very verdant eyes, and rivalled Herz, Doehler, and Thalberg combined as a pianiste; here, then, was equality again. But then, Mr. Rush Tymmons wrote poetry, went without a neckcloth, wore his shirt-collar horizontally, looked as if he committed great excesses in toast and water, and, in short, was the Byron of Blichingly. Then, again, Mr. Sam Simmons had written such an article in the Ladies' Magazine upon tight lacing, pathology, and green tea, that he was considered to beat him hollow in science and profundity. Mr. Tymmons, senior, was awfully vulgar; ditto, Mr. Simmons, senior, and Mrs. S. was unconcealably ashamed of him; ditto Mrs. T. of Mr. T. But the younger branches of the family were so very "genteel!" that there was nothing like them, except it might be the younger branches of the Simmonses, and they would rather have been like nothing than like the Tymmonses. Next clashed their love of aristocratic acquaintances, which was not only their glory in particular, but like glory in general, inasmuch as that it was "Like a circle in the water, Which never ceaseth to enlarge itself Till, by broad spreading, it disperse to naught." Mr. Tymmons being a radical, Lord de Clifford and his mother used to honour him with their company at dinner once during every election, on which memorable occasions a man cook, waiters, lamps, and Champagne glasses were always hired from Triverton. While, on the other hand, Mr. Simmons, being a Tory, was, with his wife and seven daughters, during these elective periods of national independence and discrimination, always invited by Lady Sudbury to her tableaux at Campfield, the last of which had been from the Vicar of Wakefield, representing neighbour Flamborough's family picture, wherein the seven Miss Simmonses represented the seven Miss Flamboroughs, with seven oranges in their hands, and produced such a sensation, that two duchesses, three marchionesses, four countesses, one royal duke, eight Lord Johns and Lord Williams, and four-and-twenty bran-new baronets, laughed themselves into hysterics. This was not to be borne; and, accordingly, Mr. Rush Tymmons, after sitting up all night and. quaffing two draughts of Moxon's effervescing magnesia, produced the following (what he called) smashing epi gram, and inserted it anonymously in the "Triverton Independent," headed by the following little affiché: 66 ON THE LATE BUFFOONERY AT CAMPFIELD. "Oh, what must the Tories, Miss Simmonses, feel, This brilliant and razor-like piece of satire was rewarded by Mr. Rush's paternal perpetrator with a 57. note! and by his justly proud mother with a very elegant double-gilt chain; but the injured Simmonses, the victims of this Cassius-like attack, which had made such a noise in the printing-office of the Triverton Independent and in their own breakfast-room, never dreamed, never suspected, never imagined, for a moment, the hated quarter from whence it had emanated; for they met the Tymmonses as usual, at church or elsewhere, with the same zero bows and courtesies as ever; and the Waterloo-blue coach never passed the green fly without their respective occupants smiling prussic acid at each other. Now Miss MacScrew was too much a woman of the world ever to care more for one person than another, let her have received what kindness she might from them, socially or politically; she had no idea of the corrupt system of assisting anybody. "Sibi quemque cavere oportet," was her motto. Nevertheless, with all this world of impartiality to range through, which her El Dorado in the Three per Cents. enabled her to do without offending any one, yet she was sometimes puzzled when circumstances compelled her to exert her congé d'elire; for if the Simmonses took her twice running to some tea-party where the Tymmonses were not going, she invariably found that she had a dinner the less that week at the Tymmonses, or vice versá; then, on the other hand, there was more in the long run to be got out of the Simmonses, for they remained at Blichingly all the year round, whereas the Tymmonses regularly went every year six weeks to Margate, and empty houses give no dinners; but then, to be sure, their cousin, the Reverend Nathaniel Peter Hoskins, sent her regular supplies of poultry, game, fish, and vegetables, and, consequently, they were not to be offended, though, as she observed in confidence to Mrs. Simmons, such presents were VOL. I.-S very expensive, as they entailed upon one the necessity of a fire to dress them; for which reason, as soon as she received them, she generally sent them down to Mrs. Simmons, with "her compliments, and that, if they dined at home, she would herself look in at five o'clock!" which was always answered with "they should be delighted to see Miss MacScrew at five precisely, or at one to luncheon, if she was not better engaged.' Now the Reverend Nathaniel Peter Hoskins thought, by a parity of reasoning, that as Miss MacScrew never rejected his presents, she could not possibly reject himself; but his conclusions were drawn from false premises; for she not only refused him, but, upon his proposing for her a third time, forbade him her house, or even to make his appearance in Lavender-lane; to which he replied, with chivalric gallantry, that his heart should be laid up in lavender for her till her cruelty relented sufficiently to accept it. How could she refuse him, "for, take him for all in all, she ne'er would look upon his like again!" His face was a dark copper colour, very long and very square; his hair grizzled, short, and rampant, like a scrubbing-brush that “had done its duty, and had done no more;" his eyes were coffee-coloured and dancing, with butter-cup whites to them; his nose was short, straight, and very thick; his upper lip very long, and his under one fashioned after the model of a pap-boat; his teeth long, yellow, and so projecting, that his lips had a sinecure, for they could never meet to transact business, which gave his face the appearance of an eternal grin, even when preaching and discussing the most serious subjects; his figure was colossal, and very high shouldered, and his limbs were so loosely and jerkily hung, that he gave one the idea of being composed of stray legs and arms: the evolution of bowing he always performed by butting his head forward like a ram, while his body writhed, wriggled, and lashed about like an eel. Such was the man that Miss MacScrew had had the self-denial to refuse; but peace, alas! is not even for the prudent, nor ease for the economical! another attack upon her purse had been recently made by Mr. Herbert Grimstone through the medium of Mr. Tymmons, to try and borrow two thousand pounds at any per centage, and with every security, from her, as it would not do to borrow it from his mother, whom he assured he was brought in free; and without it he could not, at the next election, stand. B Now, though Miss MacScrew professed great reluctance to lend money on any terms, yet, from the amplitude of the security Mr. Tymmons advanced on the part of Lord de Clifford, she was on the point of acceding, when an urgent letter from Major Nonplus, written in the plenitude of his friendly zeal to back his friend Herbert's request, contained such a dismal and forcible statement of that gentleman's ruined fortunes and baseless prospects, as at once deterred Miss MacScrew from stirring another step in the business, beyond going back every step she had previously advanced. It was this unexpected and appalling contretemps that had induced Mr. Herbert Grimstone to write to Marseilles, and despatch Captain Datchet (whom he had long known in his diplomatic capacity to be an excellent secret agent) to Blichingly, to lead the forlorn hope of another attack upon Miss MacScrew's purse. Accordingly, the morning after his arrival at Lee's cottage saw Captain Datchet, at eight o'clock, on his way to Lavender-lane; not in his rough sailor's costume of the evening before, but in a handsome surtout, lined with fur, French-polished boots, unexceptionable hat and gloves, and his hair flowing gracefully, according to the present fashion, over his ears. Miss MacScrew's mansion in Lavender-lane was a yellow brick, two-windowed, three-storied house, the parlour windows of which were defended from the intrusive gaze of street passengers by deep yellow leno blinds, drawn upon white tape, and fastened with tin tacks to each side of the window-frame. Being the first house on the left-hand side of the lane, it had only a right-hand neighbour, which consisted of a small mineral and vegetable emporium, alias a coal-shed, where potatoes, turnips, carrots, oysters, and red-herrings were also sold; next to this was a small public house, the Magpie and Spoon; next to this again was a still smaller house, with a slate-coloured board between the first floor windows, in which large yellow letters proclaimed that within was "Miss Grubb's Seminary for Young Ladies." One more house was next to this, with a worsted stocking thrust through a broken pane of one of the windows on the ground-floor, while the model of a man-of-war for sale graced the other; and two announcements over the door, of “Mangling done here," and "Matthew Square teches reeding, riting, and rethmetic above," completed the row on this side of the street, while those on the opposite side were still unfinished, except one small one, whose lower windows were gracefully festooned with sausages, and the profiles of several pigs, with the torsos of others; the corner house, next to the "Swinish Multitude," presented a few old vials, and an assurance that the highest price was there given for rags of every description, and which was most likely Miss MacScrew's inducement for fixing her abode immediately opposite. The clock of a neighbouring church was striking eight as Miles Datchet tugged at the stiff black knocker of Miss MacScrew's door, till he achieved something like a postman's knock with a postscript to it, being three distinct thumps, at a respectful distance from each other. No sooner had the last sounded, than a Leghorn bonnet and three black holyoaks was seen peering over the yellow blind of the far window, to ascertain who the intruder could possibly be; while Sally, the red-headed maid, who could, through the legitimate channel of opening the door, have satisfied her curiosity at once, preferred the circuitous one of going into the area and gazing upward, to the great risk of a very dirty nightcap taking its departure in the northeast wind to the opposite ragshop. Even the lady of the coal-shed kept a dustman full two minutes longer than she need have done, opening some oysters that she had selected for his morning's repast, while she took a "lingering look" at Miss MacScrew's smart visiter. One of the windows of Miss Grubb's "Seminary" was also thrown up, and three heads precipitately appeared, one bob-major with a high-backed comb and long ringlets, which was the head of the school, Miss Grubb herself; the other two were small editions of Monk Lewis's Tails of Wonder, for their length was really surprising: these were two of the "young ladies." In short, the whole street was thrown into commotion by such a visiter at such an hour, and not a countenance but expressed the most intense curiosity and wonder, except those of the pigs in the opposite window. Sally at length shuffled up stairs, and opened the door with one hand, while with the other she gathered her clothes about her, lest, like the leaves in autumn, they should fall off. Miss MacScrew never kept a handmaiden more than two or three weeks, for she gave them four shillings a week to find themselves; consequently, as she observed, they got too much mon |