When Adam wak'd, so custom'd; for his sleep Such whispering wak'd her, but with startled eye whom I have at present in my thoughts; though the character that is given to the last of the authors, is what I would recom mend to the imitation of my loving countrymen. But it is not only public places of resort, but private clubs, and conversations over a bottle, that are infested with this loquacious kind of animal, especially with that species which I comprehend under the name of a story-teller. I would earnestly desire these gentlemen to consider, that no point of wit or mirth at the end of a story, can atone for the half hour that has been lost before they come at it. I would likewise lay it home to their serious consideration, whether they think that every man in the company has not a right to speak as well as themselves? And whether they do not think they are invading another man's property, when they engross their time, which should be divided equally amongst the company, to their own private use ? What makes this evil the much greater in conversation is, that these humdrum companions seldom endeavour to wind up their narrations into a point of mirth or instruction, which might make some amends for the tediousness of them, but think they have a right to tell any thing that has happened within their memory. They look upon matter of fact to be a sufficient founda tion for a story, and give us a long account of things, not because they are entertaining or surprising, but because they are true. From my own Apartment, December 15. BOCCALINI, in his Parnassus, indicts a laconic writer for speaking that in three words which he might have said in two, and sentences him, for his punishment, to read over all the works of Guicciardin. This Guicciardin is so very prolix and circum- My ingenious kinsman, Mr. Humphrey stantial in his writings, that I remember our Wagstaff, uses to say, "The life of man is countryman Dr. Donne, speaking of that too short for a story-teller." Methusalem majestic and concise manner in which Mo-might be half an hour in telling what o'clock ses has described the creation of the world, it was; but as for us post-diluvians, we ought adds, "That if such an author as Guicciar- to do every thing in haste; and in our speechdin were to have written on such a subject, es, as well as actions, remember that our the world itself would not have been able to time is short. A man that talks for a quarhave contained the books that gave the his-ter of an hour together in company, if I meet tory of its creation. وو sible life. him frequently, takes up a great part of my I look upon a tedious talker, or what is span. A quarter of an hour may be reckgenerally known by the name of a story- oned the eight-and-fortieth part of a day, a teller, to be much more insufferable than a day the three hundred and sixtieth part even a prolix writer. An author may be of a year, and a year the three-score and tossed out of your hand, and thrown aside, tenth part of life. By this moral arithmewhen he grows dull and tiresome; but such tic, supposing a man to be in the talking liberties are so far from being allowed to- world one third part of the day, whoever wards your orators in common conversation, gives another a quarter of an hour's hearthat I have known a challenge sent a personing, makes him a sacrifice of more than the for going out of the room abruptly, and leav-four hundred thousandth part of his convering a man of honour in the midst of a dissertation. This evil is at present so very common and epidemical, that there is scarce a coffee-house in town that has not some speakers belonging to it, who utter their political essays, and draw parallels out of Baker's Chronicle, to almost every part of her Majesty's reign. It was said of two ancient authors, who had very different beauties in their style, that if you took a word from one of them, you only spoiled his elo-person to whom it is spoken. quence; but if you took a word from the other, you spoiled his sense. I have often applied the first part of this criticism to several of these coffee-house speakers I would establish but one great general rule to be observed in all conversations, which is this, That men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear them. This would make them consider, whether what they speak be worth hearing; whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say; and whether it be adapted to the time when, the place where, and the For the utter extirpation of these orators and story-tellers, which I look upon as very great pests of society, I have invented a watch, which divides the minutes into twelve parts, after the same manner that the ordi- | think himself injured till a few days after nary watches are divided into hours; and will endeavour to get a patent, which shall oblige every club or company to provide themselves with one of these watches, (that shall lie upon the table as an hour-glass is often placed near the pulpit,) to measure out the length of a discourse. I shall be willing to allow a man one round of my watch; that is, a whole minute to speak in; but if he exceeds that time, it shall be lawful for any of the company to look upon the watch, or to call him down to order. Provided, however, that if any one can make it appear he is turned of threescore, he may take two, or, if he pleases, three rounds of the watch without giving offence. Provided also, that this rule be not construed to extend to the fair sex, who shall still be at liberty to talk by the ordinary watch that is now in use. I would likewise earnestly recommend this little automaton, which may be easily carried in the pocket without any encumbrance, to all such as are troubled with this infirmity of speech, that, upon pulling out their watches, they may have frequent occasion to consider what they are doing, and by that means cut the thread of their story short, and hurry to a conclusion. I shall only add, that this watch, with a paper of directions how to use it, is sold at Charles Lillie's. I am afraid, a Tatler will be thought a very improper paper to censure this humour of being talkative; but I would have my readers know, that there is a great difference between tattle and loquacity; as I shall show at large in a following lucubration, it being my design to throw away a candle upon that subject, in order to explain the whole art of tattling in all its branches and sub-divisions. No. 265.] Tuesday, December 19, 1710. Arbiter hic igitur factus de lite jocosâ. Ovid. Met. the aforesaid blow was given him; but that having ruminated with himself for several days, and conferred upon it with other officers of the militia, he concluded, that he had in effect been cudgelled by Mr. Heedless, and that he ought to resent it accordingly The counsel for the prosecutor alleged, that the shoulder was the tenderest part in a man of honour; that it had a natural antipathy to a stick; and that every touch of it, with any thing made in the fashion of a cane, was to be interpreted as a wound in that part, and a violation of the person's honour who received it. Mr. Heedless replied, that what he had done, was out of kindness to the prosecutor, as not thinking it proper for him to appear at the head of the trainedbands with a feather upon his shoulder; and further added, that the stick he had made use of on this occasion, was so very small, that the prosecutor could not have felt it, had he broken it on his shoulders. The censor hereupon directed the jury to examine into the nature of the staff, for that a great deal would depend upon that particular. Upon which he explained to them the different degrees of offence that might be given by the touch of a crab-tree from that of a cane, and by the touch of a cane from that of a plam hazle stick. The jury, after a short perusal of the staff, declared their opinion, by the mouth of their foreman, that the substance of the staff was British oak. The censor then observing that there was some dust on the skirts of the criminal's coat, ordered the prosecutor to beat it off with the aforesaid oaken plant; "And thus (said the censor) I shall decide this by the law of retaliation: If Mr. Heedless did the colonel a good office, the colonel will by this means return it in kind; and if Mr. Heedless should at any time boast that he had cudgelled the colonel, or laid his staff over his shoulders, the colonel might boast, in his turn, that he has brushed Mr. Heedless's jacket, or (to use the phrase of an ingenious author) that he has rubbed him down with an oaken towel." Benjamin Busy, of London, merchant, was Continuation of the Journal of the Court of indicted by Jasper Tattle, Esq. for having Honour, &c. pulled out his watch, and looked upon it thrice, while the said Esquire Tattle was As soon as the court was sat, the ladies of giving him an account of the funeral of the the bench presented, according to order, a said Esquire Tattle's first wife. The pritable of all the laws now in force, relating to soner alleged in his defence, that he was govisits, and visiting-days, methodically di-ing to buy stocks at the time when he met gested under their respective heads, which the censor ordered to be laid upon the table, and afterwards proceeded upon the business of the day. Henry Heedless, Esq. was indicted by Colonel Touchy, of her Majesty's trainedbands, upon an action of assault and battery: for that he, the said Mr. Heedless, having espied a feather upon the shoulder of the said colonel, struck it off gently with the end of a walking-staff, value three-pence. It appeared that the prosecutor did not the prosecutor; and that, during the story of the prosecutor, the said stocks rose above two per cent. to the great detriment of the prisoner. The prisoner further brought several witnesses, that the said Jasper Tattle, Esq. was a most notorious story-teller; that before he met the prisoner, he had hindered one of the prisoner's acquaintance from the pursuit of his lawful business, with the account of his second marriage; and that he had detained another by the button of his coat that very morning, till he had The court then adjourned till after the heard several witty sayings and contri- Copia Vera. CHARLES LILLIE. Rideat et pulset lasciva decentius aetas.-Hor. soner for what the prisoner had lost by giv- No. 266.] Thursday, December 21, 1710. ing him so long and patient a hearing. He further reprimanded the prosecutor very severely, and told him, “That if he proceeded in his usual manner to interrupt the business of mankind, he would set a fine upon him for every quarter of an hour's impertinence, and regulate the said fine according as the time of the person so injured should appear to be more or less precious. Sir Paul Swash, Kt. was indicted by Peter Double, Gent. for not returning the bow which he received of the said Peter Double, on Wednesday the 6th instant, at the Playhouse in the Hay-Market. The prisoner denied the receipt of any such bow, and alleged in his defence, that the prosecutor would oftentimes look full in his face, but that when he bowed to the said prosecutor, he would take no notice of it, or bow to somebody else that sat quite on the other side of him. He likewise alleged, that several ladies had complained of the prosecutor, who, after ogling them a quarter of an hour, upon their making a courtesy to him, would not return the civility of a bow. The censor observing several glances of the prosecutor's eye, and perceiving that, when he talked to the court, he looked upon the jury, found reason to suspect that there was a wrong cast in his sight, which, upon examination, proved true. The censor therefore ordered the prisoner (that he might not produce any more confusions in public assemblies) never to bow to any body whom he did not at the same time call to by his name. Oliver Bluff, and Benjamin Browbeat, were indicted for going to fight a duel since the erection of the Court of Honour. It appeared, that they were both taken up in the street as they passed by the court, in their way to the fields behind Montague House, The criminals would answer nothing for themselves, but that they were going to exexcute a challenge which had been made above a week before the Court of Honour was erected. The censor finding some reasons to suspect (by the sturdiness of their behaviour) that they were not so very brave as they would have the court believe them, ordered them both to be searched by the grand jury, who found a breast-plate upon the one, and two quires of paper upon the other. The breast-plate was immediately ordered to be hung upon a peg over Mr. Bickerstaffe's tribunal, and the paper to be laid upon the table for the use of his clerk. He then ordered the criminals to button up their bosoms, and, if they pleased, proceed to their duel. Upon which they both went very quietly out of the court, and retired to their respective lodgings. From my own Apartment, December 20. IT would be a good appendix to the Art of Living and Dying, if any one would write the Art of Growing Old, and teach men to resign their pretensions to the pleasures and gallantries of youth, in proportion to the alteration they find in themselves by the approach of age and infirmities. The infirmities of this stage of life would be much fewer, if we did not affect those which attend the more vigorous and active part of our days; but, instead of studying to be wiser, or being contented with our present follies, the ambition of many of us is also to be the same sort of fools we formerly have been. I have often argued, as I am a professed lover of women, that our sex grows old with a much worse grace than the other does; and have ever been of opinion, that there are more well-pleased old women than old men. I thought it a good reason for this, that the ambition of the fair sex being confined to advantageous marriage, or shining in the eyes of men, their parts were over sooner, and consequently the errors in the performance of them. The conversation of this evening has not convinced me of the contrary ; for one or two fop women shall not make a balance for the crowds of coxcombs among ourselves, diversified according to the dif ferent pursuits of pleasure and business. Returning home this evening a little before my usual hour, I scarce had seated myself in my easy chair, stirred the fire, and stroked my cat, but I heard somebody come rumbling up stairs. I saw my door opened, and a human figure advancing towards me, so fantastically put together, it was some minutes before I discovered it to be my old and intimate friend Sam. Trusty. Immediately I rose up, and placed him in my own seat; a compliment I pay to few. The first thing he uttered was, "Isaac, fetch me a cup of your cherry brandy, before you offer to ask me any questions. He drank a lusty draught, sat silent for some time, and at last broke out: "I am come, (quoth he) to insult thee for an old fantastic dotard, as thou art, in ever defending the women. I have this evening visited two widows, who are now in that state I have often heard you call an after-life: I suppose you mean by it, an existence which grows out of past entertainments, and is an untimely delight in the satisfactions which they once set their hearts upon too much to be ever able to relinquish. Have but patience (continued he) till I give you a succinct account of my ladies, and of this night's adventure. They are much of an age, but very different in their characters. | am a pretty curious observer) stood a pot of The one of them, with all the advances lambetive electuary, with a stick of liquorwhich years have made upon her, goes on ish, and near it a phial of rose-water and in a certain romantic road of love and friend-powder of tutty. Upon the table lay a pipe ship, which she fell into in her teens; the filled with bettony and coltsfoot, a roll of other has transferred the amorous passions wax-candle, a silver spitting-pot, and a Seof her first years to the love of cronies, pets, ville orange. The lady was placed in a and favourites, with which she is always large wicker chair, and her feet wrapped up surrounded: but the genius of each of them in flannel, supported by cushions; and in will best appear by the account of what this attitude (would you believe it, Isaac ?) happened to me at their houses. About five was she reading a romance with spectacles this afternoon, being tired with study, the on. The first compliments over, as she was weather inviting, and time lying a little upon industriously endeavouring to enter upon my hands, I resolved, at the instigation of conversation, a violent fit of coughing seized my evil genius, to visit them, their husbands her. This awakened Shock, and in a trice having been our contemporaries. This I the whole room was in an uproar; for the thought I could do without much trouble,dog barked, the squirrel squealed, the monfor both live in the very next street. I went key chattered, the parrot screamed, and first to my Lady Camomile; and the butler, Ursula, to appease them, was more clamowho had lived long in the family, and seen rous than all the rest. You, Isaac, who know me often in his master's time, ushered me how any harsh noise affects my head, may very civilly into the parlour, and told me, guess what I suffered from the hideous din of though my lady had given strict orders to these discordant sounds. At length all was be denied, he was sure I might be admitted, appeased, and quiet restored, A chair was and bid the black boy acquaint his lady that drawn for me, where I was no sooner seated, I was to wait upon her. In the window lay but the parrot fixed his horny beak, as sharp two letters; one broke open, the other fresh as a pair of sheers, in one of my heels, just sealed with a wafer: the first directed to above the shoe. I sprung from the place the divine Cosmelia; the second to the with an unusual agility, and so being within charming Lucinda; but both, by the in- the monkey's reach, he snatches off my new dented characters, appeared to have been bob wig, and throws it upon two apples that writ by very unsteady hands. Such uncom- were roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire. I was mon addresses increased my curiosity, and nimble enough to save it from any further put me upon asking my old friend the but-damage than singing the foretop. I put it fer, if he knew who those persons were?on, and composing myself as well as I could, Very well, (said he.) This is from Mrs. I drew my chair towards the other side of Furbish to my lady; an old school-fellow, the chimney. The good lady, as soon as she and great crony of her ladyship's; and this the answer." I inquired in what country she lived. "Oh dear! (says he,) but just by, in the neighbourhood. Why, she was here all this morning; and that letter came, and was answered, within these two hours, They have taken an odd fancy, you must know, to call one another hard names; but, for all that, they love one another hugely." By this time the boy returned with his lady's humble service to me, desiring I would excuse her, for she could not possibly see me, nor any body else; for it was opera night." had recovered breath, employed it in making a thousand apologies, and with great eloquence, and a numerous_train of words, lamented my misfortune. In the middle of her harangue, I felt something scratching near my knee, and feeling what it could be, found the squirrel had got into my coat pocket. As I endeavoured to remove him from his burrow, he made his teeth meet through the fleshy part of my fore-finger. This gave me an inexpressible pain. The Hungary water was immediately brought to bathe it, and gold-beater's skin applied to "Methinks (says I) such innocent folly as stop the blood. The lady renewed her extwo old womens courtship to each other, cuses; but being now out of all patience, I should rather make you merry, than put you abruptly took my leave, and hobbling down out of humour." "Peace, good Isaac, (says stairs with heedless haste, I set my foot full he;) no interruption, I beseech you. I got in a pail of water, and down we came to the soon to Mrs. Feeble's, she that was formerly bottom together. Here my friend concluBetty Frisk; you must needs remember her; ded his narrative; and, with a composed Tom. Feeble, of Brazen-Nose, fell in love countenance, I began to make him compliwith her for her fine dancing. Well, Mrs.ments of condolence; but he started from Ursula, without further ceremony, carries me directly up to her mistress's chamber, where I found her environed by four of the most mischievous animals that can ever infest a family: an old shock dog with one eye, a monkey chained to one side of the chimney, a great grey squirrel to the other, and a parrot waddling in the middle of the room. However, for a while, all was in a profound tranquillity. Upon the mantle-tree (for I his chair, and said, "Isaac, you may spare your speeches; I expect no reply: when I told you this, I knew you would laugh at me but the next woman that makes me ridiculous, shall be a young one. No. 267.] ,, Saturday, December 23, 1710. Qui genus humanum ingenio superavit, et emnes From my own Apartment, December 22. | profligate writers of the present age, whom (I must confess) I have always accused to myself, not so much for their want of faith, as their want of learning. I HAVE heard, that it is a rule among the conventuals of several orders in the Romish church, to sh1 hemselves up at a certain time of the year, not only from the world in general, but from the members of their own fraternity, and to pass away several days by themselves in settling accounts between their Maker and their own souls, in cancelling unrepented crimes, and renewing their contracts of obedience for the future. Such stated times for particular acts of devotion, or the exercise of certain religious duties, have been enjoined in all civil governments, whatever deity they worshipped, or whatever religion they professed. That which may be done at all times, is often totally neglected and forgotten, unless fixed and determined to some time more than another; and therefore, though several duties may be suitable to every day of our lives, they are most likely to be performed, if some days are more particularly set apart for the practice of them. Our church has accordingly instituted several seasons of devotion, when time, custom, prescription, and (if I may so say) the fashion itself, call upon a man to be serious and attentive to the great end of his being, I have hinted in some former papers, that the greatest and wisest of men in all ages and countries, particularly in Rome and Greece, were renowned for their piety and virtue. It is now my intention to show how those in our own nation, that have been unquestionably the most eminent for learning and knowledge, were likewise the most eminent for their adherence to the religion of their country. I might produce very shining examples from among the clergy; but, because priestcraft is the common cry of every cavilling empty scribler, I shall show, that all the laymen who have exerted a more than ordinary genius in their writings, and were the glory of their times, were men whose hopes were filled with immortality, and the prospect of future rewards, and men who lived in a dutiful submission to all the doctrines of revealed religion. I shall in this paper only instance Sir Francis Bacon, a man who, for the greatness of genius, and compass of knowledge, did honour to his age and country; I could almost say to human nature itself. He possessed at once all those extraordinary talents which were divided amongst the greatest authors of antiquity. He had the sound, distinct, comprehensive knowledge of Aristotle, with all the beautiful lights, graces and embellishments of Cicero. One does not know which to admire most in his writings, the strength of reason, force of style, or brightness of imagination. This author has remarked in several parts of his works, that a thorough insight into philosophy makes a good believer; and that a smattering in it naturally produces such a race of despicable infidels as the little I was infinitely pleased to find among the works of this extraordinary man, a prayer of his own composing, which, for the elevation of thought, and greatness of expression, seems rather the devotion of an angel than a man. His principal fault seems to have been the excesss of that virtue which covers a multitude of faults. This betrayed him into so great an indulgence towards his servants, who made a corrupt use of it, that it stripped him of all those riches and honours which a long series of merits had heaped upon him. But in this prayer, at the same time that we find him prostrating himself before the great mercy-seat, and humbled under afflictions which at that time lay heavy upon him, we see him supported by the sense of his integrity, his zeal, his devotion, and his love to mankind, which give him a much higher figure in the minds of thinking men, than that greatness had done from which he was fallen. I shall beg leave to write down the prayer itself, with the title to it, as it was found among his Lordship's papers, written in his own hand; not being able to furnish my reader with an entertainment more suitable to this solemn time. A Prayer or Psalm made by my Lord Ba con, Chancellor of England. "Most gracious Lord God, my merciful Father; from my youth up, my Creator, my Redeemer, my comforter. Thou, O Lord, soundest and searchest the depths and secrets of all hearts; thou acknowledgest the upright of heart; thou judgest the hypocrite; thou ponderest men's thoughts and doings as in a balance; thou measurest their intentions as with a line; vanity and crooked ways cannot be hid from thee. ૬. Remember, O Lord! how thy servant hath walked before thee; remember what I have first sought, and what hath been principal in my intentions. I have loved thy assemblies, I have mourned for the divisions of thy church, I have delighted in the brightness of thy sanctuary. This vine, which thy right hand hath planted in this nation, I have ever prayed unto thee that it might have the first and the latter rain, and that it might stretch her branches to the seas, and to the floods. The state and bread of the poor and oppressed have been precious in mine eyes; I have hated all cruelty and hardness of heart; I have (though in a despised weed) procured the good of all men. If any have been mine enemies, I thought not of them; neither hath the sun almost set upon my displeasure; but I have been as a dove, free from superfluity of maliciousness. Thy creatures have been my books, but thy scriptures much more. I have sought thee in the courts, fields, and gardens, but I have found thee in thy tem ples. |