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for the Pictish damsel, we have an easy face betwixt them; and this my worthy chair prepared at the upper end of the predecessor, Mr. Sergeant Chin, always table; which we doubt not but she will maintained to be no more than the true grace with a very hideous aspect, and oval proportion between man and wife. much better become the seat in the native But as this may be a new thing to you, who and unaffected uncomeliness of her person, have hitherto had no expectations from than with all the superficial airs of the women, I shall allow you what time you pencil, which (as you have very ingeniously think fit to consider on it; not without some observed) vanish with a breath, and the hope of seeing at last your thoughts heremost innocent adorer may deface the shrine upon subjoined to mine, and which is an with a salutation, and in the literal sense of honour much desired by, sir, your assured our poets, snatch and imprint his balmy friend, and most humble servant, kisses, and devour her melting lips. In
HUGH GOBLIN, Præses.' short, the only faces of the Pictish kind that will endure the weather, must be of
The following letter has not much in it, Dr. Carbuncle's die; though his, in truth, but as it is written in my own praise, I canhas cost him a world the painting; but not from my heart suppress it! then he boasts with Zeuxes, in æternitatem 'SIR,—You proposed in your Spectator pingo; and oft jocosely tells the fair ones, of last Tuesday, Mr. Hobbs's hypothesis would they acquire colours that would stand for solving that very odd phænomenon of kissing, they must no longer paint, but drink laughter. You have made the hypothesis for a complexion: a maxim that in this our valuable by espousing it yourself; for had age has been pursued with no ill success; and it continued Mr. Hobbs's, nobody would has been as admirable in its effects, as the have minded it. Now here this perplexed famous cosmetic mentioned in the Postman, case arises. A certain company laughed and invented by the renowned British Hip- very heartily upon the reading of that very pocrates of the pestle and mortar; making paper of yours; and the truth of it is, he the party, after a due course, rosy, hale, must be a man of more than ordinary and airy; and the best and most approved constancy that could stand out against so receipt now extant, for the fever of the much comedy, and not do as we did. Now spirits. But to return to our female candi- there are few men in the world so far lost date, who, I understand is returned to her- to all good sense, as to look upon you to be self, and will no longer hang out false a man in a state of folly “inferior to himcolours; as she is the first of her sex that self.”—Pray then how do you justify your has done us so great an honour, she will hypothesis of laughter? certainly in a very short time, both in prose • Your most humble,
Q. R.' and verse, be a lady of the most celebrated Thursday, the 26th of the month of fools. deformity now living, and meet with many SIR, -In answer to your letter, I must admirers here as frightful as herself. But desire you to recollect yourself; and you being a long-headed gentlewoman, I am will find that when you did me the honour apt to imagine
she has some further design to be so merry over my paper, you laughed than you have yet penetrated; and perhaps at the idiot, the German courtier, the gaper, has more mind to the Spectator than any the merry-andrew, the haberdasher, the of his fraternity, as the person of all the biter, the butt, and not at world she could like for a paramour. And • Your humble servant, if so, really I cannot but applaud her choice, R.
•THE SPECTATOR.' and should be glad, if it might lie in my power, to effect an amicable accommodation betwixt two faces of such different extremes, as the only possible expedient to No. 53.] Tuesday, May 1, 1711. mend the breed, and rectify the physiog
-Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus, nomy of the family on both sides. And again, as she is a lady of a very fluent elo Homer himself hath been observ'd to nod. cution, you need not fear that your first child will be born dumb, which otherwise you might have reason to be apprehensive that I cannot avoid frequently inserting
My correspondents grow so numerous, of. To be plain with you, I can see now their applications to me. thing shocking in it; for though she has not a face like a john-apple, yet as a late friend • Mr. SPECTATOR,-I am glad I can in of mine, who at sixty-five ventured on a form you, that your endeavours to adorn lass of fifteen, very frequently in the re- that sex, which is the fairest part of the maining five years of his life gave me to visible creation, are well received, and liko understand, that as old as he then seemed, to prove not unsuccessful. The triumph when they were first married he and his of Daphne over her sister Lætitia has spouse could make but fourscore; so may been the subject of conversation at several madam Hecatissa very justly allege here-tea-tables where I have been present; and after, that as long-visaged as she may then I have observed the fair circle not a little be thought, upon their wedding-day Mr. pleased to find you considering them as Spectator and she had but half an ell of reasonable creatures, and endeavouring to
Hor. Ars Poet. ver. 359.
banish that Mahometan custom, which had the rules of honour and prudence; and too much prevailed even in this island, of have thought it an observation not ill-made, treating women as if they had no souls. that where that was wholly denied, the I must do them the justice to say, that there women lost their wit, and the men their seems to be nothing wanting to the finish- good manners. It is, sure, from those iming of these lovely pieces of human nature, proper liberties you mentioned, that a sort besides the turning and applying their am- of undistinguishing people shall banish bition properly, and the keeping them up from their drawing-rooms the best-bred to a sense of what is their true merit. men in the world, and condemn those that Epictetus, that plain, honest philosopher, do not. Your stating this point might, I as little as he had of gallantry, appears to think, be of good use, as well as much have understood them, as well as the po- oblige, sir, your admirer and most humble lite St. Evremont, and has hit this point servant,
ANNA BELLA.' very luckily. When young women,' says he,' arrive at a certain age, they hear
No answer to this, till Anna Bella sends themselves called Mistresses, and are
a description of those she calls the bestmade to believe that their only business is
bred men in the world. to please the men; they immediately begin “MR. SpectaTOR,-I am a gentleman to dress, and place all their hopes in the who for many years last past have been adorning of their persons; it is therefore,' well known to be truly splenetic, and that continues he, worth the while to endea- my spleen arises from having contracted so vour by all means to make them sensible great a delicacy, by reading the best authat the honour paid to them is only upon thors, and keeping the most refined comaccount of their conducting themselves pany, that I cannot bear the least improwith virtue, modesty, and discretion.'
priety of language, or rusticity of behaviour. Now, to pursue the matter yet further, Now, sir, I have ever looked upon this as and to render your cares for the improve- a wise distemper; but by late observations ment of the fair ones more effectual, I find, that every heavy wretch, who has nowould propose a new method, like those thing to say, excuses his dulness by comapplications which are said to convey their plaining of the spleen. Nay, I saw the virtue by sympathy; and that is, that in other day, two fellows in a tavern kitchen order to embellish the mistress, you should set up for it, call for a pint and pipes, and give a new education to the lover, and only by guzzling liquor, to each other's teach the men not to be any longer dazzled health, and by wafting smoke in each by false charms and unreal beauty. I can- other's face, pretend to throw off the not but think that if our sex knew always spleen. I appeal to you whether these how to place their esteem justly, the other dishonours are to be done to the distemper would not be so often wanting to them- of the great and the polite. I beseech you, selves in deserving it. For as the being sir, to inform these fellows that they have enamoured with a woman of sense and vir- not the spleen, because they cannot talk tue is an improvement to a man's under- without the help of a glass at their mouths, standing, and morals, and the passion is or convey their meaning to each other ennobled by the object which inspires it; without the interposition of clouds. If you so on the other side, the appearing amiable will not do this with all speed, I assure you, to a man of a wise and elegant mind, car- for my part, I will wholly quit the disease, ries in itself no small degree of merit and and for the future be mérry with the vulaccomplishment. I conclude, therefore, gar. I am, sir, your humble servant.' that one way to make the women yet more agreeable is, to make the men more vir “SIR,—This is to let you understand that tuous. I am, sir, your most humble ser- I am a reformed Starer, and conceived a vant,
R. B.' detestation for that practice from what you
have writ upon the subject. But as you
* April 26th. have been very severe upon the behaviour SIR,-Yours of Saturday last I read, of us men at divine service, I hope you will not without some resentment; but I will not be so apparently partial to the women, suppose, when you say you expect an in- as to let them go wholly unobserved. If undation of ribands and brocades, and to they do every thing that is possible to atsee many new vanities which the women tract our eyes, are we more culpable than will fall into upon a peace with France, they, for looking at them? I happened last that you intend only the unthinking part Sunday to be shut into a pew, which was of our sex; and what methods can reduce full of young ladies in the bloom of youth them to reason is hard to imagine.
and beauty. When the service began, I • But, sir, there are others yet, that had not room to kneel at the confession, your instructions might be of great use to, but as I stood kept my eyes from wanderwho, after their best endeavours, are some-ing as well as I was able, till one of the times at a loss to acquit themselves to a cen-young ladies, who is a Peeper, resolved to sorious world. I am far from thinking you bring down my looks and fix my devotion can altogether disapprove of conversation on herself. You are to know, sir, that a between ladies and gentlemen, regulated by Peeper works with her hands, eyes, and
Strenua nos exercet inertia.
fan; one of which is continually in motion, *Given at our court in Vinegar-yard, while she thinks she is not actually the ad- story the third from the earth, April 28, miration of some ogler or starer in the con- 1711.'
R. gregation. As I stood utterly at a loss how to behave myself, surrounded as I was, this Peeper so placed herself as to be No. 54.] Wednesday, May 2, 1711. kneeling just before me. She displayed the most beautiful bosom imaginable, which
Hor. Lib. 2. Ep. xi. 28 heaved and fell with some fervour, while a Laborious idleness our powers employs. delicate well-shaped arm held a fan over her face. It was not in nature to command I have received from the learned university
The following letter being the first that one's eyes from this object. I could not of Cambridge, I could not but do myself avoid taking notice also of her fan, which the honour of publishing it. It gives an achad on it various figures very improper to count of a new sect of philosophers which behold on that occasion. There lay in the has arose in that famous residence of learnbody of the piece a Venus under a purple ing; and is, perhaps, the only sect this age canopy furled with curious wreaths of drapery, half naked, attended with a train of is likely to produce. Cupids, who were busy in fanning her as
Cambridge, April 26. she slept. Behind her was drawn a satyr • MR. SPECTATOR,—Believing you to be peeping over the silken fence, and threat-an universal encourager of liberal arts and ening to break through it. I frequently sciences, and glad of any information from offered to turn my sight another way, but the learned world, I thought an account of was still detained by the fascination of the a sect of philosophers, very frequent among Peeper's eyes, who had long practised a us, but not taken notice of as far as I can skill in them, to recal the parting glances remember, by any writers, either ancient of her beholders. You see my complaint, or modern, would not be unacceptable to and I hope you will take these mischievous you. The philosophers of this sect are people, the Peepers, into your considera- | in the language of our university called tion. Í doubt not but you will think a Loungers. I am of opinion, that, as in many Peeper as much more pernicious than a other things, so likewise in this, the anStarer, as an ambuscade is more to be fear-cients have been defective; viz: in mened than an open assault. I am, Sir, your tioning no philosophers of this sort. Some most obedient servant.'
indeed will affirm that they are a kind of This Peeper using both fan and eyes, to Peripatetics, because we see them contibe considered as a Pict, and proceed ac- these gentlemen consider, that though the
nually walking about. But I would have cordingly.
ancient Peripatetics walked much, yet they •KING LATINUS to the SPECTATOR, wrote much also; witness, to the sorrow of greeting.
this sect, Aristotle and others; whereas it Though some may think we descend is notorious that most of our professors from our imperial dignity, in holding cor- never lay out a farthing either in pen, ink, respondence with a private literato; yet as or paper. Others are for deriving them we have great respect to all good inten- from Diogenes, because several of the leadtions for our service, we do not esteem iting men of the sect have a great deal of beneath us to return you our royal thanks cynical humour in them, and delight much for what you have published in our behalf, in sunshine. But then, again, Diogenes was while under confinement in the enchanted content to have his constant habitation in a castle of the Savoy, and for your mention of narrow tub, whilst our philosophers are so a subsidy for a prince in misfortune. This far from being of his opinion, that it is your timely zeal has inclined the hearts of death to them to be confined within the divers to be aiding unto us, if we could limits of a good handsome convenient champropose the means. We have taken their ber but for half an hour. Others there are good-will into consideration, and have con- who from the clearness of their heads detrived a method which will be easy to duce the pedigree of loungers from that those who shall give the aid, and not unac- great man (I think it was either Plato or ceptable to us who receive it. A concert Socrates) who, after all his study and of music shall be prepared at Haberdash- learning, professed, that all he then knew er's-hall, for Wednesday the second of was, that he knew nothing. You easily see May, and we will honour the said entertain- this is but a shallow argument, and may ment with our own presence, where each be soon confuted. person shall be assessed but at two shil • I have with great pains and industry lings and sixpence. What we expect from made my observation from time to time you is, that you publish these our royal in- upon these sages; and having now all matentions, with injunction that they be read terials ready, am compiling a treatise, at all tea-tables within the cities of London wherein I shall set forth the rise and proand Westminster; and so we bid you gress of this famous sect, together with heartily farewell.
their maxims, austerities, manner of living, "LATINUS, King of the Volscians. &c. Having prevailed with a friend who
designs shortly to publish a new edition of only the present instant, and do not taste Diogenes Laertius, to add this treatise of even that. When one of this order hapmine by way of supplement; I shall now, pens to be a man of fortune, the expense to let the world see what may be expected of his time is transferred to his coach and from me (first begging Mr. Spectator's horses, and his life is to be measured by leave that the world may see it) briefly their motion, not his own enjoyments or touch upon some of my chief observations, sufferings. The chief entertainment one and then subscribe myself your humble of these philosophers can possibly propose servant. In the first place I shall give you to himself, is to get a relish of dress. This, two or three of their maxims: the funda- methinks, might diversify the person he is mental one, upon which their whole system weary of (his own dear self) to himself. I is built, is this, viz. «That time being an have known these two amusements make implacable enemy to, and destroyer of all one of these philosophers make a very things, ought to be paid in his own coin, tolerable figure in the world; with variety and be destroyed and murdered without of dresses in public assemblies in town, mercy, by all the ways that can be invent- and quick motion of his horses out of it; ed. Another favourite saying of theirs is, now to Bath, now to Tunbridge, then to • That business was only designed for Newmarket, and then to London, he has knaves, and study for blockheads.' A in process of time brought it to pass, that third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has his coach and his horses have been mena great effect upon their lives; and is this, tioned in all those places. When the loun•That the devil is at home.' Now for their gers leave an academic life, and instead of manner of living: and here I have a large this more elegant way of appearing in the field to expatiate in; but I shall reserve polite world, retire to the seats of their anparticulars for my intended discourse, and cestors, they usually join a pack of dogs, now only mention one or two of their and employ their days in defending their principal exercises. The elder proficients poultry from foxes; I do not know any employ themselves in inspecting mores ho- other method that any of this order have minum multorum, in getting acquainted ever taken to make a noise in the world; with all the signs and windows in the town. but I shall enquire into such about this Some are arrived to so great a knowledge, town as have arrived at the dignity of being that they can tell every time any butcher loungers by the force of natural parts, kills a calf, every time an old woman's cat without having ever seen a university; and is in the straw; and a thousand other mat- send my correspondent for the embellishters as important. One ancient philosopher ment of his book, the names and history contemplates two or three hours every day of those who pass their lives without any over a sun-dial; and is true to the dial, incidents at all; and how they shift coffee
houses and chocolate-houses from hour to Although it be not shone upon."
hour, to get over the insupportable labour Our younger students are content to carry
of doing nothing.
R. their speculations as yet no farther than bowling-greens, billiard-tables, and such like places. This may serve for a sketch No. 55.] Thursday, May 3, 1711, of my design; in which I hope I shall have
-Intus et in jecore ægro your encouragement. I am, Sir, yours.'
Our passions play the tyrant in our breasts. I must be so just as to observe I have for
Most of the trades, professions, and merly seen of this sect at our other university; though not distinguished by the ap- original either from the love of pleasure or
ways of living among mankind, take their pellation which the learned historian, my the fear of want. The former, when it correspondent, reports they bear at Cam- becomes too violent, degenerates into luxubridge. They were ever looked upon as a people that impaired themselves more by ry, and the latter into avarice. As these
two principles of action draw different order, than any other students whatever. ways, Persius has given us a very humourOthers seldom hurt themselves any further roused out of his bed in order to be sent
ous account of a young fellow who was than to gain weak eyes, and sometimes headaches; but these philosophers are wards overpersuaded and kept at home
upon a long voyage, by Avarice, and afterseized all over with a general inability, in- by Luxury. I shall set down the pleadings dolence, and weariness, and a certain impa- 1 of these two imaginary persons, as they are tience of the place they are in, with a hea- in the original, with Mr. Dryden's transviness in removing to another.
lation of them: The loungers are satisfied with being merely part of the number of mankind, Mane, piger, stertis : surge, inquit Avaritia; eja
Surge. Negas, instat, surge, irquit. Non queo. Surge. without distinguishing themselves from
Et quid agam ? Rogitas ? sa perdas advehe ponto, amongst them. They may be said rather
Castoreum, stuppas, ebenum, thus, lubrica Coa. to suffer their time to pass than to spend it, Tolle recens primus piper e sitiente cainelo. without regard to the past, or prospect of
Verte aliquid; jura. Sed Jupiter audiet. Eheu!
Baro, regustatum digito terebrare salinum the future. All they know of this life is Contentus perages, si vivere cum Jove tendis.
As the dial to the sun,
Pers. Sat. v. 120.
Jam pueris pellem suocinctus, et ænophorum aptas; and prosperity. At such times men natur-
ally endeavour to outshine one another in
selves in the enjoyment of all the pleaCæna sit in transtro? Veientanumque rubellum sures they can get into their possession; Exhalet vapida læsum pice sessilis obha ?
which naturally produces avarice, and Quid petis? Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto Nutrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces ?
an immoderate pursuit after wealth and Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est riches. Quod vivis; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies. Vive memor lethi; fugit hora. Hoc quod loquor, lation of those two great principles of ac
As I was humouring myself in the specuinde est. En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo. tion, I could not forbear throwing my Hunccine, an hunc sequeris ?
Sat. v. 132. thoughts into a little kind of allegory or Whether alone or in thy harlot's lap,
fable, with which I shall here present my When thou wouldst take a lazy morning's nap; reader. Up, up, says Avarice; thou snor'st again,
There were two very powerful tyrants Stretchest thy limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain. The rugged tyrant no denial takes ;
engaged in a perpetual war against each At his command th' unwilling sluggard wakes. other, the name of the first was Luxury, What must I do? he cries; What? says his lord; and of the second Avarice. The aim of Why rise, make ready, and go straight aboard; With fish, from Euxine seas, thy vessel freight;
each of them was no less than universal Flax, castor, Coan wines, the precious weight monarchy over the hearts of mankind, Of pepper, and Sabean incense, take
Luxury had many generals under him, With thy own hands, from the tir'd camel's back, And with post-haste thy running markets make;
who did him great service, as Pleasure, Be sure to turn the penny; lie and swear ;
Mirth, Pomp, and Fashion. Avarice was 'Tis wholesome sin: but Jove, thou say'st will hear.
likewise very strong in his officers, being Swear, fool, or starve, for the dilemma's even; A tradesman thou! and hope to go to heav'n? faithfully served by Hunger, Industry,
Resolv'd for sea, the slaves thy baggage pack Care, and Watchfulness: he had likewise Each saddled with his burden on his back:
a privy-counsellor who was always at his Nothing retards thy voyage now, but he, That soft, voluptuous prince, call'd Luxury; elbow, and whispering something or other And he may ask this civil question ; Friend, in his ear: the name of this privy-counWhat dost thou make a shipboard ? To what end ? sellor was Poverty. As Avarice conArt thou of Bethlem's noble college free? Stark, staring mad, that thou would'st tempt the sea? ducted himself by the counsels of Poverty, Cubb'd in a cabin, on a matrass laid,
his antagonist was entirely guided by the On a brown George, with lousy swabbers fed; dictates and advice of Plenty, who was his Dead wine, that stinks of the Borachio, sup From a fowl jack, or greasy maple cup?
first counsellor and minister of state, that Say would'st thou bear all this, to raise thy store, concerted all his measures for him, and From six i' th' hundred to six hundred more? Indulge, and to thy genius freely give;
never departed out of his sight. While For, not to live at ease, is not to live.
these two great rivals were thus contendDeath stalks behind thee, and each flying hour ing for empire, their conquests were very Does some loose remnant of thy life devour.
various. Luxury got possession of one Live, while thou liv'st ; for death will make us all A name, a nothing but an old wife's tale.
heart, and Avarice of another. The father Speak : wilt thou Avarice or Pleasure choose of a family would often range himself unTo be thy lord ? Take one, and one refuse.'
der the banners of Avarice, and the son When a government flourishes in con- under those of Luxury. The wife and the quests, and is secure from foreign attacks, husband would often declare themselves it naturally falls into all the pleasures of on the two different parties: nay, the same luxury; and as these pleasures are very person would very often side with one in expensive, they put those who are ad- his youth, and revolt to the other in his old dicted to them upon raising fresh supplies age.
Indeed the wise men of the world of
money, by all the methods of rapacious stood neuter; but alas! their numbers were ness and corruption; so that avarice and not considerable. At length, when these luxury very often become one complicated two potentates had wearied themselves with principle of action, in those whose hearts waging war upon one another, they agreed are wholly set upon ease, magnificence, upon an interview, at which neither of and pleasure. The most elegant and cor- their counsellors were to be present. It is rect of all the Latin historians observes, said that Luxury began the parley, and afthat in his time, when the most formidable ter having represented the endless state of states of the world were subdued by the Ro- war in which they were engaged, told his mans, the republic sunk into those two vices enemy, with a frankness of heart which is of a quite different nature, luxury and ava- natural to him, that he believed they two rice:* and accordingly describes Catiline as should be very good friends were in not for one who coveted the wealth of other men, the instigations of Poverty, that pernicious at the same time that he squandered away counsellor, who made an ill use of his ear,
This observation on the com- and filled him with groundless apprehenmonwealth, when it was in its height of sions and prejudices. To this Avarice repower and riches, holds good of all go- plied, that he looked upon Plenty (the first vernments that are settled in a state of ease minister of his antagonist) to be a much
more destructive counsellor than Poverty, * Alieni appetens, sui profusus.-Sal.
for that he was perpetually suggesting