imparting moral instruction to me, and while I remained with him, I considered him in every respect fair game, as an object of ridicule and detestation. The return of the boys was hailed with a scowl and volleys of abuse. A sort of decimation was determined upon, and I was one doomed to receive stripes, with several others of the boldest hearts, but while we suffered we flinched not, but sounded defiance even in the sight and hearing of the pedagogue. Next morning we had determined on being upside with him. Accordingly it was proposed to coup the caup upon Gaby. This was done as follows: A wooden bowl was filled with water, and after the school bell announced the presence of the pupils, it was the practice of the master to enter by a postern which communicated through a neat garden to his house. On the top of this door, which stood a-jar, was placed the wooden bowl,-all seemed attentive to their books-a low buzzing noise was heard, every urchin squinted at the door, but scarcely dared to lift his eye as high as the destined bowl. Fain would the mischievous wight who placed it there have removed it, as the critical moment drew night-but it was then too late -the hem! and the hurried step of Gabriel Birch were heard every one gathers himself up more intensely to his studies-at last another hem, the door springs back, the bowl empties its contents as exactly as the bucket of a Persian wheel, and the Rev. Gabriel Birch stood confest a living and well ducked scarecrow to all rigorous pedagogues. To be resumed. Biography. AFFECTING TALE. The Vintner's Company have been rich in works of charity. One of its most distinguished members, Mr. Benjamin Kenton, who died in 1800, though of humble origin and of little education, amassed a sum of £100,000 as a vintner, £65,000 of which he bequeathed to charitable purposes, including £2,000 to the general fund of the Vintner's Company, and £2,500 for rebuilding the Vintner's alms-houses at Mile-end. The disposal of the remainder of his property is connected with an affecting domestic tale. Mr. Kenton had an only daughter to whom he was fondly attached; she fixed her affections on a young gentleman who had been from his youth in her father's employment as clerk. The old gentleman, however, disapproved of the connexion, and the lovers preferred submission to the will of one whom they both revered, to an alliance without his sanction. "The result," as a biographical notice of one of the suffering parties states, was of serious consequence to the father as well as his daughter, for it impaired her health, and by a gradual decline she sunk in sorrow to the grave. The conduct of Mr. Watts, (the clerk) upon that melancholy occasion, and a more intimate acquaintance with his subsequent character, so endeared him to his patron, that unavailing regret accompanied the rest of Mr. Kenton's days." Mr. Kenton died in May, 1800, left to Mr. Watts the whole of the residue of his property not bequeathed to charitable purposes. 44 Miscellaneous. There is a time to laugh and a time to weep."-SOL. METHOD OF SETTLING DISPUTES. Sir Richard Phillips has, in his Monthly Magazine, published an excellent plan for settling disputes, without the interference of lawyers; it is the simple and unexpensive method of arbitration; the witnesses are to be examined separately, as before a grand jury, and no lawyer is admitted an arbitrator, that the law may not confound equity. If an angel from heaven (says the philanthropist,) warned me that I had but an hour to live, and I wished to spend that hour in rendering my country the highest service in my power (in relation to its social institutions,) I should dictate something like the following: In all agreements, let a clause be inserted, that differences and disputes between the parties, shall be made the subject of reference to three or five men of business, all of whom shall hear evidence, and decide finally, under the 9th and 10th William III. without the interference, presence, or intervention, and without the doubts, quibbles, or surmises of lawyers, &c.—In May,` 1794, a case in chancery was determined, which gave the plaintiff three-pence, and his attorney £13 6s 9d! No good Story is the worse of repetition. Let a man of common sense, having read an author with some attention, lay down the book, and then ask himself this question, what has this writer told me that is really new-true, clear, and convincing, and which I did not know before? He will generally find that he may put all this down in a very small compass, and that the task may be performed, even by the most busy, without the help of an amanuensis. Literary characters, indeed, who are constantly on the hunt for interesting anecdotes, will no doubt recognize many of mine as old acquaintances, but such characters are not numerous, and I see no reason why that which amuses, and also instructs, should be monopolized by any class, and particularly by a small one; as Whitfield, when he set divine psalms to airs that were profane, did so, because he could not see why the devil should have all the best tunes, so neither can I conceive why all the best stories should be confined to the Literati, who, by the bye, are not a whit better able to enjoy them than the unlearned, since their common sense is often deficient, precisely in proportion to their possession of that which is not so; in which case, we might apply the repartee of Des Cartes, to a certain Marquis who had animadverted rather illiberally on this philosopher's indulging himself in the luxuries of the tableWhat, Sir, do you think that Providence made good things only for fools?" 66 Swearing. It is not easy to perceive what pleasure can arise from the empty sound of senseless interjections; or what superior entertainment can spring from the profane sound of God, Devil, damn, curse, than from the sound of wax, wafers, pens, ink, or any other words of the same number of syllables. It is not easy to perceive what profit is annexed to it. Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, there never was a man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often happens that men pay for their swearing, but it seldom happens that they are paid for it. It is not easy to perceive what honour or credit is connected with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing? Never. Low must be the character which such impertinence will exalt; high must be the character which such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support it. The drunkard has his cups; the lecher, his mistress; the setirist, his revenge; the ambi tious man, his preferments; the miser, his gold; but the common swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large; sells his soul for nought; and drudges in the service of the Devil gratis. Swearing is void of all plea. It is not the native offspring of the soul, not interwoven with the texture of the body, nor any way allied to our frame. For as a great man (Tillotson) expresses it, "though some men pour out oaths as if they were natural, yet no man was ever born of a swearing constistitution." But it is a custom, a low and paltry custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits, who have no sense of honour, no regard to decency; but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense, to supply the vacancy of good sense. Hence the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the silliness of those that adopt it. A Blockhead's and Philosopher's Skull the same.— After death, the head of Professor Person was dissected, and to the confusion of all craniologists, but to the consolation of all blockheads, it was discovered that he had the thickest skull of any professor in Europe. Professor Gall, on being called upon to explain this phenomenon, and to reconcile so tenacious à memory, with so thick a receptacle for it, is said to have replied, "How the ideas got into such a skull, is their business, not mine; I have nothing to do with that; but let them once get in-that is all I want; once in, I will defy them ever to get out again." ANSWERS TO CONUNDRUMS, &c. 45. Because it is between U and I.-46. The word Longer, to which when no is added, becomes no longer. --47. Because though the latter may be a good man, the former is a better.-48. Because it is inconvenient, i. e. in the word convenient.--48. Drunkenness (Drunken S!!!) NEW CONUNDRUMS, PUZZLES, &c. 49. On a cold day, what poet would you chuse for your companion? 51. If I am put in the stocks, why is it illegal? 52. What is the value of a grain of oats? 53. There are certain substances (found in this island in abundance) from which, if the external parts are removed, pure oil is left without pressure or other process. What are they? 54. My whole's a well-known solemn sound; If to behead me by your pleasure, A female common name is found; The Economist. THE ADVANTAGES OF A GOOD EDUCATION. Nor is the usefulness of learning confined to what is commonly called science; for we find it necessary to qualify men for business and employments. It was to the instruction which Scipio imbibed under his father's care, that he was indebted for all the glory he obtained in the conquest of Carthage and Numantia. No one could fill up the vacant hours of business to more advantage than he. Divided betwixt war and peace, he was constantly employed in exposing his body to dangers, or improving his mind by study. Lucullus so improved in reading good authors, and the study of history, that although he set out from Rome at the head of an army with little or no experience in military affairs, he arrived in Asia an excellent general. And, to pass over what is recorded of Brutus, &c. it is certain that the greatest generals have been also distinguished for their learning: do not Cæsar, Polybius, Xenophon, and Thucydides, by their lively descriptions, carry the reader into the field of battle; lay before him the reason of the disposition of their troops, and the choice of their ground; point out to him the first onsets and progress of the engagement, the inconveniences intervening, and the remedies applied; the inclining of the victory to this or that side; and by these steps lead him as it were by the hand, to the event? Whercas a general, without application to learning, should fortune decree him laurels, will lessen the glory of his victory by dry, faint, lifeless relations, and support the achievements of his sword very badly with his pen: he may very aptly be compared to one that writes a fine band, but spells very badly. The same may be said of all employments either in church or state; for there is no station of life but requires either that we should speak or write in public or private, or give an account of our office, or manage others, or gain them over, or persuade them. What is more common than to hear men of good natural parts bemoaning the want of learning, and blaming their parents, guardians, &c. for neglecting their education, which keeps them out of profitable employments, leaves them unequal to those they have obtained, or makes them sink under their weight? On the contrary, the great applause given to the man of distinguished education, should inspire every one to an imitation of what they so naturally commend and admire in another. |