228 Two ridiculous CHARACTERS. are never permitted to study, leaft it May that every word is minced and clipt in order to appear foft and delicate. When he walks, he endeavours to move his unwieldy figure along in the pert trip, or eafy fhambling pace of our pretty fellows; and commonly carries a thin jemmy stick in his hand, which naturally reminds us of Hercules with a diftaff. The reverend Mr. Jeffamy, (who took orders only becaufe there was a good living in the family,) is known among the ladies by the name of the beau-parfon. He is indeed the most delicate creature imaginable; and differs fo much from the generallity of the clergy, that I believe the very fight of a plumb pudding would make him (woon. Out of his canonicals, his conftant drefs is what they call parfon's-blue, lined with white; a black fattin waistcoat, velvet breeches, and filk ftockings: His pumps are of dog-skin made by Tull; and it is faid that he had a joint of one of his toes cut off, whofe length be ing out of all proportion, prevented his hav Cing a handfome foot. His very grizzle iş fcarceorthodox: For, though it would be open fchifm to wear a bag, yet his wig has always a bag-front, and is properly cropped behind, that it may not eclipfe the luftre of his diamond fteckbuckle. He cannot bear the thoughts of being fea-fick; or elfe he declares he would certainly go abroad, where he might again resume his Dlaced cloaths, and appear like a gentleman in a bag-wig, and fword. But if thefe common foibles of the female world are ridiculous even in thefe B equivocal half-men, thefe neuter fomethings between the male and female, how awkwardly must they fit upon the more robust and mafculine part of mankind? What indeed can be more abfurd, than to fee a huge fellow with the make of a porter, and fit to mount the stage as a champion at Broughton's amphitheatre, fitting to varnish his broad face with paint and Benjamin-wafh? For my part I never fee a great looby aiming at delica te, but it feems as ftrange and uncouth a figure as Achilles in petticoats. This folly is alfo particularly condemned, when it appears in the more folemn characters of life, to which gravity of appearance is effential; and in which the leaft marks of foppery feem as improper, as a physician would feem ridiculous prefcribing in a bag-wie, or a ferjeant pleading at the King's-Bench in his own hair inftead of a night cap periwig. As I think an inftance or two of this kind would fhew this folly in the most striking light, I fhall here fubjoin two characters, in whom as it is molt improper, it will confequently appear most ridiculous. John Hardman is upwards of fix feet high, and fout enough to beat two of the An Extract from the CRAFTSMAN of May 3, will not unaptly be added to the foregoing CONNOISSEUR. A DECENT and becoming dress, fuitable to the station and characE ter which every man bears in life, is a ftrong leading circumstance, to denote prudence and difcretion. And we may fet it down as an unerring rule, that foppery in apparel, is a fure indication of Jevity of mind. turdieft chairmen that ever came out of Ireland. Nature indeed feems to have intended John himself to carry a chair, but fortune has enabled him to appear in whatever character he likes best, and he has wifely difcovered, that none will fit fo eafy on him as that of a pretty fellow. It is therefore his study to new-mould his face, and perfon: He throws his goggle eyes into leers, languishes and ogles; and endeavours to draw up his hideous mouth, that extends from one ear to the other, into a fimper. G His voice, which is naturally of a deeper bafe than an hurdy-gurdy, is in a manner fet to a new tune: And his fpeech, which is very much tin&tured with the broad dialect of a particular county, is delivered with fo much nicety and gentleness, Our manners are beyond all doubt, in fome measure influenced by our dress. Thinking men in all ages have been fenfible of this effect, as may be proved by feveral paffages in history. Denys of Halicarnaffus particularly takes notice, that Ariftodemus the tyrant, in order to corrupt and enervate the youth, ordered the young men to wear their hair flowing like the women, and to cloath themfelves in raiment of different colours. For while the body is decked in all the fantastick modes of foppery, the mind is insensibly withdrawn from all glorious operations, and becomes fhamefully weak and attached to trifles. Thus when I fee a young counsellor, with an arch tye wig, drawn over his own 1755. Apparatus of a TURTLE-EATER. So own curls en papillottes-I fhrewdly fuf- As gravity, ought to be the diftinguishing characteristick of thefe profeffions, it B fhould appear at all times, both in their drefs and behaviour. But it requires great judgment to fupport it, fo as to avoid affectation. Some, mistake gravity for the only requifite-And think, that a large wig and folemn countenance, are undeniable proofs, of profound abilities. But they do not confider, that the folemnity of an owl, makes its stupidity the more ridiculous. There is a frange perverfion in mankind, which inclines them to appear, the reverfe of what they are. Thus while the lawyer and divine, affect to difcard the full bottom-Thofe of the most trifling Occupations, in whom it is no ways material whether they wear a cut bob or a woollen night cap, appear overwhelmed with immenfe periwigs. From the WORLD, May 8. D 229 nefs, and though I cannot compliment my countymen on their endeavours to imitate it, I shall here give my readers a moft faithful account of the only turtle feast, I ever had the honour to be prefent at. Towards the latter end of the last fummer, I called upon a friend in the city, who, though no Weft-Indian, is a great importer of turtle for his own eating. Upon my entrance at the great gates, my eyes were caught with the fhells of that animal, which were difpofed in great order along the walls; and I ftopt fo long in aftonishment at their fize and number, that I did not perceive my friend's approach, who had traverfed the court to receive me. However, I could find he was not difpleafed to fee my attention fo deeply engaged upon the trophies of his luxury. Come, fays he, if you love turtle, I'll fhew you a fight; and bidding me follow him, he opened a door, and difcovered fix turtles fwimming about in Ca vaft ciftern, round which there hung twelve large legs of mutton, which he told me were just two days provision for the turtle; for that each of them con.fumed a leg of mutton every day. He then carried me into the house, and fhewing me fome blankets of a peculiar. fort, thefe, fays he, are what the turtle lie in o'nights; they are particularly adapted to this ufe: I have established a manufacture of them in the Weft. But fince you are curious in these matters, continued he, I will fhew you fome of my inventions. Immediately he unlocked a drawer, and produced as many fine faws, chizels and inftruments of different contrivance, as would have made a figure in the apparatus of an anatomist. One was destined to start a rib; another to fcrape the callipafh; a third to disjoint the vertebræ of the back-bone; with many others, for purpofes which I could not remember. The next fcene of won.. der was the kitchen, in which was an oven, that had been rebuilt with a mouth of most uncommon capacity, on purpose for the reception of an enormous turtle, which was to be dreft that very day, and which my friend infifted I should stay to partake of. I would gladly have been excufed; but he would not be denied ; propofing a particular pleasure in entering a new beginner, and affuring me, thar if I fhould not happen to like it, I need not fear the finding fomething to make out a dinner; for that his wife, though the knew it would give him the greatest pleasure in the world, could never be prevailed on to taste a fingle morfel of turtle. He then carried me To give our Readers an Account of a new Species of Luxury in Eating, we barve inferted the following bumorous Defcription E of a Turtle Feaft. O F all the improvements of the mo F dern kitchen, there are none that can bear a comparifon with the introduction of turtle. We are indebted for this delicacy, as well as for feveral others, to the generous fpirit and benevolent zeal of the West-Indians. The profufion of luxury, with which the Creolian in England covers his board, is intended only as a foil to the more exquifite dainties of America. His pride is to triumph in your neglect of the former, while he labours to ferve you from the vaft shell, which fmokes under his face, and occafions him a toil almost as intolerable, as that of the flaves in his plantations. But he G would die in his fervice rather than fee his guests, for want of a regular fupply, eat a morfel of any food which had not croffed the Atlantick ocean. Though it was never my fortune to be regaled with the true Creolean polite the 230 A TURTLE-FEAST defcribed. to the fish, which was to be the feast of the day, and bid me obferve, that though it had been cut in two full twenty hours, it was still alive. This was indeed a meFancholy truth; for I could plainly obferve a tremulous motion almoft continually agitating it, with, now and then, more diftinguishable throbbings. While I was examining thefe faint indications of fenfibility, a jolly negro wench, obferving me, came up with a handful of fait, which the fprinkled all over the creature. This inftantly produced fuch violent convulfions, that I was no longer able to look upon a fcene of fo much horror, and ran thuddering out of the kitchen. My friend endeavoured to fatisfy me, by fay. B ing that the head and heart had been cut in pieces twenty hours before; and that the whole was that inftant to be plunged in boiling water: But it required fome reflection, and more, or perhaps, lefs philofophy than I am master of, to reconcile fuch appearances to human feelings. I endeavoured to turn the difcourfe by afking what news? He answered, "There is a fleet arrived from the Weft-Indies." He then hook his head, and looked ferious; and after a fufpence, which gave room for melancholy apprehenfions, lamented that they had been very unfortu nate the last voyage, and loft the greatest part of their cargo of turtles. May cook was punctual; and the lady of the houfe appeared, on this extraordinary day, the moment the dinner was ferved upon the table. Upon her first entrance, the ordered the hell to be moved from the upper end of the table, declaring the could not bear the fmell, or fight of it fo near her. It was immediately changed for a couple of boiled chickens, to the great regret of all who fat in her neighbourhood, who followed it with their eyes, inwardly lamenting that they should In vain never taste one of the good bits. did they fend their plates, and folicit their fhares ; the plunderers who were now in poffeffion of both the fhells, were fenfible to no call but that of their own appetites, and till they had fatisfied them, there was not one that would listen to any thing else. The eagerness, however, and difpatch of their rapacity having foon fhrunk the choice pieces, they vouchfafed to help their friends to the coarfer parts, as there. by they cleared their way for the fearch Cafter other delicacies; boafting aloud all the while, that they had not fent one good bit to the other end of the table. When the meat was all made away with, and nothing remained but what adhered to the thell, our landlord, who during the whole time had taken care of nobody but himself, began to exercise his various inftruments; and amidit his ef He pro- D forts to procure himself more, broke out ceeded to inform me of the various me- tating on this new term, and, I confefs, F Upon the firft rap at the door, there en- G tered a whole fhoal of guests; for the turtle cater is a gregarious, I had almost faid, a fociable animal; and I thought it remarkable, that in fo large a number, there fhould not be one who was a whole mithe very myte later than the time; nay, in praise of the fuperior flavour of the fpinal marrow, which he was then helping himself to, and for the goodness of which the company had his word. The guests having now drank up all the gravy, and fcraped the thells quite clean, the cloth was taken away, and the wine brought upon the table. But this change produced nothing new in the converfation. No hunters were ever more loud in the pofthumous fame of the hero of their fport, than our epicures in memory of the turtle. To give fome little variety to the difcourfe, I asked if they had never tried any other creature which might poffibly refembie this exquisite food; and propofed the experiment of an aligator, whofe fcales feemed to be intended by nature for the protection of green fat. was ftopt fhort in my reafoning by a gentleman, who told me, that upon trial of the aligator, there had been found fo strong a perfume in his flesh that the ftomach naufeated, and could not bear it; and that this was owing to a bail of mufk, which is always difcovered in the head of that animal. I had however the fatisfaction to perceive that my question did me no difcredit with the company; and befo.e it broke up, I had no less than twelve 1755. Further Strictures on GRAVITATION. invitations to turtle for the enfuing fummer. Befides the honour herein defigned me, I confider thefe invitations as having more real value than fo many shares in any of the bubbles in the famous Southfea year; and I make no doubt but that, by the time they become due, they will be marketable in Change-alley. For as the gentlemen of White's have borrowed from thence the method of transferring the furplus dinners which they win at play, it is probable they will, in their turn, furnish a hint to the alley, where it will foon be as common to transfer fhares in turtle, as in any other kind of Rock. To the AUTHOR of the LONDON SIR, YOUR YOUR correfpondent who has undertaken the defence of the pallage quoted from the Adventurer, tells me that," If I had been able to diftinguish words from things, I fhould have paffed by fuch a trifling inaccuracy of expreffion in a moral writer, content to understand him as fuch, and admire his other more elegant paffages." And a little after, he fays, that "What I fo much cavil at is only a repetition, allowable in fpeculative writers for elegance fake." Hence it ap 231 ter. Thefe opinions are, I fay, contradictory; but which is the truer, or which is the greater man, the difciple or the mafter, I dare not prefume to determine, tho' perhaps, after all, tho' this man thinks gravitation a property inherent in matter, he does not think it a property A communicable to matter, if fo, I should be glad to know how he thinks matter came poffeffed of this property? B My 2d queftion is, What are the effects of gravitation? The answer given by your friend is that "They are innumerable fome evident to the fenfes, others lefs evident." I fuppofe he means lofs evident than things evident to the fenfes. Of the effects evident to the fenfes he gives the following inftance. "If, fays he, Dicceophilus ftands perpendicularly under the eaft angle of the gallery on the top of the monnment, and at that infant a marble fell from the point which is vertical to him, the increafed velocity with which it will ftrike upon his head will be found to be the woful effects of gravitation.” I take the liberty to remark, that your correfpondent blunders a little in this place, for furely increafed velocity is but one fes why then does he call it effects? A blunder of like kind may be found in his inftance of the lefs evident effects of gravitation. "Some of the lefs evident effects of gravitation arc, fays he, the m pears to be the opinion of this ingenious Dtions of the heavenly bodies, which, by gentleman, that inaccuracies are allowable in fpeculative writers for elegance fake: This dogma is new to me, and I must own that, according to it, your friend is a very elegant writer. As I am fo unreasonable as earnestly to defire an anfever to what I think unansweralle, this good natured man will, it feems, E comply with my request. One of my queftions is, What is gravitation abfracted from its effects? to which he answers, F That gravitation is that property inhe rent in matter, whereby the feveral parts and portions thereof are impelled towards one common center." I defire it may be obferved, ift. that this fage has described gravitation by its effects; whereas I defired to be informed what gravitation is abfiracted from its effects. As for his faying that it is an inherent property in matter, this is no definition at all of it, for the fame may with equal, if not greater, appearance of truth be faid of folidity, extenfion, &c. Secondly, it is obfervable that this philofopher clathes with the per-G fon he undertakes to defend; for Newton declares, that he cannot account for gra"vitation as a property communicable to matter: But this author tells us, that gravitation is a property inherent in mat the help of mathematicks, is now become clear almoft to a demonstration." I defire to be informed if this falfe concord, which may properly enough be filed a repetition of the blunder last mentioned, be an inaccuracy of that fort which is allowable in fpeculative writers for elegance fake? But, perhaps, I ought to pafs by fuch inaccuracies or elegancies of cxpreffion in a moral writer, content to understand your friend as fuch, and admire his other are elegant paffages. To return therefore a little; the increafed velocity of the marble will, fays this writer, be found to be the quoful effects of gravitation: But, unless I am much miftaken, the woful effect that I should find would be acute pain. As for increafed velocity, I should not feel it, nor is it likely that I should think of it. Thefe inftances of the effects of gravitation teem with blunders. I defire the reader to obferve, that this fagacious gentleman tells us, that the motions of the heavenly bodies are effects of gravitation Jefs evident than effects evident to the feafes; but furely motion is an object of fenfe, and confequently not lefs evident than effects evident to the fenfes. I defire the reader alfo to obferve that, according 232 INSCRIPTION on MEA D's MONUMENT. May to this man, the motions of the heavenly diftinguish motion from the laws of mo. C D Once more to return a little, to my queftion, What is gravitation ? He answers, it is that inherent property in matter by which its parts are impelled perpendicularly towards a common center. To my queftion, What are the effects of gravitation? He answers, that the motions of the heavenly bodies are effects of it. Now I obferve, that the heavenly bodies by their motions defcribe curves; how then can thefe motions be the effects of a property by which thefe bodies are impelled perpendicularly? May it not as truly be faid, E that the motions of the heavenly bodies are the effects of the inherent property in matter by which the feveral parts and portions thereof are continually urged to fly off in a tangent? I defire however not to be understood as if I thought these motions were owing to fuch a property in matter, or to any property in matter whatever, nor do I think that matter has fuch a property. F Your friend after having endeavoured to defend the paffage from Newton, and boafted that he has fhewn my arguments against it to be abfurd and fallacious, is at length pleafed to correct it, and tells us that instead of" or conceive its effects to be otherwise produced" we should read G or conceive it as an effect otherwife produced." To which I answer, that Newton does not speak of gravitation as an effect, but as having effects; and fo does this gentleman when he tells us, that by gravitation the feveral parts and portions of matter are impelled towards one common centre: And again when he fays, that the motions of the heavenly bodies is the effects of gravitation; and that the effects of gravitation are innumerable. Many more abfurdities are to be found in the letter of this difciple of Newton : To answer them all would give you and myfelf too much trouble, I therefore conclude with declaring, that it has no other effect upon me than to confirm a fufpicion I have long entertained, viz. that if the foul of the great Sir Ifaac be at all touched by fublunary things, he is more athamed of his admirers than proud of his works. I am, Yours, &c. April, 14, 1755. DICOEOPHILUS. To oblige our Readers we have given them a V. A. Richardi Mead, archiatri, In prima juventute adeptus, In ægris curandis lenis erat ét mifericors, Inter affiduas autem artis falutaris occupa Quæ ingenio perfpicaci et ufu diuturno no taverat ; In generis humani commodum vulgavit. Literarum quaque et literatorum patronus fingularis, Bibliothecam lectiffimam optimis et rarifimis libris, Veterumque artium monumentis refertam comparavit, Ubi eruditorum colloquijs labores levabat Animo itaque excelfo præditus et moribus tus : Magno fplendore et dignitate vita pe- |