mated speech on the affairs of the province. As every body knows what a glorious opportunity a governor, a president, or even an emperor has of drubbing his enemies in his speeches, messages, and bulletins, where he has the talk all on his own side, they may be sure the high-mettled William Kieft did not suffer so favourable an occasion to escape him, of evincing that gallantry of tongue common to all able legislators. Before he commenced, it is recorded that he took out his pocket handkerchief, and gave a very sonorous blast of the nose, according to the usual custom of great orators. This, in general, I believe, is intended as a signal trumpet, to call the attention of the auditors; but with William the Testy it boasted a more classic cause, for he had read of the singular expedient of that famous demagogue Caius Gracchus, who, when he harangued the Roman populace, modulated his tones by an oratorical flute or pitch-pipe.

This preparatory symphony being performed, he commenced by expressing an humble sense of his own want of talents, his utter unworthiness of the honour conferred upon him, and his humiliating incapacity to discharge the important duties of his new station; in short, he expressed so contemptible an opinion of himself, that many simple country members present, ignorant that these were mere words of course, always used on such occasions, were very uneasy, and even felt wrowth that he should accept an office for which he was consciously so inadequate.

He then proceeded in a manner highly classic, profoundly erudite, and nothing at all to the purpose; being nothing more than a pompous account of all the governments of ancient Greece, and the wars of Rome and Carthage, together with the rise and fall of sundry outlandish empires, about which the assembly knew no more than their great grandchildren who were yet unborn. Thus having, after the manner of your learned orators, convinced the audience that he was a man of many words and great erudition, he at length came to the less important part of his speech, the situ

ation of the province; and here he soon worked himself into a fearful rage against the Yankees, whom he compared to the Gauls who desolated Rome, and the Goths and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of Europe -nor did he forget to mention, in terms of adequate opprobrium, the insolence with which they had encroached upon the territories of New Netherlands, and the unparalleled audacity with which they had commenced the town of New-Plymouth, and planted the onion patches of Weathersfield under the very walls of Fort Good Hope.

Having thus artfully wrought up his tale of terror to a climax, he assumed a self-satisfied look, and declared, with a nod of knowing import, that he had taken measures to put a final stop to these encroachments-that he had been obliged to have recourse to a dreadful engine of warfare, lately invented, awful in its effects, but authorised by direful necessity. In a word, he was resolved to conquer the Yankees-by proclamation.

For this purpose he had prepared a tremendous instrument of the kind, ordering, commanding, and enjoining the intruders aforesaid forthwith to remove, depart, and withdraw from the districts, regions, and territories aforesaid, under the pain of suffering all the penalties, forfeitures, and punishments, in such case made and provided, &c. This proclamation, he assured them, would at once exterminate the enemy from the face of the country; and he pledged his valour as a governor, that within two months after it was published, not one stone should remain on another in any of the towns which they had built.

The council remained for some time silent after he had finished; whether struck dumb with admiration at the brilliancy of his project, or put to sleep by the length of his harangue, the history of the times doth not mention. Suffice it to say, they at length gave a general grunt of acquiescence; the proclamation was immediately despatched with due ceremony, having the great seal of the province, which was about the size of a buckwheat pancake, attached to it by a broad red rib

bond. Governor Kieft, having thus vented his indignation, felt greatly relieved-adjourned the council sine die-put on his cocked hat and corduroy small-clothes, and, mounting on a tall raw-boned charger, trotted out to his country seat, which was situated in a sweet, sequestered swamp, now called Dutch Street, but more commonly known by the name of Dog's Misery.

Here, like the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of legislation, taking lessons in government, not from the Nymph Ageria, but from the honoured wife of his bosom; who was one of that peculiar kind of females, sent upon earth a little before the flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind, and commonly known by the appellation of knowing women. In fact, my duty as an historian obliges me to make known a circumstance which was a great secret at the time, and consequently was not a subject of scandal at more than half the tea tables of New-Amsterdam, but which, like many other great secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of years; and this was, that the great Wilhelmus the Testy, though one of the most potent little men that ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a species of government neither laid down in Aristotle nor Plato; in short, it partook of the nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is familiarly denominated petticoat government. An absolute sway, which, though exceedingly common in these modern days, was very rare among the ancients, if we may judge from the rout made about the domestic economy of honest Socrates, which is the only ancient case on record.

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends, who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore points of the kind, by alleging that it was a government of his own election, to which he submitted through choice; adding at the same time a profound maxim which he had found in an ancient author, that "he who would aspire to govern, should first learn to obey."

M

TEA,

A POEM.

Earnestly recommended to the attention of all Maidens of a certain age.

OLD time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth
From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth;
Who, by constant attention and wily deceit,
For ever is coaxing some grace to retreat;
And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach,
The further indulged, will still further encroach.
Since this "thief of the world" has made off with your
bloom,

And left you some score of stale years in its roomHas deprived you of all those gay dreams, that would dance

In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance;
And has forced you almost to renounce in dispair
The hope of a husband's affection and care—
Since such is the case, and a case rather hard!
Permit one who holds you in special regard
To furnish such hints in your loveless estate
As may shelter your names from detraction and hate.
Too often our maidens, grown aged I ween,
Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen;

And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind,
Work off their resentment-by speaking their mind:
Assemble together in snuff-taking clan,

And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan.

A convention of tattling-a tea party hight,

Which, like meeting of witches, is brew'd up at night: Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of surprise,

With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise;

Like the broomstick whirl'd hags that appear in Macbeth,

Each bearing some relic of venom or death,

"To stir up the toil and to double the trouble, That fire may burn, and that caldron may bubble."

When the party commences, all starch'd and all glum, They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum: They will tell you of cambric, of ribands, of lace, How cheap they were sold-and will name you the place.

They discourse of their colds, and they hem, and they cough,

And complain of their servants to pass the time off; Or list to the tale of some doting mamma,

How her ten weeks old baby will laugh and say taa!

But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soulMore loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl, Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind, And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind.

'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount That flowed near the far-famed Parnassian mount, While the steam was inhaled of the sulphuric spring Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing; By its aid she pronounced the oracular will That Appollo commanded his sons to fulfil. But alas! the sad vestal, performing the rite, Appear'd like a demon-terrific to sight. E'en the priests of Appollo averted their eyes, And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, We return to the dames of the tea-pot once more.

In harmless chit-chat and acquaintance they roast, And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast, Some gentle faux pas, or some female mistake, Is like sweatmeats delicious, or relished as cake; A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first With a little affected good nature, and cry

66

Nobody regrets the thing deeper than I."