No. 566.] Monday, July 12, 1714. Militiæ species amor est.-Ovid Ars Am. ii. 233. out regard every thing that has being, it is one of the best schools in the world to especially such of his creatures who fear receive a general notion of mankind in, and they are not regarded by him. He is privy a certain freedom of behaviour, which is to all their thoughts, and to that anxiety of not so easily acquired in any other place. heart in particular, which is apt to trouble At the same time I must own, that some them on this occasion: for, as it is impos- military airs are pretty extraordinary, and sible he should overlook any of his crea- that a man who goes into the army a coxtures, so we may be confident that he comb, will come out of it a sort of public regards with an eye of mercy, those who nuisance: but a man of sense, or one who endeavour to recommend themselves to his before had not been sufficiently used to a notice, and in an unfeigned humility of mixed conversation, generally takes the heart think themselves unworthy that he true turn. The court has in all ages been should be mindful of them. allowed to be the standard of good-breeding; and I believe there is not a juster observation in Monsieur Rochefoucault, than that "a man who has been bred up wholly to business, can never get the air of a courtier at court, but will immediately catch it in the camp." The reason of this most certainly is, that the very essence of goodbreeding and politeness consists in several niceties, which are so minute that they escape his observation, and he falls short of the original he would copy after; but when he sees the same things charged and aggravated to a fault, he no sooner endeavours to come up to the pattern which is set before him, than, though he stops somewhat short of that, he naturally rests where in reality he ought. I was, two or three days ago, mightily pleased with the observation of a humorous gentleman upon one of his friends, who was in other respects every way an accomplished person, that " he wanted nothing but a dash of the coxcomb in him;" by which he understood a little of that alertness and unconcern in the common actions of life, which is usually so visible among gentlemen of the army, and which a campaign or two would infallibly have given him. As my correspondents begin to grow pretty numerous, I think myself obliged to take some notice of them, and shall therefore make this paper a miscellany of letters. I have, since my re-assuming the office of Spectator, received abundance of epistles from gentlemen of the blade, who I find have been so used to action that they know not how to lie still. They seem generally to be of opinion that the fair at home ought to reward them for their services abroad, and that until the cause of their country calls them again into the field, they have a sort of right to quarter themselves upon the ladies. In order to favour their approaches, I am desired by some to enlarge upon the accomplishments of their professions, and by others to give them my advice in carrying on their attacks. But let us hear what the gentlemen say for themselves. 'MR. SPECTATOR,-Though it may look somewhat perverse amidst the arts of peace to talk too much of war, it is but gratitude to pay the last office to its manes, since even peace itself, is, in some measure, obliged to it for its being. You will easily guess, sir, by this my panegyric upon a military education, that I am myself a soldier, and indeed I am so. I remember, within three years after I had been in the army, I was ordered into the You have, in your former papers, al-country a recruiting. I had very particuways recommended the accomplished to the favour of the fair; and I hope you will allow me to represent some part of a military life not altogether unnecessary to the forming a gentleman. I need not tell you that in France, whose fashions we have been formerly so fond of, almost every one derives his pretences to merit from the sword; and that a man has scarce the face to make his court to a lady, without some credentials from the service to recommend him. As the profession is very ancient, we have reason to think some of the greatest men among the old Romans derived many of their virtues from it, the commanders being frequently in other respects some of the most shining characters of the age. The army not only gives a man opportunities of exercising those two great virtues, patience and courage, but often produces them in minds where they had scarce any footing before. I must add, that lar success in this part of the service, and was over and above assured, at my going away, that I might have taken a young lady, who was the most considerable fortune in the country, along with me. I preferred the pursuit of fame at that time to all other considerations, and though I was not absolutely bent on a wooden leg, resolved at least to get a scar or two for the good of Europe. I have at present as much as I desire of this sort of honour, and if you could recommend me effectually, should be well enough contented to pass the remainder of my days in the arms of some dear kind creature, and upon a pretty estate in the country. This, as I take it, would be following the example of Lucius Cincinnatus, the old Roman dictator, who, at the end of a war left the camp to follow the plough. I am, sir, with all imaginable respect, your most obedient, humble servant, 'WILL WARLEY.” 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am a half-pay officer, and am at present with a friend in the country. Here is a rich widow in the neighbourhood, who has made fools of all the fox-hunters within fifty miles of her. She declares she intends to marry, but has not yet been asked by the man she could like. She usually admits her humble admirers to an audience or two; but, after she has once given them denial, will never see them more. I am assured by a female relation that I shall have fair play at her; but as my whole success depends on my first approaches, I desire your advice, whether I had best storm, or proceed by way of sap. I am, sir, yours, &c. P. S. I had forgot to tell you, that I have already carried one of her outworks, that is, secured her maid.' 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I have assisted in several sieges in the Low Countries, and being still willing to employ my talents as a soldier and engineer, lay down this morning at seven o'clock before the door of an obstinate female, who had for some time refused me admittance. I made a lodgement in an outer parlour about twelve: the enemy retired to her bed-chamber, yet I still pursued, and about two o'clock this afternoon she thought fit to capitulate. Her demands are indeed somewhat high, in relation to the settlement of her fortune. But, being in possession of the house, I intend to insist upon carte blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off all other pretenders for the space of twenty-four hours, to starve her into a compliance. I beg your speedy advice, and am, sir, yours, 'PETER PUSH. From my camp in Red-lion square, Saturday, four in the afternoon.' No. 567.] Wednesday, July 14, 1714. I HAVE received private advice from some of my correspondents, that if I would give my paper a general run, I should take care to season it with scandal. I have indeed observed of late that few writings sell which are not filled with great names and illustrious titles. The reader generally casts his eye upon a new book, and, if he finds several letters separated from one another by a dash, he buys it up, and pursues it with great satisfaction. An M and an h, a T and an r,* with a short line between them, has sold many insipid pamphlets. Nay, I have known a whole edition go off by virtue of two or three well-written &c—s. A sprinkling of the words "faction, * Marlborough. Treasurer Frenchman, papist, plunderer," and the like significant terms, in an italic character, have also a very good effect upon the eye of the purchaser, not to mention scribbler, liar, rogue, rascal, knave, and villain," without which it is impossible to carry on a modern controversy. Our party writers are so sensible of the secret virtue of an innuendo to recommend their productions, that of late they never mention the Q-n or Pt at length, though they speak of them with honour, and with the deference which is due to them from every private person. It gives a secret satisfaction to a pursuer of these mysterious works, that he is able to decy pher them without help, and by the a blank space, or make out a word that has strength of his own natural parts, to fill up only the first and last letter to it. Some of our authors indeed, when they would be more satirical than ordinary, omít only the vowels of a great man's name, and fall most unmercifully upon all the consonants. This way of writing was first of all introduced by T-m B-wn,t of facetious memory, who, after having gutted a proper name of all its intermediate vowels, used to plant it in his works, and make as free with it as he pleased, without any danger of the statute. That I may imitate these celebrated authors, and publish a paper which shall be more taking than ordinary, I have here drawn up a very curious libel, in which a reader of penetration will find a great deal of concealed satire, and, if he be acquainted with the present posture of affairs, will easily discover the meaning of it. If there are four persons in the nation who endeavour to bring all things into confusion, and ruin their native country, I think every honest Englishman ought to be upon his guard. That there are such, every one will agree with me who hears me name ***, with his first friend and favourite ***, not to mention *** nor ***. These people may cry ch-rch, ch-rch as long as they please; but, to make use of a homely proverb, "The proof of the p-dd-ng is in the eating." This I am sure of, that if a certain prince should concur with a certain prelate, (and we have Monsieur Z-n's word for it) our posterity would be in a sweet p-ckle. Must the British nation suffer, forsooth, because my lady Q-p-t-s has been disobliged? Or is it reasonable that our English fleet, which used to be the terror of the ocean, should lie wind-bound for the sake of a love to speak out, and declare my mind clearly, when I am talking for the good of my country. I will not make my court to an ill man, though he were a By or a T-t. Nay, I would not stick to call so wretched a politician a traitor, an enemy to his country: and a bl-nd-rd-ss, &c. &c. I The remaining part of this political trea ↑ Tom Brown tise, which is written after the manner of the most celebrated authors, in Great Britain, I may communicate to the public at a more convenient season. In the mean while I shall leave this with my curious reader, as some ingenious writers do their enigmas; and, if any sagacious person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the world with his name. I hope this short essay will convince my readers it is not for want of abilities that I avoid state tracts, and that, if I would apply my mind to it, I might in a little time be as great a master of the political scratch as any the most eminent writer of the age. I shall only add, that in order to outshine all the modern race of syncopists, and thoroughly content my English reader, I intend shortly to publish a Spectator that shall not have a single vowel in it. I WAS yesterday in a coffee-house not far from the Royal Exchange, where I observed three persons in close conference over a pipe of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for my own use, I lighted it at the little wax candle that stood before them: and, after having thrown in two or three whiffs amongst them, sat down and made one of the company. I need not tell my reader that lighting a man's pipe at the same candle is looked upon among brother smoakers as an overture to conversation and friendship. As we here laid our heads together in a very amicable manner, being entrenched under a cloud of our own raising, I took up the last Spectator, and casting my eye over it, The Spectator,' says I, is very witty to-day:' upon which a lusty lethargic old gentleman, who sat at the upper end of the table, having gradually blown out of his mouth a great deal of smoke which he had been collecting for some time before, Ay,' says he, more witty than wise, I am afraid. His neighbour, who sat at his right hand, immediately coloured, and, being an angry politician, laid down his pipe with so much wrath that he broke it in the middle, and by that means furnished me with a tobacco stopper. I took it up very sedately, and, looking him full in the face, made use of it from time to time all the while he was speaking: This fellow,' says he, 'cannot for his life keep out of politics. Do you see how he abuses four great men here?' I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by asterisks. Asterisks,' says he, do you call them? they are all of them stars-he might as well have put garters to them. VOL. II. 45 Then pray do but mind the two or three next lines: Ch-rch and p-dd-ng in the same sentence! Our clergy are very much beholden to him!' Upon this the third gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, and, as I found, a whig in his heart, desired him not to be too severe upon the Spectator neither; 'for,' says he, 'you find he is very cautious of giving offence, and has therefore put two dashes into his pudding.' 'A fig for his dash,' says the angry politician, in his next sentence he gives a plain innuendo that our posterity will be in a sweet p-ckle. What does the fool mean by his pickle? Why does he not write it at length, if he means honestly?' 'I have read over the whole sentence,' says I; but I look upon the parenthesis in the belly of it to be the most dangerous part, and as full of insinuations as it can hold.' 'But who,' says I, is my lady Q-p-t-s?' Ay, answer that if you can, sir,' says the furious statesman to the poor whig that sat over against him. But, without giving him time to reply, I do assure you,' says he, were I my lady Q-p-t-s, I would sue him for scandalum magnatum. What is the world come to? Must every body be allowed to---!' He had by this time filled a new pipe, and, applying it to his lips, when we expected the last word of his sentence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; which he redoubled, with so much rage and trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole company. After a short pause, I owned that I thought the Spectator had gone too far in writing so many letters of my lady Q-p-t-s's name: ་ but, however,' says I, he has made a little amends for it in his next sentence, where he leaves a blank space without so much as a consonant to direct us. I mean,' says I, after those words, "the fleet that used to be the terror of the ocean, should be wind-bound for the sake of a-;" after which ensues a chasm, that in my opinion looks modest enough.' 'Sir,' says my antagonist, you may easily know his meaning by his gaping; I suppose he designs his chasm, as you call it, for a hole to creep out at, but I believe it will hardly serve his turn. Who can endure to see the great officers of state, the B---y's and T-t's treated after so scurrilous a manner?' 'I can't for my life,' says I, 'imagine who they are the Spectator means."No!' says he:-Your humble servant, sir!' Upon which he flung himself back in his chair after a contemptuous manner, and smiled upon the old lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who I found was his great admirer. The whig however had begun to conceive a good-will towards me, and, seeing my pipe out, very generously offered me the use of his box; but I declined it with great civility, being obliged to meet a friend about that time in another quarter of the city At my leaving the coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with myself upon that gross tribe of fools who may be termed the over-wise, and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this censorious age which a weak head may not construe into private satire and personal reflection. A man who has a good nose at an innuendo smells treason and sedition in the most innocent words that can be put together, and never sees a vice or folly stigmatized but finds out one or other of his acquaintance pointed at by the writer. I remember an empty pragmatical fellow in the country, who, upon reading over The Whole Duty of Man, had written the names of several persons in the village at the side of every sin which is mentioned by that excellent author; so that he had converted one of the best books in the world into a libel against the 'squire, church wardens, overseers of the poor, and all other the most considerable persons in the parish. This book, with these extraordinary marginal notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one who had never seen it before; upon which there arose a current report that somebody had written a book against the 'squire and the whole parish. The minister of the place, having at that time a controversy with some of his congregation upon the account of his tithes, was under some suspicion of being the author, until the good man sat his people right, by showing them that the satirical passages might be applied to several others of two or three neighbouring villages, and that the book was written against all the sinners in England. No vices are so incurable as those which men are apt to glory in. One would wonder how drunkenness should have the good luck to be of this number. Anacharsis, being invited to a match of drinking at Corinth, demanded the prize very humorously, because he was drunk before any of the rest of the company: for,' says he, when we run a race, he who arrives at the goal first is entitled to the reward:' on the contrary, in this thirsty generation, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greatest quantity of liquor, and knocks down the rest of the company. I was the other day with honest Will Funnel, the West Saxon, who was reckoning up how much liquor had passed through him in the last twenty years of his life, which, according to his computation, amounted to twenty-three hogsheads of October, four tons of port, half a kilderkin of small beer, nineteen barrels of cider, and three glasses of champaign; besides which he had assisted at four hundred bowls of punch, not to mention sips, drams, and whets without number. I question not but every reader's memory will suggest to him several ambitious young men who are as vain in this particular as Will Funnel, and can boast of as glorious exploits. Our modern philosophers observe, that there is a general decay of moisture in the globe of the earth. This they chiefly ascribe to the growth of vegetables, which incorporate into their own substance many fluid bodies that never return again to their former nature: but with submission, they ought to throw into their account those innumerable rational beings which fetch their nourishment chiefly out of liquids: especially when we consider that men, compared with their fellow creatures, drink much more than comes to their share. But, however highly this tribe of people may think of themselves, a drunken man is a greater monster than any that is to be found among all the creatures which God has made; as indeed there is no character which appears more despicable and deformed, in the eyes of all reasonable persons, than that of a drunkard. Bonosus, one of our own countrymen, who was addicted to this vice, having set up for a share in the Roman empire, and being defeated in a great battle, hanged himself. When he was seen by the army in this melancholy situation; notwithstanding he had behaved himself very bravely, the common jest was, that the thing they saw hanging upon the tree before them was not a man, but a bottle. This vice has very fatal effects on the mind, the body, and fortune, of the person who is devoted to it. In regard to the mind, it first of all discovers every flaw in it. The sober man, by the strength of reason, may keep under and subdue every vice or folly to which he is most inclined; but wine makes every latent seed sprout up in the soul and show itself; it gives fury to the passions, and force to those objects which are apt to produce them. When a young fellow complained to an old philosopher that his wife was not handsome, 'put less water in your wine,' says the philosopher, and you will quickly make her so.' Wine heightens indifference into love, love into jealousy, and jealousy into madness. It often turns the good-natured man into an idiot, and the choleric into an assassin. It gives bitterness to resentment, it makes vanity insupportable, and displays every little spot of the soul in its utmost deformity. Nor does this vice only betray the hidden faults of a man, and show them in the most odious colours, but often occasions faults to which he is not naturally subject. There is more of turn than of truth in a saying of Seneca, that drunkenness does not produce but discover faults. Common | the master of the house* accommodated us experience teaches the contrary. Wine himself with every thing we wanted, I acthrows a man out of himself, and infuses cidentally fell into discourse with him; and qualities into the mind which she is a stranger to in her sober moments. The person you converse with after the third bottle, is not the same man who at first sat down at table with you. Upon this maxim is founded one of the prettiest savings I ever met with, which is ascribed to Publius Syrus,Qui ebrium ludificat, lædit absentem: He who jests upon a man that is drunk, injures the absent.' Thus does drunkenness act in a direct contradiction to reason, whose business it is to clear the mind of every vice which is crept into it, and to guard it against all the approaches of any that endeavours to make its entrance. But besides these ill effects, which this vice produces in the person who is actually under its dominion, it has also a bad influence on the mind, even in its sober moments, as it insensibly weakens the understanding, impairs the memory, and makes those faults habitual which are produced by frequent excesses. I shall now proceed to show the ill effects which this vice has on the bodies and fortunes of men; but these I shall reserve for the subject of some future paper. talking of a certain great man, who shall be nameless, he told me that he had sometimes the honour to treat him with a whistle; adding (by way of parenthesis) for you must know, gentlemen, that I whistle the best of any man in Europe.' This naturally put me upon desiring him to give us a sample of his art; upon which he called for a case knife, and, applying the edge of it to his mouth, converted it into a musical_instrument, and entertained me with an Italian solo. Upon laying down the knife, he took up a pair of clean tobacco pipes; and, after having slid the small end of them over the table in a most melodious trill, he fetched a tune out of them, whistling to them at the same time in concert. In short, the tobacco pipes became musical pipes in the hands of our virtuoso, who confessed to me ingenuously, he had broken such quantities of them, that he had almost broke himself before he had brought this piece of music to any tolerable perfection. I then told him I would bring a company of friends to dine with him next week, as an encouragement to his ingenuity; upon which he thanked me, saying, that he would provide himself with a new frying pan against that day. I replied, that it was no matter; roast and boiled would serve our turn. He smiled at my simplicity, and told me that it was his design to give us a tune upon it. As I was surprised at such a promise, he sent for THERE is scarcely a man living who is an old frying-pan, and grating it upon the not actuated by ambition. When this board, whistled to it in such a melodious principle meets with an honest mind and manner, that you could scarcely distinguish great abilities, it does infinite service to the it from a bass-viol. He then took his seat world; on the contrary, when a man only with us at the table, and hearing my friend thinks of distinguishing himself, without that was with me hum over a tune to himbeing thus qualified for it, he becomes a self, he told him if he would sing out, he very pernicious or a very ridiculous crea- would accompany his voice with a tobacco ture. I shall here confine myself to that pipe. As my friend has an agreeable bass, petty kind of ambition, by which some he chose rather to sing to the frying-pan, men grow eminent for odd accomplish- and indeed between them they made up a ments and trivial performances. How most extraordinary concert. Finding our many are there whose whole reputation depends upon a pun or a quibble? You may often see an artist in the streets gain a circle of admirers by carrying a long pole upon his chin or forehead in a perpendicular posture. Ambition has taught some to write with their feet, and others to walk upon their hands. Some tumble of the Queen's arms, near the end of the Little Piazza into fame, others grow immortal by throw-in Covent garden. His death is thus noticed in the ing themselves through a hoop. No. 570.] Wednesday, July 21, 1714. -Nugæque canora.-Hor. Ars Poet. ver. 322. Chiming trifles.-Roscommon. Cætera de genere hoc adeo sunt multa, loquacem. Delassare valent Fabium. Hor. Sat. i. Lib. 1. 13. With thousands more of this ambitious race Horneck. I am led into this train of thought by an adventure I lately met with. I was the other day at a tavern, where landlord so great a proficient in kitchen music, I asked him if he was master of the tongs and key. He told me that he had laid it down some years since, as a little unfashionable; but that, if I pleased, he would give me a lesson upon the gridiron. *This eccentric man kept a public house, the sign London Mag. for April, 1738. "Death-Near Fishmonger's Hall, the celebrated Mr. John Dentry, better known by the appellation of Signior Denterius, which by way of humour, he assumed and put upon his sign. He kept a public house, not only at the time of his death, but when the Spectators were writing; and from the odd talents he was possessed of, and his whimsical ways of entertaining his customers, furnished a subject for one of those excellent papers. Among many other surprising endowments the Signior had that of whistling, by the help of a knife, to so great a perfection, that he became as famous for that, as most of the Italian Signiors have been for singing, who excel likewise in that way, by the help of a knife.” |