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thereat, in plain terms told him, that if he did not for the future leave off his proceedings in that nature, she would graft such a pair of horns upon his head, that should hinder him from coming out of any
door in the house. 63. A citizen of London passing the streets very hastily, came at last where some stop was made by carts; and some gentlemen talking together, who knew him, where being in some passion that he could not suddenly pass; one of them in this wisė spoke unto him ; that others had passed by, and there was room enough, only they could not tell whether their horns were so wide as his.
64. A tinker passing Cheapside with his usual tone, have
work for a tinker? An apprentice standing at a door opposite to a pillory there set up, called the tinker, with an intent to put a jest upon him, and told him, that he should do very well if he would stop those two holes in the pillory ; to which the tinker answered, that if he would but put in his head and ears a while in that pillory, he would bestow both brass and nails upon him to hold him in, and give him his labour into the bargain.
65. A young maid having married an old man, was observed on the day of marriage to be somewhat moody, as if she had eaten a dish of chums, which one of her bridemen observing, bid her be
cheary ; and told her moreover, that an old horse would hold out as long, and as well as a young one, in travel. To which she answered, stroking down her belly with her hand ; but not in this road, sir.
66. There was in Oxford a cowardly fellow that was a very good archer ; he abused grossly by, another, and moaned himself to Sir Walter Rawleigh, then a scholar, and asked his advice, what he should do to repair the wrong had been offered him; Rawleigh answered, why challenge him at a match of shooting.
67. Whitehead, a grave divine, was much esteemed by queen Elizabeth, but not preferred, because he was against the government of bishops, he was of a blunt stoical nature; he came one day to the queen, and the queen happened to say to him, I like thee the better, Whitehead, because thou livest unmarried. He answered, in troth, madam, I like you the worse for the same cause.
68. Doctor Laud said, that some hypocrites, and seeming mortified men, that held down their heads like bulrushes, were like the little images that they place in the very bowing of the vaults of churches, that look as if they held up the church, but are but puppets.
69. There was a curst page that his master whipt naked, and when he had been whipt, would not
put on his cloaths; and when his master bad him, take them you, for they are the hangman's fees.
70. There was a lady of the west country, that gave great entertainment at her house to most of the gallant gentlemen thereabouts, and amongst others, Sir Walter Rawleigh
This lady, though otherwise a stately dame, was a notable good housewife; and in the morning betimes, she called to one of her maids that looked to the swine, and asked, are the pigs served ? Sir Walter Rawleigh's chamber was fast by the lady's, so as he heard her; a little before dinner, the lady came down in great state into the great chamber, which was full of gentlemen ; and as soon as Sir Walter Rawleigh set eye upon her; Madam, saith he, are the pigs served ? The lady answered ; You know best whether you
breakfast. 71. There were fishermen drawing the river at Chelsea : Mr. Bacon came thither by chance in the afternoon, and offered to buy their draught : they were willing. He asked them what they would take > They asked, thirty shillings. Mr. Bacon offered them ten. They refused it. Why then, saith Mr. Bacon, I will be only a looker on. They drew and catched nothing. Saith Mr. Bacon, Are not you mad fellows now, that might have had an angel in your purse, to have made merry withal, and to have warmed you throughly,
and now you must go home with nothing. Ay but, saith the fishermen, we had hope then to make a better gain of it. Saith Mr. Bacon, well my master, then I'll tell you, hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad
supper. 72. When Sir Francis Bacon was made the king's attorney, Sir Edward Coke was put up from being lord chief justice of the common pleas, to be lord chief justice of the king's bench ; which is a place of greater honour, but of less profit; and withal was made privy counsellor. After a few days, the Lord Coke meeting with the king's attorney, said unto him ; Mr. Attorney, this is all your doing : It is you that have made this stir, Mr. Attorney answered: Ah, my lord ! your lordship all this while hath grown in breadth; you must needs now grow in height, or else you would be a monster.
73. One day Queen Elizabeth told Mr. Bacon, that my Lord of Essex, after great protestation of penitence and affection, fell in the end, but upon the suit of renewing his farm of sweet wines. He answered; I read that in nature, there be two kinds of motions or appetites in sympathy; the one as of iron, to the adamant for perfection; the other as of the vine, to the stake for sustentation; that her majesty, was the one, and his suit the other.
74. Mr Bacon, after he had been vehement in parliament against depopulation and inclosures ; and that soon after the queen told him, that she had referred the hearing of Mr. Mills's cause, to certain counsellors and judges; and asked him how he liked of it? Answered ; Oh madam ! my mind is known; I am against all inclosures, and especially against inclosed justice.
75. When Sir Nicolas Bacon the lord keeper lived, every room in Gorhambury was served with a pipe of water from the ponds, distant about a mile off. In the life-time of Mr. Antony Bacon, the water ceased. After whose death, his lordship coming to the inheritance, could not recover the water without infinite charge : when he was lord chancellor, he built Verulam House, close by the pond-yard, for a place of privacy, when he was called upon, to dispatch any urgent business. And being asked, why he built that house there ; his lordship answered, that since he could not carry the water to his house, he would carry his house to the water.
76. Zelim was the first of the Ottomans that did shave his beard, whereas his predecessors wore it long. One of his bashaws asked him, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? He answered, because you bashaws may not lead me by the beard, as you did them.