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Mr. Spectator,' applying himself to me, This debate, which was held for the good

to take care how you meddle with coun- of mankind, put me in mind of that which try squires. They are the ornaments of the Roman triumvirate were formerly enthe English nation; men of good heads and gaged in for their destruction. Every man sound bodies! and, let me tell you, some at first stood hard for his friend, till they of them take it ill of you, that you mention found that by this means they should spoil fox-hunters with so little respect.' their proscription; and at length, making

Captain Sentry spoke very sparingly on a sacrifice of all their acquaintance and rethis occasion. What he said was only to lations, furnished out a very decent execommend my prudence in not touching cution. upon the army, and advised me to continue Having thus taken my resolution to march to act discreetly in that point.

on boldly in the cause of virtue and good But by this time I found every subject of sense, and to annoy their adversaries in my speculations was taken away from me, whatever degree or rank of men they may by one or other of the club: and began to be found, I shall be deaf for the future to think myself in the condition of the good all the remonstrances that shall be made to man that had one wife who took a dislike me on this account. If Punch grows exto his grey hairs, and another to his black, travagant, I shall reprimand him very freetill by their picking out what each of them ly: if the stage becomes a nursery of folly had an aversion to, they left his head alto- and impertinence, I shall not be afraid to gether bald and naked.

animadvert upon it. In short, if I meet While I was thus musing with myself, with any thing in city, court or country, my worthy friend the clergyman, who, that shocks modesty or good manners, very luckily for me, was at the club that shall use my utmost endeavours to make night, undertook my cause. He told us, an example of it. I must, however, entreat that he wondered any order of persons every particular person who does me the should think themselves too considerable to honour to be a reader of this paper, never to be advised. That it was not quality, but think himself, or any one of his friends or innocence, which exempted men from re- enemies, aimed at in what is said; for I proof. That vice and folly ought to be at- promise him, never to draw a faulty chatacked wherever they could be met with, racter which does not fit at least a thousand and especially when they were placed in people, or to publish a single paper, that is high and conspicuous stations of life. He not written in the spirit of benevolence, and further added, that my paper would only with a love of mankind.

C. serve to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly exposed those who are already depressed, and in some measure turned into No. 35.] Tuesday, April 10, 1711. ridicule, by the meanness of their conditions and circumstances. He afterwards pro Risu inepto res ineptior nulla est. ceeded to take notice of the great use this

Nothing so foolish as the laugh of fools. paper might be of to the public, by reprehending those vices which are too trivial for Among all kinds of writing, there is none the chastisement of the law, and too fantas- in which authors are more apt to miscarry tical for the cognizance of the pulpit. He than in works of humour, as there is none then advised me to prosecute my under- in which they are more ambitious to excel. taking with cheerfulness, and assured me, It is not an imagination that teems with monthat whoever might be displeased with me, sters, a head that is filled with extravagant I should be approved by all those whose conceptions, which is capable of furnishing praises do honour to the persons on whom the world with diversions of this nature; they are bestowed.

and yet, if we look into the productions of The whole club pay a particular defer- several writers, who set up for men of ence to the discourse of this gentleman, and humour, what wild irregular fancies, what are drawn into what he says, as much by unnatural distortions of thought, do we meet the candid ingenuous manner with which with? If they speak nonsense, they believe he delivers himself, as by the strength of they are talking humour, and when they argument and force of reason which he have drawn together a scheme of absurd makes use of. Will Honeycomb imme- inconsistent ideas, they are not able to read diately agreed that what he had said was it over to themselves without laughing. right; and that, for his part, he would not These poor gentlemen endeavour to gain insist upon the quarter which he had de- themselves the reputation of wits and humanded for the ladies. Sir Andrew gave mourists, by such monstrous conceits as alup the city with the same frankness. The most qualify them for Bedlam; not consiTemplar would not stand out, and was fol- dering that humour should always lie under lowed by Sir Roger and the Captain; who the check of reason, and that it requires the all agreed that I should be at liberty to direction of the nicest judgment, by so much carry the war into what quarter I pleased; the more as it indulges itself in the most provided I continued to combat with cri- boundless freedoms. There is a kind of minals in a body, and to assault the vice nature that is to be observed in this sort of without hurting the person.

compositions, as well as in all other; and a



certain regularity of thought which must conclude him to be altogether spurious and discover the writer to be a man of sense, at a cheat. the same time that he appears altogether The impostor of whom I am speaking, given up to caprice. For my part, when I descends originally from Falsehood, who read the delirious mirth of an unskilful au- was the mother of Nonsense, who was thor, I cannot be so barbarous as to divert brought to bed of a son called Frenzy, who myself with it, but am rather apt to pity married one of the daughters of Folly, comthe man, than to laugh at any thing he monly known by the name of Laughter, on writes.

whom he begot that monstrous infant of The deceased Mr. Shadwell, who had which I have been speaking. I shall set himself a great deal of the talent which I down at length the genealogical table of am treating of, represents an empty rake, in False Humour, and, at the same time, place one of his plays, as very much surprised to under it the genealogy of True Humour, hear one say, that breaking of windows was that the reader may at one view behold not humour; and I question not but several their different pedigrees and relations: English readers will be as much startled to

Falsehood. hear me affirm, that many of those raving

Nonsense. incoherent pieces, which are often spread

Frenzy.Laughter. among us under odd chimerical titles, are

False Humour. rather the offsprings of a distempered brain than works of humour.

Truth. It is indeed much easier to describe what

Good Sense. is not humour, than what is; and very dif

Wit. Mirth. ficult to define it otherwise than as Cowley

Humour. has done wit, by negatives. Were I to give I might extend the allegory, by mentionmy own notions of it, I would deliver them ing several of the children of False Humour, after Plato's manner, in a kind of allegory, who are more in number than the sands of and by supposing Humour to be a person, the sea, and might in particular enumerate deduce to him all his qualifications, accord- the many sons and daughters which he has ing to the following genealogy. Truth was begot in this island. But as this would be the founder of the family, and the father of a very invidious task, I shall orly observe Good Sense. Good Sense was the father in general, that False Humour differs from of Wit, who married a lady of collateral the True, as a monkey does from a man. line called Mirth, by whom he had issue First of all, He is exceedingly given to Humour. Humour therefore being the little apish tricks and buffooneries. youngest of this illustrious family, and de Secondly, He so much delights in miscended from parents of such different dis- mickry, that it is all one to him whether positions, is very various and unequal in his he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and temper; sometimes you see him putting on avarice; or on the contrary, virtue and grave looks and a solemn habit, sometimes wisdom, pain and poverty: airy in his behaviour and fantastic in his Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, indress; insomuch that at different times he somuch that he will bite the hand that feeds appears as serious as a judge, and as jocu- him, and endeavour to ridicule both friends lar as a Merry-Andrew. But as he has a and foes indifferently. For having but small great deal of the mother in his constitution, talents, he must be merry where he can, whatever mood he is in, he never fails to not where he should. make his company laugh.

Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, But since there is an impostor abroad, he pursues no point, either of morality or who takes upon him the name of this young instruction, but is ludicrous only for the gentleman, and would willingly pass for sake of being so. him in the world, to the end that well Fifthly, Being incapable of any thing but meaning persons may not be imposed upon mock representations, his ridicule is alby cheats, I would desire my readers, when ways personal, and aimed at the vicious they meet with this pretender, to look into man, or the writer; not at the vice, or the his parentage, and to examine him strictly, writing. whether or no he be remotely allied to I have here only pointed at the whole Truth, and lineally descended from Good species of false humourists; but as one of Sense; if not, they may conclude him a my principal designs in this paper is to counterfeit. They may likewise distin- beat* down that malignant spirit, which guish him by a loud and excessive laughter, discovers itself in the writings of the prein which he seldom gets his company to sent age, I shall not scruple, for the future, join with him. For as True Humour ge- to single out any of the small wits, that innerally looks serious, while every body fest the world with such compositions as laughs about him; False Humour is always are ill-natured, immoral, and absurd. This laughing, whilst every body about him looks is the only exception which I shall make serious. I shall only add, if he has not in to the general rule

I have prescribed myhim a mixture of both parents, that is, if self, of attacking multitudes, since every he would pass for the offspring of Wit with honest man ought to look upon himself as out Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may l in a natural state of war with the libeller


and lampooner, and to annoy them when- opposition to the oracle of Delphos, and ever they fall in his way. This is but re- doubts not but he shall turn the fortune of taliating upon them, and treating them as Porus, when he personates him. I am de they treat others.

C. sired by the company to inform you, that

they submit to your censures, and shall

have you in greater veneration than HerNo. 36.] Wednesday, April 11, 1711.

cules was of old, if you can drive monsters

from the theatre; and think your merit -Immania monstra Virg. Æn. iii. 583. will be as much greater than his, as to con

vince is more than to conquer. I am, sir, Things the most out of nature we endure.

your most obedient servant, T D.' I SHALL not put myself to any farther pains for this day's entertainment, than “Sir,-When I acquaint you with the barely to publish the letters and titles of great and unexpected vicissitudes of my petitions from the playhouse, with the mi- fortune, I doubt not but I shall obtain your nutes I have made upon the latter for my pity and favour. I have for many years conduct in relation to them,

past been Thunderer to the playhouse; and

have not only made as much noise out of • Drury-lane, April the 9th.

the clouds as any predecessor of mine in Upon reading the project which is set the theatre that ever bore that character, forth in one of your late papers, of making but also have descended and spoke on the an alliance between all the bulls, bears, stage as the bold Thunderer in The Reelephants, and lions, which are separately hearsal.' When they got me down thus exposed to public view in the cities of Lon- low, they thought fit to degrade me further, don and Westminster; together with the and make me a ghost. I was contented other wonders, shows,and monsters, whereof with this for these two last winters; but they you made respective mention in the said speculation; we, the chief actors of this satisfied that I am banished from above

carry their tyranny still further, and not playhouse, met and sat upon the said de- ground, they have given me to understand sign. It is with great delight that we ex- that I am wholly to depart their dominions, pect the execution of this work; and in and taken from me even my subterraorder to contribute to it we have given neous employment. Now, sir, what I dewarning to all our ghosts to get their

live- sire of you is, that if your undertaker thinks lihoods where they can, and not to appear fit to use fire-arms (as other authors have among us after day-break of the 16th in- done,) in the time of Alexander, I may be a stant. We are resolved

take this op- cannon against Porus, or else provide for portunity to part with every thing which me in the burning of Persepolis, or what does not contribute to the representation of other method you shall think fit. human life; and shall make a free gift of all animated utensils to your projector.

"SALMONEUS, of Covent Garden,' The hangings you formerly mentioned are The petition of all the Devils in the playrun away; as are likewise a set of chairs, house in behalf of themselves and families, each of which was met upon two legs going setting forth their expulsion from thence, through the Rose tavern at two this morn- with certificates of their good life and coning: We hope, sir, you will give proper versation, and praying relief. notice to the town that we are endeavour The merits of this petition referred to ing at these regulations; and that we intend Mr. Chr. Rich, who made them devils. for the future to show no monsters, but The petition of the Grave-digger in Hammen who are converted into such by their let, to command the pioneers in the expeown industry and affectation. If you will dition of Alexander. -Granted. please to be at the house to-night, you will The petition of William Bullock, to be see me do my endeavour to show some un- Hephestion to Pinkethman the Great.. natural appearances which are in vogue Grảnted. among the polite and well-bred. I am to

ADVERTISEMENT. represent, in the character of a fine lady A widow gentlewoman, well born both by father and dancing, all the distortions which are fre- mother's side, being the daughter of Thomas Prater,

once an eminent practitioner in the law, and of Letitia quently taken for graces in mien and ges- Tattle, a family well known in all parts of this kingture. This, sir, is a specimen of the methods dom, having been reduced by misfortunes to wait on we shall take to expose the monsters which several great persons, and for some time to be a teacher come within the notice of a regular theatre; the public, that she hath lately

taken a house near and we desire nothing more gross may be Bloomsbury-square, commo admitted by you Spectators for the future. fields, in a good air; where she teaches all sorts of birds We have cashiered three companies of and others, to imitate human voices in greater perfec

of the loquacious kind, as parrots, starlings, magpies, theatrical guards, and design our kings shall tion than ever was yet practised. They are not only for the future make love, and sit in coun- instructed to pronounce words distinctly, and in a pro. cil, without an army; and wait only your great purity and volubility of tongue, together with all direction, whether you will have them re- ihe fashionable phrases and compliments now in use, inforce king Porus, or join the troops of either at tea-tables or visiting-days. Those that have Macedon. Mr. Pinkethman resolves to good voices may be taught to sing the newest opera.

airs, and if required, to speak either Italian or French, consult his pantheon of heathen gods in I paying something extraordinary above the common

situated next the




rates. They whose friends are not able to pay the full a little book. I found there were several prices, may be taken as half boarders. She teaches such as are designed for the diversion of the public

, and to other counterfeit books upon the upper act in enchanted woods on the theatres, by the great. shelves, which were carved in wood, and As she has often observed with much concern how in: served only to fill up the numbers,

like creatures, which in some measure is owing to their

be- faggots in the muster of a regiment. I ing placed in rooms next the street, where, to the great wonderly pleased with such a mixed kind offence of chaste and tender ears, they learn ribaldry, of furniture, as seemed very suitable both gers, and idle people, as also to cry fish and card to the lady and the scholar, and did not matches, with other useless parts of learning to birds know at first whether I should fancy mywho have rich friends, she has fitted up proper and neat self in a grotto or in a library. apartments for them in the back part of her said house ; where she suffers none to approach them but herself,

Upon my looking into the books, I found and a servant maid who is deaf and dumb, and whom there were some few which the lady had she provided on purpose to prepare their food, and bought for her own use, but that most of cleanse their cages; having found by long experience, them had been got together, either because have the use of speech, and the dangers her scholars are she had heard them praised, or because she exposed to by the strong impressions that are made by had seen the authors of them. Among seveharsh sounds, and vulgar dialects. In short, if they are ral that I examined, I very well remember render them so accomplished in the compass of a twelve these that follow: month, that they shall be fit conversation for such ladies Ogleby's Virgil. as love to choose their friends and companions out of this species.

Dryden's Juvenal.

No. 37.] Thursday, April 12, 1711.

Sir Isaac Newton's Works.
-Non illa colo calathisve Minerva

The Grand Cyrus; with a pin stuck in Fæmineas assueta manus

one of the middle leaves. Virg. Æn. vii. 805.

Pembroke's Arcadia. Unbred to spinning, in the loom unskill'd.

Locke on Human Understanding; with a Dryden.

paper of patches in it. SOME months ago, my friend Sir Roger, A Spelling Book. being in the country, enclosed a letter to A Dictionary for the explanation of hard me, directed to a certain lady whom I shall words. here call by the name of Leonora, and as Sherlock upon Death. it contained matters of consequence, desired The fifteen comforts of Matrimony. me to deliver it to her with my own hand. Sir William Temple's Essays. Accordingly I waited upon her ladyship Father Malebranche's Search after pretty early in the morning, and was de Truth, translated into English. sired by her woman to walk into the lady's A Book of Novels. library, till such time as she was in readi The Academy of Compliments. ness to receive me. The very sound of a Culpepper's Midwifery. lady's library gave me a great curiosity The Ladies' Calling. to see it; and as it was some time before Tales in Verse, by Mr. Durfey; bound the lady came to me, I had an opportunity in red leather, gilt on the back, and of turning over a great many of her books, doubled down in several places. which were ranged together in a very beau All the Classic Authors in wood, tiful order. At the end of the folios (which A set of Elzevirs by the same hand. were finely bound and gilt) were great Clelia: which opened of itself in the place jars of china placed one above another in that describes two lovers in a bower, a very noble piece of architecture. The Baker's Chronicle. quartos were separated from the octavos Advice to a Daughter. by a pile of smaller vessels, which rose in The New Atalantis, with a Key to it. a delightful pyramid. The actavos were Mr. Steele's Christian Hero. bounded by tea-dishes of all shapes, colours, A Prayer-Book: with a bottle of Hunand sizes, which were so disposed on a gary water by the side of it, wooden frame, that they looked like one Dr. Sacheverell's Speech. continued pillar indented with the finest Fielding's Trial. strokes of sculpture, and stained with the Seneca's Morals. greatest variety of dies. That part of the Taylor's Holy Living and Dying. library which was designed for the recep La Ferte's Instructions for Country tion of plays and pamphlets, and other dances. loose papers, was enclosed in a kind of I was taking a catalogue in my pocketsquare, consisting of one of the prettiest book of these, and several other authors, grotesque works that I ever saw, and made when Leonora entered, and upon my preup of scaramouches, lions, monkies, man- senting her with a letter from the knight, darines, trees, shells, and a thousand other told me, with an unspeakable grace, that odd figures in china ware. In the midst of she hoped Sir Roger was in good health: ! the room was a small japan table with a answered Yes, for I hate long speeches, and quire of gilt paper upon it, and on the pa- after a bow or two retired. per a silver snuff-box made in the shape of Leonora was formerly a celebrated beau

ty, and is still a very lovely woman. She has the sex. And as this is a subject of a very been a widow for two or three years, and nice nature, I shall desire my correspondbeing unfortunate in her first marriage, has ents to give me their thoughts upon it. C. taken a resolution never to venture upon a second. She has no children to take care of, and leaves the management of her estate to my good friend Sir Roger. But as the No. 38.] Friday, April 13, 1711. mind naturally sinks into a kind of lethargy,

-Cupias non placuisse nimis.-Mart. and falls asleep, that is not agitated by

One would not please too much. some favourite pleasures and pursuits, Leonora has turned all the passions of her sex A LATE conversation which I fell into, into a love of books and retirement. She gave me an opportunity of observing a great converses chiefly with men (as she has deal of beauty in a very handsome woman, often said herself) but it is only in their and as much wit in an ingenious man, turnwritings; and admits of very few male vi- ed into deformity in the one, and absurdity sitants, except my friend Sir Roger, whom in the other, by the mere force of affectashe hears with great pleasure, and without tion. The fair one had something in her scandal. As her reading has lain very person, upon which her thoughts were fixmuch among romances, it has given her aed, that she attempted to show to advantage very particular turn of thinking, and dis- in every look, word, and gesture. The covers itself even in her house, her gardens, gentleman was as diligent to do justice to and her furniture. Sir Roger has enter- his fine parts, as the lady to her beauteous tained me an hour together with a descrip- form. You might see his imagination on tion of her country seat, which is situated the stretch to find out something uncomin a kind of wilderness, about a hundred mon, and what they call bright, to entermiles distant from London, and looks like tain her, while she writhed herself into as a little enchanted palace. The rocks about many different postures to engage him. her are shaped into artificial grottos co- When she laughed, her lips were to sever vered with woodbines and jasmines. The at a greater distance than ordinary, to show woods are cut into shady walks, twisted her teeth; her fan was to point to someinto bowers, and filled with cages of tur- thing at a distance, that in the reach she tles. The springs are made to run among may discover the roundness of her arm; pebbles, and by that means taught to mur- then she is utterly mistaken in what she mur very, agreeably. They are likewise saw, falls back, smiles at her own folly, collected into a beautiful lake that is in- and is so wholly discomposed, that her habited by a couple of swans, and empties tucker is to be adjusted, her bosom exitself by a little rivulet which runs through posed, and the whole woman put into new a green meadow, and is known in the fa- airs and graces. While she was doing all mily by the name of The Purling Stream.' this, the gallant had time to think of someThe knight likewise tells me, that this lady thing very pleasant to say next to her, or preserves her game better than any of the make some unkind observation on some gentlemen in the country, not (says Sir Ro- other lady to feed her vanity. These unger) that she sets so great a value upon happy effects of affectation, naturally led her partridges and pheasants, as upon her me to look into that strange state of mind larks and nightingales. For she says that which so generally discolours the behaviour every bird which is killed in her ground, of most people we meet with. will spoil a concert, and that she shall cer The learned Dr. Burnet, in his . Theory tainly miss him the next year.

of the Earth,' takes occasion to observe, When I think how oddly this lady is im- that every thought is attended with a conproved by learning, I look upon her with a sciousness and representativeness; the mind mixture of admiration and pity. Amidst has nothing presented to it but what is imthese innocent entertainments which she mediately followed by a reflection of conhas formed to herself, how much more va- science, which tells you whether that luable does she appear than those of her which was so presented is graceful or unsex, who employ themselves in diversions becoming. This act of the mind discovers that are less reasonable though more in itself in the gesture, by a proper behaviour fashion? What improvements would a wo- in those whose consciousness goes no further man have made, who is so susceptible of than to direct them in the just progress of impressions from what she reads, had she their present state or action; but betrays been guided to such books as have a ten- an interruption in every second thought, dency to enlighten the understanding and when the consciousness is employed in too rectify the passions, as well as to those which fondly approving a man's own conceptions;

a little more use than to divert the which sort of consciousness is what we call imagination?

affectation. Bát the manner of a lady's employing As the love of praise is implanted in our herself usefully in reading, shall be the bosoms as a strong incentive to worthy acsubject of another paper, in which I design tions, it is a very difficult task to get above to recommend such particular books as a desire of it for things that should be wholmay be proper for the improvement of ly indifferent. Women whose hearts are



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