to forsake and ends by entreating her to help him in his efforts to become more worthy of such a wife. In fact, this shrewd deceiver practises the device known since Samuel Slick's time as soft sawder; and with such success, that, at the conclusion of the dialogue, Mrs Decastro, after accepting all the virtues he ascribes to her as a matter of course, retires into the drawing-room "with a face so full of smiles that you could not have stuck a pin in it anywhere without running it into a smirk." Mrs Decastro finds it extremely irksome to act up to the virtuous and self-denying character with which her cunning husband has endowed her, and hankers to return to the scene of her former splendour; for, as Old Crab says, "it is impossible to wash all the dirt out of a mud-wall." "The tables and chairs were now all set in their places at the castle, and everybody knew where to look for salt, and where to find the mustard: the old women were put to scrub floors and wash dishes; and when Mrs Decastro rang her bell, a butler, or a fine footman in a superb livery, made his appearance, and waited her commands: and as for Mr Decastro, his moulting time was over, and he looked sleek and spruce all in new feathers. Mrs Decastro had poked her nose, at least three times over, into every crack and corner of the castle, stared at the magnificent towers without, and the grand painted ceilings within, until her eyes ran with water. As soon as the newness of the old castle was a little rubbed off, Mrs Decastro began to grow restless in the midst of grandeur. What is the good of a fine thing, if one cannot show it to another? She began to want sadly to see company again, for here was no soul but Old Crab and his wife, and little Julia, her husband, the two boys, and young Genevieve. Poor woman! she was like to be moped to death and, what was worse, was afraid to own it, for her husband had plied her so closely with doses of adulation, that she was quite sick of her own virtues. Mrs Decastro had been blown into such high latitudes by her husband's praises, that she could have been glad at times to have got safe back again with all her heart she found it very troublesome to be very good and very excellent, and to be made a goddess; it put such a restraint upon her, that she was forced to be better than she used to be, at times, to save her credit, though she was willing to make her husband's words good, at as little expense as possible. She was ashamed to say she was dull at Oaken Grove, or show any discontent, because such a sensible woman as she was, forsooth, had too many resources in herself to stand in need of those toys, playthings, and fiddle-faddles that took up the time and attention of women of inferior minds-she would not have gone to a ball, if she had come within hearing of the fiddles, not she--no she was put far above all such giddy childish trifles; she was made too wise to regard these things; she was not as other women were; she had put her sex under her feet; she had too much vanity not to be very good, too much pride not to be a piece of excellence. Now she could have been very glad to have got all these fine things for nothing, but the pity of it is that the finer everything is the more it unluckily costs us. Mrs Decastro could have been glad enough to have stood above others, and kept the precedence which her husband gave her, but she did not, and for this reason, viz. because she could not. Some good, however, came of those evil means which Old Crab condemned; she took it into her head to come to church to shore up the reputation of being both wise and good, since the wisest and best people of all ages have ever been the most religious.-Mr Decastro was got at his old work one day, making his wife some fine compliments, when, having had tickling enough to serve for once, she put a finger into one of her husband's button-holes, and, hooking him to her, spoke as follows: My dear, your brother Bat said in his sermon last Sunday, that it was very wicked to have store of good things and keep all to ourselves. This was certainly intended as a hint to us who have store of good things and keep all to ourselves. pleasures and amusements of the giddy Now in regard to the and the loose, you very well know how much I am above them, and how little I set by them, but charity for bids that we should have much and none be the better, for so your brother Bat held forth in the pulpit. have magnificent rooms, but nobody comes into them. We have cellars full of fine wines, but nobody comes to taste a glass. We have a grand park full of fine deer, but nobody comes to eat a bit of venison. We have a train of fine footmen, that are paid to view their persons in the looking-glasses. We We have a butler and an under-butler that have nothing to do: things standing in this posture, what are we doing but wasting those things which others would be happy to partake in the enjoyment of? What is avarice but the worst sort of waste? What is griping all to oneself but avarice? What is charity but a distribution? What is generosity but calling our friends about us, and tasting the good things which heaven has given us together? What is charity but a duty? What generosity but a virtue? If I am to live in the middle of a great wood here, I must beg to make a few conditions.' Name them,' quoth Mr Decastro. 6 A few friends,' quoth sheGranted,' quoth he. That the boys be bred in the world,' quoth she 'Hum,' quoth he. The boys are young at present, but when birds-nesting time is over with them, what can they find to friend's house, though it be in London, do in a wood ?- If I am invited to a I must have leave of absence for two or three months in a year. " Granted,' quoth he. Four horses to my carriage.' Granted,' quoth he. 'Be allowed the same for pin-money as usual.' 'Granted,' quoth he. 'Well, but the boys,' quoth she. 'What of the boys?' quoth he. Send them to a public school,' quoth she. Send them to the devil,' quoth he. 'The devil will find them out in private, as well as in public,' quoth she. Hum,' quoth he, and Hah!' quoth Old Crab, who had just come into the room unobserved; you have set up your wife for an idol, so come down upon your knees and worship her, you great blockhead!' 'You will run all risks of my taking your advice?' said Mr Decastro to his wife. 'I will,' quoth she-all the merit of the thing, if it turn out well, being mine. And all the blame,' quoth he, if the thing turn out ill, being yours also?' 'Well,' quoth she, but whose fault is it to be, if you are no judge, if my advice should be taken?' If the thing turn out well,' quoth he, you will have all the merit of the advice; but, if ill, am I to have all the blame for acting upon it' Come,' quoth she, we had best leave no stones to break windows, we will share and share alike.' But,' quoth he, you will not blame me if the thing turn out ill, because I took your advice?' Neither,' quoth she, if it turns out well shall you carry all the merit-at all events the merit of the advice will be mine.' 'It needs must,' quoth he, as well as the blame, if matters come wrong, be yours also. Look you, my dear, I have a right of choice to 6 6 do as I please, you know, you must needs lay that down: well, you give advice I take it or refuse it as I will-if I take it and it falls out ill, you have the blame of the ill advice, and I the blame for taking it. If I take it and it fall out well, I have the merit of taking it, and you the merit of the good advice.' Come,' quoth she, 'I'll risk my share, take it.' Mr Decastro did so, and soon afterwards ordered his carriage, and wheeled off his seed to Eton College." Upon this comfortable understanding, Mr and Mrs Decastro jog pleasantly on, and leave the stage to newer actors; retiring altogether behind the scenes, with the exception of one little episodical farce which they play, amusing enough, but too long to transcribe; and Old Crab, though making frequent appearances, is no longer so prominent a personage as before. And now one of the most singular characters in the book is introduced, viz. John Mathers, commonly called Old Comical; being no other than the John Mathers who appears on the title-page as the inditer of the merry matter contained in the book; though how he comes to figure in the double capacity of author, and one of the dramatis persona, is a mystery which is not explained. Old Comical, returning home from the University of Gottingen, where he has been bred, finds that his elder brother has succeeded to the whole property, while he is disinherited, or at least said to be so. However, he takes the matter very philosophically, for he "sat down under a hedge and wrote a song, and, begging a bit of board of a carpenter, being asked to pay for it, he put three legs in it, and mounting the stool sung the carpenter his ballad. The carpenter was very well satisfied with the song, and suffered Old Comical to depart in peace." This ballad subsequently stands him in good stead, assisted by the effect of his singular aspect, which is thus described : "He was so deeply marked by the small-pox that his face looked like a red honey-comb, so deeply pitted that a towel was of little use to him; and, being a neat man, he used to clean his face with a brush, which very much increased his natural floridity. Old Comical was as bald as a doll, and his pate was seamed and lined all over like a map of the roads: his eyes were dark blue, clear as crystal and very fine, one of which he almost always kept shut, like one taking aim, so he passed with many for a man of one eye, till he convinced them of their mistake by a sudden stare which had such oddity in it as made people laugh; he had a very wide mouth, and throat, so that when he laughed one might almost see what he had in his stomach. After a series of extraordinarily facetious adventures, Old Comical arrives at Oaken Grove. Old "As people in decay run the farthest from those places wherein they shone the most in their better days, so Old Comical ran out of the south directly into the north, and after begging, balladsinging, and stealing by turns, he at length came to the ferry at Oaken Grove: and dangling the horn in his hands which hung on the post, not knowing well what to make of it, put it to his mouth at last, and blew it with all his might. The ferryman unchained his boat at the accustomed signal, and when he arrived at the opposite shore, called Old Comical an impudent scoundrel, and asked who was to wait on him? Comical humbly begged pardon, and a penny, of the ferryman, and said, had he known the uses of the horn, he had sooner heard the devil blow it than he : the ferryman, struck with the oddity of Old Comical, gave him a penny, and forgave him his trouble, and Old Comical offering some ballads to sale, the ferryman bought sixpenny-worth of Old Comical's poetry. Upon which, there any charity,' quoth he, to be found on the other side of the water?' The ferryman, who loved fun and drollery, upon this took Old Comical into his boat and landed him on the opposite shore telling him that nobody lived in the'old castle, but he would perhaps get a platter of broken meat at Mr Decastro's, describing a farm-house situated on the left hand of it. Upon hearing the name of Decastro, Old Comical called to mind his old friend and fellow-student at the University in Germany, but not much expecting to find him there, he mounted his stool at the door, and began to sing. Old Crab, who was then at dinner with his wife in his little parlour, hearing Old Comical's voice, turned his head, for he sat with his back to the window, and seeing a beggar upon a stool, began to Is scold his wife for encouraging a pack of ragged rascals at the farm. I should be very sorry,' quoth she, to do any thing to displease you,' when a trillo from Old Comical threw her into convulsions. It was quite impossible to hear Old Comical sing two verses without laughing, and though Old Crab held it out much longer than his wife, as soon as Old Comical came to a fine shake, Old Crab burst out into a loud peal; and Old Comical, who saw how matters were, followed him up with another quaver, when Old Crab was fain to roar out, 'this is a pleasant scoundrel !'-' Come,' said Mrs B. Decastro, I think he deserves some broken victuals,' and knowing the usual cast of Old Crab's countenance when he would assent to a thing, she poured some broken victuals and sixpence, by way of sauce to them, into Old Comical's wallet; whereupon poor Old Comical, who had not eat a morsel that day, sat down upon a stone at the door, and it did Old Crab's heart good, and his wife's too, to see how heartily he ate his breakfast. Old Crab was now going forth to his business on his farm, when staring at Old Comical as he sat at meat, he knew his face in an instant, for it was not very possible for any who had once seen Old Comical's countenance ever to forget it and Old Comical as soon discovered the face of his old fellow-student: each stared at the other like a post, and for a very good reason, because a post has no 'What, Mathers' quoth Old Crab, where the plague dost thou come from? 'Hold hard,' quoth Old Comical, 'and I'll tell you.' He then gave a brief account of himself, and his wretched situation, which did not fail to make an impression upon such a heart as Old Crab's, who took Old Comical by the collar and hauled him into his house in such a rough manner that if it happened a little more to the southward Old Comical would not have been much at a loss to guess some reason for it. As soon as Old Crab had brought him into a little chamber he showed him some old clothes, and bade dress himself as well as he could, out of the best he could find, and stay till he returned in the evening: this he did, and when Old Crab came home at night, he found Old Comical fast asleep by his kitchen fire, with his head upon his stool and a great volume of ballads for his pillow. It now only remains to be said in this place, that ever since that day Old Comical has lived with Old Crab, who, after a due course of instruction, made him his bailiff, and a bailiff of greater honesty and integrity never existed than Old eyes. Comical, as what remains to be said of him will show." We have no intention of following through its mazes the thread of the story, which, besides being in itself not particularly interesting, and latterly altogether extravagant, proceeds in such an odd desultory fashion, halting for a few chapters, then leaping forward with an immense bound, then back again with a great jerk into a former generation, and pursuing altogether such a zigzag, devious, erratie course, that one might as well try to give a resumé of the plot of Tristram Shandy. If two people wanted to read the book at the same time, one of them might, without losing anything, begin with the second volume, and read alterternately backwards and forwardsa method which, as already stated, we were ourself forced to pursue. It is the quaint sense, the quaint humour, and the quaint characters, that give the book its value; and as we hope the reader has by this time a great regard for Old Crab, with his surly good-nature-his rude massive integrity-his rough manners and his fine heart-his good principles and his bad language-we will now extract a scene in which his visit to his Aunt Biddy (a highly diverting old person) forms a tolerably complete episode, though it has very little to do with the story. "How busy Old Crab was at this time! for what with setting his brotherin-law Lord Budemere's house in order, and darning his estates, and making his aunt Biddy's last will and testament, he scarce knew on what hand to turn him. "Old Comical was smoking his pipe over his toast and ale and nutmeg in the porch at the farm. John!' quoth Old Crab, come for orders:' forasmuch as it may be remembered that Old Comical was Old Crab's bailiff and clerk of the parish, and said Amen to all Old Crab said in church o' Sundays-'John!' quoth Old Crab, come for orders.' Whereupon Old Comical made his appearance in Old Crab's little parlour with his brown jug in one hand-what! leave such precious liquor all alone in the porch with his brown jug in one hand, and his pipe in one corner of his mouth, and his wig turned bush for wards to keep the flies off his forehead, 'Master,' quoth Old Comical with his pipe stuck in his face, here am I.' Old Comical smoked a long-tailed pipe in summer; forasmuch as the vapour, coming through a long vein, came cooler into his mouth, but the aforesaid Old to keep his nose warm, which hung over Comical smoked a short pipe in winter the bowl thereof with a purple chilblain at the end of it, for the frost snapt at Old Comical in winter-time as if it would bite his nose off: Master,' quoth Old Comical, here am I. John,' quoth Old Crab, 'I am called into Northamptonshire to make my aunt Biddy's will, for she hath taken into her head she 6 may die, it appearing by the Register, the farm, and this here, that lies on the table, that she is ninety years of age: this paper contains orders for what I would have done in the farm, and this purse money to pay the men for three weeks: bid the carter give Old Crop a good feed of corn, I shall set out for Northamptonshire tomorrow morning: take these three sermons to Dr Rosybottom, and tell him to serve my church three Sundays. A word with you, John: if you cannot sing psalms without making such faces, you shall sing no more; you have set the people a-laughing these two last Sundays if you cannot sing psalms about in such a manner, you shall not without screwing your confounded jaws sing at all, but sit still in your desk and let others sing-twisting your chaps about as if you did it on purpose to disturb the congregation.' Look you, master,' quoth Old Comical, 'I sing with my quid in my mouth, and that is the cause thereof; the tobacco lies quiet enough in plain singing, but when I come to a shake the quid dances about like a devil.' Old Crab said that he was not at all pleased with Old Comical's behaviour at church, and if he would not behave better in it, he could order the church-wardens to put him out of it, and disgrace him in the presence of the congregation; subjoining, that if he found no better return for the clerkship which he had given him than turning the psalms into ridicule, and setting folks a-laughing in church, Old Comical should be turned out of that too as well as the church, and another take his office. "Now it came to pass that the next morning at four o'clock Old Crab mounted Old Crop at the upping-stock at the house door; whereupon he smote the old mare with his oaken towel, and off trotted Old Crop with Old Crab and his saddle-bags. "Now, upon the arrival of Old Crop and Old Crab at Skeleton House, for that was the name of his aunt Biddy's palace, he found the old lady's carriage at the door, and her already dressed in her best tackle to go to a ball. Now at that time the clock struck ten, and the cock had been upon the perch an hour: Aunt Biddy,' quoth Old Crab, after the usual ceremonies of salutation, I am come to make your will' and cast thereupon his eye over a gay knot of artificial flowers stuck with an air into the old lady's cap. Hæ, hæ, nephey,' quoth the frisky old lass with a smile, it will be time enough for that to-morrow, I am going to a dance in the neighbourhood:' when, giving her people orders to take care of Old Crab and Old Crop, the old lady stept into her carriage with a little more alacrity than her aged limbs could well afford, that complained in half-a-dozen loud cracks that they were in no such skipping humour. Old Crab sucked up his cheeks at the gay old lady, who scuttled into her coach too quickly to leave him any time for a reply. The next morning at breakfast, Aunt Biddy,' quoth Old Crab, d'ye mean to dance into your grave with a tabor and pipe? In the devil's name, d'ye know how old you are?' 'Past fifteen, nephey,' quoth the merry old virgin with a smile. Past fifteen!' quoth Old Crab; 'd'ye know how many fifteens there are in ninety?' 'I love the age of fifteen so well,' quoth she, 'that I don't care how often it comes over.' 'You have got it in your head it seems,' quoth Old Crab, that it is time to make your will; now, look ye, madam, if you can get the fiddles out of your brains I have a world of work on my hands, and could be glad to come to the business:' upon which ho went on to tell her that he had a great deal to do for her nephew Lord Budemere, who was running post haste to the devil. 'His lordship should have come there long ago,' quoth she, 'for everybody said that he took the nearest way whenever he gets there, however, he will be sure to meet with a warm reception, for he and the devil are old friends; hand and glove, nephey Bat, on the best of terms. You have another lame dog to help over a stile, then, it seems, nephey Bat; but John Is upon good ground again, you tell me. Yes, but this is the most confounded business of the two by much,' quoth Old Crab; I have just written to the blockhead, and told him that I una put him on spare diet these ten years, before I can get this lame dog upon all fours again. I got disinherited, and kicked out of the kingdom, for giving that very advice, which, if taken, had saved my sister's fortune; that, and all the money the frugal old lord left, is spent: but come to the will it has been high time any day these last forty years.' 'Accidents may happen, nephey,' quoth she, 'accidents may happen to the youngest of us all.' 'Accidents may happen!' thundered Old Crab; 'ay, you may die in a ballroom, and be fiddled into eternity : the devil take these colt's teeth, how they stick in your mouth, old woman! What d'ye mean to do with your money? 'tis time you thought about it while the spark of life sticks in your old tinder, if a serious thought can come into such a bedlam.' 'Come, come, Old Crab,' quoth aunt Biddy, 'will you never leave off spitting brimstone and sulphur? Will you never leave off galloping, dancing, rigging and romping amongst the boys and girls? answer me that, old female. What money have you in your banker's hands?' 'Not a groat,' said aunt Biddy. Not a groat!' quoth Old Crab;' why, how the plague can you contrive to spend three thousand pounds a-year? answer me that, ye old romp.' 'I never was a miser, nephey,' quoth the old lady; 'but you know, who manage all my money matters, madcap as I am, that I never once outran the constable and, truly, what is money good for? how can we put a penny to a better use than to call one's friends about one's house, and make them all happy, hæ, nephey Bat? if one is merry and wise, hæ, nephey Bat?' 'You are merry enough,' quoth Old Crab, if you were but as wise, and old enough too to be more of the one and less of the other, to my thinking.' 'Why, look you, nephey, the more merry the more wise, that's my motto, though it mayn't be so much to your liking.-I give a ball to-morrow, and tonight I am going to a masquerade, so if you please we will come to parish business as soon as we have done breakfast. I may die, hæ, nephey Bat? I may die; the youngest of us all may die, nephey Bat, hæ, hæ, hæ, nephey Bat!' gaily on Old Crab's shoulder, and sang Whereupon the old lass clapt her hand the following staves: [We omit the old lady's song as peculiar.] 'What d'ye think of that? hah, hah, nephey Bat?' A merry old cat!' quoth Old Crab. Merry! ay, nephey,' quoth aunt Biddy, 'I danced |