I love her, and so laughs at me,

Because I lack the front to woo her? Nay,

I'll woo her, then! Her lips shall be in danger,

When next she trusts them near me! Looked she at me
To-day, as never did she look before!

A bold heart, Master Modus!

'Tis a saying,

A faint one never won fair lady yet.

I'll woo my cousin, come what will on't! Yes!

[Begins to read, pauses, and thrusts book into his bosom.] Hang Ovid's Art of Love! I'll woo my cousin!

exit, R.

[About to

Enter HELEN, L.

Hel. Why, Cousin Modus! Cousin Modus, Have you not got a tongue? Have you not eyes? very ill,

'Do you not see I'm very

And not a chair in all the corridor?

Modus. I'll find one in the study.

Hel. Hang the study!

[Going towards, L.

[Going, R.

Modus. My room's at hand. I'll fetch one thence.

Hel. Why don't you offer to support me? Well? be quick! [Modus offers his arm.] Is

Give me your arm

that the way

To help a lady when she's like to faint?

I'll drop unless you catch me! [Falls against him. ports her.] That will do;

I'm better now
Is one well

[He offers to leave her.]-don't leave me!

Because one's better? Hold my hand. Keep so.
I'll soon recover, so you move not. Loves he
Which I'll be sworn he does, he'll own it now.
Well, Cousin Modus?

Modus. Well! sweet cousin?

Hel. Well?

"You heard what Master Walter said?

Modus. I did.

Hel. And would you have me marry?

Say yes or no.

Modus. No, cousin.

[Aside.]

Can't you speak?