CHAPTER X.-1775. Diary continued. January 13. This day, though much employed with God, I was much grieved with hardness of heart and unbelief. My heart would still pant after full communion with God; this only can satisfy my soul, but, O my faith is greatly tried by the accomplishment of the promises being so long delayed. I see, both from the word of God and the experience of Christians in all ages, that this has generally been the case: they have been tried to the uttermost, before the Lord performed what he had spoken; especially when he was about to do any great work, either in them or by them. Yet I am very impatient. Hope deferred maketh my heart sick. The trial of my faith is both precious and profitable; but it is also very painful: surely the blessing will be sweet, and very permanent, when it does come. Through the whole of this day I was tempted to relinquish hope, and was ready to say, I shall never see the fulfilment of the promises. This was my infirmity, and though the Lord suffered me to cry long, yet at last he applied to my mind a comfortable passage to quiet my fears, and to strengthen my faith: "And a man shall be as a hiding place from the wind, and a covert from the tempest: as rivers of water in a dry place; as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land." Delightful words; I have often experienced them true. Jesus hath been very precious to me, and clear of the eye of faith. Temporal things were also distressing to me. I had cried much to the Lord, and had ohtained no answer, which greatly discouraged me; my hands were hanging down, and my knees waxing feeble: but concerning this, also, his word brought relief: "I have been with thee in six troubles, and will not leave thee in the seventh." How great is his goodness! O Lord, when wilt thou enable me to make some small return, by loving thee with all my heart? O why dost thou keep a poor soul so long at such a painful distance from thee a soul that so ardently desires, and so constantly pants, for uninterrupted communion with thee; for power to walk with thee like Enoch of old. O have compassion on me, and bring me near. 22. (Sunday.) I have endured much anguish of spirit for some time. My heart, has been as it were, wrung within me through the cruel power of unbelief; I mean, as it relates to the accomplishment of precious promises. With respect to my interest in Jesus, I bless the Father of mercies there is no uncertainty on this subject: all is clear, and Jesus is in my heart the constant hope of glory. But this cannot suffice; yet it ought, I think, to afford me more comfort than I seem willing to receive. Like the children of Israel, the bondage of corruption and unbe lief is so galling, I cannot, through anguish of spirit, listen to any thing comfortable: Satan, also, is permitted to sift me as wheat; hitherto the Lord has prayed for me, else I had utterly failed. Yet, I have cause to sing of mercy, as well as of judgment. Notwithstanding my variegated distresses, the Lord hath brought many gracious promises, with peculiar force and sweetness, to my remembrance, both as it concerns myself and some of my near relations. O how thankful ought I to be: but, alas! my distress is so great, I fail much in this delightful duty. My heart feels more and more emptied of things below, they grow very insipid. This spiritual circumcision is truly painful, but I believe very necessary for the soul that would be entirely devoted to God. I wait for God-my soul doth wait; yea, in the midst of my distress it pants for him. I cannot live at this distance. I would fain hope rest and deliverance are at hand; matters appear to be approaching to a crisis. O that it might be now!-speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth. February 1. Enjoyed precious means of grace to-day, which were in a measure profitable. My heart panted after more of God, yet I met with a trial which felt severe. I was tempted to evil tempers; but enjoyed power to look to Jesus, and was delivered they obtained no place in my heart. I never so clearly perceived the difference between temptation and sin. It made Jesus precious to my soul as a strong deliverer. : 4. Found power to abide in prayer this morning. I felt several times as if inwardly warned to expect that something painful was about to happen; but I did not enough regard the secret intimation; and, therefore, did not arm myself as I ought to have done by prayer. When the trial came, I was hurried and unprepared, and did not, as usual, cry for the Lord's presence and direction, and I smarted for my folly and unfaithfulness. After it was begun, a horror scemed to seize my spirit. I then feared my foes, and looked to the Lord for help. He was gracious, and enabled me to cleave to himself, as a girdle to the loins of a man. By faith, I saw Him that is invisible, and my soul felt sweetly and sensibly anchored within the veil. O how good is it to have Jesus for our friend in the time of trial, and to find him near for our assistance ! -21. For some mornings, as soon as I awoke, my thoughts have sprung up to the beloved of my soul; and he has felt very nigh, and my hold of him strong. Lately, I find most power to enjoy communion with God in meditation, in conversing with others on spiritual subjects, in reading, and in ejaculatory prayer. Was enabled to-day, in some measure, to be faithful to God, though at the risk of losing the favour of man. Lord, make me more faithful. Have lately enjoyed more power to feed upon the promises; they are very sweet, and my faith in them rather -increases. 24. A day of great indisposition of body, and much faintness in my spirit. None living have a greater call than I have to improve the moments of health allowed me; for when sick I seem quite laid aside. O my God, give me power, and grace to use that power, to live much in the time of health. But I would fain live alike to thee in sickness, as when in health. I find it more easy to do than to suffer the will of God. In all things let thy will take place in me. O subdue all things in me to thyself. Let me delight myself in thee, and to thee commit all my ways. 25. The Lord has in mercy raised me up again. O that I may be more than ever devoted to my God. A degree of languor through the day overspread my soul, yet I felt more of the spirit of devotion, more desire to call on God, and a greater relish for spiritual things. In this I differ from many others, for most people speak as if they were most serious when most afflicted; but, on the contrary, I feel most alive to God when I enjoy the largest measure of health. March 7. For some time, I have enjoyed a more intimate intercourse and deeper acquaintance with Jesus. Attempting frequently to make a full surrender of my heart to him, has proved a most delightful exercise; and he has, on every such attempt, felt just at hand, and willing to receive it. This has been attended with a present reward. But while engaged in this delightful exercise to-day, Satan tempted me in an uncommon manner; yet that is no reason why I should desist. Outward trials are rather fewer than usual, and those which remain I am enabled to give up to God. 17. I feel much discouraged with the remains of a body of sin and death, with the sins of my family, and of the place where I live. On all these accounts, my hands are hanging down. Indeed most things seem to wear a gloomy aspect. As a nation, there are wars and rumours of wars as a church, we are torn by factions, parties, prejudices, and diversities of opinions among those of us who are in any degree serious;-others, and, alas! the greater part, care for none of these things, but are at ease in Zion; as individuals, much carnality, worldly mindedness, and insensibility prevail. Will not the Lord be avenged on such a nation as this? What reason have we to fear that the gospel will be taken from us, and sent to a people more deserving of it? O Lord, in the midst of deserved wrath remember mercy! Yet it 19. (Sunday.) This morning the Lord turned my captivity. I had no remarkable joy, but a heavenly sweetness diffused through my mind, and all uneasy solicitude was fled. seemed a different enjoyment from what I experienced last week. Jesus then appeared clear to the eye of my faith, as much so as any material object could do to the eye of the body; but now I have no such particular view. It was a sweet peace in general, with an increase of spiritual life. This continued all the afternoon, especially till I went to the table of the Lord. Satan often attempted to disturb it, but was not permitted; though he had laid a snare for me of which I was not aware. I fear I did not altogether escape, but I cried to the Lord, and appealed to him that what I had done was in the integrity of my heart, and he had mercy on me. There is danger on every hand. I had many petitions to offer up to the Lord at his table, and I do hope they were registered above, and will be answered. Immediately after communicating, I felt a decrease of spiritual enjoyment, and my indisposition of body returned: but still I enjoyed, through the whole of the day, a measure of what I received in the morning. April 7. Since my last I have experienced many trials and many changes. Sometimes flushed with hopes of speedy deliverance, and then I went on comfortably: at other times I have sunk down under discouragements, fearing I should have to continue long struggling with my enemies; this never fails to weaken my hands. My health has been very precarious, and this also has tended to depress me. All must enter the kingdom through much tribulation: it is a piece of necessary discipline; it helps to humble, and to keep humble, our naturally proud hearts. Even Jesus learned obedience by the things which he suffered : shall I then complain? Lord, I do not, neither dare I ask any exemption from suffering; but I may entreat for power to be able to glorify thee in the fires. O hear me in this thing, then shall I patiently submit to all thy righteous will. Yet, in the midst of trials, I am not left comfortless; the Lord still blesses me with refreshing seasons; but nothing short of continual communion with God, and all that freedom from sin which Christ has purchased, can satisfy me. All this the Lord has promised, and must and will believe his word. 14. The Lord has given me a little reviving in my bondage. His mercy endureth for ever: he will not always chide; neither will he keep his anger for ever; he knows the spirit would fail before him, and the soul which he hath made. He is my chief good, the constant enjoyment which I desire :yet, amazing, how slow my progress in the pursuit of this eternal, supreme Good. Lord, do I not love thee above all? "Is there a thing beneath the sun, That strives with thee my heart to share? Then shall my heart from earth be free, My God has condescended wonderfully to comfort my distressed heart; to strengthen my faith in the promises, and my trust in his mercy and love; both are increased, O may they continue. By the cruel force of my spiritual adversaries; by the variety and continuance of outward trials; and by united and severe inward conflicts, I was indeed brought very low, and was driven to extremity. I listened too much to the enemy; looked too much at the temptations; and gave too much heed to carnal reasoning: all of which only tended to increase my distress. But my God had mercy on me; rebuked the enemy, and also gently reproved me. O Lord, I acknowledge the justice of the charge, and grieve for it. Do thou give me patience; for that, as well as every good gift, cometh from thee. O bestow it largely upon me; that, in the midst of sufferings, I may glorify thee. Having tasted that thou art good, how can I live at this painful distance ?my heart so cold, my faith so weak, my love so languid. O teach me, thou divine Teacher, the blessed art of every moment panting after full communion with thee; and yet without impatience, never murmuring at thy stay, nor wishing my sufferings less. 16. (Sunday) Had many opportunities to wait on the Lord in public, and did it with composure until the evening; but then the enemy endeavoured to distress me. I am, I believe, much too prone to judge of my state by my frames and feelings; and thereby, at times, draw false conclusions. I believe, would we ascertain the reality of our conversion, no inward feelings should in general be exclusively depended on: to these should be added decisive evidence in our outward conduct. Unquestionably the witness of God's Spirit with our spirit, as mentioned in Rom. viii, 16, is more satisfactory than any other single evidence; this I have :-but, to prevent mistake in such a momentous affair, it is also necessary that we have the outward fruit of the self-same Spirit. These together, if properly attended to, will ascertain clearly what state we are in. Lord, thou hast my heart, take it more fully: let it only beat for thee. O unfold more of thy saving beauty to my mind :-break with full blaze on my enraptured soul. 21. My God has remarkably appeared in my behalf, as it respects my charity school, about which I was in danger of being plunged into difficulties. From continued bad health, the teacher had given it up. I had no prospect of another, far less of one like-minded; and from this and other circumstances, I almost feared that I should be obliged to relinquish my benevolent plan. After repeated applications to the Lord, by myself and others, he enabled me to believe that the school would be provided for, and that he would be my guide, director, counsellor, my God, and my all. I was satisfied, though I had no particular person in view, only I strongly hoped that he would incline the heart of the present teacher to remain: accordingly, in a few days, he came and told me he could not think of going away, and had therefore refused a place of more profit and less |