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No. 45.]

THE SPECTATOR.

first wits of that age. But because ridicule is not so delicate as compassion, and because the objects that make us laugh are infinitely more numerous than those that make us weep, there is a much greater latitude for comic than tragic artifices, and by consequence a much greater indulgence to be allowed them.

No. 45.] Saturday, April 21, 1711.

Natio comoda est

C.

Juv. Sat. iii. 100.

The nation is a company of players. THERE is nothing which I desire more than a safe and honourable peace, though at the same time I am very apprehensive of many ill consequences that may attend it. I do not mean in regard to our politics, but to our manners. What an inundation of ribands and brocades will break in upon us? What peals of laughter and impertinence shall we be exposed to? For the prevention of those great evils, I could heartily wish that there was an act of parliament for prohibiting the importation of French fopperies.

which looks immodest in the fair sex, that
I could not forbear taking off my eye from
As the co-
her when she moved in bed, and was in the
greatest confusion imaginable every time
she stirred a leg, or an arm.
quettes who introduced this custom grew
ing that a woman of threescore may kick
old, they left it off by degrees; well know-
and tumble her heart out, without making
any impression.

Sempronia is at present the most profess-
ed admirer of the French nation, but is so
modest as to admit her visitants no further
than her toilet. It is a very odd sight that
beautiful creature makes, when she is talk-
ing politics, with her tresses flowing about
her shoulders, and examining that face in
the glass, which does such execution upon
all the male standers-by. How prettily
does she divide her discourse between her
women and her visitants! What sprightly
transitions does she make from an opera or
a sermon, to an ivory comb or a pin-cush-
ion! How have I been pleased to see her
interrupted in an account of her travels, by
tongue in the midst of a moral reflection, by
a message to her footman; and holding her
applying the tip of it to a patch.

generating into levity. On the contrary,
the whole discourse and behaviour of the
French is to make the sex more fantastical,
or (as they are pleased to term it) more
awakened, than is consistent either with
virtue or discretion. To speak loud in pub-
lic assemblies, to let every one hear you
talk of things that should only be mentioned
in private, or in whisper, are looked upon
as parts of a refined education. At the
In short, discretion and
same time, a blush is unfashionable, and
silence more ill-bred than any thing that
can be spoken.
modesty, which in all other ages and coun-
tries have been regarded as the greatest
ornaments of the fair sex, are considered
as the ingredients of narrow conversation,
and family behaviour.

There is nothing which exposes a woman The female inhabitants of our island have already received very strong impressions from this ludicrous nation, though by the to greater dangers, than that gayety and length of the war (as there is no evil which airiness of temper, which are natural to has not some good attending it) they are most of the sex. It should be therefore pretty well worn out and forgotten. I re- the concern of every wise and virtuous member the time when some of our well-woman to keep this sprightliness from debred country-women kept their valet de chambre; because, forsooth, a man was much more handy about them than one of their own sex. I myself have seen one of these male Abigails tripping about the room with a looking-glass in his hand, and combing his lady's hair a whole morning together. Whether or no there was any truth in the story of a lady's being got with child by one of these her hand-maids, I cannot tell; but I think at present the whole race of them is extinct in our own country. About the time that several of our sex were taken into this kind of service, the ladies likewise brought up the fashion of receiving visits in their beds. It was then looked upon as a piece of ill-breeding for a Some years ago I was at the tragedy of woman to refuse to see a man because she was not stirring; and a porter would have been thought unfit for his place, that could Macbeth, and unfortunately placed myself have made so awkward an excuse. As I under a woman of quality that is since dead; love to see every thing that is new, I once who as I found by the noise she made was prevailed upon my friend Will Honey-newly returned from France. A little becomb to carry me along with him to one of fore the rising of the curtain, she broke out these travelled ladies, desiring him at the same time to present me as a foreigner who could not speak English, that so I might not be obliged to bear a part in the discourse. The lady, though willing to appear undrest, had put on her best looks, and painted herself for our reception. Her hair appeared in a very nice disorder, as the night-gown which was thrown upon her shoulders was ruffled with great care. For my part, I am so shocked with every thing

into a loud soliloquy, 'When will the dear witches enter?' and immediately upon their first appearance, asked a lady that sat three boxes from her on her right hand, if those witches were not charming creatures. A little after, as Betterton was in one of the finest speeches of the play, she shook her fan at another lady, who sat as far on her left hand, and told her with a whisper that might be heard all over the pit, 'We must not expect to see Balloon to-night.' Not

THE SPECTATOR.

long after, calling out to a young baronet confusion, raving and inconsistency. In
[No. 46.
by his name, who sat three seats before short, they are my speculations in the
me, she asked him whether Macbeth's wife first principles, that (like the world in its
was still alive; and before he could give an chaos) are void of all light, distinction, and
answer, fell a talking of the ghost of Ban-order.
quo. She had by this time formed a little
audience to herself, and fixed the attention
of all about her. But as I had a mind to
hear the play, I got out of the sphere of her
impertinence, and planted myself in one of
the remotest corners of the pit.

me a very odd accident, by reason of one of About a week since there happened to these my papers of minutes which I had accidentally dropped at Lloyd's coffee-house, where the auctions are usually kept. Before This pretty childishness of behaviour is who had found it, and were diverting themI missed it, there were a cluster of people one of the most refined parts of coquetry, selves with it at one end of the coffee-house. and is not to be attained in perfection by It had raised so much laughter among them ladies that do not travel for their improve- before I had observed what they were ment. A natural and unconstrained beha-about, that I had not the courage to own viour has something in it so agreeable, that it. The boy of the coffee-house, when they it is no wonder to see people endeavouring had done with it, carried it about in his after it. But at the same time it is so very hand, asking every body if they had drophard to hit, when it is not born with us, ped a written paper; but nobody chalthat people often make themselves ridicu-lenging it, he was ordered by those merry lous in attempting it.

A very ingenious French author tells us, that the ladies of the court of France, in his time, thought it ill-breeding, and a kind of female pedantry, to pronounce a hard word right: for which reason they took frequent occasion to use hard words, that they might show a politeness in murdering them. He further adds, that a lady of some quality at court having accidently made use of a hard word in a proper place, and pronounced it right, the whole assembly was out of countenance for her.

into the auction pulpit, and read it to the gentlemen who had perused it, to get up whole room, that if any one would own it, they might. The boy accordingly mounted the pulpit, and with a very audible voice read as follows:

MINUTES.

Yes, for I hate long speeches-Query, if a Sir Roger de Coverley's country-seatgood Christian may be a conjurer-Childermas-day, saltseller, house-dog, screechI must however be so just as to own that don, in the good ship called the Achilles. owl, cricket-Mr. Thomas Inkle of Lonthere are many ladies who have travelled Yarico-Egrescitque medendo-Ghostsseveral thousands of miles without being The Lady's Library-Lion by trade a taithe worse for it, and have brought home lor-Dromedary called Bucephalus-Equiwith them all the modesty, discretion, and page the lady's summum bonum-Charles good sense, that they went abroad with. Lillie to be taken notice of-Short face a As on the contrary, there are great num-relief to envy--Redundancies in the three bers of travelled ladies who have lived all professions-King Latinus a recruit-Jew their days within the smoke of London. I devouring a ham of bacon-Westminsterhave known a woman that never was out of abbey-Grand Cairo-Procrastinationthe parish of St. James's betray as many April fools-Blue boars, red lions, hogs in foreign fopperies in her carriage, as she armour-Enter a King and two Fiddlers could have gleaned up in half the countries solus-Admission into the Ugly Clubof Europe. C. Beauty how improveable-Families of true and false humour-The parrot's schoolmistress-Face half Pict half British-No Monday, April 23, 1711. man to be a hero of a tragedy under six Non bene junctarum discordia semina rerum. feet-Club of sighers-Letters from flowerOvid, Met. Lib. i. ver. 8. thunder-The bell rings to the puppetpots, elbow-chairs, tapestry, figures, lion, The jarring seeds of ill-concerted things. WHEN I want materials for this paper, to a smock-faced boy-My next coat to be show-Old woman with a beard married it is my custom to go abroad in quest of turned up with blue-Fable of tongs and game; and when I meet any proper sub-gridiron--Flower dyers-The Soldier's ject, I take the first opportunity of setting prayer-Thank ye for nothing, says the down a hint upon paper. time I look into the letters of my corres- den clocks to them-Bamboos, cudgels, At the same galley-pot-Pactolus in stockings with golpondents, and if I find any thing suggested drum-sticks-Slip of my lady's eldest in them that may afford matter of specula-daughter-The black mare with a star in tion, I likewise enter a minute of it in my her forehead-The barber's pole-Will collection of materials. By this means I Honeycomb's coat-pocket-Cæsar's behafrequently carry about me a whole sheet-viour and my own in parallel circumstances ful of hints, that would look like a rhap--Poen in patch-work-Nulli gravis est sody of nonsense to any body but myself. percussus Achilles-The female conventiThere is nothing in them but obscurity and cler-The ogle-master.

No.46.]

No. 47.]

THE SPECTATOR.

The reading of this paper made the whole coffee-house very merry; some of them concluded it was written by a madman; and others by somebody that had been taking notes out of the Spectator. One who had the appearance of a very substantial citizen, told us, with several political winks and nods, that he wished there was no more in the paper than was expressed in it: that for his part, he looked upon the dromedary, the gridiron, and the barber's pole to signify something more than what was usually meant by those words: and that he thought the coffee-man could not do better than to carry the paper to one of the secretaries of state. He further added, that he did not like the name of the outlandish man with the golden clock in his stockings. A young Oxford scholar, who chanced to be with his uncle at the coffee

house, discovered to us who this Pactolus was; and by that means turned the whole scheme of this worthy citizen into ridicule. While they were making their several conjectures upon this innocent paper, I reached out my arm to the boy as he was coming out of the pulpit, to give it me; which he did accordingly. This drew the eyes of the whole company upon me; but after having cast a cursory glance over it, and shook my head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of match, and lighted my pipe with it. My profound silence, together with the steadiness of my countenance, and the gravity of my

beha

viour during this whole transaction, raised a very loud laugh on all sides of me; but as I had escaped all suspicion of being the author, I was very well satisfied, and applying myself to my pipe and the Postman, took no further notice of any thing that had passed about me.

ner, unless when the preacher is to be at it.
With him come a tribe, all brothers and
sisters it seems; while others really such,
are deemed no relations. If at any time ĺ
have her company alone, she is a mere
sermon pop-gun, repeating and discharg-
ing texts, proofs, and applications, so per-
petually, that however weary I may go to
bed, the noise in my head will not let me
sleep till towards morning. The misery
of my case, and great numbers of such suf-
ferers, plead your pity and speedy relief;
otherwise must expect, in a little time, to
be lectured, preached, and prayed into
'R. G.'
want, unless the happiness of being sooner
talked to death prevent it. I am, &c.

The second letter, relating to the ogling-
master, runs thus:

'MR. SPECTATOR,---I am an Irish gentleman that have travelled many years for have accomplished myself in the whole my improvement; during which time I art of ogling, as it is at present_practised in the polite nations of Europe. Being thus qualified, I intend, by the advice of my friends, to set up for an ogling-master. I teach the church-ogle in the morning, and the play-house ogle by candle-light. I have also brought over with me a new flying ogle fit for the ring; which I teach in the day, by darkening one of my windows. the dusk of the evening, or in any hour of I have a manuscript by me called The show you on any occasion. In the mean time Complete Ogler, which I shall be ready to beg you will publish the substance of this letter in an advertisement, and you will very much oblige, Yours, &c.'

I

No. 47.] Tuesday, April 24, 1711.
Ride si sapis-
Laugh, if you are wise.

Mart.

C.

My reader will find, that I have already made use of above half the contents of the MR. HOBBS,* in his Discourse of Human foregoing paper: and will easily suppose, that those subjects which are yet untouched, were such provisions as I had made for Nature, which, in my humble opinion, is his future entertainment. But as I have much the best of all his works, after some been unluckily prevented by this accident, very curious observations upon laughter, I shall only give him the letters which re- concludes thus: The passion of laughter lated to the two last hints. The first of is nothing else but sudden glory arising them I should not have published, were I from some sudden conception of some eminot informed that there is many a hus- nency in ourselves, by comparison with band who suffers very much in his private the infirmity of others, or with our own affairs by the indiscreet zeal of such a part-formerly; for men laugh at the follies of ner as is hereafter mentioned; to whom I may apply the barbarous inscription quoted by the Bishop of Salisbury in his travels; Dum nimis pia est facta est impia:?Through too much piety she became impious.'

SO

SIR,---I am one of those unhappy men that are plagued with a gospel-gossip, common among dissenters (especially friends.) Lectures in the morning, churchmeetings at noon, and preparation sermons at night, take up so much of her time, it is very rare she knows what we have for din11

themselves past, when they come suddenly to remembrance, except they bring with them any present dishonour.'

According to this author, therefore, when of saying he is very merry, we ought to tell we hear a man laugh excessively, instead him he is very proud. And indeed, if we

"He is commonly Thomas Hobbs of Malmsbury. represented," says Granger, "as a sceptic in religion, and a dogmatist in philosophy; but he was a dog. matist in both

The main principles of his Leviathan

in mathematical demonstration." He died in 1679, at are as little founded in moral or evangelical truth, as the rules he has laid down for squaring the circle are the advanced age of 92.

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look into the bottom of this matter, we | every body takes it into his head to make
shall meet with many observations to con-
firm us in this opinion. Every one laughs
at somebody that is in an inferior state of
folly to himself. It was formerly the cus-
tom for every great house in England to
keep a tame fool dressed in petticoats, that
the heir of the family might have an op-
portunity of joking upon him, and diverting
himself with his absurdities. For the
same reason, idiots are still in request in
most of the courts of Germany, where
there is not a prince of any great magnifi-
cence, who has not two or three dressed,
distinguished, undisputed fools in his reti-
nue, whom the rest of the courtiers are
always breaking their jests upon.

The Dutch, who are more famous for their industry and application, than for wit and humour, hang up in several of their streets what they call the sign of the Gaper, that is, the head of an idiot dressed in a cap and bells, and gaping in a most immoderate manner. This is a standing jest at Amsterdam.

Thus every one diverts himself with
some person or other that is below him in
point of understanding, and triumphs in the
superiority of his genius, whilst he has
such objects of derision before his eyes.
Mr. Dennis has very well expressed this
in a couple of humorous lines, which are
part of a translation of a satire in Monsieur
Boileau:

Thus one fool lolls his tongue out at another,
And shakes his empty noddle at his brother.'
Mr. Hobbs's reflection gives us the rea-
son why the insignificant people above-
mentioned are stirrers-up of laughter
among men of a gross taste: but as the
more understanding part of mankind do
not find their risibility affected by such or-
dinary objects, it may be worth the while
to examine into the several provocatives of
laughter, in men of superior sense and
knowledge.

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In the first place I must observe, that there is a set of merry drolls, whom the common people of all countries admire, and seem to love so well, that they could eat them;' according to the old proverb: I mean those circumforaneous wits whom every nation calls by the name of that dish of meat which it loves best: in Holland they are termed Pickled Herrings; in France, Jean Pottage; in Italy, Macaronies; and in Great Britain, Jack Puddings. These merry wags, from whatsoever food they receive their titles, that they may make their audiences laugh, always appear in a fool's coat, and commit such blunders and mistakes in every step they take, and every word they utter, as those who listen to them would be ashamed of.

But this little triumph of the understanding under the disguise of laughter, is no where more visible than in that custom which prevails every where among us on the first day of the present month, when

as many fools as he can. In proportion as there are more follies discovered, so there is more laughter raised on this day than on any other in the whole year. A neighbour of mine, who is a haberdasher by trade, and a very shallow conceited fellow, makes his boast that for these ten years successively he has not made less than a hundred April fools. My landlady had a falling out with him about a fortnight ago, for sending every one of her children upon some sleeveless errand, as she terms it. Her eldest son went to buy a half-pennyworth of inkle at a shoemaker's; the eldest daughter was despatched half a mile to see a monster, and, in short, the whole family of innocent children made April fools. Nay, my landlady herself did not escape him. This empty fellow has laughed upon these conceits ever since.

This art of wit is well enough, when confined to one day in a twelvemonth: but there is an ingenious tribe of men sprung up of late years, who are for making April fools every day in the year. These gentlemen are commonly distinguished by the name of Biters: a race of men that are perpetually employed in laughing at those mistakes which are of their own production.

Thus we see, in proportion as one man is more refined than another, he chooses his fool out of a lower or higher class of mankind, or to speak in a more philosophical language, that secret elation or pride of heart, which is generally called laughter, arises in him, from his comparing himself with an object below him, whether it so happens that it be a natural or an artificial fool. It is, indeed, very possible, that the persons we laugh at may in the main of their characters be much wiser men than ourselves; but if they would have us laugh at them, they must fall short of us in those respects which stir up this passion.

I am afraid I shall appear too abstracted in my speculations, if I show, that when a man of wit makes us laugh, it is by betraying some oddness or infirmity in his own character, or in the representation which he makes of others; and that when we laugh at a brute, or even at an inanimate thing, it is at some action or incident that bears a remote analogy to any blunder or absurdity in reasonable creatures.

But to come into common life: I shall pass by the consideration of those stage coxcombs that are able to shake a whole audience, and take notice of a particular sort of men who are such provokers of mirth in conversation, that it is impossible for a club or merry meeting to subsist without them; I mean those honest gentlemen that are always exposed to the wit and raillery of their well-wishers and companions; that are pelted by men, women, and children, friends and foes, and, in a word, stand as butts in conversation, for every

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No. 48.1

THE SPECTATOR.

April 17.

one to shoot at that pleases. I know several | taken all possible pains to acquire the face of these butts who are men of wit and sense, in which I shall present her to your conthough by some odd turn of humour, some sideration and favour. I am, gentlemen, "THE SPECTator. unlucky cast in their person or behaviour, your most obliged humble servant, 'P. S. I desire to know whether you adthey have always the misfortune to make the company merry. The truth of it is, a man is not qualified for a butt, who has mit people of quality.' not a good deal of wit and vivacity, even in 'MR. SPECTATOR,-To show you there the ridiculous side of his character. A stuare among us of the vain weak sex, some pid butt is only fit for the conversation of ordinary people: men of wit require one that have honesty and fortitude enough to that will give them play, and bestir him- dare to be ugly, and willing to be thought self in the absurd part of his behaviour. A so, I apply myself to you, to beg your inbutt with these accomplishments frequent-terest and recommendation to the Ugly ly gets the laugh of his side, and turns the Club. If my own word will not be taken ridicule upon him that attacks him. Sir (though in this case a woman's may) I can John Falstaff was a hero of this species, bring credible witnesses of my qualifications and gives a good description of himself in for their company, whether they insist upon his capacity of a butt, after the following manner: Men of all sorts,' says that merry The knight, take a pride to gird at me. brain of man is not able to invent any thing that tends to laughter more than I invent, I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other

or is invented on me.

men.

Give breez

No. 48.] Wednesday, April 25, 1711.

C.

-Per multas aditum, sibi sæpe figuras
Ovid, Met. xiv. 652.
Repperit-
Through various shapes he often finds access.

My correspondents take it ill if I do not, from time to time, let them know I have received their letters. The most effectual way will be to publish some of them that are upon important subjects; which I shall introduce with a letter of my own that I writ a fortnight ago to a fraternity who thought fit to make me an honorary member.

• To the President and Fellows of the Ugly Club.

hair, forehead, eyes, cheeks, or chin; to
which I must add, that I find it easier to
lean to my left side, than to my right. I
hope I am in all respects agreeable, and
for humour and mirth, I will keep up to the
pretend to is, that as I am the first woman
president himself. All the favour I will
who has appeared desirous of good company
and agreeable conversation, I may take and
keep the upper end of the table. And in-
deed I think they want a carver, which I
can be, after as ugly a manner as they could
wish. I desire your thoughts of my claim
as soon as you can. Add to my features the
length of my face, which is full half-yard;
though I never knew the reason of it till
you gave one for the shortness of yours. If
I knew a name ugly enough to belong to
the above described face, I would feign one;
but, to my unspeakable misfortune, my
name is the only disagreeable prettiness
about me; so prythee make one for me that
understand Latin, but be sure bring it in
signifies all the deformity in the world. You
your most frightful admirer, and servant,
'HECATISSA.'
with my being, in the sincerity of my heart,

'MR. SPECTATOR,—I read your discourse 'MAY IT PLEASE YOUR DEFORMITIES, 'I have received the notification of the honour you have done me, in admitting me upon affectation, and from the remarks made into your society. I acknowledge my want in it, examined my own heart so strictly, of merit, and for that reason shall endea- that I thought I had found out its most sevour at all times to make up my own fail-cret avenues, with a resolution to be aware ures, by introducing and recommending to of them for the future. But, alas! to my the club persons of more undoubted qualifications than I can pretend to. I shall next week come down in the stage-coach, in order to take my seat at the board; and shall bring with me a candidate of each sex. The persons I shall present to you, are an old beau and a modern Pict. If they are not so eminently gifted by nature as our assembly expects, give me leave to say their acquired ugliness is greater than any that has ever appeared before you. The beau has varied his dress every day of his life for these thirty years past, and still added to the deformity he was born with. The Pict has still greater merit towards us, and has, ever since she came to years of discretion, deserted the handsome party, and

sorrow I now understand that I have se-
veral follies which I do not know the root
of. I am an old fellow, and extremely
troubled with the gout; but having always
a strong vanity towards being pleasing in
the eyes of women, I never have a mo-
ment's ease, but I am mounted in high-heeled
shoes, with a glazed wax-leather instep.
Two days after a severe fit, I was invited
to a friend's house in the city, where I be-
lieved I should see ladies; and with my
usual complaisance, crippled myself to wait
upon them. A very sumptuous table, agree-
able company, and kind reception, were but
so many importunate additions to the tor-
ments I was in. A gentleman of the family
observed my condition; and soon after the

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