6 At my leaving the coffee-house, I could not forbear reflecting with myself upon that gross tribe of fools who may be termed the over-wise and upon the difficulty of writing any thing in this censorious age which a weak head may not construe into private satire and personal reflection. of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for a little amends for it in his next sentence where my own use, Ilighted it at the little wax candle he leaves a blank space without so much as that stood before them: and, after having a consonant to direct us. I mean,' says I, thrown in two or three whiff's amongst them, after those words, "the fleet that used to be sat down and made one of the company. the terror of the ocean, should be wind-bound need not tell my reader that lighting a man's for the sake of a-;" after which ensues a pipe at the same candle is looked upon among chasm, that in my opinion looks modest brother smoakers as an overture to conversa- enough.' 'Sir,' says my antagonist, you may tion and friendship. As we here laid our heads easily know his meaning by his gaping; I suptogether in a very amicable manner, being en- pose he designs his chasm, as you call it, for trenched under a cloud of our own raising, Ian hole to creep out at, but I believe it will took up the last Spectator, and casting my eye hardly serve his turn. Who can endure to over it, The Spectator,' says I, 'is very witty see the great officers of state, the B-y's and to-day' upon which a lusty lethargic old gen-T-t's, treated after so scurrilous a manner ?' tleman, who sat at the upper end of the table, I cant for my life, says I, imagine who they having gradually blown out of his mouth a are the Spectator means.' No!' says he:great deal of smoke, which he had been col-Your humble servant, sir! Upon which he lecting for some time before, Ay,' says he. flung himself back in his chair after a conmore witty than wise, I am afraid.' His temptuous manner, and smiled upon the old neighbour, who sat at his right hand, immedi- lethargic gentleman on his left hand, who ately coloured, and, being an angry politician, I found was his great admirer. The whig laid down his pipe with so much wrath that however had begun to conceive a good-will tohe broke it in the middle, and by that means wards me, and, seeing my pipe out, very genfurnished me with a tobacco-stopper. I took erously offered me the use of his box; but I it up very sedately, and, looking him full in declined it with great civility, being obliged the face, made use of it from time to time all to meet a friend about that time in another the while he was speaking: This fellow, quarter of the city. says he, 'cannot for his life keep out of politics. Do you see how he abuses four great men here ?' I fixed my eye very attentively on the paper, and asked him if he meant those who were represented by astericks. Asterisks,' says he, 'do you call them? they are all of them stars-he might as well have put garters to them. Then pray do but mind the A man who has a good nose at an inuendo two or three next lines: Ch-rch and p-dd-ng smells treason and sedition in the most innoin the same sentence! Our clergy are very cent words that can be put together, and much beholden to him!' Upon this the third never sees a vice or folly stigmatized but finds gentleman, who was of a mild disposition, out one or other of his acquaintance pointed und, as I found, a whig in his heart, desired at by the writer. I remember an empty praghim not to be too severe upon the Spectator matical fellow in the country, who, upon neither; for,' says he, you find he is very reading over The Whole Duty of Man, had cautious of giving offence, and has therefore written the names of several persons in the put two dashes into his pudding. A fig for village at the side of every sin which is menhis dash,' says the angry politician; in his tioned by that excellent author; so that he next sentence he gives a plain inuendo that had converted one of the best books in the our posterity will be in a sweet p-ckle. What world into a libel against the 'squire, churchdoes the fool mean by his pickle? Why does wardens, overseers of the poor, and all other he not write it at length, if he means honest- the most considerable persons in the parish. ly?' I have read over the whole sentence,' This book, with these extraordinary marginal says I; but look upon the parenthesis in notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one the belly of it to be the most dangerous who had never seen it before; upon which part, and as full of insinuations as it can hold. there arose a current report that somebody But who,' says I, 'is my lady Q-p-t-s?' Ay, had written a book against the 'squire and answer that if you can, sir,' says the furious the whole parish. The minister of the place, statesman to the poor whig that sat over against having at that time a controversy with some of him. But, without giving him time to reply, his congregation upon the account of his 'I do assure you,' says he, 'were I my lady tithes, was under some suspicion of being the Q-p-t-s, I would sue him for scandalum magna-author, until the good man set his people right, tum. What is the world come to? Must eve-by showing them that the satirical passages ry body be allowed to-?' He had by this time might be applied to several others of two or filled a new pipe, and, applying it to his lips, three neighbouring villages, and that the when we expected the last word of his sen- book was written against all the sinners in tence, put us off with a whiff of tobacco; England. which he redoubled with so much rage and trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole No. 569.] Monday, July 19, 1714. company. After a short pause, I owned that I thought the Spectator had gone too far in writing so many letters of my lady Q-p-t-s's name: 'but, however,' says 1, 'he has made Regis dicuntur multis urgere culullis Wise were the kings, who never chose a friend Roscommon. sprout up in the soul and show itself; it gives fury to the passions, and force to those objects which are apt to produce them. When a young fellow complained to an old philosoNo vices are so incurable as those which pher that his wife was not handsome, 'Put men are apt to glory in. One would wonder less water in your wine,' says the philosopher how drunkenness should have the good luck and you will quickly make her so. Wine to be of this number. Anacharsis, being in-heightens indifference into love, love into jeavited to a match of drinking at Corinth, de- lousy, and jealousy into madness. It often manded the prize very humorously, because he turns the good-natured man into an idiot, and was drunk before any of the rest of the com- the choleric into an assassin. It gives bitterpany: 'for,' says he, when we run a race, he ness to resentment, it makes vanity insupportwho arrives at the goal first is entitled to the able, and displays every little spot of the soul reward:' on the contrary, in this thirsty gene-in its utmost deformity. Nor does this vice only betray the hidden ration, the honour falls upon him who carries off the greatest quantity of liquor, and knocks faults of a man, and show them in the most down the rest of the company I was the other odious colours, but often occasions faults to day with honest Will Funnel, the West Saxon which he is not naturally subject. There is who was reckoning up how much liquor had more of turn than of truth in a saying of Sepassed through him in the last twenty years neca, that drunkenness does not produce but of his life, which according to his computa- discover faults. Common experience teaches tion, amounted to twenty-three hogsheads of the contrary. Wine throws a man out of himOctober, four tons of port, half a kilderkin self, and infuses qualities into the mind which of small beer, nineteen barrels of cider, and she is a stranger to in her sober moments. three glasses of champaign; besides which The person you converse with after the third he had assisted at four hundred bowls of punch bottle, is not the same man who at first sat not to mention sips, drams, and whets without down at table with you. Upon this maxim is number. I question not but every reader's founded one of the prettiest sayings I ever met memory will suggest to him several ambi-with, which is ascribed to Publius Syrus, tious young men who are as vain in this par- Qui ebrium ludificat, lædit absentem:''He ticular as Will Funnel, and can boast of as who jests upon a man that is drunk, injures the absent.' glorious exploits. Thus does drunkenness act in a direct conOur modern philosophers observe, that there is a general decay of moisture in the tradiction to reason, whose business it is to globe of the earth. This they chiefly ascribe clear the mind of every vice which is crept to the growth of vegetables, which incorpo- into it, and to guard it against all the aprate into their own substance many fluid bo-proaches of any that endeavours to make its But besides these ill effects, which dies that never return again to their former entrance. nature: but, with submission, they ought to this vice produces in the person who is actuthrow into their account those innumerable ally under its dominion, it has also a bad inrational beings which fetch their nourishment fluence on the mind, even in its sober mochiefly out of liquids: especially when we ments, as it insensibly weakens the underconsider that men, compared with their fellow standing, impairs the memory, and makes creatures, drink much more than comes to those faults habitual which are produced by frequent excesses. their share. But, however highly this tribe of people I shall now proceed to show the ill effects may think of themselves, a drunken man is a which this vice has on the bodies and fortunes greater monster than any that is to be found of men; but these I shall reserve for the subamong all the creatures which God has made; ject of some future paper. as indeed there is no character which appears Wednesday, July 21, 1714. -Nugaque canora. Chiming trifles. Hor. Ars. Poet. ver. 322. THERE is scarcely a man living who is not actuated by ambition. When this principle meets with an honest mind and great abili ties, it does infinite service to the world; on the contrary, when a man only thinks of distinguishing himself, without being thus qualified for it, he becomes a very pernicious or a very ridiculous creature. I shall here confine myself to that petty kind of ambition, by which In regard to the mind, it first of all discovers some men grow eminent for odd accomplishevery flaw in it. The sober man, by the ments and trivial performances. How many strength of reason, may keep under and sub-are there whose whole reputation depends due every vice or folly to which he is most in- upon a pun or a quibble? You may often see clined; but wine makes every latent seed an artist in the streets gain a circle of admi This vice has very fatal effects on the mind, the body, and fortune, of the person who is devoted to it. rers by carying a long pole upon his chin or would accompany his voice with a tobaccoforehead in a perpendicular posture. Ambi- pipe. As my friend has an agreeable bass, he tion has taught some to write with their feet, chose rather to sing to the frying-pan, and inand others to walk upon their hands. Some deed between them they made up a most extumble into fame, others grow immortal by throwing themselves through a hoop. Cætera de genere hoc adeo sunt multa, loquacem. Hor. Sat i. Lib. 1. 13. With thousands more of this ambitious race Horneck. I am led into this train of thought by an adventure I lately met with. traordinary concert. Finding our landlord so great a proficient in kitchen music, I asked him if he was master of the tongs and key. He told me that he had laid it down some years since, as a little unfashionable; but that, if I pleased, he would give me a lesson upon the gridiron. He then informed me, that he had added two bars to the gridiron, in order perceived was as well pleased with the invento give it a greater compass of sound; and I tion as Sappho could have been upon adding two strings to the lute. To be short, I found that his whole kitchen was furnished with musical instruments: and could not but look upon this artist as a kind of burlesque musician. I was the other day at a tavern, where the master of the house accommodated us himself with every thing we wanted, I accidentally fell into discourse with him and talking of a certain great man, who shall be nameless, he He afterwards, of his own accord, fell into the told me that he had sometimes the honour to imitation of several singing birds. My friend treat him with a whistle; adding (by way of and I toasted our mistresses to the nightingale, parenthesis) for you must know, gentlemen, when all of a sudden we were surprised with that I whistle the best of any man in Europe.' the music of the thrush. He next proceeded This naturally put me upon desiring him to to the skylark, mounting up by a proper scale give us a sample of his art; upon which he of notes, and afterwards falling to the ground called for a case-knife, and, applying the edge with a very easy and regular descent. He then of it to his mouth, converted it into a musical contracted his whistle to the voice of several instrument, and entertained me with an Italian birds of the smallest size. As he is a man of solo. Upon laying down the knife, he took a larger bulk and higher stature than ordinary, up a pair of clean tobacco pipes; and, after you would fancy him a giant when you looked having slid the small end of them over the table upon him, and a tom-tit when you shut your in a most melodious trill, he fetched a tune out of them whistling to them at the same time in concert. In short, the tobacco pipes became musical pipes in the hands of our virtuoso, who confessed to me ingenuously, he had broke such quantities of them, that he had almost broke himself before he had brought this piece of music to any tolerable perfection. I then told him I would bring a company of friends to dine with him next week, as an encouragement to his ingenuity; upon which he thanked me, saying that he would provide himself with a new frying-pan against that day. I replied, that it was no matter; roast and boiled would serve our turn. He smiled at my simplicity, and told me that it was his design to give us a tune upon it. As I was surprised at such a promise, he sent for an old frying-pan, and grating it upon the board, whistled to it in such a melodious manner, that you could scarcely distinguish it from a base-viol. He then took his seat with us at the table, and hearing any friend that was with me hum over a tune to himself, he told him if he would sing out, he *This eccentric man kept a public house, the sign of the Queen's-arms, near the end of the Little Piazza in Covent-garden. His death is thus noticed in the London Mag. for April, 1738. eyes. I must not omit acquainting my reader that this accomplished person was formerly the master of a toy-shop near Temple-bar; and that the famous Charles Mathers was bred up under him. I am told that the misfortunes which he has met with in the world are chiefly owing to his great application to his music; and therefore cannot but recommend him to my readers as one who deserves their favour, and may afford them great diversion over a bottle of wine, which he sells at the Queen'sarms, near the end of the little piazza in Covent-garden. No. 571. Friday, July 23, 1714. -Cœlum quid quærimus ultra ? What seek we beyond heaven? As the work I have engaged in will not only consist of papers of humour and learning, but of several essays moral and divine, I shall publish the following one, which is founded on a former Spectator, and sent me by a particular friend, not questioning but it will please such of my readers as think it no disparagement to their understandings to give way fometimes to a serious thought. 4 SIR, "Death-Near Fishmonger's Hall, the celebrated Mr. John Dentry, better known by the appellation of Signior Denterius, which, by way of humour, he assumed and put 'In your paper of Friday the ninth instant, upon his sign. He kept a public house, not only at the time you had occasion to consider the ubiquity of of his death, but when the Spectators were writing; and the Godhead, and at the same time to show, from the odd talents he was possessed of, and his whim sical ways of entertaining his customers, furnished a sub-that, as he is present to every thing, he cannot ject for one of those excellent papers. Among many but be attentive to every thing, and privy to other surprising endowments, the Signior had that of all the modes and parts of its existence: or, whistling, by the help of a kuife, to so great a perfection, in other words, that the omniscience and omthat he became as famous for that, as most of the Italian Signiors have been for singing, who excel likewise in pipresence are co-existent and run together that way, by the help of a knife." through the whole infinitude of space. This consideration might furnish us with many in- Creator by what he suffers from him! He is centives to devotion, and motives to morali-as essentially present in hell as in heaven; ty; but, as this subject has been handled by but the inhabitants of the former behold him several excellent writers, I shall consider it in only in his wrath, and shrink within the a light wherein I have not seen it placed by flames to conceal themselves from him. It others. is not in the power of imagination to conceive the fearful effects of Omnipotence incensed. 'First, How disconsolate is the condition of an intellectual being, who is thus present with his Maker, but at the same time receives no extraordinary benefit or advantage from this his presence! Secondly, How deplorable is the condition of an intellectual being, who feels no other effects from his presence, but such as proceeds from divine wrath and indignation! But I shall only consider the wretchedness of an intellectual being, who in this life lies under the displeasure of him, that at all times and in all places is intimately united with him. He is able to disquiet the soul, and vex it in all its faculties. He can hinder any of the greatest comforts of life from refreshing us, and Thirdly, How happy is the condition of give an edge to every one of its slightest calathat intellectual being, who is sensible of his mities. Who then can bear the thought of Maker's presence, from the secret effects of being an outcast from his presence, that is, his mercy and loving kindness! from the comforts of it, or of feeling it only 'First, How disconsolate is the condition of in its terrors! How pathetic is that expostuan intellectual being who is thus present with lation of Job, when, for the trial of his patihis Maker, but at the same time receives no ence, he was made to look upon himself in this extraordinary benefit or advantage from this deplorable condition! "Why hast thou set me his presence! Every particle of matter is ac- as a mark against thee, so that I am become a tuated by this Almighty Being which passes burden to myself?" But, thirdly, how happy through it. The heavens and the earth, the is the condition of that intellectual being, who stars and planets, move and gravitate by virtue is sensible of his Maker's presence from the of this great principle within them. All the secret effects of his mercy and loving kinddead parts of nature are invigorated by the ness! presence of their Creator, and made capable of The blessed in heaven behold him face to exerting their respective qualities. The seve-face; that is, are as sensible of his presence ral instincts, in the brute creation, do likewise as we are of the presence of any person whom operate and work towards the several ends we look upon with our eyes. There is, doubtwhich are agreeable to them, by this divine less, a faculty in spirits, by which they appreenergy. Man only, who does not co-operate hend one another as our senses do material with his Holy Spirit, and is unattentive to his objects; and there is no question but our presence, receives none of those advantages souls, when they are disembodied, or placed in from it which are perfective of his nature, and glorified bodies, will, by this faculty, in whatnecessary to his well being. The Divinity is ever part or space they reside, be always senwith him, and in him, and every where about sible of the Divine Presence. We, who have him, but of no advantage to him. It is the this veil of flesh standing between us and the same thing to a man without religion, as if world of spirits, must be content to know that there were no God in the world. It is indeed the Spirit of God is present with us, by the impossible for an Infinite Being to remove him-effects which he produces in us. Our outward self from any of his creatures; but though he senses are too gross to apprehend him; we cannot withdraw his essence from us, which may however taste and see how gracious he would argue an imperfection in him, he can is, by his influence upon our minds, by those withdraw from us all the joys and consolations virtuous thoughts which he awakens in us, by of it. His presence may perhaps be necessary those secret comforts and refreshments which to support us in our existence; but he may he conveys into our souls, and by those ravishleave this our existence to itself, with regard ing joys and inward satisfactions which are to its happiness or misery. For, in this sense, perpetually springing up, and diffusing themhe may cast us away from his presence, and selves among all the thoughts of good men. take his Holy Spirit from us. This single con- He is lodged in our very essence, and is as a sideration one would think sufficient to make soul within the soul to irradiate its understandus open our hearts to all those infusions of ing, rectify its will, purify its passions, and joy and gladness which are so near at hand, enliven all the powers of man. How happy and ready to be poured in upon us; especial- therefore is an intellectual being, who, by ly when we consider, secondly, the deplora- prayer and meditation, by virtue and good ble condition of an intellectual being who feels works, opens this communication between God no other effects from his Maker's presence and his own soul! Though the whole creation but such as proceed from divine wrath and frowns upon him, and all nature looks black indignation. about him, he has his light and support within We may assure ourselves, that the great him, that are able to cheer his mind, and Author of nature will not always be as one bear him up in the midst of all those horrors who is indifferent to any of his creatures. which encompass him. He knows that his Those who will not feel him in his love, will helper is at hand, and is always nearer to him be sure at length to feel him in his displeasure. than any thing else can be, which is capable And how dreadful is the condition of that crea- of annoying or terrifying him. In the midst of ture, who is only sensible of the being of his calumny or contempt, he attends to that Being who whispers better things within his soul, and hopes for relief from the most ignorant, when whom he looks upon as his defender, his glory, the most able physicians give him_none.and the lifter-up of his head. In his deepest Though impudence and many words are as solitude and retirement, he knows that he is necessary to these itinerary Galens, as a laced in company with the greatest of beings; and hat to a merry-Andrew, yet they would turn perceives within himself such real sensations very little to the advantage of the owner, if of his presence, as are more delightful than any there were not some inward disposition in the thing that can be met with in the conver-sick man to favour the pretensions of the sation of his creatures. Even in the hour mountebank. Love of life in the one, and of of death, he considers the pains of his dis- money in the other, creates a good corresponsolution to be nothing else but the breaking dence between them. down of that partition, which stands betwist his soul and the sight of that Being who is always present with him, and is about to manifest itself to him in fulness of joy. There is scarce a city in Great Britain but has one of this tribe, who takes it into his protection, and on the market-day harangues the good people of the place with aphorisms 'If we would be thus happy, and thus sen- and receipts. You may depend upon it he sible of our Maker's presence, from the secret comes not there for his own private interest, effects of his mercy and goodness, we must but out of a particular affection to to the town. I keep such a watch over all our thoughts, that, remember one of these public-spirited artists in the language of the Scripture, his soul may at Hammersmith, who told his audience, that have pleasure in us. We must take care not to he had been born and bred there, and that, grieve his Holy Spirit, and endeavour to make having a special regard for the place of his nathe meditations of our hearts always accept- tivity, he was determined to make a present of able in his sight, that he may delight thus to five shillings to as many as would accept of reside and dwell in us. The light of nature it. The whole crowd stood agape, and reacould direct Seneca to this doctrine, in a very dy to take the doctor at his word; when putremarkable passage among his epistles: "Sa- ting his hand into a long bag, as every one cer, inest in nobis spiritus bonorum malorum-was expecting his crown-piece, he drew out que custos, et observator, et quemadmodum nos a handful of little packets, each of which illum tractamus, ita et ille nos." "There he informed the spectators was constantly is a holy spirit residing in us, who watches sold at five shillings and six-pence, but that and observes both good and evil men, and will he would bate the odd five shillings to every treat us after the same manner that we treat inhabitant of that place: the whole assembly him," But I shall conclude this discourse with those more emphatical words in divine revelation, "If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him." No. 572.] Monday, July 26, 1714. Promittunt medici Hor. Ep. i. Lib. 2. 115. Physicians only boast the bealing art. immediately closed with this generous offer, and took off all his physic, after the doctor had made them vouch for one another, that there were no foreigners among them, but that they were all Hammersmith men. There is another branch of pretenders to this art, who, without either horse or pickle. herring, lie snug in a garret, and send down notice to the world of their extraordinary parts and abilities by printed bills and advertisements. These seem to have derived their custom from an eastern nation which Herodotus speaks of, among whom it was a law, that, IAM the more pleased with these my pa-whenever any cure was performed, both the pers, since I find they have encouraged several method of the cure, and an account of the dismen of learning and wit to become my cor- temper, should be fixed in some public place; respondents: I yesterday received the follow-but, as customs will corrupt, these our moing essay against quacks, which I shall here derns provide themselves of persons to atcommunicate to my readers for the good of test the cure before they publish or make the public, begging the writer's pardon for an experiment of the prescription. I have those additions and retrenchments which I have heard of a porter, who serves as a knight made in it. of the post under one of these operators, 'The desire of life is so natural and strong and, though he was never sick in his life, a passion, that I have long since ceased to has been cured of all the diseases in the wonder at the great encouragement which the Dispensary. These are the men whose sapractice of physic finds among us. Well-con-gacity has invented elixirs of all sorts, pills stituted governments have always made the and lozenges, and take it as an affront if you profession of a physician both honourable and come to them before you are given over by advantageous. Homer's Machaon and Virgil's every body else. Their medicines are infalliJapsis were men of renown, heroes in war, and ble, and never fail of success-that is, of enmade at least as much havoc among their riching the doctor, and setting the patient enemies as among their friends. Those who effectually at rest. have little or no faith in the abilities of a 'I lately dropt into a coffee-house at Westquack, will apply themselves to him, either minster, where I found the room hung round because he is willing to sell health at a rea-with ornaments of this nature. There were sonable profit, or because the patient, like a elixirs, tinctures, the Anodyne Fotus, English drowning man, catches at every twig, and pills, electuaries, and, in short, more remedies |