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give her the nip, that she always fereams that I thould never set my foot in any after me, "My dear, you are not going one of them again, except herself be al.

ont;' thougli, for better security, the lowed to make one of the company. generally locks up my hat and cane, to- You will fuppote, Sir, that while my gether with her own gloves and cardinal, wife is thus cautious that I should not that one may not ftir out without the be led attray when abroad, the takes other.

particular care, tha: I may not fumble I cannot flatter myself, that I am on temptation at home. For this reahandsomer or better made than other fon, as foon as I had brought her to men: nor his she, in my eyes at least, my house, my two maid-lervants were fewer charins than other women. Need immediately turned away at a noment's I add, that my complexion is not over warning, not without many covert hints, fanguine, nor my constitution very ro- and fome open accusations, of too near buil? and yet me is so very doubtful an intimacy between us : though I pro. of my conttancy, that I cannot speak, teit to you, one was a feeble oid wrink. or even pay tlie compliment of my hat, led creature, as haggard and frightful to any young lady, though in public, as mother Shipton; and the other, a without giving new alarıns to her jea. Atrapping wench, as coarse and brawny lousy. Such an one, the is fure from as the Female Samfon. Even my man her flaunting airs, is a kepe wundam; John, who had lived in the family for another is no better than the should be; thirty years, was p cked off, as being and she saw another tip me the wink, or too well acquainted with his master's fly give me a nod, as a mark of fume pri- ways. A chair-woman was forced to vate allignation between us. A nun, do our work for some time, before ma. Sir, might as soon force her way into a dam could fuit herself with maids for content of monks, as any young wo- her purpose. One was too pert an huffy; man get admittince into our houle: the another went too fine; another was an has therefore affronted all her acquaint- impudent forward young baggage. At cance of her own fex, that are not, or present our houshold is made up of such might not have been, the grandmothers beautiful monsters, as Caliban himself of many generations; and is at home to might fall in love with my lady's own nobody, but maiden ladies in the bloom waiting-woman has a molt inviting of threescore, and beauties of the last hump back, and is fo charmingly pa. century,

ralytic, that the shakes all over, like a She will scarce allow me to mix even Chinele figure; the house. maid squints with persons of my own fex; and the looks molt delightfully with one folitary eye, upon bachelors in particular, as no bet- which weeps continually for the loss of ter than pimps and common leducers: it's fellow; and the cook, besides a mott one evening, indeed, the vouchlafed to capuvaring red face and protuberant truit me out of doors at a cavern with waitt, kas a mott graceful hobole in her some of my male friends; but the first gait, occasioned by one leg being shorter bottle had scarce gone round, before than the other. word was brought up, that my boy was I neei not tell you, that I must never come with the lanthorn to light me home. write a letter, but my wife must see the I fent him back with orders to call in an contents, before it is done up; and that hour; when presently after the maid was I never dare to open one, vind the las dispatched, with noice that my dear broke the seal, or read it, till fhe has . was gone to bed very ill, and wanted first run it over. Every rap at the door me directly. I was preparing to obey from the post-man makes her tremble; the luminons; whell, to our great fur- and I have known her ready to burst -prise, the fick lady herself holted into with fyleen at feeing a fupericription, the room, complained of my cruel heart, written in a fair Italian.hami, though and fell into a fit; from which the did perhaps it only comes from my aunt in not recover, til the coach had let is the country. She can pick out an indowi at our own house. She then called trigue even from the imiprillion on the me the bafest of husbands; and faid, ' wax: and a Cupid, or two hearts jointhat all taverns were no better than ed in union, or a wafer pricked with a bawdy houtes, and that men only went pin, or itamped with a thimbie, the in. thi her to meet naughty women: at last terprets as the certain tokens of a billerthe declared it to be her fum resu!ution, doux; and if there is a blank {pace left


in any part of the letter, he always the is perpetually reproaching me with holds it' for fome time before the fire; my private trull, nay, upbraids me on that, if it thould be filled with any secret this account before strangers; and it contents, written in juice of lemons, was but lait weck, that the put me to they may by that means become vin inconceivable confufion before a whol: fible.

room-full of company, by telling them, About a month ago she found a mys- that I was in love with a blackiinith. terious paper in my coat-pocker, which Jealousy, Sir, it is said, is a sign of awakened ail her miltruit. This fufpi- love. It inay be fo: but it is a species cious manufcript was drawn up in hiero. of love, which is attended with all the glyphics; which, as the could not in- malevolent properties of hate: nay, I terpret, she immediately concluded it to will venture to lay, that many a modern be a billet-doux from fome nary crea-. wife hates her husband moit heartily, ture, whom I fecretly maintained in a without caufing him half that unealicorner of the town; and that we corre- nels, which my loving confort's fufpi. fponded together in cypher. This ter- cious temper creaies to me. Her jealous nible paper, Sir, was in truth no other whims disturb ine the more, becaule I than a bill from iny blacksmith in the ai naturally of an even mind and calm country, who, never having learnt to disposition: and one of the chief bles, write, exprefled his meaning by charac- fings I promised mylelf in matrimony fers of his own invention. Thus, if was, to enjoy the sweets of domestic he had nended a spade, he charged it to tranquillity. I loved my wits pafmy account, by drawing, as well as he fionately; but I must own, that these could, the figure of a spade, and adding perpetual attacks upon my peace make at a little distance fix perpendicular lines, me regard her with lds and lessøtenderto signify fixpence; or, if he had repair- ness every day; and though there is not ed a plough, he sketched out that also a woman in the world that I would prein the fame kind of rough draught, and for to my wife, yet I am apt to think, annexed to it four curve lines, to denote that such violent fufpicions, without a four fbillings. This matter I explained cauie, have often created real matter for to iny wite as fully as pollible, but very jealousy. I am, Sir, your humble ferlittle to her fatisfaction. It is absolute- vant, &c, ly imposible to quiet her Sulpicions: T

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wherefore, as you have hitherto liften

ed to the complaints husbands, I must SIR,

beg you now to consider mine, and to Y wife is mad, stark mad; and suffer me also to appeal to the public, by unless you can prescribe some

means of your paper. remedy for that Orange phrenzy which A few years ago business called me pofsefses her, iny peace of mind must be over to Italy; where this unfortunate for ever broken, and my fortune in. woman received the first touches of this evitably ruined. You must know, Sir, disorder. She foon conceived a violent that she is affiliated with a disorder ex- passion for Taste in genera, which setactly opposite to the bite of a Tarantula; iled at last in an unquenchable rage for, as that is said to admit of no cure after musical compositions Solos, So-. but music, there is not a note in the natas, Operas, and Concertos, became Gamut, but what tends to heighten and her sole employinent and delight, and inflame my wife's lunacy. I find it is fingers and musicians her only company; the fashion, in this age, for fingers and At length, full of Italian airs, the rehudlers to publish Appeals to the public; turned to England, where allo her whole


happiness isas been centered in the or- thrumming on her harpsichord the tunes cheltra, and it has been her whole pride the hears there, I mould be content: to be uliought a Connoiscur in mulic. but the has also a concert of her own If there is an opera, oratorio, or con- constantly once a week. Here the is in cert, to be performed within the bills Itill greater raptures than at the opera, of mortality, I do not believe that the as all the music is chosen and appointed riches of the Indies could prevail on her by herfeit. The expence of this whim to be absent. Two, and only two, good is monitrous; for not one of these people consequences flow from this madness; will open their months, or rofin a single and those are, that the constantly at- ftring, without being very well paid for tends St. James's Chapel, for the sake it. Then the must have all the best of the anthem and the rest of the mufic: hands and voices; and has almost as and, out of the many pounds idly Iquan- large a fet of performers in pay as the dered in minims and semi-quavers, foine manager of the opera. It puis me quite few are dedicated to charities, which are out of patience to see these fellows ftrutpromoted by mutical performances. ting about my house, dreit up like lords

But what makes this rage after catgut and gentlemen. Not a single fiddler, or more irkfome and intolerable to ine is, singer, but what appears in lace or em. that I have not myself the leat idea of broidery; and I once mistook my wife's what they call Taite, and it almost drives chief musician for a foreign ambassador. memut to be pertered with it. I am a It is imposible to recount the nuinplain man, and have not the least spice berlels follies, to which this ridiculous of a Connoiseur in my compofion; yet painon for music exposes her. Her de. nothing will fatisfy my wife, unless I ar. votion to the art makes her alıoft adore pear as fond of fuch nonsenfe as hertelf. the profesors of it. A musician is a About a month ago the prevailed on me greater man in her eye than a duke; to attend her to the Opera, where every and she would froner oblige an operadying fall made her expire, as well as finger than a countess. She is as buly Lały Townly. She was ravished with in promoting their benefits, as if the was one air, in extasies at another, applaud- to have the receipts of the house; and, ed Ricciarelli, encored Mingotii, and, quarreis with all her acquaintance who in short, alled like an absolute mad- will not permit her to load them with woman; while the performance, and ber tickets. Every fiddler in town makes it behaviour, had a quite di Acient effect his business to scrape an acquaintance upon me, who fat dumb with crunon, with her; and an Italian is no sooner • molt musical, most melancholy,' at her imporied, than Me becomes a part of elbow. When we came home again, my wife's band of performers. In the the seemned as happy as harmony could late Opera disputes, the has been a most make her; but I mutt own, that I was furious parizan; and it is impossible for all discord, and most heartily vexed at any patriot to feel more anxiety for the being made a fool in public, • Weil, danger of Blakeney and Minorca, than

my dear,' faid the, how do you like the has tuffered on account of the Opera, • the Opera?'- Zounds, Madam, I and the loss of Mingotti.

would as soon be dragged through an I do not believe iny wife has a fingle • horsepond, as to go to an opera with idea except recitative, airs, counter! you again.'-' O fie, but you muit tenor, thorough-bais, &c. which are • be delighted with The Mingotti.'- perpetually finging in her head. When Tbe Mingotti! The Devil.'-Well, we it together, inttead of joining in any • I am Yorry for it, Sir Aaron, but I agreeable conversation, the is always i find you have no Ear. _ Ear, Ma. either humming a tunc, or discourfing • dam? I had rather cut off my ears, . moft eloquent music.” Nature has de • piian suffer them to make me an ideot,' nied her a voice; but as Italy bas given To this ihe made no reply, bui beyan her Taste and a graceful manner, the is a favourite opera tune, and, after taking continually queaking out strains, iefs a tour round the room, like one of the melodious than the harınony of balladsingers, left me alone.

finging in our streets, or píalm-finging If my wife could be satisfied, like in a country-church. To make her stadt other musical ladies, with arcending more ridiculous, the learns to play on public performances, and now and then that malcaline instrument the bais-voil;

the pleasure of which nothing can pret But this, alas! is coming to extrevail on her to forego, as the bals-viol, mities, which I am alınoit afraid to venfhe daily tells me, contains the whole ture, and would endeavour to avoid. I power and very foul of harmony. have no alertio: to music; but I would

What method, Mr. Town, ihall I not be a fiddler: nor do I dislike comparsue to cure my wife of this musical pany; yet I would as soon keep an inn, phrenzy? I have some thoughts of hold. as convert my house into a theatre for ing weekly a burlesque Rorotorio, com- all the idle things of both sexes to afa poled ot"mock-airs, with erind accom- femble an. But mv wife's affections are panyments of the Jew's Harp, Woollen so wedded to the Gamut, that I cannot Spoons, and Marrowbones and Cleavers, devile any means to wean her from this on the same day with my wife's concert; folly. If I could make her fond of and have actually sent to two of Mrs. dress, or teach her to love cards, plays, Midnight's hands to teach me the art and or any thing but music, I should be hapmittery of playing on the Broomitick py.. This method of destroying my and Hardy-Gurdy, at ibe same time p-ace with harmonv, is no better than that my wife learns on the bass-viol. I tickling me to deatlı; and to squander have also a ítrong rough voice, which away tuch fume of money on a parcel of will enable me to roar out Bumper, bawling scraping rascals in laced coats Squire Jones, Roart Beef, or some other and bag wigs, is absolutely giving away old English ballad, whenever the begins mv ettate for an old song. Youi, Mr. to trill furth her melodious airs in Ita- Towi), are a protestul Connoisseur; therelian. If this has no eft:&t, I will learn fore, either give me a little Talte, or to beat the drum, or wind the post-horn: teach my wife to abandon it: for at and if I should Mill find it impossible for present we are but a jingling pair, and noise and clamour to overcome the found there is not the least harmony between of her voices and infruments, I have us, though, like bass and treble, we are resolved peremptorily to thutiny doors obliged io join in concert. I am, Sir, againft fingers and fiddlers, and even to your hunble servant, demolith her harpsichord and bats-viol. T





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marle my heir. The abject spirit of SIR,

these wretches flatters me, and amuies i Am a rich old bachelor, and, like me. I am indolent, and hate contra

other ancient gentlemen of that cr- diction; and can safely fay, that not one der, am very fond of being indulged in of iny acquaintance has contradi&ted all my odd humours, and always hav.. me for these teren years. There is not ing my own way. This is one realon one of then but would be glad if I I never married: for if my wife had woull Ipic in his face, or rejoice at a been a fuewish termagant, she would kick of the breech from me, if they have killed me; and if he had been a thought I ineint it as a token of my fatame domestic animal, I should have miliarity. When I am grave, they apkilled her. But the way of life I have paar as duil as mutes at a funerai: when now fallen inco is, of all others, the best I (inile, they gria like monkies: when calculated to gratify my fantastical tein- I tell a filiy itory, they chuckle over per. I have no near relation, indeed, every ridiculous particular, and shaker who will fubmit to be treated as an their fides in adoziration of my wito bumble coulin all my life, in hopes of Sometimes I pretend to be short-fighted, being happy at my death; yet I abound and then not one of them fees farther in sycopaanes and followers, every one than his nose. They (wallow four wine, of when I delude, like another Vol- eat multy victuals, and are proud to pone, with the expeútations of being ride in my old boots.


your a ivice, ,

I have heen told of a certain prelate, rounds, and not leave even my hult, who brought his chaplain; to such a although it were cait in plaiiter of Paris

of sev vility, that atier every deal by Mr. Racitrow, or worked up in wax at whift

, they would ask him what he by Mr. Goupy. Or fuppofing: in imi. would chuse to have for trumps next tation of some of my predei eflors, I deal? I keep my fellows in equal goud were to bequeath my fortune to iny order. They all think me a close old housekeeper, and recommend her in my hunks; and, imagining that winning will as a pattern of virtue, diligence, their money will put me in good humour and every good quality, what will be with thein, they practise all the arts of the effect? In three weeks after my Tharping to chear themteives. I have death the will marry an Irishman, and known them pack the cards at Whit, I shall not even enjoy my monument that I might hold all the four honours and inarble periwig in Westminster in my own hand: they will load the Abhey. dice in my favour at Hiszard; pocket Nothing perplexes me so much as the thenielves on purpose at Billiards; and disposal of iny money by my last will at Bowis, if any one is near winning anú teftament. While I am living is the game, he never fails in the next cait procures the most lervile compliance to miitake his biats. It is impoffible with all my whims from my sycophants, for the most despotic monarch to be and several other conveniencies: but í more absolute over his subjects, than I would fain buy fame with it after my am over these Naves and sycophants. death. Do but instrust me how I may Yet, in spite of all their endeavours to lay it out in the moit valuable purchases oblige me, I must heartily delpife them; of this fort; only discover fome new and have already drawn up a will, in object of charity, and perhaps I may which I have bequeathed to each of them bequeath you a round sum of money for a milling and a dog.collar.

But, though I have setried in my mind I am, Sir, your humble servant, what legacies I shall leave to them, I

THOMAS VAINALL. have not thoroughly letölved in what manner I shall dispose of the bulk of It is said by an old poet, that no man's my estate. Indvel, I am fully deter- life can be called happy ar unhappy till mined, like moit other wealthy bache- his death; in like manner, I have often lors, either to leave my fortune to fome thought that no words or actions are a oftentatious pious uses, or to persons better comment on a person's temper whom I have never seen, and for whofe, and disposition, than his last will and characters I have not the lealt regard or testament. This is a true portraiture esteem. To fpeak fincerely, oftentation of himself, drawn at full length by his carries away iny whole heart: but then own hand, in which the painting is it is a little difficult to find out a new commonly very lively, and the features object to indulge my vanity, whilst I very ítri ingly marked. In the discharge am on this fide the grave; by securing of this folemn act, people sign and feal to me a certain prospect of posthumous themselves either wile and good characfame, which is always so agreeable to ters, or villains and tools: and any perliving pride.

fon that makes a ridiculous will, and The hospitals are so numerous, that bequeaths his money to frivolous vles, my name will be lost among those more only takes a great deal of pains, like known and established of Guy, Mor. Dogberry in the play, ' that he may be den, Bancroft, and I know not who. 6 fet down an 3fs.' Belides, in the space of four or five cen- The love of fame governs our actions turits, pe: haps, it inay be thought, not. more universally than any other passion. withstanding my whole length picture All the rest gradually drop off, but this and ftatue, that I had alritance from runs through our whole lives. This parliament. If I order my money to perhaps is one of the chief inducements be laid out in churciies, they will never that influences wealthy persons to hebe built, if in temples, gardens, lakes, queath their pufillions to oftentatious obelisks, and ferpentine rivers, the next uses; and they would as wlingly lay generation of the fons of Talte will de. out a considerable fun in buying a great molith all my works, turn iny rounds name (if pollibi-) at their death, as intu Iquares, and my Squares into they would bestow it on the purchase of

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