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ments to make up for the want of those which reason I shall recommend the fol-
attractions which she saw in her sister. lowing extract out of a friend's letter to the
Poor Daphne was seldom submitted to in a professed beauties, who are a people almost
debate wherein she was concerned; her dis- as unsufferable as the professed wits.
course had nothing to recommend it but the Monsieur St. Evremond has concluded
good sense of it, and she was always under one of his essays with affirming, that the
à necessity to have very well considered last sighs of a handsome woman are not so
what she was to say before she uttered it; much for the loss of her life, as of her
while Lætitia was listened to with partiality, beauty. Perhaps this raillery is pursued
and approbation sat in the countenances of too far, yet it is turned upon a very obvious
those she conversed with, before she com- remark, that woman's strongest passion is
municated what she had to say. These for her own beauty, and that she values it
causes have produced suitable effects, and as her favourite distinction. From hence it
Lætitia is as insipid a companion as Daphne is that all arts, which pretend to improve
is an agreeable one. Lætitia, confident of or preserve it, meet with so general a re-
favour, has studied no arts to please; Daph-ception among the sex. To say nothing of
ne, despairing of any inclination towards many false helps and contraband wares of
her person, has depended wholly on her beauty, which are daily vended in this great
merit. Lætitia has always something in her mart, there is not a maiden gentlewoman
air that is sullen, grave, and disconsolate. of a good family, in any county of South
Daphne has a countenance that appears Britain, who has not heard of the virtues of
cheerful, open, and unconcerned. A young May-dew, or is unfurnished with some re-
gentleman saw Lætitia this winter at a ceipt or other in favour of her complexion;
play, and became her captive. His fortune and I have known a physician of learning
was such, that he wanted very little intro- and sense, after eight years study in the
duction to speak his sentiments to her fa- university, and a course of travels into most
ther, The lover was admitted with the countries of Europe, owe the first raising
utmost freedom into the family, where a of his fortune to a cosmetic wash.
constrained behaviour, severe looks, and • This has given me occasion to consider
distant civilities, were the highest favours how so universal a disposition in woman-
he could obtain of Lætitia; while Daphne kind, which springs from a laudable mo-
used him with the good humour, familiarity, tive, the desire of pleasing, and proceeds
and innocence of a sister: insomuch that he upon an opinion, not altogether groundless,
would often say to her, “Dear Daphne, that nature may be helped by art, may be
wert thou but as handsome as Lætitia. turned to their advantage. And, methinks,
She received such language with that in- it would be an acceptable service to také
genuous and pleasing mirth, which is natu- them out of the hands of quacks and pre-
ral to a woman without design. He still tenders, and to prevent their imposing upon
sighed in vain for Lætitia, but found cer- themselves, by discovering to them the
tain relief in the agreeable conversation of true secret and art of improving beauty.
Daphne. At length, heartily tired with • In order to do this, before I touch upon
the haughty impertinence of Lætitia, and it directly, it will be necessary to lay down
charmed with the repeated instances of a few preliminary maxims, viz.
good-humour he had observed in Daphne, That no woman can be handsome by
he one day told the latter, that had the force of features alone, any more than
something to say to her he hoped she would she can be witty only by the help of
be pleased with Faith, Daphne,' con- speech.
tinued he, 'I am in love with thee, and • That pride destroys all symmetry and
despise thy sister sincerely.' The manner grace, and affectation is a more terrible
of his declaring himself, gave his mistress enemy to fine faces than the small-pox.
occasion for a very hearty laughter. Nay,' •That no woman is capable of being
says he, 'I knew you would laugh at me, beautiful, who is not incapable of being
but I will ask your father.' He did so; the false.
father received his intelligence with no less • And, That what would be odious in a
joy than surprise, and was very glad he friend, is deformity in a mistress.
had now no care left but for his beauty, • From these few principles, thus laid
which he thought he could carry to market down, it will be easy to prove, that the true
at his leisure. I do not know any thing that art of assisting beauty consists in embellish-
has pleased me so much a great while, as ing the whole person by the proper orna-
this conquest of my friend Daphne's. All ments of virtuous and commendable quali-
her acquaintance congratulate her upon her ties. By this help alone it is, that those
chance-medley, and laugh at that premedi- who are the favourite work of nature, or,
tating murderer her sister. As it is an as Mr. Dryden expresses it, the porcelain
argument of a light mind, to think the clay of human kind, become animated, and
worse of ourselves for the imperfections of are in a capacity of exerting their charms;
our persons, it is equally below us to value and those who seem to have been neglect-
ourselves upon the advantages of them. ed by her, like models wrought in haste,
The female world seem to be almost incor- are capable in a great measure of finishing
rigibly gone astray in this particular; for what she has left imperfect,

*It is, methinks, a low and degrading | divisions, not only of this great city, but of idea of that sex, which was created to re the whole kingdom. My readers too have fine the joys, and soften the cares of hu- the satisfaction to find that there is no rank manity, by the most agreeable participa- or degrees among them who have not their tion, to consider them merely as objects of representative in this club, and that there sight. This is abridging them of their na- is always somebody present who will take tural extent of power, to put them upon a care of their respective interests, that nolevel with their pictures at Kneller's. How thing may be written or published to the much nobler is the contemplation of beau- prejudice or infringement of their just ty, heightened by virtue, and commanding rights and privileges. our esteem and love, whilst it draws our I last night sat very late in company with observation! How faint and spiritless are this select body of friends, who entertained the charms of a coquette, when compared me with several remarks which they and with the real loveliness of Sophronia's in- others had made upon these my spéculanocence, piety, good-humour, and truth; tions, as also with the various success which virtues which add a new softness to her they had met with among their several sex, and even beautify her beauty! That ranks and degrees of readers. Will Honeyagreeableness which must otherwise have comb told me, in the softest manner he appeared no longer in the modest virgin, is could that there were some ladies (but for now preserved in the tender mother, the your comfort, says Will, they are not those prudent friend, and the faithful wife. Co of the most wit) that were offended at the lours artfully spread upon canvass may en- liberties I had taken with the opera and tertain the eye, but not affect the heart; the puppet-show; that some of them were and she who takes no care to add to the na- likewise very much surprised, that I should tural graces of her person any excelling think such serious points as the dress and qualities, may be allowed still to amuse, as equipage of persons of quality, proper suba picture, but not to triumph as a beauty. jects for raillery.

•When Adam is introduced by Milton, He was going on when Sir Andrew Freedescribing Eve in Paradise, and relating port took him up short, and told him that to the angel the impressions he felt upon the papers he hinted at, had done great seeing her at her first creation, he does not good in the city, and that all their wives represent her like a Grecian Venus, by her and daughters were the better for them; shape or features, but by the lustre of her and further added, that the whole city mind which shone in them, and gave them thought themselves very much obliged to their power of charming:

me for declaring my generous intentions to & Grace was in all her steps, heav'n in her eye, scourge vice and folly as they appear in a In all her gestures dignity and love !"

multitude, without condescending to be a "Without this irradiating power, the publisher of particular intrigues and cuckproudest fair-one ought to know, whatever oldoms. In short,' says Sir Andrew, 'if her glass may tell her to the contrary, that you avoid that foolish beaten road of fallher most perfect features are uninformed ing upon aldermen and citizens, and employ and dead.

your pen upon the vanity and luxury of •I cannot better close this moral, than courts, your paper must needs be of geneby a short epitaph written by Ben Jonson ral use. with a spirit which nothing could inspire Upon this my friend the Templar told but such an object as I have been de- | Sir Andrew, that he wondered to hear a scribing.

man of his sense talk after that manner; * Underneath this stone doth lie

that the city had always been the province As much virtue as could die;

for satire, and that the wits of King Which when alive did vigour give

Charles's time jested upon nothing else To as much beauty as could live."

during his whole reign. He then showed, I am, Sir, your most humble servant, by the example of Horace, Juvenal, BoiR,

‘R. B.' leau, and the best writers of every age,

that the follies of the stage and court had

never been accounted too sacred for ridiNo. 34.] Monday, April 9, 1711.

cule, how great soever the persons might

be that patronized them. But after all,' -parcit

says he, *I think your raillery has made too Cognatis maculis similis fera

great an excursion, in attacking several per

sons of the inns of court; and I do not beFrom spotted skins the leopard does refrain. Tate.

lieve you can show me any precedent for The club of which I am a member, is your behaviour in that particular.' very luckily composed of such persons as My good friend, Sir Roger de Coverly, are engaged in different ways of life, and who had said nothing all this while, began deputed as it were out of the most conspi- his speech with a Pish! and told us, that cuous classes of mankind. By this means he wondered to see so many men of sense, I am furnished with the greatest variety of so very serious upon fooleries. hints and materials, and know every thing good friend,' says he, attack every one that passes in the different quarters and that deserves it; I would only advise you.

Jud. Sat. xv. 159.

• Let our

Mr. Spectator,' applying himself to me, This debate, which was held for the good 'to take care how you meddle with coun- of mankind, put me in mind of that which try squires. They are the ornaments of the Roman triumvirate were formerly enthe English nation; men of good heads and gaged in for their destruction. Every man sound bodies! and, let me tell you, some at first stood hard for his friend, till they of them take it ill of you, that you mention found that by this means they should spoil fox-hunters with so little respect.' their proscription; and at length, making

Captain Sentry spoke very sparingly on a sacrifice of all their acquaintance and rethis occasion. What he said was only to lations, furnished out a very decent execommend my prudence in not touching cution. upon the army, and advised me to continue Having thus taken my resolution to march to act discreetly in that point.

on boldly in the cause of virtue and good But by this time I found every subject of sense, and to annoy their adversaries in my speculations was taken away from me, whatever degree or rank of men they may by one or other of the club: and began to be found, I shall be deaf for the future to think myself in the condition of the good all the remonstrances that shall be made to man that had one wife who took a dislike me on this account. If Punch grows exto his grey hairs, and another to his black, travagant, I shall reprimand him very freetill by their picking out what each of them ly: if the stage becomes a nursery of folly had an aversion to, they left his head alto- and impertinence, I shall not be afraid to gether bald and naked.

animadvert upon it. In short, if I meet While I was thus musing with myself, with any thing in city, court or country, my worthy friend the clergyman, who, that shocks modesty or good manners,

Í very luckily for me, was at the club that shall use my utmost endeavours to make night, undertook my cause. He told us, an example of it. I must, however, entreat that he wondered any order of persons every particular person wlio does me the should think themselves too considerable to honour to be a reader of this paper, never to be advised. That it was not quality, but think himself, or any one of his friends or innocence, which exempted men from re- enemies, aimed at in what is said; for I proof. That vice and folly ought to be at- promise him, never to draw a faulty chatacked wherever they could be met with, racter which does not fit at least a thousand and especially when they were pl ed in people, or to publish a single paper, that is high and conspicuous stations of life. He not written in the spirit of benevolence, and further added, that my paper would only with a love of mankind.

C. serve to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly exposed those who are already depressed, and in some measure turned into No. 35.] Tuesday, April 10, 1711. ridicule, by the meanness of their conditions and circumstances. He afterwards pro- Risu inepto res ineptior nulla est. ceeded to take notice of the great use this

Nothing so foolish as the laugh of fools. paper might be of to the public, by reprehending those vices which are too trivial for AMONG all kinds of writing, there is none the chastisement of the law, and too fantas- in which authors are more apt to miscarry tical for the cognizance of the pulpit. He than in works of humour, as there is none then advised me to prosecute my under- in which they are more ambitious to excel. taking with cheerfulness, and assured me, It is not an imagination that teems with monthat whoever might be displeased with me, sters, a head that is filled with extravagant I should be approved by all those whose conceptions, which is capable of furnishing praises do honour to the persons on whom the world with diversions of this nature; they are bestowed.

and yet, if we look into the productions of The whole club pay a particular defer- several writers, who set up for men of ence to the discourse of this gentleman, and humour, what wild irregular fancies, what are drawn into what he says, as much by unnatural distortions of thought, do we meet the candid ingenuous manner with which with? If they speak nonsense, they believe he delivers himself

, as by the strength of they are talking humour, and when they argument and force of reason which he have drawn together a scheme of absurd makes use of. Will Honeycomb imme- inconsistent ideas, they are not able to read diately agreed that what he had said was it over to themselves without laughing. right; and that, for his part, he would not These poor gentlemen endeavour to gain insist upon the quarter which he had de-themselves the reputation of wits and humanded for the ladies. Sir Andrew gave mourists, by such monstrous conceits as alup the city with the same frankness. The most qualify them for Bedlam; not consiTemplar would not stand out, and was fol- dering that humour should always lie under lowed by Sir Roger and the Captain; who the check of reason, and that it requires the all agreed that I should be at liberty to direction of the nicest judgment, by so much carry the war into what quarter I pleased; the more as it indulges itself in the most provided I continued to combat with cri- boundless freedoms. There is a kind of minals in a body, and to assault the vice nature that is to be observed in this sort of without hurting the person.

compositions, as well as in all other; and a


certain regularity of thought which must conclude him to be altogether spurious and discover the writer to be a man of sense, at a cheat. the same time that he appears altogether The impostor of whom I am speaking, given up to caprice. For my part, when I descends originally from Falsehood, who read the delirious mirth of an unskilful au- was the mother of Nonsense, who was thor, I cannot be so barbarous as to divert brought to bed of a son called Frenzy, who myself with it, but am rather apt to pity married one of the daughters of Folly, comthe man, than to laugh at any thing he monly known by the name of Laughter, on writes.

whom he begot that monstrous infant of The deceased Mr. Shadwell, who had which I have been speaking. I shall set himself a great deal of the talent which I down at length the genealogical table of am treating of, represents an empty rake, in False Humour, and, at the same time, place one of his plays, as very much surprised to under it the genealogy of True Humour, hear one say, that breaking of windows was that the reader may at one view behold not humour; and I question not but several their different pedigrees and relations: English readers will be as much startled to

Falsehood, hear me affirm, that many of those raving

Nonsense. incoherent pieces, which are often spread

Frenzy. Laughter. among us under odd chimerical titles, are

False Humour, rather the offsprings of a distempered brain than works of humour.

Truth. It is indeed much easier to describe what

Good Sense. is not humour, than what is; and very dif

Wit. - Mirth. ficult to define it otherwise than as Cowley

Humour. has done wit, by negatives. Were I to give I might extend the allegory, by mentionmy own notions of it, I would deliver them ing several of the children of False Humour, after Plato's manner, in a kind of allegory, who are more in number than the sands of and by supposing Humour to be a person, the sea, and might in particular enumerate deduce to him all his qualifications, accord- the many sons and daughters which he has ing to the following genealogy. Truth was begot in this island. But as this would be the fcunder of the family, and the father of a very invidious task, I shall only observe God Sense. Good Sense was the father in general, that False Humour differs from of Wit, who married a lady of collateral the True, as a monkey does from a man. line called Mirth, by whom he had issue First of all, He is exceedingly given to Humour. Humour therefore being the little apish tricks and buffooneries. Foungest of this illustrious family, and de- Secondly, He so much delights in miscended from parents of such different dis- mickry, that it is all one to him whether positions, is very various and unequal in his he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and temper; sometimes you see him putting on avarice; or on the contrary, virtue and grave looks and a solemn habit, sometimes wisdom, pain and poverty, airy in his behaviour and fantastic in his Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, indress; insomuch that at different times he somuch that he will bite the hand that feeds appears as serious as a judge, and as jocu- him, and endeavour to ridicule both friends lar as a Merry-Andrew. But as he has a and foes indifferently. For having but small great deal of the mother in his constitution, talents, he must be merry where he can, whatever mood he is in, he never fails to not where he should. make his company laugh.

Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, But since there is an impostor abroad, he pursues no point, either of morality or who takes upon him the name of this young instruction, but is ludicrous only for the gentleman, and would willingly pass for sake of being so. him in the world, to the end 'that well- Fifthly, Being incapable of any thing but meaning persons may not be imposed upon mock representations, his ridicule is alby cheats, I would desire my readers, when ways personal, and aimed at the vicious they meet with this pretender, to look into man, or the writer; not at the vice, or the his parentage, and to examine him strictly, writing. whether or no he be remotely allied to I have here only pointed at the whole Truth, and lineally descended from Good species of false humourists; but as one of Sense; if not, they may conclude him a my principal designs in this paper is to ccunterfeit. They may likewise distin-beat down that malignant spirit, which guish him by a loud and excessive laughter, | discovers itself in the writings of the prein which he seldom gets his company to sent age, I shall not scruple, for the future, join with him. For as True Humour ge- to single out any of the small wits, that innerally looks serious, while every body fest the world with such compositions as laughs about him; False Humour is always are ill-natured, immoral, and absurd. This laughing, whilst every body about him looks is the only exception which I shall make serious. I shall only add, if he has not in to the general rule I have prescribed myhim a mixture of both parents, that is, if self, of attacking multitudes, since every he would pass for the offspring of Wit with honest man ought to look upon himself as out Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may in a natural state of war with the libeller

Immania monstra Perferimus

and lampooner, and to annoy them when- | opposition to the oracle of Delphos, and ever they fall in his way. This is but re-doubts not but he shall turn the fortune of taliating upon them, and treating them as Porus, when he personates him. I am dethey treat others.

C. sired by the company to inform you, that

they submit to your censures, and shall

have you in greater veneration than HerNo. 36.] Wednesday, April 11, 1711.

cules was of old, if you can drive monsters

from the theatre; and think your merit Virg. Æn. iii. 583. will be as much greater than his, as to con

vince is more than to conquer. I am, sir, Things the most out of nature we endure.

your most obedient servant, T. D.' I Shall not put myself to any farther pains for this day's entertainment, than “SIR,-When I acquaint you with the barely to publish the letters and titles of great and unexpected vicissitudes of my petitions from the playhouse, with the mi- fortune, I doubt not but I shall obtain your nutes I have made upon the latter for my pity and favour. I have for many years conduct in relation to them.

past been Thunderer to the playhouse; and

have not only made as much noise out of Drury-lane, April the 9th. Upon reading the project which is set the theatre that ever bore that character,

the clouds as any predecessor of mine in forth in one of your late papers, of making but also have descended and spoke on the an alliance between all the bulls, bears, stage as the bold Thunderer in The Reelephants, and lions, which are separately hearsal.' When they got me down thus exposed to public view in the cities of Lon- low, they thought fit to degrade me further, don and Westminster; together with the and make me a ghost. I was contented other wonders, shows,and monsters, whereof with this for these two last winters; but they you made respective mention in the said carry their tyranny still further, and not speculation; we, the chief actors of this satisfied that I am banished from above playhouse, met and sat upon the said de ground, they have given me to understand sign. It is with great delight that we ex- that I am wholly to depart their dominions pect the execution of this work; and in and taken from me even my subterraorder to contribute to it we have given neous employment. Now, sir, what I dewarning to all our ghosts to get their live- sire of you is, that if your undertaker thinks lihoods where they can, and not to appear fit to use fire-arms (as other authors have among us after day-break of the 16th in- done,) in the time of Alexander, I may be a stant. We are resolved to take this op- cannon against Porus, or else provide for portunity to part with every thing which me in the burning of Persepolis, or what does not contribute to the representation of other method you shall think fit. human life; and shall make a free gift of all animated utensils to your projector.

SALMONEUS, of Covent Garden.' The hangings you formerly mentioned are The petition of all the Devils in the playrun away; as are likewise a set of chairs, house in behalf of themselves and families, each of which was met upon two legs going setting forth their expulsion from thence, through the Rose tavern at two this morn- with certificates of their good life and coning: We hope, sir, you will give proper versation, and praying relief. notice to the town that we are endeavour- The merits of this petition referred to ing at these regulations; and that we intend Mr. Chr. Rich, who made them devils. for the future to show no monsters, but The petition of the Grave-digger in Hammen who are converted into such by their let, to command the pioneers in the expeown industry and affectation. If you will dition of Alexander. Granted. please to be at the house to-night, you will The petition of William Bullock, to be see me do my endeavour to show some un- Hephestion to Pinkethman the Great.natural appearances which are in vogue Granted. among the polite and well-bred. I am to

ADVERTISEMENT. represent, in the character of a fine lady A widow gentlewoman, well born both by father and dancing, all the distortions which are fre- mother's side, being the daughter of Thomas Prater, quently taken for graces in mien and ges- Tattle, a family well known in all parts of this king

once an eminent practitioner in the law, and of Letitia ture. This, sir, is a specimen of the methods dom, having been reduced by misfortunes to wait on we shall take to expose the monsters which several great persons, and for some time to be a teacher come within the notice of a regular theatre; the public, that she hath lately taken a house near and we desire nothing more gross may be Bloomsbury-square, commodiously situated next the admitted by you Spectators for the future. fields, in a good air; where she teaches all sorts of birds We have cashiered three companies of or dhe loquacious kind, as parrots, starlings, magpies, theatrical guards, and design our kings shall tion than ever was vet practised. They are not only for the future make love, and sit in council, without an army; and wait only

your per tone and accent, but to speak the language with

great purity and volubility of tongue, together with all direction, whether you will have them re- The fashionable phrases and compliments now in use, inforce king Porus, or join the troops of either at tea-tables or visiting-days. Those that have Macedon. Mr. Pinkethman resolves to good voices may be taught to sing the newest opera.

airs, and if required, to speak either Italian or French, consult his pantheon of heathen gods in paying something extraordinary above the common

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