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some notice of them, and shall therefore make the original he would copy after; but when he this paper a miscellany of letters. I have, sees the same things charged and aggravated since my re-assuming the office of Spectator, to a fault, he no sooner endeavours to come up received abundance of epistles from gentlemen to the pattern which is set before him, than, of the blade, who I find have been so used to though he stops somewhat short of that, he action that they know not how to lie still. naturally rests where in reality he ought. I They seem generally to be of opinion that was, two or three days ago, mightily pleased the fair at home ought to reward them for with the observation of an humorous gende their services abroad, and that, until the man upon one of his friends, who was in other cause of their country calls them again into respects every way an accomplished person, the field, they have a sort of right to quar- that “ he wanted nothing but a dash of the ter themselves upon the ladies. In order to coxcomb in him ;" by which he understood a favour their approaches, I am desired by little of that alertness and unconcern in the some to enlarge upon the accomplishments common actions of life, which is usually so of their professions, and by others to give visible among gentlemen of the army, and them my advice in carrying on their attacks. which a campaign or two would infallibly have But let us hear what the gentlemen say for given him. themselves.
• You will easily guess, sir, by this my pa
negyric upon a military education, that I am 'MR. SPECTATOR,
myself a soldier, and indeed I am so. I re• Though it may look somewhat perverse member, within three years after I had been amidst the arts of peace to talk too much in the army, I was ordered into the country a of war, it is but gratitude to pay the last recruiting. I had a very particular success in office to its manes, since even peace itself, this part of the service, and was over and is, in some measure, obliged to it for its above assured, at my going away, that I might being.
have taken a young lady, who was the most You have, in your former papers, always considerable fortune in the country, along recommended the accomplished to the favour with me. I preferred the pursuit of fame at of the fair ; and I hope you will allow me that time to all other considerations, and to represent some part of a military life not though I was not absolutely bent on a wooden altogether unnecessary to the forming a gen-leg, resolved at least to get a scar or two for tleman. I need not tell you that in France, the good of Europe. I have at present as whose fashions we have been formerly so much as I desire of this sort of honour, and fond of, almost every one derives his pre- if you could recommend me effectually, should tences to merit from the sword; and that a be well enough contented to pass the remainman has scarce the face to make his court to der of my days in the arms of some dear kind a lady, without some credentials from the creature, and upon a pretty estate in the counservice to recommend him. As the profes-try. This, as I take it, would be following the sion is very ancient we have reason to think example of Lucius Cincinnatus, the old Roman some of the greatest men among the old Ro- dictator, who, at the end of a war left the mans derived many of their virtues from it, camp to follow the plough. I am, Sir, with the commanders being frequently in other all imaginable respect, respects some of the most shining characters
Your most obedient, of the age.
humble servant, *The army not only gives a man opportuni
WILL WAKLEY.' ties of exercising those two great virtues, patience and courage, but often produces them
'MR. SPECTATOR, in minds where they had scarce any footing
"I am an balf-pay officer, and am at prebefore. I must add. that it is one of the best sent with a friend in the country. Here is a schools in the world to receive a general notion rich widow in the neighbourhood, who has of mankind in and a certain freedom of made fools of all the fox-hunters within fitty behaviour, which is not so easily acquired in miles of her. She declares she intends to any other place. At the same time I must marry, but has not yet been asked by the own, that some military airs are pretty extra-man she could like. She usually admits her ordinary, and that a man who goes into the humble admirers to an audience or two; but. army a concomb, will come out of it a sort of after she has once given them denial, will nepublic nuisance : but a man of sense, or one ver see them more. I am assured by a female who before had not been sufficiently used to a relation that I shall have fair play at her; mixed conversation, generally takes the true bat as my whole success depends on my first turn. The court has in all ages been allowed approaches, I desire your advice, whether I to be the standard of good-breeding; and I be- l had best storm, or proceed by way of sap. lieve there is not a juster observation in Mon.
I am, Sir, sieur Rochefoucault, than that “a man who
Yours, &c. has been bred up wholly to business, can never get the air of a courtier at court, but will im- .
| P.S. I had forgot to tell you, that I have mediately catch it in the camp."
already carried one of her outworks, that is,
The reason of this most certainly is, that the very essence
secured her maid.' of good-breeding and politeness consists in 'MR. SPECTATOR, several niceties, which are so minute that they! I have assisted in several sieges in the Low escape bis observation, and he fails short of Countries, and being still willing to employ my
talents as a soldier and engineer, lay down introduced by T-m B—wn,* of facetious this morning at seven o'clock before the door memory, who, after having 'gutted a proper of an 'obstioate female, who had for some name of all its intermediate vowels, ,used to time refused me admittance. I made a lodge-plant it in his works, and make as free with it ment in an outer parlour about twelve : the as he pleased, without any danger of the statute. enemy retired to her bed-chamber, yet I still That I may imitate these celebrated aupursued, and about two o'clock this afternoon thors, and publish a paper which shall be she thought fit to capitulate. Her demands inore taking than ordinary. I have here are indeed somewhat high, in relation to the drawn up a very curious libel, in which a settlement of her fortune. But, being in pos- reader of penetration will find a great deal session of the house, I intend to insist upon of concealed satire, and, if he be acquainted carte blanche, and am in hopes, by keeping off with the present posture of affairs, will easily all other pretenders for the space of twenty- discover the meaning of it. four hours, to starve her into a compliance. If there are four persons in the nation who beg your speedy advice, and am,
endeavour to bring all things into confusion, • Sir, yours,
and ruin their native country, I think every • PETER PUSH. Thonest Englishman ought to be upon his
guard. That there are such, every one will From my camp in Red-lion square, Satur
agree with me who hears me naine ***, with day, four in the afternoon.'
his first friend and favourite ***, not to men
tion *** nor ***. These people may cry ch-rch, No. 567.1 Wednesday, July 14, 1714.
ch-rch as long as they please; but, to make
use of a homely proverb, “ The proof of the Inceptus clamor frustratur hiantes.
Virg. Æn. vi. 493. p-dd-ng is in the eating." This I am sure of.
that if a certain prince should concur with a The weak voice deceives their gasping throats. Ice
ats certain prelate, (and we have monsieur Z-n's Dryden.
word for it) our posterity would be in a sweet I HAVE received private advice from some p-ckle. Must the British nation suffer, forsooth, of my correspondents, that if I would give because my lady Q-p-t-s has been disobliged ? my paper a general run, I should take care Or is it reasonable that our English fleet, which to season it with scandal. I have indeed ob- used to be the terror of the ocean, should lie served of late that few writings sell which are wind-bound for the sake of a --? I love to not filled with great names and illustrious ti-speak out, and declare my mind clearly, when tles. The reader generally casts his eye upon I am talking for the good of my country. I a new book, and, if he finds several letters will not make my court to an ill man, though separated from one another by a dash, he he were a B y or a T- Nay, I would buys it up and pursues it with great satisfac- not stick to call so wretched a politician a traition. An Mand an h, a T and an r,“ with a tor, an enemy to his country; and a bl-nd-rb-ss, short line between them, has sold many in-&c. &c.' sipid pamphlets. Nay, I have known a whole The remaining part of this political treatise, edition go off by virtue of two or three well- / which is written after the manner of the most written 8- s.
celebrated authors in Great Britain, I may A sprinkling of the words “ faction, French-communicate to the public at a more conveniman, papist, plunderer," and the like significent season. In the mean while I shall leave cant terms, in an italic oharacter, have also this with iny curious reader, as some ingenious a very good effect upon the eye of the pur- writers do their enigmas; and, if any sagacious chaser; not to mention “ scribbler, liar, person can fairly unriddle it, I will print his rogue, rascal, knave, and villain,” without explanation, and, if he pleases, acquaint the which it is impossible to carry on a modern world with his name. controversy.
I hope this short essay will convince my reaOur party writers are so sensible of the ders it is not for want of abilities that I avoid secret virtue of an inuendo to recommend state tracts, and that, if I would apply my their productions, that of late they never mind to it, I inight in a little time be as great a mention the Q- or P- t at length, master of the political scratch as any the most though they speak of them with honour, and eminent writer of the age. I shall only add, with that 'deference which is due to them that in order to outshine all the modern race of from every private person. It gives a secret syncopists, and thorougbly content my English satisfaction to a peruser of these mysterious reader, I intend shortly to publish a Spectator works, that he is able to decypher them with that shall not have a single vowel in it. out help, and, by the strength of his own natural parts, to fill up a blank space, or make,
No. 568.] Friday, July 16, 1714. out a word that has only the first or last let-1 ter to it.
Dum recitas, incipit esse tuus. Some of our authors indeed, when they
Mart. Epig. xxxix. 1. would be more satirical than ordinary, omit
Reciting makes it thino. only the vowels of a great man's name, and
a I was yesterday in a coffee-house not far fall most unmercifully upon all the conson
from the Royal Exchange, where I observed ants. This way of writing was first of all
three persons in close conference over a pipe * Marlborough. Treasurer:
* Tom Brown,
of tobacco; upon which, having filled one for a little amends for it in his next sentence where my own use, I lighted it at the little wax candle he leaves a blank space without so much as that stood before them; and, after having a consonant to direct us. I mean,' sars I, thrown in two or three whiff's amongst them," after those words, “the fleet that used to be sat down and made one of the company. I the terror of the ocean, should be wind-bound need not tell my reader that lighting a man's for the sake of a-;" after which ensues a pipe at the same candle is looked upon among chasm, that in my opinion looks mnodest brother smoakers as an overture to conversa-enough.' 'Sir,' says my antagonist, you may tion and friendship, As we here laid our heads easily know his meaning by his gaping ; I suptogether in a very amicable manner, being en pose he designs his chasm. as you call it. for trenehed under a cloud of our own raising, lan hole to creep out at, but I believe it will took up the last Spectator, and casting my eye hardly serve bis turn. Who can endure to over it, The Spectator,' says I, is very witty see the great officers of state, the B-y's and to-day :' upon which a lusty lethargic old gen- T-t's, treated after so scurrilous a manner ?' deman, who sat at the upper end of the table, I cant for my life. savs I. imagine who the having gradually blown out of his mouth a are the Spectator means.' “No!' says he great deal of smoke, which he had been col-. Your humble servant, sir! Upon which he lecting for some time before, Ay,' says he. I ftung himself back in his chair after a con. more witty than wise, I am afraid.' Histen
Istemptuous manner, and smiled upon the old neighbour, who sat at his right hand, immedi-l lethargic gentleman on his left hand. who ately coloured, and, being an angry politician, I found was his great admirer. The whic laid down his pipe with so much wrath that however had begun to conceive a good-will tohe hroke it in the middle, and by that means 'wards me. and, seeing my pipe out, very genfurnished me with a tobacco-stopper. I took a
Kerously offered me the use of his bor ; but I it up very sedately, and, looking him full in declined it with great civility, being obliged the face, made use of it from time to time all to me
to meet a friend about that time in another the while he was speaking: • This fellow,'
quarter of the city. says he, 'cannot for his life keep out of poli-1" At my leaving the coffee-house. I could not ticg. Do you see how he abuses four great forbear reflecting with myself upon that gross men here ř' I fixed my eye very attentively on tribe of fools who may be termed the over-wise the paper, and asked him if he meant those
nose and upon the difficuliy of writing any thing in who were represented by astericks. • Aste-lihis
ste- this censorious age which a weak head may risks,' says he, 'do you call them ? they are
not construe into private satire and personal all of them stars-he might as well have put
reflection. garters to them. Then pray do but mind the
A man who has a good nose at an inuendo two or three next lines : Ch-rch and p-dd-ng smells treason and sedition in the ipost ipnoin the same sentence! Our clergy are very cent words that can be put together, and much beholden to bim!' Upon this the third
never sees a vice or folly stigmatized but finds gentleman, who was of a mild disposition,
out one or other of his acquaintance pointed and, as I found, a whig in his heart, desired
at by the writer. I remember an empty praghim not to be too severe upon the Spectator
matical fellow in the country, who, upon neither ; ' for,' says he, “you find he is very reading over The Whole Duty of Man. han cautious of giving offence, and has therefore written the names of several persons in the put two dashes into his pudding.' 'A fig for village at the s
jor village at the side of every sin which is menhis dash,' says the angry politician ; in his tioned by that excellent author; so that he next sentence he gives a plain inuendo that had converted one of the best books in the our posterity will be in a sweet p-ckle. What
world into a libel against the 'squire, churchdoes tbe fool mean by his pickle? Why does
wardens, overseers of the poor, and all other he not write it at length, if he means honest
the most considerable persons in the parish. ly P. I have read over the whole sentence,'
This book, with these extraordinary marginal says I; 'but look upon the parenthesis in
notes, fell accidentally into the hands of one the belly of it to be the most dangerous
who had never seen it before ; upon wbich part, and as full of insinuations as it can hold.
there arose a current report that somebody * But who,' says I, is my lady Q-p-t-s ? Ay, had written a book against the 'squire and answer that if you can, sir,' says the furious the whole parish. The minister of the place, statesman to the poor whig that sat over against having at that time a controversy with some of him. But, without giving him time to reply, his congregation upon the account of his *I do assure you,' says he, were I my lady tithes, was under some suspicion of being the Q-D-t-8, I would sue him for scandalum magna- author, until the good man set bis people right, tum. What is the world come to ? Must eve-l by sbowing them that the satirical passages ry body be allowed to-?' He had by this time might be applied to several others of two or filled a new pipe, and, applying it to his lips, three neighbouring villages, and that the when we expected the last word of his sen- book was written against all the singers in tence, put as off with a whiff of tobacco; Engle which he redoubled with so much rage and trepidation, that he almost stifled the whole
No. 569.] Monday, July 19, 1714. company. After a short pause, I owned that I]" thought the Spectator had gone too far in Regis dicuntur multis urgere culullis writing so many letters of my lady Q-p-t-s's
Et torquere mero, quem perspexisse laborent,
Au sit amicitiâ dignus.name: "but, however,' says ), he has made
Hor. Ars. Poci. rer. 431.
Wise were the kings, who dever chose a friend sprout up in the soul and show itself; it gives Till with full cups they had unmask'd his soul,
fury to the passions, and force to those obAnd scen the bottom of his deepest thoughts.
Vjects which are apt to produce them. When
a young fellow complained to an old philosoNo vices are so incurable as those which pher that his wife was not handsome, Put men are apt to glory in. One would wonder less water in your wine,' says the philosopher how drunkenness should have the good luck and you will quickly make her so. Wine to be of this number. Anacharsis, being in- heightens indifference into love, love into jeavited to a match of drinking at Corinth, de- lousy, and jealousy into madness. It often manded the prize very humorously, because he turns the good-natured man into an idiot, and was drunk before any of the rest of the com- the choleric into ao assassin. It gives bitterpany: ' for ' says he, 'when we run a race, he ness to resentment, it makes vanity insupportwho arrives at the goal first is entitled to the able, and displays every little spot of the soul reward:' on the contrary, in this thirsty gene in its utmost deformity. ration, the honour falls upon him who carries Nor does this vice only betray the bidden off the greatest quantity of liquor, and knocks faults of a man, and show them in the most down the rest of the company I was the other odious colours, but often occasions faults to day with honest Will Funnel, the West Saxon which he is not naturally subject. There is who was reckoning up how much liquor bad more of turn than of truth in a saying of Sepassed through him in the last twenty years neca, that drunkenness does not produce but of his life, which according to his computa- discover faults. Common experience teaches tion, amounted to twenty-three hogsheads of the contrary. Wine throws a man out of himOctober, four tons of port, half a kilderkin self, and infuses qualities into the mind which of small beer, nineteen barrels of cider, and she is a stranger to in her sober moments. three glasses of champaign; besides which The person you converse with after the third he had assisted at four hundred bowls of punch bottle, is not the same man who at first sat not to mention sips, drams, and whets without down at table with you. Upon this maxim is number. I question not but every reader's founded one of the prettiest sayings I ever met memory will suggest to him several ambi- with, which is ascribed to Publius Syrus, tious young men who are as vain in this par-. Qui ebrium ludificat. lædit absentem :' Ile ticular as Will Funnel, and can boast of as who jests upon a man that is drunk, injures glorious exploits.
the absent.' Our modern philosophers observe, that Thus does drunkenness act in a direct conthere is a general decay of moisture in the tradiction to reason, whose business it is to globe of the earth. This they chiefly ascribe i clear the mind of every vice which is crept to the growth of vegetables, which incorpo-into it, and to guard it against all the aprate into their own substance many fluid bo-i proaches of any that endeavours to make its dies that never return again to their former entrance. But besides these ill effects, which nature: but, with submission, they ought to this vice produces in the person who is actuthrow into their account those innumerable ally under its dominion, it has also a bad inrational beings which fetch their nourishment fluence on the mind, even in its sober mochiefly out of liquids: especially when we ments, as it insensibly weakens the underconsider that men, compared with their fellow standing, impairs the memory, and makes creatures, drink much more than comes to those faults habitual which are produced by their share.
frequent escesses. But, however highly this tribe of people I shall now proceed to show the ill effects may think of themselves, a drunken man is a which this vice has on the bodies and fortunes greater monster than any that is to be found of men ; but these I shall reserve for the subamong all the creatures which God has made;lject of some future paper. as indeed there is no character which appears more despicable and deformed, in the eyes of No. 570.1 Wednesday, July 21, 1714. all reasonable persons, than that of a drunkard. Bonosus, one of our own countrymen,
Nugæquo canoræ. who was addicted to this vice, having set up
Hor. Ars. Poct. ver.322. for a share in the Roman empire, and being
Roscommon. defeated in a great battle, hanged himseli. When he was seen by the army in this mel. THERE is scarcely a man living who is not ancholy situation, notwithstanding he had be- actuated by ambition. When this principle haved himself very bravely, the common jest meets with an honest mind and great abili. was, that the thing they saw hanging upon ties, it does infinite service to the world; on the tree before them was not a man, but a the contrary, when a man only thinks of disbottle.
tinguishing bimself, without being thus qualiThis vice has very fatal effects on the mind, fied for it, he becomes a very pernicious or a the body, and fortune, of the person who is very ridiculous creature. I shall here confine devoted to it.
myself to that petty kind of ambition, by which In regard to the mind, it first of all discovers some men grow eminent for odd accomplishevery flaw in it. The sober man, by the ments and trivial performances. How many strength of reason, may keep under and sub-are there whose whole reputation depends due every vice or folly to which he is most in- upon a pun or a quibble ? You may often see clined; but wine makes every latent seed an artist in the streets gain a circle of admi. rers by carying a long pole upon his chin or would accompany bis voice with a tobaccoforehead in a perpendicular posture. Ambi- pipe. As my friend has an agreeable bass, he tion has taught some to write with their feet, chose rather to sing to the frying-pan and inand others to walk upon their hands. Some deed between them they made up a most er. tumble into fame, others grow immortal by traordinary concert. Finding our landlord so throwing themselves through a hoop.
great a proficient in kitchen music, I asked
him if he was master of the tongs and key. Cetera de genere hoc adeo sunt multa, loquacem.
He told me that he had laid it down some Delassare valeut Fabium.
Hor. Sat i. Lib. 1. 13. years since, as a little unfashionable; but that,
if I pleased, he would give me a lesson upon With thousands more of this ambitious race Would tire e'en Fabius to relate each case.
the gridiron. He then informed me, that he llorneck. had added two bars to the gridiron, in order
to give it a greater compass of sound; and I I am led into this train of thought by an ad
perceived was as well pleased with the inven, venture I lately met with.
tion as Sappho could have been upon adding I was the other day at a tavern, where the two strings to the lute. To be short, I found master of the house* accommodated us him that his whole kitchen was furnished witb muself with every thing we wanted, I accidentally sical instruments: and could not but look upon fell into discourse with him : and talking of a this artist as a kind of burlesque musician. certain great man, who shall be nameless, he He afterwards, of his own accord, fell into the told me that he had sometimes the honour to imitation of several singing birds. My friend treat him with a whistle ; adding (by way of and I toasted our mistresses to the nightingale, parenthesis) for you must know, gentlemen, when all of a sudden we were surprised with that I whistle the best of any man in Europe.' the music of the thrush. He next proceeded This naturally put me upon desiring him to to the skylark, mounting up by a proper scale give us a sample of his art; upon which he of notes, and afterwards falling to the ground called for a case-knife, and, applying the edge with a very easy and regular descent. He then of it to his mouth, converted it into a musical contracted bis whistle to the voice of several instrument, and entertained me with an Italian birds of the smallest size. As he is a man of solo. Upon laying down the knife, he took a larger bulk and higher stature than ordinary, up a pair of clean tobacco pipes; and, after you would fancy him a giant when you looked having slid the small end of them over the table upon him, and a tom-tit when you shut your in a most melodious trill, he fetched a tune eyes. I must not omit acquainting my reader out of thein whistling to them at the same time that this accomplished person was formerly the in concert. In short, the tobacco pipes became master of a toy-shop near Temple-bar; and musical pipes in the hands of our virtuoso, who that the famous Charles Mathers was bred up confessed to me ingenuously, he had broke such under him. I am told that the misfortunes quantities of them, that he had almost broke which he has met with in the world are chiefly himself before he had brought this piece of owing to his great application to his music ; music to any tolerable perfection. I then told and therefore cannot but recommend him to him I would bring a company of friends to dine my readers as one who deserves their favour, with himn next week, as an encouragement to and may afford them great diversion over a his ingenuity ; upon which he thanked me, bottle of wine, which he sells at the Queen's. saying that he would provide himself with a
arms, near the end of the little piazza in Conew frying-pan against that day. I replied, vent-garden. that it was no matter ; roast and boiled would serve our turn. He smiled at my simplicity and told me that it was his design to give us
No. 571. Friday, July 23, 1714. a tune upon it. As I was surprised at such a - --Cælum quid quærimus ultra? Luc. promise, he sent for an old frying-pan, and grat
What reck we beyond heaven ? ing it upon the board, whistled to it in such a melodious manner, that you could scarcely dis. As the work I have engaged in will not only tinguish it from a base-viol. He then took consist of papers of humour and learning, but his seat with us at the table, and hearing iny of several essays moral and divine, I shall pubfriend that was with me hum over a tune to lish the following one, which is founded on a himself, he told him if he would sing out, he former Spectator, and sent me by a particular
friend, not questioning but it will please such *This eccentric man kept a public house, the sign of the of my readers as think it no disparagement to Queen’s-arms, near the end of the Little Piazza in Co- their understandings to give way fometimes to vent-garden. His death is thus noticed in the London
he London a serious thought. Mag. for April, 1738. " Death Near Fishmonger's Hall, the celebrated Mr.
“SIR, John Dentry, better known by the appellation of Signior
. Denterius, which, by way of humour, he assumed and put * In your paper of Friday the ninth instant, upon his sign. He kept a public house, not only at the time you had occasion to consider the ubiquity of of his death, but when the Spectators were writing; and the Godhead, and at the same time to show, from the odd talents he was possessed of, and his whimsical ways of entertaining his customers, furnished a sub
that, as he is present to every thing, he cannot ject for one of those excellent papers. Among many but be attentive to every thing, and privy to other surprising endowments, the Signior had that of all the modes and parts of its existence: or, whistling, by the help of a kuife, to so great a perfection, in other words, that the omniscience and omthat he became as famous for that, as most of the Italian Signiors have been for singing, who excel likewise in nipresence are co-existent and run together that way, by the help of a knife."
through the whole infinitude of space. This