THE ATHEIST.

THAT there's no God, John gravely swears,
And quotes in proof his own affairs!
For how should such an Atheist thrive,
If there was any God alive?

“WESTMINSTER REVIEW," 1853.

MANY ROADS TO HEAVEN.

I THINK that friars and their hoods,
Their doctrines and their maggots,
Have lighted up too many feuds,
And far too many fagots.

I think, while bigots storm and frown,
And fight for two or seven,

That there are fifty roads to town,

And rather more to heaven.

M. PRAED.

ON VARIOUS CREEDS.

JEWS, Turks and Christians differ but in creed;
In ways of wickedness they're all agreed.

None upwards climb the road-they part, they cavil,
And all run downwards, headlong to the devil!

LORD ROSCOMMON.

ON A DULL PREACHER.

WHENE'ER your auditors to tire
By long discourse you choose,

The fret-work leaves the Gothic spire,
And settles in the pews.

JAMES SMITH. ("REJECTED ADDRESSES.")

ON MITRE COURT, FLEET STREET.

PROPER terms here are met, for, whatever our forte,
There's no way to the Mitre, except through the court.

BISHOP BLOMFIELD'S FIRST CHARGE TO HIS CLERGY

POETISED.

HUNT not, fish not, shoot not,

Dance not, fiddle not, flute not;

Be sure ye have nothing to do with the Whigs,

But stay at home and feed your pigs;

And above all I make it my special desire,

That at least once a week you dine with the Squire.

SIDNEY SMITH.

ON BISHOP TOMLINE'S TRANSLATION, OR PROFITABLE EXCHANGE OF THE SEE OF LINCOLN FOR WINCHESTER, AND HIS GREAT AVERSION TO CHANGES AMONGST HIS CLERGY.

"Nor what I do, but what I say,
My brethren, must be noted;
Be ye immovable alway,

While I move off promoted."

"Indeed, my Lord, your reading looks
Like modern variation ;"

"Tut, tut, my friend, shut up your books,
This is the true translation !"

THE BIBLE UNDER FETTERS.

WHEN I called t'other day on a noble renowned,
In his great marble hall lay the Bible well bound;
Not printed by Basket and bound up in black,
But chained to the floor, like a thief, by the back.
Unacquainted with ton, and your quality airs,
I supposed it intended for family prayers.
His piety pleased; I applauded his zeal,
Yet thought none would venture the Bible to steal;
But judge my surprise when informed of the case:
He had chained it for fear it would fly in his face.
CUMBERLAND JOURNAL, 1798.

FAITH.

WHAT legions of fables and whimsical tales,
Pass current for gospel where priestcraft prevails!
Our ancestors thus were most strangely deceived;
What stories and nonsense for faith they believed!
But we, their wise sons, who these fables reject,
Even truth, now-a-days, are too apt to suspect;
From believing too much, the right faith we let fall,
And now we believe, i'faith! nothing at all.

SATIRICAL.

CATHOLIC.

ON THE INVENTION OF GUNPOWDER.

FROM THE GERMAN EPIGRAMS.

King. FRIEND Kunz, I've heard grave people mention
Gunpowder as the devil's invention.

Kunz. Whoe'er informed you so was drunk;
'Twas first invented by a monk.

King. Well, well, no matter for the name;
A monk, or devil-'tis much the same.

AGAINST SHEEP FARMING:

A SYSTEM INTRODUCED AND CARRIED TO EXCESS BY THE MONASTIC

BODIES, 1598.

SHEEPE have eate up our meadows and our downes,
Our corne, our wood, whole villages and townes;

Yea, they have eate up many wealthy men,

Besides widowes, and orphane childeren :
Besides our statutes and our iron lawes,

Which they have swallowed down into their maws.
Till now I thought the proverbe did but jest,
Which said a blacke sheepe was a biting beast.

FOURTH BOOK OF CHRISTOLEROS, by T. B.

ON ROME.

HATE and debate Rome through the world hath spread,
Yet Roma, amor is, if backward read;

Then is it strange, Rome hate should foster? No,
For out of backward love all hate doth grow.

ON LEO X.

LEO lacked the last sacrament. Why need we tell?
He had chosen the chalice and paten to sell!

IMITATED FROM J. SANNAZARO, 1458.

ON THE SALE OF INDULGENCES.

IF Rome can pardon sins, as Romans hold,
And if those pardons can be bought and sold,—
It is no sin to love and worship gold.

If they can purchase pardons with a sum,
For sins they may commit in time to come,
And for sins past,-'tis very well for Rome.
At this rate they are happiest who have most;
They'll purchase Heaven at their own proper cost.
Alas! the poor, and they alone, are lost.

Whence came this knack? or, where did it begin?
What author have they? or, who brought it in ?
Did Christ e'er keep a custom-house for sin?

Some subtle devil, without more ado,

Did certainly this sly invention brew,

To gull them of their souls and money too.

TIT FOR TAT.

SAYS the squire to the parson, "If you were to lie

In this dish, we could make a substantial goose-pie."

Quoth the parson, "If you in your grave were extended,Which I hope won't take place till your morals are mended,And I read the prayers, by a much better rule

The parish might call me a goose-bury fool."

PROXIES.

"By proxy I pray, and by proxy I vote,"
A graceless peer said to a churchman of note;
Who answered, 66
My lord, then I'll venture to say,
You'll to heaven ascend in a similar way."

CHURCH-GOING.

"ATTEND your Church," the parson cries:
To church each fair one goes;
The old go there to close their eyes,
The young to eye their clothes.

THE BISHOP AND HIS PORTMANTEAU.

"I HAVE lost my portmanteau."

ON HEARING A PERSON SAY THAT, IF HE ATTENDED
TO HIS DEVOTIONS AT HOME, IT WAS OF NO
IMPORTANCE THAT HE ABSENTED HIMSELF
FROM CHURCH.

SMALL store of manners! when thy Prince bids come
And feast at court, to say I've meat at home.

SYDNEY SMITH'S ADVICE WHEN THE DEAN AND
CANONS OF ST. PAUL'S COMPLAINED OF THE
DELAY IN FIXING THE WOOD PAVEMENT.

WHY fret, and frit your time away,
Grumbling about this wooden way?
Just put your heads together, friends,
And in a trice we've means to ends.

REV. J. C. NAPLETON.