ill conduct in this kind. The young man did not want natural talents; but the father of him was a coxcomb, who affected being a fine gentleman so unmercifully, that he could not endure in his sight, or the frequent mention of one, who was his son, growing into manhood, and thrusting him all her nice airs and her crooked legs. Pray be sure to put her in for both those two things, and you will oblige every body here, especially, your humble servant, ALICE BLUEGARTER.' Ουτός εστι γω λεωτης γερων. Menander. A cunning old fox this! out of the gay world. I have often thought No. 497.] Tuesday, September 30, 1712. the father took a secret pleasure in reflecting that, when that fine house and seat came into the next hands, it would revive his memory, as a person who knew how to A FAVOUR well bestowed is almost as enjoy them, from observation of the rusti- great an honour to him who confers it as to city and ignorance of his successor. Cer-him who receives it. What indeed makes tain it is, that a man may, if he will, let his heart close to the having no regard to any thing but his dear self, even with exclusion of his very children. I recommend this subject to your consideration, and am, sir, your most humble servant, T. B.' 'London, Sept. 26, 1712. MR. SPECTATOR,-I am just come from Tunbridge, and have since my return read Mrs. Matilda Mohair's letter to you. She pretends to make a mighty story about the diversions of swinging in that place. What was done was only among relations; and no man swung any woman who was not second cousin at farthest. She is pleased to say, care was taken that the gallants tied the ladies' legs before they were wafted into the air. Since she is so spiteful, I will tell you the plain truth.-There was no such nicety observed, since we were all, as I just now told you, near relations; but Mrs. Mohair herself has been swung there, and she invents all this malice, because it was observed she had crooked legs, of which I was an eye witness. Your humble servant, 'RACHEL SHOESTRING.' "Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712. 'MR. SPECTATOR,-We have just now read your paper, containing Mrs. Mohair's letter. It is an invention of her own from one end to the other; and I desire you would print the enclosed letter by itself, and shorten it so as to come within the compass of your half sheet. She is the most malicious minx in the world, for all she looks so innocent. Do not leave out that part about her being in love with her father's butler, which makes her shun men; for that is the truest of it all. Your humble servant, SARAH TRICE. 'P. S. She has crooked legs.' "Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712. 'MR. SPECTATOR, All that Mrs. Mohair is so vexed at against the good company of this place is, that we all know she has crooked legs. This is certainly true. I do not care for putting my name, because one would not be in the power of the crea ture. Your humble servant, unknown.' "Tunbridge, Sept. 26, 1712. 'MR. SPECTATOR, That insufferable prude, Mrs. Mohair, who has told such stories of the company here, is with child, for for the superior reputation of the patron in this case is, that he is always surrounded with specious pretences of unworthy candidates, and is often alone in the kind inclination he has towards the well deserving. Justice is the first quality in the man who is in a post of direction; and I remember to have heard an old gentleman talk of the civil wars, and in his relation give an account of a general officer, who with this one quality, without any shining endowments, became so popularly beloved and honoured, that all decisions between man and man were laid before him by the parties concerned, in a private way; and they would lay by their animosities implicitly, if he bid them be friends, or submit themselves in the wrong without reluctance, if he said it, without waiting the judgment of courts-martial. His manner was to keep the dates of all commissions in his closet, and wholly dismiss from the service such who were deficient in their duty; and after that took care to prefer according to the order of battle. His familiars were his entire friends, and could have no interested views in courting his acquaintance; for his affection was no step to their preferment, though it was to their reputation. By this means a kind aspect, a salutation, a smile, and giving out his hand, had the weight of what is esteemed by vulgar minds more substantial. His business was very short, and he who had nothing to do but justice was never affronted with a request of a familiar daily visitant for what was due to a brave man at a distance. Extraordinary merit he used to recommend to the king for some distinction at home; till the order of battle made way for his rising in the troops. Add to this, that he had an excellent way of getting rid of such who he observed were good at a halt, as his phrase Under this description he comprehended all those who were contented to live without reproach, and had no promptitude in their minds towards glory. These fellows were also recommended to the king, and taken off the general's hands into posts wherein diligence and common honesty were all that were necessary. This general had no weak part in his line, but every man had as much care upon him, and as much honour to lose as himself. Every officer could answer for what passed was. where he was; and the general's presence | himself and servants, that the whole court was never necessary any where, but where were in an emulation who should first introhe had placed himself at the first disposi- duce him to his holiness. What added to tion, except that accident happened from the expectation his holiness had of the extraordinary efforts of the enemy which pleasure he should have in his follies, was, he could not foresee; but it was remarkable that this fellow, in a dress the most exquithat it never fell out from failure in his own sitely ridiculous, desired he might speak to troops. It must be confessed the world is him alone, for he had matters of the highest just so much out of order, as an unworthy importance, upon which he wanted a conperson possesses what should be in the di- ference. Nothing could be denied to a coxrection of him who has better pretensions comb of so great hope; but when they were to it. apart, the impostor revealed himself, and spoke as follows: Instead of such a conduct as this old fellow used to describe in his general, all the evils which have ever happened among 'Do not be surprised, most holy father, gmankind have arose from the wanton dis- at seeing, instead of a coxcomb to laugh at, position of the favours of the powerful. It your old friend, who has taken this way of is generally all that men of modesty and access to admonish you of your own folly. virtue can do, to fall in with some whimsi- Can any thing show your holiness how uncal turn in a great man, to make way for worthy you treat mankind, more than my things of real and absolute service. In the being put upon this difficulty to speak with time of Don Sebastian of Portugal, or some you? It is a degree of folly to delight to see time since, the first minister would let noit in others, and it is the greatest insolence thing come near him but what bore the imaginable to rejoice in the disgrace of humost profound face of wisdom and gravity. man nature. It is a criminal humility in a They carried it so far, that, for the greater person of your holiness's understanding, to show of their profound knowledge, a pair believe you cannot excel but in the conversation of half-wits, humourists, coxof spectacles tied on their noses with a black_riband round their heads, was what combs, and buffoons. If your holiness has completed the dress of those who made a mind to be diverted like a rational man, their court at his levee, and none with you have a great opportunity for it, in disnaked noses were admitted to his presence.voured, of all their riches and trappings at robing all the impertinents you have faA blunt honest fellow, who had a command in the train of artillery, had attempted to make an impression upon the porter, day after day in vain, until at length he made his appearance in a very thoughtful dark suit of clothes, and two pair of spectacles on at once. He was conducted from room to room, with great deference, to the minister; and, carrying on the farce of the place, he told his excellency that he had pretended in this manner to be wiser than he really was, but with no ill intention: but he was honest Such-a-one of the train, and he came to tell him that they wanted wheelbarrows and pick-axes. The thing happened not to displease, the great man was seen to smile, and the successful officer was re-conducted with the same profound ceremony out of the house. once, and bestowing them on the humble, the virtuous, and the meek. If your holiness is not concerned for the sake of virtue and religion, be pleased to reflect, that for the sake of your own safety it is not proper to be so very much in jest. When the pope is thus merry, the people will in time begin to think many things, which they have hitherto beheld with great veneration, are in themselves objects of scorn and derision. If they once get a trick of knowing how to laugh, your holiness's saying this sentence in one night cap, and the other with the other, the change of your slippers, bringing you your staff in the midst of a prayer, then stripping you of one vest, and clapping on a second during divine service, will be found out to have nothing in it. Consider, sir, that at this rate a head will be reckoned never the wiser for being bald, and the ignorant will be apt to say, that going bare-foot does not at all help on the way to heaven. The red cap and the cowl will fall under the same contempt; and the vulgar will tell us to our faces, that we shall have no authority over them but from the force of our arguments and the sanctity of our lives.' When Leo X. reigned pope of Rome, his holiness, though a man of sense, and of an excellent taste of letters, of all things affected fools, buffoons, humourists, and coxcombs. Whether it were from vanity, and that he enjoyed no talents in other men but what were inferior to him, or whatever it was, he carried it so far, that his whole delight was in finding out new fools, and as our phrase is, playing them off, and making them show themselves to advantage. A priest of his former acquaintance, suffered No. 498.] Wednesday, October 1, 1712. a great many disappointments in attempting to find access to him in a regular character, until at last in despair he retired from Rome, and returned in an equipage so very fantastical, both as to the dress of T. -Frustra retinacula tendens, Nor reins, nor curbs, nor cries the horses fear, To the Spectator-General of Great Britain. | seemed, at least to me, to be surrounded From the farther end of the Widow's Coffee-house in Devereux-court. Monday evening, twenty. with so many difficulties, that, notwithstanding the unknown advantages which might have accrued to me thereby, I gave over all hopes of attaining it; and I believe had never thought of it more, but that my memory has been lately refreshed by seeing some of these ingenious gentlemen ply in the open streets, one of which I saw receive so suitable a reward to his labours, that though I know you are no friend of story-telling, yet I must beg leave to trou eight minutes and a half past six. 'DEAR DUMB,-In short, to use no farther preface, if I should tell you that I have seen a hackney-coachman, when he has come to set down his fare, which has consisted of two or three very fine ladies, hand them out, and salute every one of them with an air of familiarity, without giving the least offence, you would perhaps think me guilty of a gasconade. But to clear my-ble you with this at large. self from that imputation, and to explain About a fortnight since, as I was divertthis matter to you, I assure you that there ing myself with a pennyworth of walnuts at are many illustrious youths within this city, the Temple gate, a lively young fellow in who frequently recreate themselves by a fustian jacket shot by me, beckoned a driving of a hackney-coach: but those coach, and told the coachman he wanted to whom, above all others, I would recom- go as far as Chelsea. They agreed upon mend to you, are the young gentlemen be- the price, and this young gentleman mounts longing to the inns of court. We have, I the coach-box: the fellow, staring at him, think, about a dozen coachmen, who have desired to know if he should not drive until chambers here in the Temple; and, as it is they were out of town. No, no, replied he. reasonable to believe others will follow He was then going to climb up to him, but their example, we may perhaps in time (if received another check, and was then orit shall be thought convenient) be drove to dered to get into the coach, or behind it, Westminster by our own fraternity, allow- for that he wanted no instructors; "But be ing every fifth person to apply his medita- sure, you dog you,” says he, “do not bilk tions this way, which is but a modest com- me. The fellow thereupon surrendered putation, as the humour is now likely to his whip, scratched his head, and crept take. It is to be hoped, likewise, that there into the coach. Having myself occasion to are in the other nurseries of the law to be go into the Strand about the same time, we found a proportionable number of these started both together; but the street being hopeful plants, springing up to the ever- very full of coaches, and he not so able a lasting renown of their native country. Of coachman as perhaps he imagined himself, how long standing this humour has been, II had soon got a little way before him; know not. The first time I had any particular reason to take notice of it was about this time twelvemonth, when, being upon Hampstead-heath with some of these studious young men, who went thither purely for the sake of contemplation, nothing would serve them but I must go through a course of this philosophy too; and, being ever willing to embellish myself with any commendable qualification, it was not long ere they persuaded me into the coachbox; nor indeed much longer, before I underwent the fate of my brother Phaeton; for, having drove about fifty paces with pretty good success, through my own natural sagacity, together with the good instructions of my tutors, who to give them their due, were on all hands encouraging and assisting me in this laudable undertaking: I say, sir, having drove above fifty paces with pretty good success, I must needs be exercising the lash; which the horses resented so ill from my hands, that they gave a sudden start, and thereby pitched me directly upon my head, as I very well remembered about half an hour afterwards; which not only deprived me of all the knowledge I had gained for fifty yards before, but had like to have broke my neck into the bargain. After such a severe reprimand, you may imagine I was not very easily prevailed with to make a second attempt; and indeed, upon mature deliberation, the whole science often, however, having the curiosity to cast my eye back upon him, to observe how he behaved himself in this high station; which he did with great composure, until he came to the pass, which is a military term the brothers of the whip have given to the strait at St. Clement's church. When he was arrived near this place, where are always coaches in waiting, the coachmen began to suck up the muscles of their cheeks, and to tip the wink upon each other, as if they had some roguery in their heads, which I was immediately convinced of; for he no sooner came within reach, but the first of them with his whip took the exact dimension of his shoulders, which he very ingeniously called endorsing: and indeed, I must say, that every one of them took due care to endorse him as he came through their hands. He seemed at first a little uneasy under the operation, and was going in all haste to take the numbers of their coaches; but at length, by the mediation of the worthy gentleman in the coach, his wrath was assuaged, and he prevailed upon to pursue his journey; though indeed I thought they had clapped such a spoke in his wheel, as had disabled him from being a coachman for that day at least: for I am only mistaken, Mr. Spec, if some of these endorsements were not wrote with so strong a hand that they are still legible. Upon my inquiring the reason of this unusual saluta burst into tears; and, after having very much extolled the women for their conjugal affection, gave the men to their wives, and received the duke into his favour. tion, they told me, that it was a custom away many of their effects, granted them among them, whenever they saw a brother their petition: when the women, to his great tottering or unstable in his post, to lend surprise, came out of the place with every him a hand, in order to settle him again one her husband upon her back. The emtherein. For my part, I thought their al-peror was so moved at the sight, that he legations but reasonable, and so marched off. Besides our coachmen, we abound in divers other sorts of ingenious robust youth, who, I hope, will not take it ill if I defer giving you an account of their several recreations to another opportunity. In the mean time, if you would but bestow a little of your wholesome advice upon our coachmen, it might perhaps be a reprieve to some of their necks. As I understand you have several inspectors under you, if you would but send one amongst us here in the Temple, I am persuaded he would not want employment. But I leave this to your own consideration, and am, sir, your hum-upon him to be the mouth of our sex, replied, ble servant, MOSES GREENBAG. The ladies did not a little triumph at this story, asking us at the same time, whether in our consciences we believed that the men in any town in Great Britain would, upon the same offer, and at the same conjuncture, have loaden themselves with their wives; or rather, whether they would not have been glad of such an opportunity to get rid of them? To this my very good friend, Tom Dapperwit, who took that they would be very much to blame if they would not do the same good office for 'P. S. I have heard our critics in the would be greater, and their burdens lighter. the women, considering that their strength coffee-house hereabout talk mightily of the As we were amusing ourselves with disunity of time and place. According to my courses of this nature, in order to pass away notion of the matter, I have endeavoured the evening, which now begins to grow teat something like it in the beginning of my dicus, we fell into that laudable and primiepistle. I desire to be informed a little as tive diversion of questions and commands. to that particular. In my next I design to I was no sooner vested with the regal augive you some account of excellent water-thority, but I enjoined all the ladies, under men, who are bred to the law, and far pain of my displeasure, to tell the company outdo the land students above-mentioned.' ingeniously, in case they had been at the T. Pers. Sat. i. 40. -You drive the jest too far.-Dryden. My friend Will Honeycomb has told me, for about this half year, that he had a great mind to try his hand at a Spectator, and that he would fain have one of his writing in my works. This morning I received the following letter, which, after having rectified some little orthographical mistakes, I shall make a present of to the public. siege above-mentioned, and had the same offers made them as the good women of that place, what every one of them would have brought off with her, and have thought most worth the saving? There were several merry answers made to my question, which entertained us until bed-time. This filled my mind with such a huddle of ideas, that, upon my going to sleep, I fell into the following dream: I saw a town of this island, which shall be nameless, invested on every side, and the inhabitants of it so strained as to cry for quarter. The general refused any other terms than those granted to the abovementioned town of Hensburg, namely, that the married women might come out with DEAR SPEC, I was about two nights what they could bring along with them. ago in company with very agreeable young Immediately the city gates flew open, and people of both sexes, where, talking of some a female procession appeared, multitudes of your papers which are written on conju- of the sex followed one another in a row, gal love, there arose a dispute among us, and staggering under their respective burwhether there were not more bad husbands dens. I took my stand upon an eminence in the world than bad wives. A gentleman, in the enemy's camp, which was appointed who was advocate for the ladies, took this for the general rendezvous of these female occasion to tell us the story of a famous carriers, being very desirous to look into siege in Germany, which I have since found their several ladings. The first of them related in my historical dictionary, after had a huge sack upon her shoulders, which the following manner. When the emperor she set down with great care. Upon the Conrade the Third had besieged Guelphus, opening of it, when I expected to have seen duke of Bavaria, in the city of Hensburg, her husband shot out of it, I found it was the women, finding that the town could not filled with china-ware. The next appeared possibly hold out long, petitioned the em- in a more decent figure, carrying a handperor that they might depart out of it, with some young fellow upon her back: I could so much as each of them could carry. The not forbear commending the young woman emperor, knowing they could not convey for her conjugal affection, when, to my VOL. II. 33 raillery on marriage, and one who has often -Huc natas adjice septem, great surprise, I found that she had left the | 'It would be endless to mention the several persons, with their several loads, that appeared to me in this strange vision. All the place about me was covered with packs of ribands, brocades, embroidery, and ten thousand other materials, sufficient to have furnished a whole street of toy-shops. One of the women, having a husband, who was none of the heaviest, was bringing him off upon her shoulders, at the same time that she carried a great bundle of Flanders lace under her arm; but finding herself so overloaden, that she could not save both of them, she dropped the good man, and brought away the bundle. In short, I found but one husband among this great mountain of baggage, who was a lively cobbler, that kicked and spurred all the while his wife was carrying him on, and, as it was said, he had scarce passed a day in his life without giving her the discipline of the strap. I cannot conclude my letter, dear Spec, without telling thee one very odd whim in this my dream. I saw, methought, a dozen women employed in bringing off one man; I could not guess who it should be, until upon his nearer approach I discovered thy short phiz. The women all declared that it was for the sake of thy works, and not thy person, that they brought thee off, and that it was on condition that thou shouldst continue the Spectator. If thou thinkest this dream will make a tolerable one, it is at thy service, from, dear Spec, thine, sleeping and waking, 'WILL HONEYCOMB,’ The ladies will see by this letter what I have often told them, that Will is one of those old-fashioned men of wit and pleasure of the town, that shows his parts by Et todidem juvenes; et mox generosque nurusque: Seven are my daughters, of a form divine, 'SIR,--You, who are so well acquainted with the story of Socrates, must have read how, upon his making a discourse concerning love, he pressed his point with so much success, that all the bachelors in his audience took a resolution to marry by the first opportunity, and that all the married men immediately took horse and galloped home to their wives. I am apt to think your discourses, in which you have drawn so many agreeable pictures of marriage, have had a very good effect this way in England. We are obliged to you, at least, for having taken off that senseless ridicule, which for many years the witlings of the town have turned upon their fathers and mothers. For my own part, I was born in wedlock, and I do not care who knows it; for which reason, among many others, I should look upon myself as a most insufferable coxcomb, did I endeavour to maintain that cuckoldom was inseparable from marriage, or to make use of husband and wife as terms of reproach. Nay, sir, I will go one step farther, and declare to you, before the whole world, that I am a married man, and at the same time I have so much assurance as not to be ashamed of what I have done. 'Among the several pleasures that accompany this state of life, in which you have described in your former papers, there are two you have not taken notice of, and which are seldom cast into the account by those who write on this subject. You must have observed, in your speculations on human nature, that nothing is more gratifying to the mind of man than power or dommion; and this I think myself amply possessed of, as I am the father of a family. I am perpetually taken up in giving out orders, in prescribing duties, in hearing parties, in administering justice, and in distributing rewards and punishments. speak in the language of the centurion, I say unto one, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it. In short, sir, I look upon my family as a patriarchal sovereignty, in which I am myself both To |