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after feveral rogueries, too evident to all, except the blindly-good natured, he went off with my wife's gold repeating-watch, and a pair of our beft filver candlesticks, with which he voluntarily transported humfelf, as we have been fince told, to the Weft Indies; leaving his mistress the nursery maid big with child, and thereby giving great licence to the neighbourhood to animadvert upon my wife's amazing prefcience in foreseeing his excellencies as a husband.

You must know, Sir, that my dear confort, in the full glow of her goodnefs, is never contented unless her fervants marry each other. All I can urge against fo impolitic a custom has been to no purpose: marriage, the fays, prevents vice, and faves fouls from deftruction. Perhaps it may: but are no unmarried fervants to be found in Mr. Fielding's Register-office, or elsewhere, but what are vicious? At least, I am fure that this piece of fanctity is very expenfive in it's effects, and is attended with many inconveniencies. One of her maids, about two years ago, was dif covered to be very intimate with my footman: my wife, to prevent ill confequences, haftened to have them married, and was prefent herself at the ceremony. She admired the modefty of the woman, and the fober gravity of the man, during the holy rites; and was entirely convinced that no harm could have happened from fo decent a couple. In a fhort space after the marriage, Patty brought forth a fwinging girl; but as it was born almoft fix months before it's time, my wife advifed them to keep it the remaining half year in cotton. She did this purely from a motive of goodnature, to fhield, if poffible, the newmarried woman's reputation; but finding our neighbours fleer at the incident, and fimile contemptuously at the prefeription of cotton, the contented herfelf in believing Patty's own account, that in truth fhe had been married eight months before by a Fleet parfon, but was afraid to own it.

If my wife's indulging her domestics in matrimony was productive of no other all confequence than merely their being married, it might, indeed, fometimes prove a benefit: but the chafter and more fober they have been before marriage, the greater number of children are produced in matrimony; and my wife looks upon herfelf as in duty oblig

ed to take care of the poor helpless offfprings, that have been begotten under her own roof; fo that I affure you, Sir, my houfe is fo well filled with children, that it would put you immediately in mind of the Foundling Hofpital; with this difference, however, that in my Hofpital not only the children are provided for, whether baftards or legiti mate, but alfo the fathers and mothers.

Your office, Mr. Cenfor, requires and leads you to hear domestic occurrences; otherwise I should scarce have troubled you with the records of a private family, almoft ruined by excref cencies of virtue. The faine overflowing humanity runs through the whole conduct of the dear woman whom I have mentioned. Even in trifles fhe is full of works of fupererogation. Our doors are perpetually furrounded with beggars, where the halt, the maimed, and the blind, affemble in as great numbers, as at the door of the Roman Catholic Chapel in Lincoln's Inn Fields. She not only gives them money, but fends them out great quantities of bread, beer, and cold victuals; and the has her different penfioners (as the herself calls them) for every day in the week. But the expence attending thefe outdoor petitioners, many of whom have from time to time been difcovered to be impoftors, is nothing in comparison to the fums that are almost daily drawn from her by begging letters. It is impoffible to imagine a calamity, by which the has not been a fufferer, in relieving thofe who have extorted money from her by pretended misfortunes. The poor lady has been much hurt by loffes in trade, fattained great damages by fire, undergone many hardships from ficknefs, and other unferefeen accidents; and it was but yefterday that the paid a long apothecary's bill, brought on by a violent fever. Thus, Sir, though my wife keeps but little company, and the family expences are to all appearance very fmall, set this dear woman's fuperabundant Good-nature is fuch a perpetual drawback on her œconomy, that we run out confiderably. This extravagant and ill-judged Generosity renders all her numerous excellencies of none effect: and I have often known her almost deftitute of cloaths, becaufe the had diftributed her whole wardrobe among lyars, fycophants, and hypocrites.

Thus,

Thus, Sir, as briefly as I can, I have fet before you my unhappy cafe. I am perifhing by degrees; not by any real extravagance, any defigned ruin, or any indulgence of luxury and riot, in the person who destroys me. On the contrary, no woman can excel my wife in the fimplicity of her drefs, the humility of her defires, or the contented eafinefs of her nature. What name, Sir, fhall I give to my misfortunes? They proceed not from vice, nor even from folly: they proceed from too tender a heart; a heart that hurries away, or abforbs all judgment or reflection. To call thefe errors the fruits of Good-nature, is too mild a definition: and yet, to give them an harther appellation, is unkind. Let me fuffer what I will, I muft kifs the dear hand that ruins me.

In my tender hours of fpeculation I would willingly impute my wife's faults to our climate, and the natural difpofition of our natives. When the English are good-natured, they are generally fo to excefs and as I have not feen this particular character delineated in any of your papers, I have endeavoured to paint it myfelf; and fhall draw to the conclufion of my letter by one piece of advice, Not to be GENEROUS over

much. The highest acts of Generofity are feldom repaid in any other coin but bafenefs and ingratitude: and we ought ever to remember, that, out of ten lepers cleanfed, one only came back to return thanks; the reit were made whole, and went their way.'

I am, Sir, your most humble fervant,
TIMON OF LONDON.

N° XCIX. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 1755.

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DEA VENIAM, SERVIRE TUIS QUOD NOLO CALENDIS.

MART.

THY WORKS, O WING, O PARTRIDGE, I DESPISE,
AND ROBIN'S FOR THE POOR, AND RYDER'S FOR THE WISE.

TO MR. TOWN.

T this feafon of the year, while the

rect the vulgar tradesman and mechanic when to open fhop or go to work: but perfons of fashion, whofe hours are not

Aftreets refound with the cry of marked by the course of that luminary,

New Almanacks,' and every ftall is covered with News from the Stars, Diaries, Predictions, Compleat Ephemerides, &c. drawn up by Partridge, Parker, Vincent Wing, and the rest of the fagacious body of Philomaths and Aftrologers, give me leave to acquaint you of my intentions of appearing annually in a like capacity. You must know, Sir, that having obferved, that among the great variety of Almanacks now publifhed, there is not one contrived for the ufe of people of fashion, I have refolved to remedy this defect by publishing one every year under the title of the Court Calendar, calculated for the Meridian of St. James's.

The plan which has been hitherto followed by our Almanack-makers, can be of no use whatever to the polite world, who are as widely feparated, in their manner of living, from the common herd of people, as the inhabitants of the Antipodes. To know the exact Rifing and Setting of the Sun, may ferve to dis

are indifferent about it's motions; and, like thofe who live under the Equinoctial Line, have their days and nights of an equal degree of length all the year round. The Red-letter-days, pointed out in our common Almanacks, may perhaps be obferved by fome formal ladies, who regulate their going to church by them: but people of quality perceive no difference between the Moveable or Immoveable Feafts and Fafts, and know no ufe of Sunday, but as it ferves to call them to the card-table. What advantage can a beau reap from Rider's Lift of the Fairs, which can only be of service to his groom? Or what ufe can any gentleman or lady make of thofe Diaries now infcribed to them, which are filled with Algebra and the Mathematics? In a word, the prefent uncouth way of divid ing the months into Saints Days, Sundays, and the like, is no more adapted to the prefent modes of polite life, than the Roman divifion into Ides, Nones, and Calends.

Instead

Instead of fuppofing with the vulgar tribe of Aftronomers, that the day begins at Sunrife, my day, which will commence at the time that it ufually breaks into fashionable apartinents, will he determined by the Rifing of people of quality. Thus the morning dawns with early rifers between eleven and twelve; and noon commences at four, when, at this time of the year, the dinner and wax-lights come in together. For want of a thorough knowledge of the diftribution of the day, all who have any connection with the polite world' might be guilty of many mittakes; and when an honelt man from Cornhill intended a nobleman a vilit after dinner, he would perhaps find him fipping his morning chocolate. The inconveniencies of the Old Stile in our manner of reckoning the days were fo manifeit, that it was thought proper to amend them by Act of Parliament. I am refolved, in like manner, to introduce the New Stile of dividing the Hours into my Almanack for can any thing be more abfurd than to fix the name of morning, noon, and evening, at prefent at the fame hours, which bore those appellations in the reign of Queen Elizabeth? A Duchefs is to far from dining at eleven, that it often happens, that Her Grace has not then opened her eves on the tea-table; and a Maid of Honour would no mere rife at five or fix in the morning, as it was called by the early dames of Queen Bels's court, than fhe would, in imitation of thole dames, breakfast upon ftrong beer and beefiteaks. Indeed, in thofe houfes where the hours of quality are obferved by one part of the family, the impolite irregularity of the other, in adhering to the Old Stile, occafions great difturbance; for, as Lady Townly fays- Such a houfe is worfe than an inn with ten ftage-coaches. What between the • impertinent people of business in a morning, and the intolerable thick thoes of footmen at noon, one has not a wink of fleep all night."

The reformation which I have alfo made in respect to the Red-letter-days is no lefs confiderable. I have not only wiped away that immenfe catalogue of Saints which croud the Popish Calendar, but have alfo blotted out ail the other Saints that still retain their places in our common Almanacks: well knowing,

that perfons of fashion pay as little attention to the Apottles and Evangelifts, as to St. Mildred, St. Bridget, or St. Indeed, I retain the old Winifred. name of St. John, becaufe I am fure that people of quality will not think of any body's being defigned under that title, except the late Lord Bolingbroke. Having thus difcharged the Saints, people whom nobody knows, I have taken care to introduce my readers into the beft company: for the Red-letters in my Calendar will ferve to diftinguish thofe days on which ladies of the first fashion keep their routs and visitingdays; a work of infinite use, as well to the perfons of diftinction themieives, as to all those who have any intercourfe with the polite world. That feafon of the year, commonly diftinguished by the appellation of Lent, which implies a time of fatting, I fhall confider, according to it's real fignification in the beau monde, as a yearly feftival; and fhall, therefore, mention it under the denomiThe pronation of The Carnival. priety of this will be evident at first fight; fince nothing is fo plain, as that, at this feafon, all kinds of diverfion and jollity are at their height in this metropolis. Instead of the Man in the Almanack, I at firft intended (in imitation of Mr. Dodsley's Memorandum Beok) to delineate the figure of a Fine Gentleman, dreffed à la mode: but I was at length determined, by the advice of fome ingenious friends, to fuffer the old picture to remain there; fince, as it appears to be run through the body in feveral places, it may not improperly reprefent that fashionable character, a Duellift.

In the place which is allotted in other Almanacks for the Change of Weather, (as hail, froft, fnow, cloudy, and the like) I fhall fet down the Change of Drefs, appropriated to different scatons, and ranged under the titles of Hats, Capuchins, Cardinals, Sacks, Negli gees, Ganze Handkerchiefs, Ermine Tippets, Mufis, &c. and in a parallel column (according to the cuftom of other Almanacks) thall point out the feveral parts of the body affected by thefe changes; iuch as head, neck, breaft, fhoulders, face, bands, feet, legs, &c. And as Mr. Rider accompanies every month with feator able Cautions about fowing turnips, railing cabbages, bloedletting, and the like important articles,

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N° C. THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1755.

SIR,

ILICET PARASITICE ARTI MAXIMAM IN MALAM CRUCEM!
ABEO AB ILLIS, POSTQUAM VIDEO ME SIC LUDIFICARIER.
PERGO AD ALIOS: VENIO AD ALIOS: DEINDE AD ALIOS:
UNA RES.

LET TYBURN TAKE THE FLATTERERS AND THEIR ARTS;
TO FOOLS A MAYGAME 1, A MAN OF PARTS:
PULL'D BY THE NOSE BY ONE; I'M KICK'D BY T'OTHER;
AND EACH SWORN FOOL, I SWEAR, HAS HIS SWORN BROTHER.

TO MR. TOWN.

Am one of thofe idle people (of whom you have lately given an account) who not being bred to any bufinefs, or able to get a livelihood by work, have taken up the fervile trade of a Hanger on. But as you have only just touched on the many dangers and difficulties incident to this way of life, in order to illustrate this part of the character, give me leave to present you with a narrative of my own adventures.

I first ferved my time with an old nobleman in the country; and as I was a diftant relation of his lordship's, I was admitted to the honour of attending him in the double capacity of valet and apothecary. My bufinefs in a morning was to wait on him at dreifing-time; to hold the hafon while he washed his hands, buckle his fhoes, and tie on his neckcloth: befides which, his lordship had fuch a regard for me, that nobody but my felf was ever truited with cutting his corns, or paring his toe nails; and whenever he was fick, it was always my effice to hold his head during the ope ration of an emeric, to attend him in the

PLAUT.

water-clofet when he took a cathartic, and fometimes to administer a clyfter. If his lordship had no company, I was, indeed, permitted to fit at table with him; but when he received any viûtors more grand than ordinary, I was equipped (together with foine of the beltlooking tenants) in a tve-wig, fulltrimmed coat, and laced waistcoat, in order to fwell the retinue of his fervants out of livery. I bore my flavery with the greatest degree of patience; as my lord would often hint to me, that I was provided for in his will: however, I had the mortification to find myself tupplanted in his good graces by the Chaplain, who had always looked upon me as his rival, and contrived at length to out-wheedle, out-fawn, and out-cringe me. In a word, my lord died:-and while the Chaplain (who conftantly prayed by him during his laft illne's) had the confolation of having a good benefice fecured to him in the will, my name was huddied among thofe of the common fervants, with no higher legacy than twenty guineas to buy mourning.

With this fmall pittance, (befides what I had made a shift to squeeze out

of

of the tenants and tradesmen, as fees for my good word when I had his lordship's ear) I came up to town, and embarked all I was worth in fitting myfelf out as a gentleman. Soon after, as good luck would have it, the nephew and heir of the old lord came from abroad; when I contrived to get into his favour by abufing his deceased uncle, and faitened my felf upon him. It is true, he fupported me; admitted me into an equal share of his purfe; but confidering the dangers to which I was constantly expofed on his account, I regarded his bounties as only plaifters to my fores. My head, back, and ribs, have received many a payment, which fhould have been placed to his lordship's account: and I once narrowly efcaped being hanged for murdering a poor fellow whom my lord in a frolic had run through the body. My patron, among other marks of his tatte, kept a miftrefs; and I, as his particular crony, and a man of honour, was allowed to vifit her. It happened one evening he unluckily furprised us in fome unguard ed familiarities together: but my lord was fo far from being enraged at it, that he only kicked madam down ftairs, and very coolly kicked me down after her.

:

I was thrown now upon the wide world again but as I never wanted affurance, I foon made myself very fami liarly acquainted with a young gentleinan from Ireland, who was just come over to England to spend his estate here. I must own, I had fome difficulty in keeping on good terms with this new friend; as I had fo many of his own Countrymen to contend with, who all claimed a right of acquaintance with him, and fome of them even pretendal to be related to him. Befides, they all perfuaded the young fquire, that they had fortunes in different parts of Ireland; though not one of them had any real estate more than myfelf: and, indeed, I also had a nominal 1500l. per ann. in the West Indies. Thefe furious fellows (for, Sir, they would all fight) gave me much trouble: however, I found out my young friend's foible, and in fpite of his countrymen became his infeparable companion. He was not only very fond of women, but had a particular paffion for new faces: and to humour this inclination, I was perpetually on the look-out to discover fresh pieces for him. I brought him mantua

makers, milliners, and fervant-maids in abundance; and at length grew fo great a favourite, by having prevailed on one of my own coulins to comply with his propofals, that I verily believe he would foon have made me eafy for life in an handfonie annuity, if he had not been unfortunately run through the body in a duel by one of his own countrymen.

I next got in favour with an old colonel of the Guards, who happened to take a fancy to me one evening at the Tilt Yard Coffee-houfe, for having carried off a pint bumper more than a lieutenant of a man of war that had challenged my toast. As his fole delight was centered in the bottle, all he required of me was to drink glafs for glafs with him; which I readily complied with, as he always paid my reckoning; When fober, he was the beft humoured man in the world: but he was very apt to be quarrelfome and extremely mifchievous when in liquor. He has more than once flung a bottle at my head, and emptied the contents of a bowl of punch in my face: fometimes he has diverted himself by ferting fire to my ruffles, fhaking the afhes of his pipe over my periwig, or making a thrult at me with the red-hot poker: and I remember he once foufed me all over with the urine of the whole company, by clapping a large pewter Jordan toplyturvy upon my head. All these indignities I very patiently put up with, as he was fure to make me double amends for them the next morning: and I was very near procuring a commission in the army through his intereft, when to my great difappointment he was fuddenly carried off by an apoplexy.

You will be furprised when I tell you, that I next contrived to squeeze myself into the good opinion of a rich old curmudgeon, a city merchant, and one of the Circumcifed. He could have no objection to my religion, as I used to spend every Sunday with him at his countryhouse, where I preferred playing at cards to going to church. Nor could I, indeed, get any thing out of him beyond a dinner: but I had higher points in view. As he had nobody to inherit his fortune but an only daughter, (who was kept always in the country) I became fo defperately in love with her, that I would even have turned Jew to obtain her: but instead of that, I very foolish

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