SHEPHERD ON SUMPHS. 283 denied ony considerable share o' understaunin, without ha'in chose to mak him just a'thegither an indisputable idiot. North. Hem! I've got a nasty cold. Shepherd. His puir pawrents haena the comfort o' bein able, without frequent misgivings, to consider him a natural-born fule, for you see he can be taucht the letters o' the alphabet, and even to read wee bits o' short words, no in write but in prent, sae that he may in a limited sense be even something o' a scholar. North. A booby of promise. Shepherd. Just sae, sir-I've kent sumphs no that illspellers. But then, you see, sir, about some sax or seven years auld, the mind of the sumphie is seen to be stationary, and generally about twal it begins slawly to retrograwd; sae that at about twenty-and at that age, if you please, sir, we shall consider him-he has verra little mair sense nor a sookin babby. North. Tickler-eyes right-attend to the Shepherd. Shepherd. Nevertheless, he is in possession o' knowledge ayont the reach o' Betty Foy's son and heir, so rationally celebrated by Mr Wudsworth in his Excursion North. "Lyrical Ballads." Shepherd. I mean Bauldy Foy's excursion for the doctor. North. Well? Shepherd. Kens sun frae moon, cock frae hen, and richt weel man frae woman; for it is a curious fact that your sumph is as amatory as Solomon himsel, and ye generally find him married and standin at the door o' his house like a schule-maister. North. Like a schoolmaster-How? Shepherd. The green before his house owerflows wi' weans, a' his ain progeny; and his wife, a comely body, wi' twins on her breist, is aiblins, wi' a pleased face, seen smilin ower his shouther. North "O fortunati nimium! sua si bona norint Shepherd. I doubt, sir, if you hae ony authority for the formation o' that diminutive. Let's hae gude Latin, or nane. North. Mine is always good-but in Maga often miserably marred by the printing, to the horror of Priscian's ghost. Shepherd. Sumphs are aye fattish-wi' round legs like 284 SHEPHERD ON SUMPHS. women generally wi' red and white complexions - though I've kent them black-a-viced, and no ill-lookin, were it no for a want o' something you canna at first sicht weel tell what, till you find by degrees that it's a want o' everything—a want o' expression, a want o' air, a want o' mainner, a want o' smeddum, a want o' vigour, a want o' sense, a want o' feelin — in short, a want o' sowl-a deficit which nae painstakin in education can ever supply; and then, oholoos! but they're dour, dour, dour obstinater than either pigs or cuddies, and waur to drive alang the high road o' life. For, by tyin a string to the hint leg o' a grumphie, and keepin jerk-jerkin him back, you can wile him forrits by fits and starts; and the maist contumacious cuddie you can transplant at last, by pourpourin upon his hurdies the oil o' hazel; but neither by priggin nor prayin, by reason nor by rung, when the fit's on him, frae his position may mortal man howp to move a sumph. North. Too true. I can answer for the animal. Shepherd. Sometimes he'll staun' for hours in the rain, though he has gotten the rheumatics, rather than come into the house, just because his wife has sent out ane o' the weans to ca' in its faither at a sulky juncture-and in the tantrums he'll pretend no to hear the denner-bell, though ever so hungry; and if a country squire, which he often is, hides himsel somewhere amang the shrubs in the policy. North. Covering himself with laurel. Shepherd. Then, oh! but the sumph is selfish selfish. What a rage he flees intil at beggars! His charity never gangs farther than sayin he's sorry he happens no to hae a bawbee in his pocket. When ane o' his weans at tea-time asks for a lump o' sugar, he either refuses it, or selects the wee'est bit in the bowl-but taks care to steal a gey big piece for himsel, for he is awfu' fond o' sweet things, and dooks his butter and bread deep into the carvey. He is often in the press North. What! an author? Shepherd. In the dining-room press, stealin jam, and aften lickin wi' his tongue the thin paper on the taps o' jeely-cans -and sometimes observed by the lad or lass comin in to mend the fire, in a great hurry secretin tarts in the pouches o' his breeks, or leavin them in his alarm o' detection half SHEPHERD ON SUMPHS. 285 eaten on the shelf, and ready to accuse the mice o' the rubbery. North. What are his politics? Shepherd. You surely needna ask that, sir. He belangs to the Cheese-paring and Candle-end Saveall School is a follower o' Josey Hume and's aye ready to vote for retrenchment. North. His religion? Shepherd. Consists solely in fear o' the deevil, whom in childhood the sumph saw in a wudcut-and never since went to bed without sayin his prayers, to escape a charge o' hornin.1 North. Is all this, James, a description of an individual, or of a genus? Shepherd. A genus, I jalouse, is but a generic name for a number o' individuals ha'in in common certain characteristics; so that, describe the genus and you hae before you the individual-describe the individual and behold the genus. True that there's nae genus consisting but o' ae individual—but the reason o' that is that there never was an individual stannin in nature exclusively by himsel—if there was, then he would undoubtedly be likewise his ain genus. And, pray, why not? Tickler. What is the meaning of all this botheration about sumphs? Shepherd. Botheration about sumphs! In answer to some stuff of Southside's, I said, he spoke like a sumph. Mr Tickler then asked me to describe a sumph-and this sketch is at his service. 'Tis the merest outline; but I have pented him to the life in a novelle. Soon as the Reform Bill is feenally settled, Mr Blackwood is to publish, in three volumms, "The Sumph; by the Shepherd." He'll hae a prodigious rin. North. Cut out Clifford. Shepherd. Na, Bullwer's' a clever chiel-and, in ma opinion, describes fashionable life the best o' a' the Lunnoners. North. Except the author of Granby. Shepherd. I hae never read the Marquis o' Granby. Send him out to the Forest. Tickler. In your opinion! Shepherd. Ay-in ma opinion. What's to prevent him that 1 A charge of horning is, in Scotch law, a suit for the recovery of a debt. 2 Bulwer. 286 A COUNTRY LASS AND A TOWN BELLE. wons in huts frae judgin o' the life in ha's, ony mair than him that wons in ha's frae judgin o' the life in huts? Na-I'm no verra sure gif the lord's no the best critic on the lucubrations o' the lout, and the lout on the lord's. For whatever's truly good, and emanates brichtly frae the shrine o' natur, will strike wi' a sudden charm on the heart o' him that is made acquented wi't frae a distance, as if it were a revelation o' the same law pervadin a' spheres o' being alike, though vainly thocht to be separate pairts o' ae great and vawrious system. Canna a King, if worthy to wear a croon, contemplate wi' delicht Burns's "Cottar's Saturday Nicht," and canna peasant admire the pictur o' piety in a palace? Tickler. James-good. Shepherd. Think ye that Ramsay's Gentle Shepherd had to learn muckle either in the way o' mind or mainners, when discovered to be by birth a baronet ? North. I verily believe not much. Shepherd. Strip a kintra lad or lass o' their claes Tickler. No, no, James. Shepherd. But I say ay, ay. Strip a kintra lass, o' laigh degree, perfectly skuddy,' and set her aside a toun belle o' noble bluid, equally naked, on a pedestal, like twa sister statues by Chauntrey or Macdonald, wi' their airms leanin wi' affectionate elegance on ilk ither's snawy shouther, or twined roun' their lily necks, and wha micht be able to tell the ewe-milker frae the duchess? Tickler. Not I-without my specks. Shepherd. Or watch first the ane and then the ither doin some duty to a pawrent, suppose, leadin a blin' faither out intil the sun, and sittin aside him, aiblins at his feet, wi' ae ivory airm hangin ower his knees, and the ither haun haudin a book-best o' a', if the Bible-while her tearfu' een can yet weel discern the words o' comfort that her smilin lips do musically receet-and will ony Christian man tell me, that they arena baith angels, and however far apairt they may leeve on earth, winna dwall thegither in heaven? North. I confess it does surprise me, to hear you, James, express yourself so beautifully over haggis. Shepherd. What for? What's a wee haggis but a big raggoo?-an' a big raggoo, but a wee haggis? But, will 1 Skuddy-naked. you believe me, Mr Tickler, I was sae taen up wi' the natural sentiment, that I kentna what was on my plate. Tickler. And probably have no recollection of having, within the last ten minutes, eat a how-towdy. Shepherd. What the deevil are you twa about? Circumnavigating the table in arm-chairs! What! Am I on wheels too? [The SHEPHERD follows NORTH and TICKLER round the genial board. North. How do you like this fancy, my dear James ? Shepherd. Just excessively, sir. It gies us a perfeck command o' the entire table, east and wast, north and south; and, at present, I calculate that I am cuttin the equawtor. North. It relieves Mr Ambrose and his young gentlemen from unnecessary attendance-and, besides, the exercise is most salutary to persons of our age, who are apt to get fat and indolent. Shepherd. Fozy. So ye contrive to rin upon horrals,1 halting before a darling dish, and then away on a voyage o' new discovery. This explains the itherwise unaccountable size o' this immense circle o' a table. Safe us! It would sit forty! And yet, by this ingenious contrivance, it is just about sufficient size for us Three. Hae ye taen out a pawtent? North. No. I hate monopolies. Shepherd. What! You, the famous foe o' Free-tredd! Shepherd. Dinna tempt me, sir, to lose a' patience under a treatise on taxes North. Well-I won't. But you admire these curricles? Shepherd. Movable at the touch o' the wee finger. Whase invention ? North. My own. Shepherd. You Dedalus ! North. The principle, James, I believe is perfect—but I have not been yet able to get the construction of the vehicle exactly to my mind. Shepherd. I dinna ken what mair you could howp for, unless it were to move at a thocht. Farewell, sirs, I'm aff across the line to yon pie-nae sma' bulk even at this distance. Can it be pigeons? [SHEPHERD wheels away south-east. 1 Horrals or Whorles-very small wheels. |