the greater freedom, when I was not under friend to no interests but those of truth and any impediment of thinking: I therefore virtue; nor a foe to any but those of vice threw myself into an assembly of ladies, and folly. Though I make more noise in but could not for my life get in a word the world than I used to do, I am still reamong them; and found that if I did not solved to act in it as an indifferent spectachange my company, I was in danger of tor. It is not my ambition to increase the being reduced to my primitive taciturnity.number either of whigs or tories, but of The coffee-houses have ever since been wise and good men; and I could heartily my chief places of resort, where I have wish there were not faults common to both made the greatest improvements; in order parties, which afford me sufficient matter to which I have taken a particular care to work upon, without descending to those never to be of the same opinion with the which are peculiar to either. man I conversed with. I was a tory at Button's, and a whig at Child's, a friend to the Englishman, or an advocate for the Examiner, as it best served my turn: some fancy me a great enemy to the French king, though in reality I only make use of him for a help to discourse. In short, I wrangle and dispute for exercise; and have carried this point so far, that I was once like to have been run through the body for making a little too free with my betters. In a word, I am quite another man to what I was. -Nil fait unquam Her. Sat. iii. Lib. 1. 18. Tam dispar sibi.Nothing was ever so unlike itself. My old acquaintance scarce know me; nay, I was asked the other day by a Jew at Jonathan's, whether I was not related to a dumb gentleman, who used to come to that coffee-house? But I think I never was better pleased in my life than about a week ago, when, as I was battling it across the table with a young Templar, his companion gave him a pull by the sleeve, begging him to come away, for that the old prig would talk him to death. Being now a very good proficient in discourse, I shall appear in the world with this addition to my character, that my countrymen may reap the fruits of my newacquired loquacity. If in a multitude of counsellors there is safety, we ought to think ourselves the securest nation in the world. Most of our garrets are inhabited by statesmen, who watch over the liberties of their country, and make a shift to keep themselves from starving by taking into their care the properties of their fellow-subjects. As these politicians of both sides have already worked the nation into a most unnatural ferment, I shall be so far from endeavouring to raise it to a greater height, that, on the contrary, it shall be the chief tendency of my papers to inspire my countrymen with a mutual good-will and benevolence. Whatever faults either party may be guilty of, they are rather inflamed than cured by those reproaches which they cast upon one another. The most likely method of rectifying any man's conduct, is by recommending to him the principles of truth and honour, religion and virtue: and so long as he acts with an eye to these principles, whatever party he is of, he cannot fail of being a good Englishman, and a lover of his country. As for the persons concerned in this work, the names of all of them, or at least of such as desire it, shall be published hereafter: until which time I must entreat the courteous reader to suspend his curiosity, and rather to consider what is written, than who they are that write it. Those who have been present at public disputes in the university know that it is usual to maintain heresies for argument's sake. I have heard a man a most impudent Socinian for half an hour, who has been an orthodox divine all his life after. I have taken the same method to accomplish myself in the gift of utterance, having talked above a twelvemonth, not so much for the benefit of my hearers, as of myself. No. 557.] Monday, June 21, 1714. Having thus adjusted all necessary preliminaries with my reader, I shall not trouble him with any more prefatory discourses, but proceed in my old method, and entertain him with speculations on every useful subject that falls in my way. But, since I have now gained the faculty I have been so long endeavouring after, I intend to make a right use of it, and shall think myself obliged for the future, to speak always in truth and sincerity of heart. While a man is learning to fence, he practises both on friend and foe; but when he is a master in the art, he never exerts it but on what he thinks the right side. That this last allusion may not give my reader a wrong idea of my design in this paper, I must here inform him, that the author of it is of no faction; that he is a C. Quippe domum timet ambiguam Tyriosque bilingues. "THERE is nothing,' says Plato, so delightful as the hearing or the speaking of truth.' For this reason there is no conversation so agreeable as that of the man of integrity, who hears without any intention to betray, and speaks without any intention to deceive. Among all the accounts which are given of Cato, I do not remember one that more redounds to his honour than the following passage related by Plutarch. As an advo- | than from London to Bantam; and thou cate was pleading the cause of his client knowest the inhabitants of one of these before one of the prætors, he could only places do not know what is done in the produce a single witness in a point where other. They call thee and thy subjects the law required the testimony of two per- barbarians, because we speak what we sons; upon which the advocate insisted on mean; and account themselves a civilized the integrity of that person whom he had people, because they speak one thing and produced; but the prætor told him, that mean another; truth they call barbarity, where the law required two witnesses he and falsehood politeness. Upon my first would not accept of one, though it were landing, one, who was sent from the king Cato himself. Such a speech from a per- of this place to meet me, told me that he son who sat at the head of a court of jus- was extremely sorry for the storm I had tice, while Cato was still living, shows us, met with just before my arrival. I was more than a thousand examples, the high troubled to hear him grieve and afflict himreputation this great man had gained among self upon my account; but in less than a his contemporaries upon the account of his quarter of an hour he smiled, and was as sincerity. merry as if nothing had happened. Another who came with him told me by my interpreter, he should be glad to do me any service that lay in his power. Upon which I desired him to carry one of my portmanteaus for me; but, instead of serving me according to his promise, he laughed, and When such an inflexible integrity is a little softened and qualified by the rules of conversation and good-breeding, there is not a more shining virtue in the whole catalogue of social duties. A man however ought to take great care not to publish himself out of his veracity, nor to refind his be-bid another do it. I lodged, the first week, haviour to the prejudice of his virtue. This subject is exquisitely treated in the most elegant sermon of the great British preacher. I shall beg leave to transcribe out of it two or three sentences, as a proper introduction to a very curious letter, which I shall make the chief entertainment of this speculation. at the house of one who desired me to think myself at home, and to consider his house as my own. Accordingly, I the next morning began to knock down one of the walls of it, in order to let in the fresh air, and had packed up some of the household goods, of which I intended to have made thee a present; but the false varlet no The old English plainness and sincerity, sooner saw me falling to work, but he sent that generous integrity of nature, and ho- word to desire me to give over, for that he nesty of disposition, which always argues would have no such doings in his house. I true greatness of mind, and is usually ac- had not been long in this nation before I companied with undaunted courage and re- was told by one, for whom I had asked a solution, is in a great measure lost among us. certain favour from the chief of the king's 'The dialect of conversation is now-a- servants, whom they here call the lorddays so swelled with vanity and compli- treasurer, that I had eternally obliged him. ment, and so surfeited (as I may say) of I was so surprised at his gratitude, that I expressions of kindness and respect, that if could not forbear saying, "What service a man that lived an age or two ago should is there which one man can do for another, return into the world again, he would really that can oblige him to all eternity!" Howwant a dictionary to help him to under-ever, I only asked him, for my reward, that stand his own language, and to know the true intrinsic value of the phrase in fashion; and would hardly at first believe at what a low rate the highest strains and expres-countrymen. sions of kindness imaginable do commonly pass in current payment; and when he should come to understand it, it would be a great while before he could bring himself, with a good countenance, and a good conscience, to converse with men upon equal terms and in their own way.' he would lend me his eldest daughter during my stay in this country; but I quickly found that he was as treacherous as the rest of his 'At my first going to court, one of the great men almost put me out of countenance, by asking ten thousand pardons of me for only treading by accident upon my toe. They call this kind of lie a compliment; for, when they are civil to a great man they tell him untruths, for which thou wouldest order any of thy officers of state to receive a hundred blows upon his foot. I do not know how I shall negotiate any thing with this people, since there is so little credit to be given to them. When I go to see the king's scribe, I am generally told that he is not at home, though perhaps I saw him go into his house almost the very moment before. Thou wouldest fancy that first question they always ask me is, how I the whole nation are physicians, for the do; I have this question put to me above a hundred times a-day. Nay, they are not only thus inquisitive after my health, but | wish it in a more solemn manner, with a full glass in their hands, every time I sit with them at table, though at the same time they would persuade me to drink their liquors in such quantities as I have found by experience will make me sick. They often pretend to pray for thy health also in the same manner; but I have more reason to expect it from the goodness of thy constitution than the sincerity of their wishes. May thy slave escape in safety from this double-tongued race of men, and live to lay himself once more at thy feet in the royal city of Bantam !' No. 558.] Wednesday, June 23, 1714. Qui fit, Macenas, ut nemo, quam sibi sortem Whence is't, Marcenas, that so few approve And forc'd to town, cries they are happiest there: Though proffer'd to be happy from above.-Horneck. IT is a celebrated thought of Socrates, that if all the misfortunes of mankind were cast into a public stock, in order to be equally distributed among the whole species, those who now think themselves the most unhappy, would prefer the share they are already possessed of before that which could fall to them by such a division. Horace has carried this thought a great deal farther in the motto of my paper, which implies, that the hardships or misfortunes we lie under are more easy to us than those of any other person would be, in case we would change conditions with him. As I was ruminating upon these two remarks, and seated in my elbow chair, I insensibly fell asleep; when on a sudden, methought, there was a proclamation made by Jupiter, that every mortal should bring in his griefs and calamities, and throw them together in a heap. There was a large plain appointed for this purpose. I took my stand in the centre of it, and saw with a great deal of pleasure the whole human species marching one after another, and throwing down their several loads, which immediately grew up into a prodigious mountain, that seemed to rise above the clouds. There was a certain lady of a thin airy shape, who was very active in this solemnity. She carried a magnifying glass in one of her hands, and was clothed in a loose flowing robe, embroidered with several figures of fiends and spectres, that discovered themselves in a thousand chimerical shapes, as her garment hovered in the wind. There was something wild and distracted in her looks. Her name was Fancy. She led up every mortal to the appointed place, after having very officiously assisted him in making up his pack, and laying it upon his shoulders. My heart melted within me to see my fellow-creatures groaning under their respective burdens, and to consider that prodigious bulk of human calamities which lay before me. There were however several persons who gave me great diversion upon this occasion. I observed one bringing in a fardel very carefully concealed under an old embroidered cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the heap, I discovered to be Poverty. Another, after a great deal of puffing, threw down his luggage, which, upon examining, I found to be his wife. There were multitudes of lovers saddled with very whimsical burdens composed of darts and flames; but, what was very odd, though they sighed as if their hearts would break under these bundles of calamities, they could not persuade themselves to cast them into the heap, when they came up to to it; but, after a few faint efforts, shook their heads, and marched away as heavy loaden as they came. I saw multitudes of old women throw down their wrinkles, and several young ones who stripped themselves of a tawny skin. There were very great heaps of red noses, large lips, and rusty teeth. The truth of it is, I was surprised to see the greatest part of the mountain made up of bodily deformities. Observing one advancing towards the heap with a larger cargo than ordinary upon his back, I found upon his near approach that it was only a natural hump, which he disposed of, with great joy of heart, among this collection of human miseries. There were likewise distempers of all sorts; though I could not but observe, that there were many more imaginary than real. One little packet I could not but take notice of, which was a complication of all the diseases incident to human nature, and was in the hand of a great many fine people: this was called the spleen. But what most of all surprised me, was a remark I made, that there was not a single vice or folly thrown into the whole heap; at which I was very much astonished, having concluded within myself, that every one would take this opportunity of getting rid of his passions, prejudices, and frailties. and wondered how the owners of them ever came to look upon them as burdens and grievances. As we were regarding very attentively this confusion of miseries, this chaos of calamity, Jupiter issued out a second proclamation, that every one was now at liberty to exchange his affliction, and to return to his habitation with any such other bundle as should be delivered to him. Upon this, Fancy began again to bestir herself, and, parcelling out the whole heap with incredible activity, recommended to I took notice in particular of a very pro- every one his particular packet. The hurry fligate fellow, who I did not question came and confusion at this time was not to be exloaded with his crimes: but upon searching pressed. Some observations which I made into his bundle I found, that instead of upon this occasion, I shall communicate to throwing his guilt from him, he had only the public. A venerable gray-headed man, laid down his memory. He was followed who had laid down the colick, and who I by another worthless rogue, who flung found wanted an heir to his estate, snatchaway his modesty instead of his ignorance. ed up an undutiful son that had been When the whole race of mankind had thrown into the heap by his angry father. thus cast their burdens, the phantom which The graceless youth, in less than a quarter had been so busy on this occasion, seeing of an hour, pulled the old gentleman by the me an idle Spectator of what had passed, beard, and had like to have knocked his approached towards me. I grew uneasy at brains out; so that meeting the true father, her presence, when of a sudden she held who came towards him with a fit of the her magnifying glass full before my eyes. gripes, he begged him to take his son again, I no sooner saw my face in it, but was and give him back his colick; but they startled at the shortness of it, which now were incapable either of them to recede appeared to me in its utmost aggravation. from the choice they had made. A poor The immoderate breadth of the features galley-slave, who had thrown down his made me very much out of humour with chains, took up the gout in their stead, but my own countenance, upon which I threw made such wry faces, that one might easily it from me like a mask. It happened very perceive he was no great gainer by the luckily that one who stood by me had just bargain. It was pleasant enough to see the before thrown down his visage, which it several exchanges that were made, for seems was too long for him. It was indeed sickness against poverty, hunger against extended to a most shameful length; I be- want of appetite, and care against pain. lieve the very chin was, modestly speaking, as long as my whole face. We had both of us an opportunity of mending ourselves; and all the contributions being now brought in, every man was at liberty to exchange his misfortunes for those of another person. But as there arose many new incidents in the sequel of my vision, I shall reserve them for the subject of my next paper. No. 559.] Friday, June 25, 1714. Quid causæ est, merito quin illis Jupiter ambas Horneck. IN my last paper, I gave my reader a sight of that mountain of miseries which was made up of those several_calamities that afflict the minds of men. I saw with unspeakable pleasure the whole species thus delivered from its sorrows; though at the same time, as we stood round the heap, and surveyed the several materials of which it was composed, there was scarcely a mortal in this vast multitude, who did not discover what he thought pleasures of life, The female world were very busy among themselves in bartering for features: one was trucking a lock of gray hairs for a carbuncle, another was making over a short waist for a pair of round shoulders, and a third cheapening a bad face for a lost reputation: but on all these occasions there was not one of them who did not think the new blemish, as soon as she had got it into her possession, much more disagreeable than the old one. I made the same observation on every other misfortune or calamity which every one in the assembly brought upon himself in lieu of what he had parted with: whether it be that all the evils which befal us, are in some measure suited and proportioned to our strength, or that every evil becomes more supportable by our being accustomed to it, I shall not determine. I could not from my heart forbear pitying the poor hump-backed gentleman mentioned in the former paper, who went off a very well shaped person with a stone in his bladder; nor the fine gentleman who had struck up this bargain with him, that limped through a whole assembly of ladies, who used to admire him, with a pair of shoulders peeping over his head. I must not omit my own particular adventure. My friend with a long visage had judgment of his neighbour's sufferings; for Verba intermissa retentat. Ovid, Met. Lib. i. 746. He tries his tongue, his silence softly breaks. Dryden. no sooner taken upon him my short face, | The heap was at last distributed among the two sexes, who made a most piteous sight, as they wandered up and down under the pressure of their several burdens. The whole plain was filled with murmurs and complaints, groans and lamentations. Jupiter at length taking compassion on the poor mortals, ordered them a second time to lay down their loads, with a design to give every one his own again. They discharged themselves with a great deal of pleasure: after which, the phantom who had led them into such gross delusion was commanded to disappear. There was sent in her stead a goddess of a quite different figure; her motions were steady and composed, and her aspect serious but cheerful. She every now and then cast her eyes towards heaven, and fixed them upon Jupiter: her name was Patience. She had no sooner placed herself by the Mount of Sorrows, but, what I thought very remarkable, the whole heap sunk to such a degree, that it did not appear a third part so big as it was before. She afterwards returned every man his own proper calamity, and teaching him how to bear it in the most commodious manner, he marched off with it contentedly, being very well pleased that he had not been left to his own choice as to the kind of evil which fell to his lot. Besides the several pieces of morality to be drawn out of this vision, I learnt from it never to repine at my own misfortunes, or to envy the happiness of another, since it is impossible for any man to form a right EVERY one has heard of the famous conjuror, who, according to the opinion of the vulgar, has studied himself dumb: for which reason, as it is believed, he delivers out his oracles in writing. Be that as it will, the blind Tiresias was not more famous in Greece than this dumb artist has been for some years last past in the cities of London and Westminster. Thus much for the profound gentleman who honours me with the following epistle. From my cell, June 24, 1714. 'SIR,-Being informed that you have lately got the use of your tongue, I have some thoughts of following your example, that I may be a fortune-teller, properly speaking. I am grown weary of my taciturnity, and having served my country many years under the title of "the dumb doctor,” I shall now prophesy by word of mouth, and (as Mr. Lee says of the magpie, who you know was a great fortune-teller among the ancients) chatter futurity. I have hitherto chosen to receive questions and return answers in writing, that I might avoid the tediousness and trouble of debates, my querists being generally of a humour to think that they have never predictions enough for their money. In short, sir, my case has been something like that of those discreet animals the monkeys, who, as the Indians tell us, can speak if they would, but purposely avoid it that they may not be made to work. I have hitherto gained a livelihood by holding my tongue, but shall now open my mouth in order to fill it. If I appear a little word-bound in my first solutions and responses, I hope it will not be imputed to any want of foresight, but to the long disuse of speech. I doubt not by this invention to have all my former customers over again; for, if I have promised any of them lovers or husbands, riches or good luck, it is my design to confirm to them, viva voce, what I have already given them under my hand. If you will honour me with a visit, I will compliment you with the first opening of my mouth: and if you please, you may make an entertaining dialogue out of the conversation of two dumb men. Excuse this trouble, worthy sir, from one who has been a long time, your silent admirer, 'CORNELIUS AGRIPPA.' |