THE PLEASURES OF A NEWSPAPER.

MR. CONDUCTOR,

EVERY man, when he awakes in the morning, finds that the reflections suggested by the preceding day have been, if not wholly obliterated, at least suspended by sleep; that new topics of conversation are wanting, and that surprise is on tip-toe for new calls; he is unwilling to recur to the business of the preceding day, because it has been exhausted; or ashamed to recollect it, because it has disappointed him. A family thus met together, would drink the tea of Lethe, and eat the toast of taciturnity, were they not happily relieved from torpor of thought, and immobility of tongue, by the entrance of a Newspaper.

It is possible, indeed, that the weather might furnish a brief subject of debate, but the wind must blow a hurricane, and the rain descend in torrents, to be worth more than a moment's conversation. When the Newspaper appears, however, all Europe is united to refresh the languid memory, to quicken the dull thoughts, and give expedition to the communicative tongue-even the breakfast-table is indebted to the presence of this lively guest. The tea acquires a inore odoriferous flavour, the toast is handed about with a quicker velocity, and the sugar and butter, though less white and sweet than could be wished, escape without censure, in the multiplicity of reflections which the Newspaper suggests.

No publication surely was ever so fertile in sources of reflection to those who chose to think, or of conversation to those who prefer the humbler, though more noisy, business of talking. First, a long list of extensive amusements presents itself, fraught with every tempting inducement. Here it is important to observe how a play is cast, what great performers are concerned, and what farce or entertainment is to follow; if a concert, what pieces are to be performed, and by whom; if an opera, whether the divine Signora bears a part.

From amusements there is a transition to works of charity, to subscription of names and sums of money for benevolent purposes: whether the arrangement here be judicious, or whether these ought not to precede amusements, I shall not stop to inquire. Perhaps the Editor

VOL. I.

trusts to the good sense of his readers, that what he mixes heterogeneously, they will separate and arrange judiciously. Otherwise, there would be a designed confusion in the advertisement part, which would not be easily reconciled to common sense and would serve rather to perplex our reflections than to employ them to any purpose. Attentively observed, Newspapers will be found very correct pictures of the times, and very faithful records of the transfer of property, whether by sale or fraud.

I hinted, that the arrangement was apparently confused. We see books and pills, estates and lap-dogs, perfumery and charity sermons, crowded together by one of those accidents by which we may suppose chaos would be produced. Here a disconsolate widow advertises that she carries on business as usual, for the benefit of her orphan family, and there a lady of quality offers five guineas for the recovery of her lap-dog, which answers to the name of Chloe. A person wants to borrow 5,000l. on undeniable security, and a stable keeper offers to sell a horse for 100 guineas upon his bare word. Servants want places, in which " wages are no object,” and a place under government may be heard of, where wages are the only object. Humphry Jenkins lost his pocket-book in coming out of the play-house, and Sarah Howson has eloped from her husband, who will pay no debts of her contracting, "as witness his mark." In one place we have notice of a main of cocks, and just by it, the candidates for a vacant chaplainship are desired to apply. But of all persons "that on earth do dwell," the sick find the greatest relief in Newspapers. Why it is that disease should prevail in spite of the infallible medicines that are, in a manner, thrust down the throats of the sick, is astonishing. It would appear that the only disorder patients are troubled with, is an incurable obstinacy, which prevents then from taking medicines that have "cured thousands who have been dismissed from the hospitals in a most deplorable state." Do we not find that, in some cases, a single box of pills will effect a cure; and, in others, that the patient will be relieved by the smell only? Will not these medicines "keep good in all climates?" Is it not notorious that they perform their cures "without loss of time, or hindrance to business?" Why then do we hear of the sick and the

dying? Why are not our hospitals turned into almshouses for decayed physicians, and apothecaries who have no business?

Nor is the information respecting the preservation of health less important than the cure of disease. If we turn our eyes to the sales of houses and estates, we shall find that they are all situated in counties remarkable for the salubrity of the air, the fertility of the soil, and the purity of the water, charmingly sheltered, richly wooded, hill and dale, meadow and grove, where the east wind is not permitted to chill, nor the thunder to roll. These, it is true, are chiefly calculated for persons who can afford to pay rather extravagantly for the preservation of health; but this can be no object with those who know that health is the greatest of all blessings, and that in this way, it may be handed down to the latest posterity. The clergy, I must observe, are particularly interested in these advertisements. The rectories are all "situated in remarkably healthy spots," and the present "incumbent is nearly eighty years old." What greater encouragement to a man who wishes to do good, and to do it long, especially when it lies "in the vicinity of a pack of hounds"---a circumstance of which we are frequently reminded, although the connexion between the business of the pulpit, and the sports of the field, is not quite so obvious as might be expected from the eloquence of our fashionable auctioneers---a race of men to whose inventive genius we owe the conversion of horse ponds into beautiful sheets of water, ditches into canals, and gibbets into hanging woods; but the ablest men cannot do every thing. There are bounds, even in these times, to human genius.

Now, when all these subjects are introduced at the breakfast-table, what a copious source of conversation for the rest of the day, especially if any of those should create a desire to be a bidder or a purchaser! What hopes, what fears, what consultations! But this is not

necessary to the pleasure a Newspaper affords. A man may give a very able account of an estate without the least desire of purchasing it; and the whole family may dispute on the merit of an entertainment, which not one of the party means to partake of. It is possible to compassionate the distresses of an orphan family, without contributing sixpence to their relief, and even to read of the

cures performed by a "famous syrup," without desiring to taste a drop of it. Conversation and action are different things, and if a Newspaper furnishes the former, it is doing much.

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Before quitting the advertisements, it may be necessary to mention two descriptions of persons who never appear to meet, and yet who never ought to separate, namely, those who " are equally desirous to lend money,' and those who "are equally desirous to borrow it.". Why people that might be so mutually serviceable, should stand in opposite columns in a Newspaper is very extraordinary. There must be some secret in this, which we, who know not the parties, are unacquainted with. That the party wishing to borrow should conceal his name is easily accounted for. Prudential reasons require that a man's temporary embarrassment should be concealed as much as possible; but that he who "would be happy to lend," or, as it is sometimes called, “to accommodate," should court obscurity, is not so easily explained, If it be from a motive of modesty, it is highly praiseworthy, but it prevents us from handing down the names of these benevolent persons to future ages as they deserve, Posterity can only know, that all the letters of the alphabet from A B to X Y have been eminent for their benevolence in accommodating distressed persons with sums of money "lying at their bankers, from 500 to 20,000 pounds;" and thus I close my meditations on the advertisements. I might mention more indeed, but as the Poet says--

The rest appears a wilderness of strange
But gay confusion-roses for the cheeks,
And lillies for the brows of faded age:

Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald,

Heaven, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets,
Nectareous essences, Olympic dews,

Sermons and city feasts, and fav'rite airs,
Ætherial journies, submarine exploits :

And Katterfelto, with his hair on end

At his own wonders-wand'ring for his bread!

But yet all these would probably fail of their effect, were they the only contents of a Newspaper. There are thousands who are indifferent to a change of situation, who are confined to business and cannot leave it, who are gormandizing a breakfast and loathe medicine, who are blooming and want no washes, who are cheer

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ful and want no amusements, who are charitable and want no puffs or quackery to prompt their benevolence; yet, with all that, the rest of a Newspaper supplies that dear and exquisite food---NEWS. This part of a paper, though I have considered it last, is generally consulted first; and what can equal the gladsome inquisitiveness that appears in the eye, when it gently rolls over the columns of a fresh Newspaper? Such is the variety of this department, and such the attachment of every man to his favourite pursuit, that a tolerable guess may be formed of what a man is, by attending to what he first reads in a paper. The sturdy politician, indeed, is a general reader. He can find out a political allusion in every paragraph. If a lady of quality makes a false step, he can descant on the privileged orders; and, if the price of bread has risen, he can censure Parliament for the insufficiency of the corn laws, But others confine themselves to their favourite articles---the Court news delights the man of fashion, because he knows the parties---the ladies are anxious for the marriages, because they may know the parties---the young and the old are for the fashionable tattle of marriage, dances, duels, and dress, elopements, and other articles of the amusing kind; while the grave citizen casts a solemn glance at the price of stocks, wishes he had bought in, or hopes he shall soon be able to sell out; and there is a pretty numerous class to whom burglaries, murders, and picking of pockets afford a considerable gratification in the detail.

A Newspaper being thus perused, by every man according to his taste, the wheels of conversation are again set a-going, and the dullest has something to say, or some remark to make, on what he has read. If Newspapers, then, are undervalued, it is either because they are common and cheap, and we know that things that are common and cheap, are always undervalued; but this, perhaps, may not always be the case, for, in point of cheapness, the objection has been gradually removing for some time.

To appreciate their true value, therefore, we have only to suppose that they were totally to be discontinued for a month. I turn with horror from the frightful idea! I deprecate such a shock to the