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but he sent word to desire me to give over, Whether against their will by fato imposid, for that he would have no such doings in his
Or by consent and prudent choice espous'd ?
Happy tbe merchant! the old soldier cries, house. I had not been long in this nation be
Broke with fatigues and warlike enterprise. fore I was told by one, for whom I had asked The merchant, when the dreaded hurricane a certain favour from the chief of the king's Tosses his wealthy cargo on the main, servants, whom they hear call the lord-trea
Applauds the wars and toils of a campaign :)
There an engagement soon decides your doom, surer, that I had eternally obliged him. I
Bravely to die, or come victorious home. was so surprised at his gratitude, that I could The lawyer vows the farmer's life is best, not forbear saying, “What service is there When at the dawn the clients break his rest.
The farmer, having put in bail t'appear, which one man can do for another, that can
And forc'd to town, cries they are happiest there: oblige him to all eternity!" However, I only With thousands more of this inconstant race, asked him, for my reward, that he would Would tire e'en Fabius to relate each case. lend me his eldest daughter during my stay
Not to detain you longer, pray attend
The issue of all this : Should Jove descend, in this country ; but I quickly found that he
And grant to every man his rash demand, was as treacherous as the rest of his country. To run his lengths with a neglectful hand; men.
First, grant the harrass'd warrior a release;
Bid him to trade, and try the faithless seas, * At 'my first going to court, one of the
To purchase treasure and declining ease ; great men almost put me out of countenance.
Next, call the pleader from his learned strife, by asking ten thousand pardons of me for on To the calm blessings of a country life; ly treading by accident upon my toe. They
And, with these separate demands dismiss
Each suppliant to enjoy the promis'd bliss : call this kind of lie a compliment; for, wheu
Don't you believe they'd run ? Not one will move. they are civil to a great man, they tell him un Though proffer'd to be happy from above. truths, for which thou wouldest order any of
Horneck. thy officers of state to receive a hundred blows
| It is a celebrated thought of Socrates, that
I upon his foot. I do not know how I shall ne-lif all the the mifortunes of mankind were cast gotiate any thing with this people, since therelin
ere into a public stock, in order to be equally disis so little credit to be given to them. Whentrih
tributed among the whole species, those who I go to see the king's scribe, I am generally
now think themselves the most unhappy, told that he is not at home, though perhaps I
would prefer the share they are already possaw him go into his house almost the very
sessed of before that which would fall to them moment before. Thou wouldest fancy that the
by such a division. Horace has carried this whole nation are physicians, for the first ques
thought a great deal further in the motto of tion they always ask me is, how I do: I have
my paper, wbich implies, that the hardships this question put to me above a hundred times
or misfortunes we lie under are more easy a-day. Nay, they are not only thus inquisi
to us than those of any other person would tive after my bealth, but wish it in a more so
be, in case we could change conditions with lemn manner, with a full glass in their hands, ni
as, him. every time I sit with them at table, though at As I was ruminating upon these two rethe same time they would persuade me to marks, and seated in my elbow chair. I indrink their liquors in such quantities as I ser
sensibly fell asleep; when on a sudden, me. have found by experience will make me sick. I thought, there was a proclamation made by They often pretend to pray for thy health also Juni
30 Jupiter, that every mortal should bring in his in the same manner; but I have more reason griefs and calamities, and throw them togeto expect it from the goodness of thy consti
sti-ther in a heap. There was a large plain ap. tution than the sincerity of their wishes. pointed for this purpose. I took my stand in May thy slave escape in safety from this dou-lihe centre of it. and saw with a great deal of ble-tongued race of men, and live to lay him-In
m. pleasure the whole human species marching self once more at thy feet in the royal city of one after another, and throwing down their Bantam!'
several loads, which immediately grew up into
a prodigious mountain, that seemed to rise No. 558.] Wednesday, June, 23, 1714
above the clouds.
There was a certain lady of a thin airy Qui fit, Macenas, ut nemo, quam sibi sortem
shape, who was very active in this solemnity. Scu ratio dederit, seu fors objecerit, illa
She carried a magnifying glass in one of her Contentus vivat : laudet diversa sequentes ? O fortunati mercatores, gravis annis
hands, and was clothed in a loose flowing Miles ait, multo jam fractus membra labore !
robe, embroidered with several figures of Contrà mercator, navim jactantibus austris,
fiends and spectres, that discovered themselves Militia est potior. Quid enim ? concurritur : hora
in a thousand chimerical shapes, as her garMomento cita mors venit, aut victoria læta. Agricolam laudat juris legumque peritus,
ment bovered in the wind. There was someSub galli cantum consultor ubi ostia pulsat.
thing wild and distracted in her looks. Her Ille, datis vadibus, qui rure extractus in urbem est,
name was fancy. She led up every mortal Solos felices viventes clamat in urbe. Cuetera de genere hoc (adeo sunt multa) loquacem
to the appointed place, after having very of Delassare valent Fabium. Ne te morer, nudi
ficiously assisted him in making up his pack, Quò rem deducam. Si quis Deus, en ego, dicat, and laying it upon his shoulders. My heart Jam faciam quod vultis : eris tu, qui modo miles,
melted within me to see my fellow-creatures Mercator : tu consultus medo, rusticus. Hinc vos, Vos hinc mutatis discedite partibus. Eja,
groaping under their respective burdens, and Quid statis? Nolint. Atqui licet esse beatis. to consider that prodigious bulk of human
Hor. Sat. i Lib. 1.1. calamities which lay before me. Whence is't, Mxcenas, that so fow approve
There was lowever several persons who The state they're plac'd in, and incline to rore : gave me great diversion upon this occasion
I observed one bringing in a fardel very care-portunity of mending ourselves; and all the fully concealed under an old embroidered contributions being now brought in, every man cloak, which, upon his throwing it into the was at liberty to exchange his misfortunes for hear, I discovered to be Poverty. Another, those of another person. But as there arose after a great deal of puffing, threw down his many new incidents in the sequel of my vision, luggage, which, upon examining, I found to I shall reserve them for the subject of my next be his wife.
paper. There were multitudes of lovers saddled with very whimsical burdens composed of darts and
No. 559.] Friday, June 25, 1714. flames; but, what was very odd, though they sighed as if their hearts would break under
Quid causa est, meritò quin illis Jupiter ambas these bundles of calamities, they could not per Iratus buccas intiet, neque se fore postbac suade themselves to cast them into the heap,
Tam facilem dicat, votis ut præbet aurem ?
Hor. Sat. i. Lib. 1.200 when they came up to it; but, after a few faint efforts, shook their heads, and marched away
Were it not just that Jove, provok'd to heat,
Should drive these triflers from the hallow'd seat, as heavy loaden as they came. I saw multi
And unrelenting stand when they entreat ? tudes of old women throw down their wrinkles,
Horneck. and several young ones who stripped themselves of a tawny skin. There were very great In my last paper, I gave my reader a sight heaps of red noses, large lips, and rusty teeth. of that mountain of miseries which was made The truth of it is, I was surprised to see the up of those several calamities that afflict the greatest part of the mountain made up of minds of men. I saw with unspeakable pleabodily deformities. Observing one advancing sure the whole species thus delivered from its towards the heap with a larger cargo than ordi- sorrows; though at the same time, as we nary upon his back, I found upon his near ap- stood round the beap, and surveyed the several proach that it was only a natural hump, which materials of which it was composed, there was he disposed of, with great joy of heart, among scarcely a mortal in this vast multitude, who this collection of human miseriess. There did not discover what he thought pleasures of vere likewise distempers of all sorts; though life, and wondered how the owners of them I could not but observe. that there were ever came to look upon them as burdens and many more imaginary than real. One little grievances. packet I could not but take notice of, which As we were regarding very attentively this was a complication of all the diseases inci- confusion of miseries, this chaos of calamity, dent to human nature, and was in the hand Jupiter issued out a second proclamation, that of a great many fine people: this was called every one was now at liberty to exchange his the spleen. But what most of all surprised affliction, and to return to his habitation with me, was a remark I made, that there was any such other bundle as should be delivered not a single vice or folly thrown into the to him. ? whole heap; at wbich I was very much as Upon this, Fancy began again to bestir tonished. baving concluded within myself, herself, and, parcelling out the whole heap that every one would take this opportunity with incredible activity, recommended to every of getting rid of his passions, prejudices, and one his particular packet. The hurry and frailties.
confusion at this time was not to be exI took notice in particular of a very profli- pressed. Some observations which I made gate fellow, who I did not question came loaded upon this occasion, I shall communicate to with his crimes: but upon searching into his the public. A venerable gray headed man, bundle I found, that instead of throwing his who had laid down the colick, and who I guilt from bim, he had only laid down bis me- found wanted an heir to his estate, snatched mory. He was followed by another worthless up an undutiful son that had been thrown rogue, who flung away his modesty instead of into the heap by his angry father. The his ignorance.
graceless youth, in less than a quarter of When the whole race of mankind bad thus an hour, pulled the old gentleman by the cast their burdens, the phantom which had beard, and had like to have knocked his been so busy on this occasion, seeing me an brains out; so that meeting the true father, idle Spectator of what had passed, approached who came towards him with a fit of the gripes, towards me. I grew uneasy at her presence, be begged him to take his son again, and give when of a sudden she held her magnifying him back his colick; but they were incapaglas full before my eyes. I no sooner saw ble either of them to recede from the choice my face in it, but was startled at the short-they had made. A poor galley-slave, who ness of it, wbich now appeared to me in its had thrown down his chains, took up the utmost aggravation. The immoderate breadth gout in their stead, but inade such wry faces, of the features made me very much out of that one might easily perceive he was no humour with my own countenance, upon which great gainer by the bargain. It was pleaI threw it from me like a mask. It happened sant enough to see the several exchanges very luckily that one who stood by me had that were made, for sickness against poverty, just before thrown down his visage, which it hunger against want of appetite, and care seems was too long for him. It was indeed agianst pain. extended to a most shameful length; I believe. The female world were very busy among the very chin was, modestly speaking, as long themselves in bartering for features : one was as my whole face. We had both of us an op- trucking a lock of gray hairs for a carbuncle, Voz. IL
another was making over a short waist for a sions was commanded to disappear. There pair of round shoulders, and a third cheap- was sent in her stead a goddess of a quite difening a bad face for a lost reputation : but ferent figure; her motions were steady and on all these occasions there was not one oi composed, and her aspect serious butcheerful. them who did not think the new blemish, as She every now and then cast her eyes towards soon as she had got it into her possession, heaven, and fixed their upon Jupiter : ber much more disagreeable than the old one. I name was Patience. She had no sooner made the same observation on every other placed herself by the Mount of Sorrows, but, misfortune or calanity which every one in the what I thought very remarkable, the whole assembly brought upon himself in lieu of what heap sunk to such a degree, that it did not he had parted with : whether it be that all appear a third part so big as it was before. the evils which befal us, are in some mea-She afterwards returned eveay man his own sure suited and proportioned to our strength, proper calamity, and, teaching him how to or that every evil becomes more supportable bear it in the most commodious manner, he by our being accustomed to it, I shall not marched off with it contentedly, being very determine.
well pleased that he had not been left to his I could not from my heart forbear pitying own choice as to the kind of evils which fell to the poor hump-backed gentleman mentioned his lot. in the former paper who went off a very well. Besides the several pieces of morality to shaped person with a stone in his bladder; be drawn out of this vision, I learnt from nor the fine gentleman who had struck up it never to repine at my own misfortunes, this bargain with him, that limped through a or to envy the happiness of another, since whole assembly of ladies, who used to admirei is impossible for any mao to form a right him, with a pair of shoulders peeping over his judgment of his neighbour's sufferings ; for head.
which reason also I have determined never I must not omit my own particular ad-to think too lightly of another's complaints, venture. My friend with a long visage had no but to regard the sorrows of my fellow.creasooner taken upon him my short face, but he tures with sentiments of humanity and commade such a grotesque figure in it, that as I passion.
0. looked upon him I could not forbear laughing at myself, insomuch that I put my own face out of countenance. The poor gentieman was No. 560.] Monday, June 28, 1714. so sensihle of the ridicule, that I found he was
- Verba intermissa retentat. ashamed of what he had done : on the other
Ouid. Met. Lib. i. 746. side, I found that I myself had no great reason
Hc tries his tongue, his silence softly breaks, to triumpli, for as I went to touch my forehead I missed the place, and clapped my finger
Dryder. upon my upper lip. Besides, as my nose was Every one has heard of the famous conjuexceeding prominent, I gave it two or three ror, who, according to the opinion of the vulunlucky knocks as I was playing my hand gar, bas studied himself dumb; for which about my face, and aiming at some other part reason, as it is believed, he delivers out his of it. I saw two other gentlemen by me who oracles in writing. Be tbat as it will, the were in the same ridiculous circumstances. blind Tiresias was not more famous in Greece These had made a foolish swop betwcen a than this dumb artist has been for some years couple of thick bandy legs and two long trap- last past in the cities of London and Weststicks that bad no calves to them. One of miuster. Thus much for the profound genthese looked like a man walking upon stilts, tleman who honours me with the following and was so lifted up into the air, above his epistle. ordinary height, that his head turved round with it: while the other made such awkward!
From my cell, June 24, 1714. cireles, as he attempted to walk, that he
SIR, scarcely knew how to move forward upon his • Being informed that you have lately got new supporters, Observing him to be a plea- the use of your tongue, I have some thoughts sant kind of fellow, I stuck my cane in the of following your example, that I may be ground, and told him I would lay him a bottle a fortune-teller, properly speaking. I am of wine that he did not march up to it on a grown weary of my taciturnity, and having line that I drew for him in a quarter of an served my country many years under the hour.
title of “the dumb doctor," I shall now proThe heap was at last distributed among the phesy by word of mouth, avd (as Mr. Lee two sexes, who mnde a most piteous sight, as says of the magpie, who you know was a they wandered up and down under the pres- great fortune-teller among the ancients) chatsure of their several burdens. The whole ter futurity. I have hitherto chosen to replain was filled with murmurs and complaints, ceive questions and return answers in writ. groans and lamentations. Jupiter at lengthing, that I might avoid the tediousness and taking compassion on the poor mortals, or- trouble of debates, my querists being genedered them a second time to lay down their rally of a humour to think that they have loads, with a design to give every one his own never predictions enough for their money. again. They discharged themselves with a In short, sir, my case has been something great deal of pleasure: after which, the phan- like that of those discreet animals the montom who had bed them into such gross delu- keys, who, as the Indians tell us, can speak if they would, but purposely avoid it that all agree with you, that there is not a more, they may not be made to work. I have remarkable accident recorded in history, since hitherto gained a livelihood by holding my that which happened to the son of Cresus; tongue, but shall now open my mouth in nay, I believe you might have gone higher, and order to fill it. If I appear a little word- have added Balaam's ass. We are impatient bound in my first solutions and responses, to see more of your productions; and expect I hope it will not be imputed to any want of what words will next fall from you with as foresight, but to the long disuse of speech. much attention as those who were set to watch I doubt not by this invention to have all my the speaking head which friar Bacon formerly former customers over again ; for, if I have erected in this place. promised any of them lovers or husbands,
• We are, worthy sir, riches or good luck, it is my design to con.
"Your most humble servants, firm to them, vivid voce, what I have already
•B. R. T. D. &c.' given them under my hand. If you will honour me with a visit, I will compliment you! HONEST SPEC, Middle-Temple, June 24. with the first opening of my mouth : and, if I am very glad to hear that thou beginnest you please, you may make an entertaining dial,
1- to prate ; and find, by thy yesterday's vision, logue out of the conversation of two dumb
thou art so used to it, that thou canst not formen. Excuse this trouble, worthy sir, from
bear talking in thy sleep. Let me only adone who has been a long time,
vise thee to speak like other men ; for I am Your silent admirer, · CORNELIUS AGRIPPA.'|
| afraid thou wilt be very queer, if thou dost
not intend to use the phrases of fashion, as I have received the following letter, or ra
thou callest them in thy second paper. Hast ther billet-doux, from a pert young baggage,
thou a mind to pass for a Bantamite, or to
make us all Quakers ? I do assure thee, dear who congratulates with me upon the same oc
Spec, I am not polished out of my veracity, casion.
when I subscribe myself · DEAR MR. PRATE-APACE, June 23, 1714
* Thy constant admirer, I am a member of a female society who
and humble servant,
· FRANK TOWNLY.' call ourselves the Chit-chat club, and am ordered by the whole sisterhood to congratulate you upon the use of your tongue. We
No. 561.] Wednesday, June 30, 1714.
Paulatim abolere Sichæum have all of us a mighty mind to hear you
Incipit, et vivo tentat proevertere amore talk ; and if you will take your place among
Jampridem resides animos desuetaque corda. us for an evening, we have unanimously
Virg. Æn. i. 724. agreed to allow you one minute in ten, with
Bat he out interruption.
Works in the pliant bosom of the fair, *I am, Sir,
And moulds her heart anew, and blots hor former care,
The dead is to the living love resign'd,
SIR, P. S. You may find us at my lady Betty LAM a tall, broad-shouldered, impudents Clack's, who will leave orders with her porter, black fellow, and as I thought, every way that if an elderly gentleman, with a short face,
qualified for a rich widow: but after having inquires for her, he shall be adınitted, and no
tried my fortune for above three years togequestions asked.'
ther, I have not been able to get one single As this particular paper shall consist wholly relict in the mind. My first attacks were geof what I have received from my correspon-nerally successful, but always broke off as dents. I shall fill up the remaining part of it soon as they came to the word settlement. with other congratulatory letters of the same
Though I have not improved my fortune this nature.
way, I have my experience, and have learnt
several secrets which may be of use to these Oxford, June 25, 1714. unhappy gentlemen, who are commonly dis"We are here wonderfully pleased with the tinguished by the name of widow-hunters, and opening of your mouth, and very frequently open wh
who do not know that this tribe of women ours in approbation of your design ; especially are: gener
allu are, generally speaking, as much upon the since we find you are resolved to preserve catch as themselves. I shall here communi. your taciturnity as to all party matters. We cate to you the mysteries of a certain feinale
cabal of this order, who call themselves the do not question but you are as great an orator as sir Hudibras, of whom the poet sweetly
Widow-club. This club consists of nine exings.
perienced dames, who take their places once
a week round a large oval table. " He could not ope
1. Mrs. President is a person who has dis. His mouth, but out there flew a trope."
posed of six husbands, and is now determined If you will send us down the half dozen well- to take a seventh ; being of opinion that there turped periods, that produced such dismal is as much virtue in the touch of a seventh effects in your muscles, we will deposit them husband as of a seventh son. Her comrades pear an old manuscript of Tully's orations, are as follow : among the archieves of the university ; for we 2. Mrs. Snap, who has four jointures,
by four different bed-fellows, of four different sixteen, at which time she was entered of the shires. She is at present upon the point of club, but soon after left it upon account of a marriage with a Middlesex man, and is said second, whom she made so quick a despatch to have an ambition of extending her posses- of, that she returned to her seat in less than a siops through all the counties in England on twelvemonth. This young matron is looked this side the Trent.
upon as the most rising member of the socie • 3. Mrs. Medlar, who, after two husbands'ty, and will probably be in the president's and a gallant, is now wedded to an old chair before she dies. gentleman of sixty. Upon her making her "These ladies, upon their first institution, report to the club after a weeks's cohabita- resolved to give the pictures of their deceased tion, she is still allowed to sit as a widow, husbands to the club-room ; but two of them and accordingly takes her place at the board. bringing in their dead at full length, they
•4. The widow Quick, married within a 'covered all the walls. Upon which they came fortnight after the death of her last husband. 'to a second resolution, that every matroa Her weeds have served her thrice, and are should give her own picture, and set it rouod still as good as new.
with her husband's in miniature. 5. Lady Catharine Swallow. She was a “As they have most of them the mis for. widow at eighteen, and has since buried a tune to be troubled with the colick, they have second husband and two coachmen.
a noble cellar of cordials and strong waters. 6. The lady Waddle. She was married When they grow maudlin, they are very apt in the fifteenth year of her age to Sir Simon to commemorate their former partners with a Waddle, knight, aged threescore and twelve, tear. But ask them which of their husbands by whom she had twins nine months after they condole, they are not able to tell you, his decease. In the fifty-fifth year of her age and discover plainly that they do not weep so she was married to James Spindle, Esq. a much for the loss of a husband as for the youth of one-and-twenty, who did not outlive want of one. the honey-moon.
The principal rule by which the whole so7. Deborah Conquest. The case of this ciety are to govern themselves, is this, to cry lady is someihing particular. She is the re- up the pleasures of a single lite upon all occalict of Sir Sampson Conquest, some time jus- sions, in order to deter the rest of their sex tice of the quorum. Sir Sampson was seven from marriage, and engross the whole male foot high, and two foot in breadth from the world to themselves. tip of one shoulder to the other. He had • They are obliged, when any one makes married thrce wives, who all of them died in love to a member of the society, to communichild-bed. This terrived the whole sex, who cate his name, at which the whole assemble none of them durst venture on Sir Sampson. sit upon his reputation, person, fortune, and At length Mrs. Deborah undertook him, and good humour ; and if they find him qualified gave so good an account of him, that in for a sister of the club, they lay their heads three years' time she very fairly laid him together how to make him sure. By this out, and measured his length upon the means they are acquainted with all the widowground. This exploit has gained ber so hunters about town, who often afford them great a reputation in the club, that they great diversion. There is an honest Irish genhave added Sir Sampson's three victories tleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this to her's, and give her the merit of a fourth society, but at different times bas made lore widowhood; and she takes her place accor- to the whole club. dingly.
“Their conversation often turns upon their The widow Wildfire, relict of Mr. John former husbands, and it is very diverting to Wildfire, fox-hunter, who broke bis neck over a hear them relate their several arts and strasix-bar gate. She took his death so much to tagems with which they amused the jealous, heart, that it was thought it would have pot pacified the choleric, or wheedled the good. an end to her life, had she not diverted her catured man, till at last, to use the club sorrows by receiving the addresses of a gen- phrase, “they sent him out of the house with tleman in the neighbourhood, who made love his heels foremost.” to her in the second month of her widowhood. The politics which are most cultivated by The gentleman was discarded in a fortnight this society of she-Machiavels relate chiefly to for the sake of a young templar, who had the these two points, how to treat a lover, and possession of her for six wecks after, till he how to manage a husband. As for the first set was beaten out by a broken officer, who like- of artifices, they are to numerous to come witbwise gave up his place to a gentleman at court. in the compass of your paper, and shall thereThe courtier was as short-lived a favourite as fore be reserved for a second letter. his predecessors, but had the pleasure to see "The management of a husband is built himself succeeded by a long series of lovers, upon the following doctrines, which are uniwho followed the widow Wildfire to the thirty-versally assented to by the whole club. Not seventh year of her age, at which time there to give him his head at first. Not to allow ensued a cessation of ten years, when John him too great freedoms and familiarities. Not Felt, haberdasher, took it in his head to be in to be treated by him like a raw girl, but as a love with her, and it is thought will very sud- woman that knows the world. Not to lessen deply carry her off.
any thing of her former figure. To celebrate 9. The last is pretty Mrs. Runnet, who the generosity, or any other virtue, of a de. Broke her first husband's heart before she was ceased husband, which she would recommend