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Against the protestants, when th' happen And most perfidiously condemn
Those that engag'd their lives for them?
And yet do nothing in their own sense, And either way admits a scruple,
But what they ought by oath and conscience. And may be er parte of the maker,
Can they not juggle, and with slight More criminal than th' injur'd taker;
Conveyance play with wrong and right; For he tha: strains too far a vow,
And sell their blasts of wind as dear Will break it, like an o'er-bent bow:
As Lapland witches bottled air? And he that made, and forcd it, broke it,
Will not Fear, Favour, Bribe, and Grudge, Not he that for convenience took it.
The same case several ways adjudge ? A broken oath is, quatenus oath,
As scamen, with the self-same gale, As sound t' all purposes of troth ;
Will several different courses sail. As broken laws are ne'er the worse,
As, when the sea breaks o'er its bounds, Nay, till they 're broken have no force.
And overflows the level grounds, What's Justice to a man, or Laws,
Those banks and dams, that, like a screen, That never comes within their claws?
Did keep it out, now keep it in; They have no power, but to admonish;
So when tyrannical usurpation Cannot controul, coerce, or punish,
Invades the freedom of a nation, Until they 're broken, and then touch
The laws o'th' land, that were intended Those only that do make them such.
To keep it out, are made defend it. Beside, no engagement is allow'd,
Does not in Chancery every man swear By men in prison made, for good;
What makes best for him in his answer? For when they 're set at liberty,
Is not the winding-up witnesses, They 're from th' engagement too set free.
And nicking, more than half the business? The rabbins write, When any Jew
For witnesses, like watches, go Did make to God or man a vow,
Just as they 're set, too fast or slow; Which afterward he found untoward,
And where in conscience they 're straight-lac'd, And stubborn to be kept, or too hard,
Tis ten to one that side is cast. Any three other Jews o'th' nation
Do not your juries give their verdict Might free him from the obligation:
As if they felt the cause, not heard it ? And have not two saints power to use
And as they please, make matter o' fact A greater privilege than three Jews ?
Kun all on one side, as they're packt ? The court of Conscience, which in man
Nature has made man's breast no windores, Should be supreme and soveran,
To publish what he does within doors; Is 't fit should be subordinate
Nor what dark secrets there inhabit, To ev'ry petty court in th' state,
Unless his own rash folly blab it. And have less power than the lesser,
If oaths can do à man no good To deal with perjury at pleasure ?
In his own business, why they shou'd, Have its proceedings disallow'd, or
In other matters, do him hurt, Allow'd, at fancy of pye-powder?
I think there's little reason for 't. 'Tell all it does, or does not know,
He that imposes an oath makes it, For swearing ex officio ?
Not he that for convenience takes it: Be forc d t impeach a broken hedge,
Then how can any man be said And pigs uuring'd at vis. franc. pledge ?
To break an oath he never made?' Discover thieves, and bawds, recusants,
These reasons may perhaps look oddly Priests, witches, eaves-droppers, and nusance; To th' wicked, though they evince the godly; Tell who did play at games unlawful,
But if they will not serve to clear And who fill'd pots of ale but half-full;
My honour, I am ne'er the near. And have no power at all, nor shift,
Honour is like that glassy bubble, To help itself at a dead lift?
That finds philosophers such trouble, Why should not Conscience have vacation
Whose least part crackt, the whole does fly, As well as other courts o' th' nation;
And wits are crackt to find out why.” Have equal power to adjourn,
Quoth Ralpho, “ Honour's but a word Appoint appearance and return;
To swear by only, in a lord : An i make as nice distinction serve
In other men 'tis but a huff To split a case, as those that carve,
To vapour with, instead of proof,
That, like a wen, looks big and swells,
“Let it," quoth he, “ be what it will, To judge that law that serves their tum?
It has the world's opinion still. Make their own jealousies high-treason,
But as men are not wise that run And fix them whomsoe'er they please on?
The slightest hazard they may shun, Cannot the learned counsel there
There may a medium be found out Make laws in any shape appear?
To clear to all the world the doubt; Mould them as witches do their clay,
And that is, if a man may do't, When they make pictures to destroy,
By proxy whipt, or substitute.” And vex them into any form
Though nice and dark the point appear," That fits their purpose to do harm ?
Quoth Ralph, “it may hold up and clear. Rack them until they do confess,
That sinners may sypply the place Impeach of treason whom they please,
Of suffering saints, is a plain case ;
Justice gives sentence many times,
Quoth Hudibras, “ It is in vain, On one man for another's crimes.
I see, to argue 'gainst the grain, Our brethren of New-England use
Or, like the stars, incline men to Choice malefactors to excuse,
What they 're averse themselves to do: And hang the guiltless in their stead,
Por, when disputes are weary'd out, Of whom the churches have less need;
'Tis interest still resolves the doubt : As lately 't happen'd : In a town
But since no reason can confute ye, There liv'd a cobbler, and but one,
I'll try to force you to your duty ; That out of doctrine could cut use,
For so it is, howe'er you mince it, And mend men's lives as well as shoes.
As, ere we part, I shall evince it; This precious brcel or having slain,
And curry, (if you stand out) whether In times of peace, an Indian,
You will or no, your stubborn leather. Not out of malice, but mere zeal,
Canst thou refuse to hear thy part (Because he was an infidel)
l'th' public work, base as thou art ? The mighty Tottipottymoy
To higgle thus, for a few blows, Sent to our elders an envoy,
To gain thy knight an opulent spouse, Complaining sorely of the breach
Whose wealth his bowels yearn to purchase, Of leagie bield furth by brother Patch,
Merely for th' interest of the churches ? Against the articles in forre
And when he has it in his claws Between both churches, his and ours,
Will not be hide-bound to the cause : For which he cravd the saints to render
Nor shalt thou find him a curmudgin, Into his hands, or hang th' offender;
If thou dispatch it without grudging: But they, maturely having weigh'd
If not, resolve, before we go, They had no more but him o'th' trade,
That you and I must pull a crow.” (A man that serv'd them in a double
“ Ye 'ad hest," quoth Ralpho," as the ancients Capacity, to teach and cobble)
Say wiselv, have a care o'th' main chance,' Resolvd to spare him; yet to do
And look before you ere you leap ;' The Indian Hoghan Moghan too
For 'as you sow, ye 're like to reap:' Impartial justice, in his stead did
And were y' as good as George-a-Green, Hang an old weaver that was bed-rid:
I should make bold to turn again; Then wherefore may not you be skipp'd,
Nor am I doubtful of the issue And in your room another whipp'd ?
In a just quarrel, and mine is so. For all philosophers, but the sceptic,
Is sitting for a man of honour Hold whipping may be sympathetic."
To whip the saints, like bishop Ronner ? “ It is enough," quoth Hudibras,
A knight t'usurp the beadle's, office, « Thou hast resolv'd and clear'd the case ; For which y' are like to raise brave trophies ? And canst, in conscience, not refuse,
But I advise you (not for ícar, From thy own doctrine, to raise use:
But for your own sake) to forbear, I know thou wilt not (for my sake)
And for the churches, which may chance, Be tender-conscienc'd of thy back:
From hence, to spring a variance, Then strip thee of thy carnal jerkin,
And raise among themselves new scruples, And give thy outward-fellow a ferking ;
When common danger hardly couples. For when thy vessel is new hoop'd,
Remember how in arms and politics All leaks of sinning will be stoppd.".
We still have worsted all your holy tricks: Quoth Ralpho,
" You mistake the matter; Trepann'd your party with intrigue, For, in all scruples of this nature,
And took your grandees down a peg; No man includes himself, nor turns
New-model'd th' army, and cashier'd The point upon his own concems.
All that to Legion Smec adherd; As no man of his own self catches
Made a mere utensil o' your church, The itch, or amorous French aches :
And after left it in the lurch; So no man does himself convince,
A scaffold to build up our own, By his own doctrine, of his sins:
And when we 'ad done with 't pull'd it down; And though all cry down self, none means Capoch'd your rabbins of the synod, His own self in a literal sense:
And snapp'd their canons with a Why-not: Besides, it is not only foppish,
(Grave synod-men, that were rever'd But vile, idolatrous, and popish,
For solid face, and depth of beard) For one man out of his own skin
Their classic model prov'd a maggot, To frisk and whip another's sin;
Their direct'ry an Indian pagod; As pedants ont of school-boys' breeches
And drownd their discipline like a kitten, Do claw and curry their own itches.
On which they 'ad been so long a sitting; But in this case it is profane,
Decry'd it as a holy cheat, And sinful too, because in vain;
Grown out of date and obsolete, For we must take our oaths upon it
And all the saints of the first grass, You did the deed, when I have done it."
As castling foals of Balaam's ass. Quoth Hudibras, “ That 's answer'd soon;
At this the knight grew high in chafe, Give us the whip, we 'll lay it on.”
And, staring furiously on Ralph, Quoth Ralpho, “ That we may swear true, He trembled and look'd pale with ire, Twere properer that I whipp'd you ;
Like ashes first, then red as fire. For when with your consent 'tis done,
Have I," quoth he, “ been ta'en in fight, The act is really your ow..."
And for so many moons lain by't,
And when all other means did fail,
And after them, upon a nag, Have been exchang'd for tubs of ale?
That might pass for a forehand stay, Not but they thought me worth a ransom
A cornet rode, and on his staff Much more considerable and handsome,
A smock display'd did proudly wave; But for their own sakes, and for fear,
Then bagpipes of the loudest drones, They were not safe when I was there;
With muling, broken-winded tones, Now to be bailed by a scoundrel,
Whose blasts of air, in pockets shut, An upstart sectary, and mongrel,
Sound filthier than from the gut, Such as breed out of peccant humours
And make a viler noise than swine Of our own church, like wens or tumours,
In windy weather, when they whine. And, like a maggot in a sore,
Next one upon a pair of panniers, Would that which gave it life devour:
Full fraught with that, which, for good-manners, It never shall be done or said:"
Shall here be nameless, mixt with grains, With that he seiz'd upon his blade;
Which he dispens'd among the swains, And Ralpho too, as quick and bold,
And busily upon the crowd L'pon his basket-bilt laid hold,
At random round about bestow'd. With equal readiness prepar'd,
Then, mounted on a horned horse, To draw and stand upon his guard;
One bore a gauntlet and gilt spurs, When both were parted on the sudden,
Ty'd to the pummel of a long sword With hideous clamour, and a loud one,
Ile held reverst, the point turn'd downward: As if all sorts of noise had been
Next after, on a raw-bon'd steed, Contracted into one loud din;
The conqueror's standard-bearer rid, Or that some member to be chosen
And bore aloft before the champion Had got the odds above a thousand;
A petticoat display'd, and rampant; And by the greatness of his noise,
Near whom the Amazon triumphant Prov'd fittest for his country's choice.
Bestrid her beast; and on the rump on't This strange surprisal put the knight
Sat face to tail, and bum to bum,
The warrior whilom overcome,
Which as he rode she made him twist off; Both thought it was the wisest course
And when he loiter'd, o'er her shoulder To wave the fight, and mount to horse,
Chastiz'd the reformado soldier. And to secure, by swift retreating,
Before the dame, and round about, Themselves from danger of worse beating.
March'd whifflers and staffiers on foot, Yet neither of them would disparage,
With lackies, grooms, valets, and pages,
In fit and proper equipages;
Before the proud virago minx,
That was both madam and a don, By slow degrees approach'd so near,
Like Nero's Sporus or pope Joan; They might distinguish different noise
And at fit periods the whole rout Of homs, and pans, and dogs, and boys,
Set up their throats with clamorous shout. And kettle-drums, whose sullen dub
The knight transported, and the squire, Sounds like the hooping of a tub.
Put up their weapons and their ire; But when the sight appear'd in view,
And Hudibras, who us'd to ponder They found it was an antique shew;
On such sights with judicious wonder, A triumph that, for pomp and state,
Could hold no longer to impart Did proudest Romans' emulate:
His animadversions, for his heart. For as the aldermen of Rome
Quoth he, “ In all my life, till now, Their foes at training overcome,
I ne'er saw so profane a show; And not enlarging territory,
It is a paganish invention, (As some, mistaken, write in story)
Which heathen writers often mention: Being mounted in their best array,
And he who made it had read Goodwin, Upon a carre, and who but they?
Or Ross, or Cælius Rhodogine, And follow'd with a world of tall-lads,
With all the Grecian Speeds and Stows, That merry ditties troll’d, and ballads,
That best describe those ancient shows; Did ride with many a Good-morrow,
And has observ'd all fit decorums Crying, “ Hey for our town," through the Borough; We find describ’d by old historians : So when this triumph drew so nigh,
For as the Roman conqueror, They might particulars descry,
That put an end to foreign war, They never saw two things so pat,
Entering the town in triumph for it, In all respects, as this and that.
Bore a slave with him in his chariot; First he that'led the cavalcate
So this insulting female brave Wore a sow-gelder's flagellate,
Carries, behind her here, a slave: On which he blew as strong a levet,
And as the ancients long ago, As well-fee'd lawyer on his brev'ate,
When they in field defy'd the foe, When over one another's heads
Hung ont their mantles della guerre, They charge (three ranks at once) like Sweads. So her proud standard-bearer here, Next pans and kettles of all keys,
Waves on his spear, in dreadful manner, From trebles down to double base;
A Tyrian petticoat for banner,
Next links and torches heretofote
Then Hudibras, with face and hand, Sill borne before the emperor:
Made signs for silence; which obtain'd, And as in antique triumph eggs
“What means,” quoth he, “this Devil's procession Were borne for mystical intrigues,
With men of orthodox profession? There's one, in truncheon like a ladle,
'Tis othnique and idolatrous, That carries ergs too, fresh or addle;
From heathenism deriv'd to us. And still at random, as he goes,
Does not the Whore of Babylon ride Among the rabble-rout bestors.”
Upon her horned beast astride, Quoth Ralpho, " You mistake the matter: Like this proud dame, who either is For all th' antiquity you smatter
A type of her, or she of this? Is but a riding usd of course,
Are things of superstitious function When the grey mare 's the better horse;' Fit to be usd in gospel sunshine? When o'er the breeches greedy women
It is an antichristian opera, Fight, to extend their vast dominion,
Much fis'd in midnight times of popery ; And in the cause impatient Grized
Of running after self-inventions Has drubb'd her husband with bull's pizzle, Of wicked and profane intentions ; And brought him under covert-baron,
To scandalize that sex for scolding, To turn her vassal with a murrain ;
To whom the saints are so beholding. When wives their sexes shift, like hạres,
Women, who were our first apostles, And ride their husbands, like night-mares,
Without whose aid we 'd all been lost else; And they, in mortal battle vanquish'd,
Women, that left no stone unturn'd Are of their charter disenfranchis'd,
In which the cause might be concern'd; And by the right of war, like gills,
Brought in their children's spoons and whistles, Condemn'd to distaff, horns, and wheels:
To purchase swords, carbines, and pistols; For when men by their wives are cow'd,
Their husbands, cullies, and sweethearts, Their horns of course are understood.”
To take the saints' and churches' parts; Quoth Hudibras, “ Thou still giv'st sentence Drew several gifted brethren in, , Impertinently, and against sense:
That for the bishops would have been, 'Tis not the least disparagement
And fix'd then constant to the party, To be defeated by th' event,
With motives powerful and hearty: Nor to be beaten by main force;
Their husbands robb’d, and made hard shifts That does not make a man the worse,
Tadminister unto their gifts Although his shoulders with battoon
All they could rap, and rend, and pilfer, Be claw'd and cudgeld to some tune.
To scraps and enus of gold and silver; A tailor's 'prentice has no hard
Rubb'd down the teachers, tir'd and spent Measure, that's bang'd with a true yard;
With holding forth for parliament; But to turn tail, or run away,
Pamper'd and edify'd their zcal And without blows give up the day,
With marrow-puddings many a meal: Or to surrender ere th' assault,
Enabled them, with store of meat, That 's no man's fortune, but his fault;
On controverted points, to eat: And renders men of honour less
And cramm'd them, till their guts did ache, Than all th' adversity of success;
With caudle, custard, and plumb-cake. And only unto such this shew
What have they done, or what left undone, Of horns and petticoats is due.
That might advance the cause at London ? There is a lesser profanation,
March'd rank and file, with drum and ensign, Like that the Romans call'd ovation:
T” intrench the city for defence in; For as ovation was allow'd
Rais'd rampiers with their own soft hands, For conquest purchas'd without blood;
To put the enemy to stands; So men decree those lesser shows
From ladies down to oyster-wenches For victory gotten without blows,
Labour'd like pioneers in trenches, By dint of sharp hard words, which some
Fall'n to their pick-axes and tools, Give battle with, and overcome;
And help the men to dig like moles. These, mounted in a chair-curule,
Have not the handmaids of the city Which moderns call a cuckling-stool,
Chose of their members a committee, March proudly to the river's side,
For raising of a common purse, And o'er the waves in triumph ride:
Out of their wages, to raise horse ? Like dukes of Venice, who are said
And do they not as tryers sit, The Adriatic sca to wed;
To judge what officers are fit? And have a gentler wife than those
Have they”-At that an egg let fly For whom the state decrees those shows.
Hit him directly o'er the eye, But both are heathenish, and come
And, running down his cheek, besmear'd From th' whores of Babylon and Rome,
With orange-tawny slime his beard; And by the saints should be withstood,
But beard and slime being of one hue, As antichristian and lewd;
The wound the less appear'd in view. And we, as such, should now contribute
Then he that on the panniers rode, Our utmost strugglings to prohibit.”
Let fly on th’ other side a load, This said, they both advanc'd, and rode
And, quickly charg'd again, gáve fully, A dog-trot through the bawling crowd
In Ralpho's face, another volley. T' attack the leader, and still prest,
The knight was startled with the smell, Till they approach'd him breast to breast:
And for his sword began to feel;
And Ralpho, smother'd with the stink,
PART II. CANTO III.
The knight, with various doubts possest, And forc'd the rout to make a ring ;
To win the lady goes in quest Through which they quickly broke their way,
Of Sidrophel, the Posycrucian, And brought them off froin further fray;
To know the Dest’nies' resolution; And, though disorder'd in retreat,
With whom being met, they both chop logic Each of them stoutly kept his seat:
About the science astrologic; For, quitting both their swords and reins,
Till falling from dispute to fight,
The conjurer's worsted by the knight.
Doubtless the pleasure is as great
Of being cheated, as to cheat; After they'd paus'd awhile, supplying
As lookers-on feel most delight, Their spirits, spent with fight and flying,
That least perceive a juggler's sleight, And Hudibras recruited force
And, still the less they understand, Of lungs, for action or discourse;
The more th' admire his sleight of hand. Quoth he, “ That man is sure to lose
Some with a noise and greasy light That fouls his hands with dirty foes;
Are snapt, as men cateh larks by night, For where no honour 's to be gain'd,
Ensnar'd and hamper'd by the soul, "Tis thrown away in being maintaind:
As nooses by the legs catch fowl. Twas ill for us we had to do
Some with a med'cine and receipt With so dishonourable a foe:
Are drawn to nibble at the bait; For though the law of arms doth bar
And though it be a two-foot trout, The use of venom'd shot in war,
"Tis with a single hair pulld out. Yet by the nauseous smell, and noisome,
Others believe no voice t' an organ Their case-shot savour strong of poison,
So sweet as lawyer's in luis bar-gown, And doubtless have been chew'd with teeth
Until with subtle cobweb-cheats Of some that had a stinking breath;
They ’re catch'd in knotted law, like nets; Else, when we put it to the push,
In which, when once they are imbrangled, They had not given us such a brush:
The more they stir, the more they 're tangled; But as those poltroons that fling dirt
And while their purses can dispute, Do but defile, but cannot hurt;
There 's no end of th' immortal suit. So all the honour they have won,
Others still gape t' anticipate Or we have lost, is much at one.
The cabinet designs of Fate, 'Twas well we made so resolute
Apply to wizards, to foresee A brave retreat, without pursuit ;
What shall, and what shall never be; For if we had not, we had sped
And, as those vultures do forebode, Much worse, to be in triumph led;
Believe events prove bad or good; Than which the ancients held no state
A sam more senseless than the roguery Of man's life more unfortunate.
Of old auruspicy and augury, But if this bold adventure e'er
That out of garbages of cattle Do chance to reach the widow's ear,
Presag'd th' events of truce or battle; It may, being destin'd to assert
From flight of birds, or chicken's pecking, Her sex's honour, reach her heart:
Success of great'st attempts would reckon: And as such homely treats (they say)
Though cheats, yet more intelligible, Portend good fortune, so this may.
Than those that with the stars do fribble. Vespasian being daub’d with dirt,
This Hudibras by proof found true, Was destin'd to the empire for 't;
As in due time and place we'll shew: And from a scavenger did come
For he, with beard and face made clean, To be a mighty prince in Rome:
Being mounted on his steed again, And why may not this foul address
(And Ralpho got a cock-horse too, Presage in love the same success?
Upon his beast, with much ado) Then let us straight, to cleanse our wounds,
Advanc'd on for the widow's house, Advance in quest of nearest ponds;.
T'acquit himself, and pay his vows; And after (as we first design'd)
When various thoughts began to bustle,
And with his inward man to justle.