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ill conduct in this kind. The young man all her nice airs and her crooked legs. Pray did not want natural talents; but the father be sure to put her in for both those two of him was a coxcomb, who affected being things, and you will oblige every body here, a fine gentleman so unmercifully, that he especially, your humble

servant, could not endure in his sight, or the fre

ALICE BLUEGARTER.' quent mention of one, who was his son, growing into manhood, and thrusting him out of the gay world. I have often thought No. 497.] Tuesday, September 30, 1712. the father took a secret pleasure in reflecting that, when that fine house and seat

Ουτος εστι γωλεωτης γερων, Μenander. came into the next hands, it would revive

A cunning old fox this! his memory, as a person who knew how to A FAVOUR well bestowed is almost as enjoy them, from observation of the rusti- great an honour to him who confers it as to city and ignorance of his successor. Cer- him who receives it. What indeed makes tain it is, that a man may, if he will

, let his for the superior reputation of the patron in heart close to the having no regard to any this case is, that he is always surrounded thing but his dear self, even with exclusion with specious pretences of unworthy candiof his very children. I recommend this dates, and is often alone in the kind 'inclinasubject to your consideration, and am, sir, tion he has towards the well deserving. your most humble servant, T. B.'

Justice is the first quality in the man who London, Sept. 26, 1712.

is in a post of direction; and I remember MR. SPECTATOR-I am just come from to have heard an old gentleman talk of the Tunbridge, and have since my return read civil wars, and in his

relation give an acMrs. Matilda Mohair's letter to you. She count of a general officer, who with this pretends to make a mighty story about the one quality, without any shining endowdiversions of swinging in that place. What ments, became so popularly beloved and was done was only among relations; and no honoured, that all decisions between man man swung any woman who was not second and man were laid before him by the parcousin at farthest. She is pleased to say, ties concerned, in a private way; and they care was taken that the gallants tied the would lay by their animosities implicitly, ladies' legs before they were wafted into if he bid them be friends, or submit themthe air. Since she is so spiteful, I will tell selves in the wrong without reluctance, if you the plain truth.There was no such he said it, without waiting the judgment of nicety observed, since we were all, as I courts-martial. His manner was to keep just now told you, near relations; but Mrs. the dates of all commissions in his closet, Mohair herself has been swung there, and and wholly dismiss from the service such she invents all this malice, because it was who were deficient in their duty; and after observed she had crooked' legs, of which I that took care to prefer according to the was an eye witness. Your humble servant, order of battle. His familiars were his enRACHEL SHOESTRING.'

tire friends, and could have no interested

views in courting his acquaintance; for his Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712. affection was no step to their preferment, •MR. SPECTATOR, -We have just now though it was to their reputation. By this read your paper, containing Mrs. Mohair's means a kind aspect, a salutation, a smile, letter. It is an invention of her own from and giving out his hand, had the weight of one end to the other; and I desire you what esteemed by vulgar minds more would print the enclosed letter by itself, substantial. His business was very short, and shorten it so as to come within the and he who had nothing to do but justice compass of your half sheet. She is the most was never affronted with a request of a famalicious minx in the world, for all she miliar daily visitant for what was due to a looks so innocent. Do not leave out that brave man at a distance. Extraordinary part about her being in love with her fa- merit he used to recommend to the king ther's butler, which makes her shun men; for some distinction at home; till the order for that is the truest of it all. Your humble of battle made way for his rising in the servant,

SARAH TRICE. troops. Add to this, that he had an excel•P. S. She has crooked legs.'

lent way of getting rid of such who he ob“Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712.

served were good at a halt, as his phrase •MR. SPECTATOR, -All that Mrs. Mo- hended all those who were contented to

Under this description he comprehair is so vexed at against the good com- live without reproach, and had no promptipany of this place is, that we all know she tude in their minds towards glory. These has crooked legs. This is certainly true. fellows were also recommended to the I do not care for putting my name, because one would not be in the power of the crea- into posts wherein diligence and common

king, and taken off the general's hands ture. Your humble servant, unknown.'

honesty were all that were necessary. This •Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712. general had no weak part in his line, but MR. SPECTATOR,—That insufferable every man had as much care upon him, prude, Mrs. Mohair, who has told such and as much honour to lose as himself. stories of the company here, is with child, for Every officer could answer for what passed

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where he was; and the general's presence himself and servants, that the whole court was never necessary any where, but where were in an emulation who should first introhe had placed himself at the first disposi- duce him to his holiness. What added to tion, except that accident happened from the expectation his holiness had of the extraordinary efforts of the enemy which pleasure he should have in his follies, was, he could not foresee; but it was remarkable that this fellow, in a dress the most exquithat it never fell out from failure in his own sitely ridiculous, desired he might speak to troops. It must be confessed the world is him alone, for he had matters of the highest just so much out of order, as an unworthy importance, upon which he wanted a conperson possesses what should be in the di- ference. Nothing could be denied to a coxrection of him who has better pretensions comb of so great hope; but when they were to it.

apart, the impostor revealed himself, and Instead of such a conduct as this old fel- spoke as follows: low used to describe in his general, all the evils which have ever happened among

*Do not be surprised, most holy father, mankind have arose from the wanton dis. at seeing, instead of a coxcomb to laugh at, position of the favours of the powerful. It your old

friend, who has taken this way of is generally all that men of modesty and access to admonish you of your own fólly. virtue can do, to fall in with some whimsi- Can any thing show your holiness how uncal turn in a great man, to make way for worthy you treat mankind, more than my things of real and absolute service. In the being put upon this difficulty to speak with time of Don Sebastian of Portugal, or some you? It is a degree of folly to delight to see time since, the first minister would let no- it in others, and it is the greatest insolence thing come near him but what bore the imaginable to rejoice in the disgrace of humosi profound face of wisdom and gravity. man nature. It is a criminal humility in a They carried it so far, that, for the greater person of your holiness's understanding, to show of their profound knowledge, a pair believe you cannot excel but in the conof spectacles tied on their noses with a

versation of half-wits, humourists, coxblack riband round their heads, was what combs, and buffoons. If your holiness has completed the dress of those who made a mind to be diverted like a rational man, their court at his levee, and none with you have a great opportunity for it, in disnaked noses were admitted to his presence. robing all the impertinents you have faA blunt honest fellow, who had a com- voured, of all their riches and trappings at mand in the train of artillery, had attempted once, and bestowing them on the humble, to make an impression upon the porter, the virtuous, and the meek. If your holiday after day in vain, until at length he ness is not concerned for the sake of virtue made his appearance in a very thoughtful and religion, be pleased to reflect, that for dark suit of clothes, and two pair of specta- the sake of your own safety it is not proper cles on at once. He was conducted from to be so very much in jest. When the pope room to room, with great deference, to the is thus merry, the people will in time begin minister; and, carrying on the farce of the to think many things, which they have place, he told his excellency that he had hitherto beheld with great veneration, are pretended in this manner to be wiser than in themselves objects of scorn and derision. he really was, but with no ill intention: but If they once get a trick of knowing how to he was honest Such-a-one of the train, and i laugh, your holiness's saying this sentence he came to tell him that they wanted wheel- in one night cap, and the other with the barrows and pick-axes. The thing hap- other, the change of your slippers, bringing pened not to displease, the great man was you your staff in the midst of a prayer, then seen to smile, and the successful officer was stripping you of one vest, and clapping on re-conducted with the same profound cere- a second during divine service, will be found mony out of the house.

out to have nothing in it. Consider, sir, that When Leo X. reigned pope of Rome, at this rate a head will be reckoned never his holiness, though a man of sense, and of the wiser for being bald, and the ignorant an excellent taste of letters, of all things will be apt to say, that going bare-foot does affected fools, buffoons, humourists, and not at all help on the way to heaven. The coxcombs. Whether it were from vanity, red cap and the cowl will fall under the and that he enjoyed no talents in other men same contempt; and the vulgar will tell us but what were inferior to him, or whatever to our faces, that we shall have no authority it was, he carried it so far, that his whole over them but from the force of our argudelight was in finding out new fools, and as ments and the sanctity of our lives.' T. our phrase is, playing them off, and making them show themselves to advantage. A priest of his former acquaintance, suffered No. 498.] Wednesday, October 1, 1712. a great many disappointments in attempting to find access to him in a regular cha

- Frustra retinacula tendens, racter, until at last in despair he retired

Fertur eq'uis auriga, neque audit currus habenas.

Virg. Georg. i. 514. from Rome, and returned in an equipage so

Nor reins, por curbs, nor cries the horses fear, very fantastical, both as to the dress of

But force along the trembling charioteer.-- Dryden."


To the Spectator-General of Great Britain. | seemed, at least to me, to be surrounded From the farther end of the Widow's Coffee house

with so many difficulties, that, not within Devereux-court. Monday evening, twenty- standing the unknown advantages which eight minutes and a half past six.

might have accrued to me thereby, I gave *DEAR DUMB.-In short, to use no far- over all hopes of attaining it; and I believe ther preface, if I should tell you that I have had never thought of it more, but that my seen a hackney-coachman, when he has memory has been lately refreshed by seecome to set down his fare, which has con- ing some of these ingenious gentlemen ply sisted of two or three very fine ladies, hand in the open streets, one of which I saw rethem out, and salute every one of them ceive so suitable a reward to his labours, with an air of familiarity, without giving that though I know you are no friend of the least offence, you would perhaps think story-telling, yet I must beg leave to troume guilty of a gasconade. But to clear my-ble you with this at large. self from that imputation, and to explain • About a fortnight since, as I was divertthis matter to you, I assure you that there ing myself with a pennyworth of walnuts at are many illustrious youths within this city, the Temple gate, a lively young fellow in who frequently recreate themselves by a fustian jacket shot by me, beckoned a driving of a hackney-coach: but those coach, and told the coachman he wanted to whom, above all others, I would recom- go as far as Chelsea. They agreed upon mend to you, are the young gentlemen be- the price, and this young gentleman mounts longing to the inns of court. We have, I the coach-box: the fellow, staring at him, think, about a dozen coachmen, who have desired to know if he should not drive until chambers here in the Temple; and, as it is they were out of town. No, no, replied he. reasonable to believe others will follow He was then going to climb up to him, but their example, we may perhaps in time (if received another check, and was then orit shall be thought convenient) be drove to dered to get into the coach, or behind it, Westminster by our own fraternity, allow for that he wanted no instructors; “ But be ing every fifth person to apply his medita- sure, you dog you,” says he,“ do not bilk tions this way, which is but a modest com The fellow thereupon surrendered putation, as the humour is now likely to his whip, scratched his head, and crept take. It is to be hoped, likewise, that there into the coach. Having myself occasion to are in the other nurseries of the law to be go into the Strand about the same time, we found a proportionable number of these started both together; but the street being hopeful plants, springing up to the ever- very full of coaches, and he not so able à lasting renown of their native country. Of coachman as perhaps he imagined himself, how long standing this humour has been, I I had soon got a little way before him; know not. The first time I had any par- often, however, having the curiosity to cast ticular reason to take notice of it was about my eye back upon him, to observe how he this time twelvemonth, when, being upon behaved himself in this high station; which Hampstead-heath with some of these studi- he did with great com posure, until he came ous young men, who went thither purely for to the pass, which is a military term the the sake of contemplation, nothing would brothers of the whip have given to the serve them but I must go through a course of strait at St. Clement's church. When he this philosophy too; and, being ever willing was arrived near this place, where are alto embellish myself with any commendable ways coaches in waiting, the coachmen qualification, it was not long ere they per- began to suck up the muscles of their suaded me into the coachbox; nor indeed cheeks, and to tip, the wink upon each much longer, before I underwent the fate other, as if they had some roguery in their of my brother Phaeton; for, having drove heads, which I was immediately convinced about fifty paces with pretty good success, of; for he no sooner came within reach, but through my own natural sagacity, together the first of them with his whip took the with the good instructions of my tutors, exact dimension of his shoulders, which he who to give them their due, were on all very ingeniously called endorsing: and inhands encouraging and assisting me in this deed, I must say, that every one of them laudable undertaking: I say, sir, having took due care to endorse him as he came drove above fifty paces with pretty good through their hands. He seemed at first a success, I must needs be exercising the little uneasy under the operation, and was lash; which the horses resented so ill from going in all haste to take the numbers of my hands, that they gave a sudden start, their coaches; but at length, by the mediaand thereby pitched me directly upon my tion of the worthy gentleman in the coach, head, as I very well remembered about his wrath was assuaged, and he prevailed half an hour afterwards; which not only upon to pursue his journey; though indeed deprived me of all the knowledge I had I thought they had clapped such a spoke in gained for fifty yards before, but had like his wheel, as had disabled him from being to have broke my neck into the bargain. a coachman for that day at least: for I am After such a severe reprimand, you may only mistaken, Mr. Spec, if some of these imagine I was not very easily prevailed endorsements were not wrote with so strong with to make a second attempt; and indeed, a hand that they are still legible. Upon my upon mature deliberation, the whole science inquiring the reason of this unusual saluta

tion, they told me, that it was a custom away many of their effects, granted them

among them, whenever they saw a brother their petition: when the women, to his great #tottering or unstable in his post, to lend surprise, came out of the place with every

him a hand, in order to settle him again one her husband upon her back. The emtherein. For my part, I thought their al- peror was so moved at the sight, that he legations but reasonable, and so marched burst into tears; and, after having very off

. Besides our coachmen, we abound in much extolled the women for their conjudivers other sorts of ingenious robust youth, gal affection, gave the men to their wives, who, I hope, will not take it ill if I' defer and received the duke into his favour. giving you an account of their several re • The ladies did not a little triumph at creations to another opportunity. In the this story, asking us at the same time, mean time, if you would but bestow a little whether in our consciences we believed of your wholesome advice upon our coach-that the men in any town in Great Britain

men, it might perhaps be a reprieve to would, upon the same offer, and at the 1 some of their necks. As I understand you same conjuncture, have loaden themselves I have several inspectors under you, if you with their wives; or rather, whether they

would but send one amongst us here in the would not have been glad of such an oppor- Temple, I am persuaded he would not | tunity to get rid of them? To this my very , want employment. But I leave this to your good friend, Tom Dapperwit, who took

own consideration, and am, sir, your hum- upon him to be the mouth of our sex, replied, ble servant,

that they would be very much to blame if •MOSES GREENBAG. they would not do the same good office for •P. S. I have heard our critics in the would be greater, and their burdens lighter.

the women, considering that their strength coffee-house hereabout talk mightily of the As we were amusing ourselves with disunity of time and place. According to my courses of this nature, in order to pass away notion of the matter, I have endeavoured the evening, which now begins to grow teat something like it in the beginning of my dious, we fell into that laudable and primiepistle. I desire to be informed a little as tive diversion of questions and commands. to that particular. In my next I design to I was no sooner vested with the regal augive you some account of excellent water- thority, but I enjoined all the ladies, under men, who are bred to the law, and far outdo the land students above-mentioned.' ingeniously, in case they had been at the

pain of my displeasure, to tell the company T.

siege above-mentioned, and had the same offers made them as the good women of

that place, what every one of them would No. 499.) Thursday, October 2, 1712. have brought off with her, and have thought

most worth the saving? There were seveNaribus indulges-

ral merry answers made to my question,

which entertained us until bed-time. This You drive the jest too far.-Dryden.

filled my mind with such a huddle of ideas, My friend Will Honeycomb has told me, that, upon my going to sleep, I fell into the for about this half year, that he had a great following dream: mind to try his hand at a Spectator, and I saw a town of this island, which shall that he would fain have one of his writing be nameless, invested on every side, and

in my works. This morning I received the the inhabitants of it so strained as to cry 1 following letter, which, after having recti- for quarter. The general refused any other

fied some little orthographical mistakes, I terms than those granted to the aboveshall make a present of to the public.

mentioned town of Hensburg, namely, that

the married women might come out with • DEAR SPEC,- I was about two nights what they could bring along with them. ago in company with very agreeable young Immediately the city gates flew open, and people of both sexes, where, talking of some a female procession appeared, multitudes of your papers which are written on conju- of the sex followed one another in a row, gal love, there arose a dispute among us, and staggering under their respective burwhether there were not more bad husbands dens. I took my stand upon an eminence in the world than bad wives. A gentleman, in the enemy's camp, which was appointed who was advocate for the ladies, took this for the general rendezvous of these female occasion to tell us the story of a famous carriers, being very desirous to look into siege in Germany, which I have since found their several ladings. The first of them related in my historical dictionary, after had a huge sack upon her shoulders, which the following manner. When the emperor she set down with great care. Upon the Conrade the Third had besieged Guelphus, opening of it, when I expected to have seen duke of Bavaria, in the city of Hensburg, her husband shot out of it, I found it was the women, finding that the town could not filled with china-ware. The next appeared possibly hold out long, petitioned the em- in a more decent figure, carrying a handperor that they might depart out of it, with some young fellow upon her back: I could so much as each of them could carry. The not forbear commending the young woman emperor, knowing they could not convey for her conjugal affection, when, to my VOL. II.


Nimis uncis

Pers. Sat. i. 40.

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great surprise, I found that she had left the raillery on marriage, and one who has often good man at home, and brought away her tried his fortune that way without success. gallant. I saw the third, at some distance, I cannot however dismiss this letter, withwith a little withered face peeping over her out observing, that the true story on which shoulder, whom I could not suspect for any it is built does honour to the sex, and that, but her spouse, until upon her setting him in order to abuse them, the writer is obliged down I heard her call him dear pug, and to have recourse to dream and fiction. found him to be her favourite monkey. A

0. fourth brought a huge bale of cards along with her, and the fifth a Bologna lap-dog; for her husband, it seems, being a very No. 500.] Friday, October 3, 1712. burly man, she thought it would be less trouble for her to bring away little Cupid.

Huc natas adjice septem, The next was the wife of a rich usurer, Et todidem juvenes; et mox generosque nurusque: loaden with a bag of gold; she told us that

Quærite nunc, habeat quam nostra superbia causam,

Ovid Met. Lib. vi. 182. her spouse was very old, and by the course

Seven are my daughters, of a form divine, of nature could not expect to live long;

With seven fair sons, an indefective line. and that to show her tender regards for Go, fools, consider this, and ask the cause him, she had saved that which the poor

From which my pride its strong presumption draws.

Croral. man loved better than his life. The next came towards us with her son upon her “SIR,--You, who are so well acquainted back, who, we were told, was the greatest with the story of Socrates, must have read rake in the place, but so much the mother's how, upon his making a discourse concerndarling, that she left her husband behind ing love, he pressed his point with so much with a large family of hopeful sons and success, that all the bachelors in his audaughters, for the sake of this graceless dience took a resolution to marry by the youth.

first opportunity, and that all the married It would be endless to mention the seve men immediately took horse and galloped ral persons, with their several loads, that home to their wives. I am apt to think your appeared to me in this strange vision. All discourses, in which you have drawn so the place about me was covered with packs many agreeable pictures of marriage, have of ribands, brocades, embroidery, and ten had a very good effect this way in England. thousand other materials, sufficient to have We are obliged to you, at least, for having i furnished a whole street of toy-shops. One taken off that senseless ridicule, which for of the women, having a husband, who was many years the witlings of the town have none of the heaviest, was bringing him off turned upon their fathers and mothers. For upon her shoulders, at the same time that my own part, I was born in wedlock, and she carried a great bundle of Flanders lace I do not care who knows it; for which reaunder her arm; but finding herself so over- son, among many others, I should look upon loaden, that she could not save both of myself as a most insufferable coxcomb, did them, she dropped the good man, and I endeavour to maintain that cuckoldom brought away the bundle. In short, I found was inseparable from marriage, or to make but one husband among this great moun

use of husband and wife as terms of retain of baggage, who was a lively cobbler, proach. Nay, sir, I will go one step farthat kicked and spurred all the while his ther, and declare to you, before the whole wife was carrying him on, and, as it was world, that I am a married man, and at said, he had scarce passed a day in his life the same time I have so much assurance as without giving her the discipline of the not to be ashamed of what I have done. strap.

*Among the several pleasures that acI cannot conclude my letter, dear Spec, company this state of life, in which you without telling thee one very odd whim in have described in your former papers, this my dream. I saw, methought, a dozen there are two you have not taken notice of, women employed in bringing off one man; and which are seldom cast into the account I could not guess who it should be, until by those who write on this subject. You upon his nearer approach I discovered thy must have observed, in your speculations short phiz. The women all declared that on human nature, that nothing is more it was for the sake of thy works, and not gratifying to the mind of man than power thy person, that they brought thee off, and or dommion; and this I think myself amply that it was on condition that thou shouldst possessed of, as I am the father of a family. continue the Spectator. If thou thinkest I am perpetually taken up in giving out this dream will make a tolerable one, it orders, in prescribing duties, in hearing is at thy service, from, dear Spec, thine, parties, in administering justice, and in dissleeping and waking,

tributing rewards and punishments. To WILL HONEYCOMB.' speak in the language of the centurion, I

say unto one, Go, and he goeth; and to anThe ladies will see by this letter what I other, Come, and he cometh; and to my have often told them, that Will is one of servant, Do this, and he doeth it. In short, those old-fashioned men of wit and plea- sir, I look upon my family as a patriarchal sure of the town, that shows his parts by sovereignty, in which I am myself both

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