that," said Mrs. Philpot, snapping her fingers; " I won take me for!"-" So ho!" thought her spouse," she's co now; I thought it was all a sham; but I'll coax her a bit with her apparent whim, and called her a good girl; but st his advances, and asked him what he took her for. "T cried Jacob, " why, for my own dear Sally to be sure, so d more fuss."" I have a great mind to run out of the ho "and never enter it any more."

This threat gave no sort of alarm to Jacob, but it somew fancy, and he indulged himself in a very hearty laugh, at the he good-humouredly told her to go to bed, and he would sently, as soon as he had looked after his horse, a his boots. This proposition was no sooner made, tha man's ears were suddenly grasped from behind, and shaken and twisted about, as though it had been t the assailant to wrench it from his shoulders. Mrs. Phi made her escape from the kitchen, leaving her spouse in the enraged Sally, who, under the influence of the teetotum firmly persuaded that she was justly inflicting wholesome di her husband, whom she had, as she conceived, caught in th ing love to the maid. Sally was active and strong, and J was, as before hinted, somewhat obese, and, withal, n "wind;" consequently it was some time ere he could diser and then he stood panting and blowing, and utterly lost in while Sally saluted him with divers appellations, which it w seemly here to set down.

When Jacob did find his tongue, however, he answered the same style; and added, that he had a great mind to lay her back." What! strike a woman! Eh-would you, y and immediately she darted forward, and, as she termed it, upon him with her nails, whereby his rubicund countenance disfigured, and his patience entirely exhausted: but Sally w and made her escape up stairs. So the landlord of the Red got rid of the two mad or drunken women, very philosophic to sit down for half an hour by himself to think over the bu he took his night-cap." He had scarcely brewed th when he was roused by a rap at the window; and in answer of "who's there?" he recognised the voice of his neigh Syms, and, of course, immediately admitted him; for G good customer, and, consequently, welcome at all hours. friend," said Syms, "I daresay you are surprised to see m time of night; but I can't get into my own house. My wi believe.' "And so is mine," quoth the landlord; "so, s and make yourself comfortable. Hang me if I think I'll g night!" "No more will I," said Syms; "I've got a job t the morning, and then I shall be ready for it." So the tw down, and had scarcely begun to enjoy themselves, when was heard at the window, and mine host recognised the v Brown, who came with the same complaint against his wife,

ly persuaded to join the party, each declaring that the women must have contrived to meet, during their absence from home, and all get fuddled together. Matters went on pleasantly enough for some time, while they continued to rail against the women; but, when that subject was exhausted, George Syms, the shoe-maker, began to talk about shoeing horses; and Peter Brown, the blacksmith, averred that he could make a pair of jockey boots with any man for fifty miles round. The host of the rampant Red Lion considered these things at first as a sort of joke, which he had no doubt, from such good customers, was exceedingly good, though he could not exactly comprehend it: but when Peter Brown answered to the name of George Syms, and George Syms responded to that of Peter Brown, he was somewhat more bewildered, and could not help thinking that his guests had drunk quite enough. He, however, satisfied himself with the reflection that that was no business of his, and that "a man must live by his trade." With the exception of these apparent occasional cross purposes, conversation went on as well as could be expected under existing circumstances, and the three unfortunate husbands sat and talked, and drank, and smoked, till tired nature cried, "hold, enough!"

In the meanwhile, Mrs. George Syms, who had been much scandalized at the appearance of Peter Brown beneath her bedroom window, whereinto he vehemently solicited admittance, altogether in the most public and unblushing manner; she, poor soul! lay, for an hour, much disturbed in her mind, and pondering on the extreme impropriety of Mr. Brown's conduct, and its probable consequences. She then began to wonder where her own goodman could be staying so late; and, after much tossing and tumbling to and fro, being withal a woman of a warm imagination, she discerned, in her mind's eye. divers scenes, which might probably be then acting, and in which George Syms appeared to be taking a part that did not at all meet her approbation. Accordingly she arose, and throwing her garments about her, with a degree of elegant negligence, for which the ladies of Stockwell have long been celebrated, she incontinently went to the house of Peter Brown, at whose bedroom window she perceived a head. With the intuitive knowledge of costume possessed by ladies in general, she instantly, through the murky night, discovered that the cap on the said head was of the female gender; and therefore boldly went up thereunto, and said, "Mrs. Brown. have you seen any thing of my husband?"—" What!" exclaimed Mrs. Brown, "haven't you seen him? Well, I'd have you see after him pretty quickly, for he was here, just where you stand now, more than two hours ago, talking all manner of nonsense to me, and calling me his dear Betsy, so that I was quite ashamed of him. But, howsomever, you needn't be uneasy about me, for you know I wouldn't do any thing improper on no account. have you seen any thing of my Peter ?"" I believe I have," replied Mrs. Syms, and immediately related the scandalous conduct of the smith beneath her window; and then the two ladies agreed to sally forth in search of their two "worthless, good-for-nothing, drunken husbands." Now it is a custom with those who get their living by carrying coal, when they are about to convey it to any considerable distance, to commence their journey at such an hour as to reach the first turnpike a little

But

after midnight, that they may be enabled to go out and return in the twenty-four hours, and thus save the expense of the they would otherwise have to pay twice. This is the secret of parently lazy fellows, whom the Bath ladies and dandies some with horror and surprise, sleeping in the day-time, in, on, or u benches, or waggons. It hath been our lot, when in the city to hear certain of these theoretical " political economists" re what harshly on this mode of taking a siesta. We should them henceforth to attend to the advice of Peter Pindar, and "Mind what they read in godly books, And not take people by their looks ;"

for they would not be pleased to be judged in that manner t and the poor fellows in question have, generally, been travellin not in a mail-coach, but walking over rough roads, and ass. weary and over-worked cavalry up and down a succession of S

In consequence of this practice, the two forsaken matrons e Moses Brown, a first cousin of Peter's, who had just dispatche goner on a commercial enterprise of the description just Moses had heard voices as he passed the Lion; and being soa curious turn, had discovered, partly by listening, and partly of certain cracks, holes, and ill-fitting joints in the shutters, w tlemen were whose good-will and pleasure it was "to vex the night" with their untimely mirth. Moses, moreover, was a me professed to be extremely sorry for the two good women wh such roaring, rattling blades for their husbands for, by this bacchanalians, having exhausted their conversational powers, menced a series of songs. So, under his guidance, the ladies tred the drunken two through the cracks, holes, and ill-f aforesaid.

Poor George Syms was, by this time regularly "done up, in his chair; but Peter Brown, the smith, was still in his glory, ing, in no small voice, a certain song, which was by no means chanted in the ear of his spouse. As for Jacob Philpot, the I sat erect in his chair, with the dogged resolution of a man wh he is at his post, and is determined to be "no starter." A ment Sally made her appearance in the room, in the same sor bille as that worn by the ladies at the window, and commenced ceremonious harangue to George Syms and Peter Brown, te that they ought be ashamed of themselves, not to have been at ago; as for this fellow," said she, giving poor Philpot a box on the ear, “I'll make him remember it, I'll warrant.” upon arose in great wrath; but ere he could ascertain precisel centre of gravity, Sally settled his position by another cuff, his eyes twinkle, and sent him reeling back into his seat. things, the ladies without began, as fox-hunters say, to "giand vociferously demanded admittance; whereupon Mrs. Phi head out from a window above, and told them that she woul and let them in in a minute, and that it was a great pity

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should ever get too much beer: and then she popped in her head, and in less than the stipulated time, ran down stairs and opened the street door; and so the wives were admitted to their delinquent husbands; but meek Moses Brown went his way, having a wife at home, and having no desire to abide the storm which he saw was coming.

Peter Brown was, as we said before, in high feather; and, therefore, when he saw Mrs. Syms, whom he (acting under the tetotum delusion) mistook for the wife of his own particular bosom, he gaily accosted her, "Ah, old girl!—is it you? What! you've come to your senses, eh? Slept it off, I suppose. Well, well; never mind! Forgive and forget, I say. I never saw you so before, I will say that for you, however. So, give us a buss, old girl! and let us go home;" and without ceremony he began to suit the action to the word, whereupon the real Mrs. Brown flew to Mrs. Sym's assistance, and, by hanging round Peter's neck, enabled her friend to escape. Mrs Syms, immediately she was released, began to shake up her drowsy George, who, immediately he opened his eyes, scarcely knowing where he was, marvelled much to find himself thus handled by, as he supposed, his neighbour's wife but with the maudlin cunning of a drunken man, he thought it was an excellent joke, and therefore threw his arms round her, and began to hug her with a wondrous and unusual degree of fondness, whereby the poor woman was much affected and called him her dear George, and said she knew it was not his fault, but " all along of that brute," pointing to Peter Brown, that he had drunk himself into such a state. "Come along, my dear," she concluded, "let us go and leave him-I don't care if I never see him any more."

The exasperation of Peter Brown, at seeing and hearing, as he imagined, his own wife act and speak in this shameful manner before his face, may be "more easily imagined than described;" but his genuine wife, who belonged, as he conceived, to the drunken man, hung so close about his neck that he found it impossible to escape. George Syms, however, was utterly unable to rise, and sat, with an idiotlike simper upon his face as if giving himself up to a pleasing delusion, while his wife was patting, and coaxing, and wheedling him in every way, to induce him to get upon his legs and try to go home. At length, as he vacantly stared about, he caught a glimpse of Mrs. Brown, whom, to save repetition, we may as well call his teetotum wife, hanging about his neighbour's neck. This sight effectually roused him. and before Mrs. Syms was aware of his intention, he started up and ran furiously at Peter Brown, who received him much in the manner that might be expected, with a salutation in" the bread-basket," which sent him reeling on the floor. As a matter of course, Mr. Syms took the pa.t of her fallen husbaud and put her mark upon Mr. Peter Brown; and as a matter of course, Mrs. Peter Brown took the part of her spouse, and commenced an attack on Mrs. Syms.

In the meanwhile Sally had not been idle. After chastening Jacob Philpot to her heart's content, she, with the assistance of Mrs. Philpot and Philip the hostler, who was much astonished to hear her "order the mistress about," conveyed him up stairs, where he was deposited, as he was, upon a spare bed, to "take his chance," as she said, " and sleep off

his drunken fit." Sally then returned to the scene of strife and "company" to go about their business, for she should not thing more to " be called for" that night. Having said this w of authority, she left the room; and though Mrs. Syms and M were greatly surprised thereat, they said nothing, inasmuch as somewhat ashamed of their own appearance, and had matters o portance than Sally's eccentricity to think of, as Mrs. Syms had ly wounded in her new shawl, which she had imprudently th her shoulders; and the left side of the lace on Mrs. Brown's ca torn away in the recent conflict. Mrs. Philpot, enacting her p teetotum Sally of the night, besought the ladies to go home, and gentlemen to sleep where they were, i. e. upon the floor, till the for Peter Brown, notwithstanding the noise he had made, was ble of standing as the quieter George Syms. So the woman dra into separate corners of the room, placed pillows under their b threw a blanket over each, and then left them to repose. The ty solate wives each forthwith departed to her own lonely pillow, le Philpot particularly puzzled at the deference with which they h her, by calling her " Madam," as if she was mistress of the hou

Leaving them all to their slumbers, we must now say a word bout the teetotum, the properties of which were to change peo racters, spinning the mind of one man or woman into the body The duration of the delusion, caused by this droll game of the o man's depended upon the length of time spent in the diversion; minutes was the specific period for causing it to last till the ne or sunset after the change had been effected. Therefore, when ing came, Mrs. Philpot and Sally, and Peter Brown and Geor all came to their senses. The two latter went quietly home, wi heads and very confused recollections of the preceding ever shortly after their departure Mrs. Philpot awoke in great astoni ⚫ finding herself in the garret; and Sally was equally surprised, alarmed, at finding herself in her mistress's room, from which s ed in quick time, leaving all things in due order.

The elderly stranger made his appearance soon after, and ap have brushed up his shabby genteel clothes, for he really look more respectable than on the preceding evening. He ordered fast, and sat down thereto very quietly, and asked for the newsp pulled out his spectacles, and began to con the politics of the at his case, no one having the least suspicion that he and his had been the cause of all the uproar at the Red Lion. In due landlord made his appearance, with sundry marks of violence jolly countenance, and, after due obeisance made to his respect ing guest, took the liberty of telling his spouse that he should in her sending Sally away, for that he had never been so mauled was born; but Mrs. Philpot told him that he ought to be asham self, and she was very glad the girl had spirit enough to protec and that she wouldn't part with her on any account. She then to what had passed in the back kitchen, taking to herself the