May 7. I feel impatient with myself, I am so unlike Jesus, and make so little progress in conformity to him, though surrounded with precious means. Lord, lay to thy hand, that only can bring salvation; and, O, let me enter into a fuller rest, sink into Christ, dwell in his wounds, be held in his heart, and lean on his bosom. O deliver me in heart and affection entirely from this scene of folly and sin: enable me to maintain a holy indifference to its smiles and frowns. I feel a painful regret that I have done little for God to-day. O deliver me from inactivity. 15. Endeavoured to spend some hours in the public worship of God, in what is termed by some a watch night. How reasonable is it, or rather what a privilege, sometimes to lengthen out our devotions; how much for the Christian's comfort and profit. How much time does the worldling spend to amass things that perish even in the using! How many hours will the drunkard give to his cups, the pleasure-taker to his amusements: and shall not the Christian, whose object is so much more glorious, be allowed at times also to exceed the usual limits prescribed for worshipping God? "Who shall prescribe a law to those that love ?" July 2. Many opportunities occurred to-day for the benefit of others, which I attempted to use. O God, withhold not thy blessing. Do thou remarkably bestow it upon the school opened in thy name: may many souls be brought to a knowledge of thyself in it. O God, we dedicate it unto thee; bless it, and it shall be blessed. 6. Enjoyed more life and composure of spirit in morning devotion. Åt ten, went to the house of God, where I was both disappointed and grieved. First, by finding the word attended with no power; and secondly, by observing the minister at much more pains to inculcate opinions, than to enforce the necessity of a change of heart, and a life of devotion to God. I cannot think that this controversial manner and method of preaching is the most likely way, either to awaken the unconverted, or to stir up Christians to press on for greater degrees of conformity to the mind and will of Christ. When it is much practised, I should be apt to fear the heart is not deeply impressed with a sense of divine things. August 14. Since my last noting in writing the Lord's dealings with my soul, I have been confined by bodily affliction; in the course of it I experienced much languor upon my animal spirits, and also a degree of spiritual stupor. Before I was taken ill, I enjoyed much fervour of spirit; every nerve felt on the stretch for God, breathing constantly and ardently after the knowledge of his will in all things, and for power to do and suffer it. I never had seen it in such an amiable light; I felt willing to sacrifice all in order to attain. But, alas! how little did I know myself When he showed me he willed my afflic tion of body and mind, I shrunk back, unwilling to drink the bitter cup. He has again in a measure restored my bodily health; but still I feel a languor upon my spirits, and am to my own apprehension not so much on the stretch for God. I believe this is partly owing to my nervous system being greatly debilitated. 29. Saughton-hall. Was enabled to embrace the opportunities which offered to-day, both for giving and receiving profit, and found them comfortable. It seems as my meat and drink to act for God. In the evening, I attempted to bring some to the knowledge of God, by having the gospel preached to them in the house they flocked to hear, and the word seemed to fall with power on some. I felt this attempt to do good attended with much inward opposition, but afterward enjoyed much comfort and strength of soul. : September 6. Felt life and power in family prayer this morning. Of late the Lord gives me more comfort in this duty than formerly. He enables me to enter into the spirit of prayer, and to feel what I say. It was at first a great cross to pray in my family, but now I see it is a great privilege, and would not give it up on any account. How often do I kneel cold and lifeless, and in a moment he quickens and comforts me. the Lord, O my soul! Bless 8. When I take a retrospective view of this day, it appears as a blank, because I have done nothing for God; though I do not know that I have neglected any opportunity : but I long to be all for him; continually employed for him. Many of the children of God are surprised at this language; they think it not necessary to be thus employed; that the Lord does not require it of us. I see it both necessary and a great privilege; I find it quickens my own soul; and that in proportion as I am alive myself, I am desirous for the salvation of others. I am firmly persuaded that continually attempting to fill up all our time with and for God, is the way to have our peace flow as a river, and our righteousness to be as the waves of the sea. This I speak from experience, and think on such a subject the strongest arguments may be derived from thence. At the same time, I feel fully convinced that salvation, from beginning to end, is all of grace. I bless God, I feel no desire but to build my hopes upon Christ. My heart deceives me much if I am what some call an Arminian in that point: though I believe most people do Arminius injustice herein. I think it is others, not he, who build salvation on a mere moral plan: but, be that as it may, I leave him and all others to stand or fall to their own Master; what I want is, the possession of every blessing Christ has purchased for sinners. 12. Proved to-day how unprofitable it is to dispute upon the things of God. It is seldom attended with sweetness of spirit; and what truth is there against which there is not a pos sibility of raising some objection? But is this the most excellent way? Let us be satisfied that we are born of God, and then we have His promise who cannot lie: “They shall be taught of God." My faith, hitherto, has not stood on the wisdom of man, but in the power of Him who cannot err. Upon my first turning to the Lord, I was soon aware of the distraction and bitterness of spirit which prevailed among many otherwise good people; owing to the variety of opinions which they had respectively embraced. This made me determine that God, and not man, should teach me. I therefore gave myself up to him, and entreated that he would, by his word and Spirit, lead me into all truth: not only into those principles absolutely necessary to be believed; but also into matters of less consequence, that are most for his glory and the profit of my own soul. This request I often repeated, and have since found the benefit of it. It has kept me from holding any man's person in undue admiration; and, of consequence, from implicitly following any. What had been written by different authors on both sides the question, I endeavoured to read with caution, and received nothing but upon satisfactory evidence. I find both safety and comfort in neither reading books, nor conversing with any person, without immediate application to the Lord, that I may receive nothing from either, but what is agreeable to his holy will. October 9. My unfaithfulness yesterday stirred me up to attempt greater vigilance to-day, and the Lord gave me opportunity and power; and much sweetness and strength, as usual, immediately followed my feeble efforts. O how desirable it is to do the will of God! I sometimes think being allowed to do this is reward enough, though I should not see any of the fruit of my labours; but he is very gracious in condescending to show, at times, that my attempts are not always in vain. I do desire to glorify him this by far proves the strongest stimulative to duty, and I think increases so as almost to supersede all other motives. For some days past, I have felt the deepest convictions of my helplessness, and inability to do any thing but as I am every moment assisted; and from thence has sprung deep gratitude to God for the gospel plan of salvation. It is well for me that I am to be saved by grace; for I am nothing, have nothing, and can do nothing. The Lord often causes me to dwell upon my own imperfections, follies, and miscarriages; makes me sensible what a poor, wretched, miserable, comfortless creature I should have been, if left to the efforts of nature; and this makes me admire his bounty and goodness to me. But, notwithstanding this, I feel pride; I am far from that deep humility which flows from a thorough knowledge of ourselves. O, how dull a disciple I am! how often do I need to be reproved for the same fault! O for power in all things, and at all times, to do the will of my God. I look for this:-this is the perfection I aim at. It is the highest idea I can form of happiness; the most refined and exalted enjoyment of which I have any conception;-living every moment in the spirit of sacrifice; feeling my will sweetly flowing with his! but this the power of divine grace alone can effect. My Jesus, what endless praises are due to thee, who hast purchased this great salvation; also to the eternal Spirit who applies it; and to trace it up to the fountain head, to the ever blessed Father, who planned it in the councils of eternity. All glory, honour, and praise to the triune God. 22. I seem to grow worse instead of better. O that I might believe this apprehension was occasioned by increasing light. I would not flatter myself, I wish to know the worst. Show me, Lord, as I can bear it, the depth of my depravity; but let me also prove the utmost power of thy transforming grace. Wretched as I am, I still thirst for the glory of God and the salvation of my fellow creatures; and would wish, if strengthened, to do or suffer any thing to procure both. Yet, in spite of this constant ardour, I have continual need to be stirred up to greater activity in the ways of God. I find a propensity to sink into a supine spirit: this, I believe, is in part occasioned by a weak body, together with a delicate nervous system and a natural inclination to solitude. Yet I think this last is well nigh conquered, by a strong desire to do all the good I can while in this vale of tears; though herem I am circumscribed within very narrow limits. Were my abilities equal to my desires, my acts of beneficence would be diffusive as the rays of the sun, and numerous as the sands upon the seashore. Dec. 18th. I bless the Lord he has increased my communion with himself to-day. I found it sweet, yea, seemed drawn by divine attraction, to leave the creature, in order to enjoy my God by prayer and meditation; while a sensible communication seemed opened between my soul and the invisible world. What shall I render unto the Lord for all his goodness! Alas, how inadequate are my returns of gratitude, love, zeal, or activity. I have much cause to blush and be ashamed, and also to lament that my progress in sanctification is so small. In the evening read a sermon on the privilege of believers, especially in their communion with Christ. It proved a time of refreshing, a season of love; my views were clear; my faith, love, and gratitude were increased; while the Lord clearly showed me that all this through grace was mine. "O wondrous grace, O boundless love!" At night, while reading the noble testimony which many of old bore to the truth, both by their life and death, my soul felt more drawn out than for a long time, for the whole salvation of God. I seemed to mount up on the wings of strong desire. I had grieved for many weeks for the want of this blessing. Since the middle of July last, when I was seized with a severe illness, I seemed in a great measure to lose it: I thought I had never fully recovered it, yet my enjoyment, as to the comforts of religion, have been greater than they were even then. O what cause have I to praise the Lord, that since I came here, hardly a day has passed in which he has not given me a special token of his love, together with peace in believing. Indeed, he has never suffered me to give up my confidence since the happy day he blessed me with it. Once or twice, for a day or two, soon after I obtained peace, my evidences seemed a little clouded, which threw me into a great distress; but the Lord, who has abounded in all goodness to me, soon returned to me what I had lost; so that these tossings seemed permitted, in order to fix me more solidly on the Rock of ages. "O what shall I do my Saviour to praise!" CHAPTER VI.—1771. Lady Maxwell's diary continued. Jan. 16. My communion with God and his dear Son has been delightful for some days past; O to have it without those interruptions to which it has hitherto been subject! Could I receive an opinion embraced by many, my distress on this account would not be so great-which is, that God withdraws from the souls of his people without any offence given on their part. From the Scriptures, I think it rather appears to be their privilege to enjoy constant communion with him. In John xiv, 23, he seems to promise it: "If a man love me he will keep my words; and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him." In all the places of the Old Testament I recollect at present, sin is by God assigned as the only cause of punishing his people, or of keeping back from them any good thing: but in this, as in all things, I would wish to be open to conviction. I desire to bless his holy name, that, though I feel a difference as it respects the degrees of communion I enjoy, yet he never takes from me the witness of his blessed Spirit. O what cause for praise. In the evening felt access to God in prayer, and power to make my wants known to him. Feb. 11. Heard a profitable sermon on Rom. viii, 32. Toward the end, when the minister addressed himself to the children of God, I felt a sweet consciousness of being one of them. This was immediately followed by an anxious, earnest desire, to be entirely devoted to him; and a painful conviction of my shortcoming. I deired to be in secret, that I might pour out my heart to God but when I got by myself, found a want of holy violence in prayer. Lord, let me not rest short of being wholly given up to thee. I see this at a distance, and O how much is |