Monday was fortnight, it was my misfortune pany in confusion. Sir, I know you hate to come to London. I was no sooner clapped long things; but if you like it, you may coninto the coach, but, to my great surprise, tract it, or how you will; but I think it has a two persons in the habit of gentlemen at- moral in it. tacked me with such indecent discourse as I But, sir, I am told you are a famous mecannot repeat to you, so you may conclude chanic as well as a looker-on, and therefore not fit for me to hear. I had no relief but humbly propose you would invent some padthe hopes of a speedy end of my short jour- lock, with full power under your hand and ney. Sir, form to yourself what a persecu- seal, for all modest persons, either men or tion this must needs be to a virtuons and women, to clap upon the mouths of all such chaste mind; and, in order to your proper impertinent impudent fellows: and I wish you handling such a subject, fancy your wife or would publish a proclamation, that no modest daughter, if you had any, in such circum-person who has a value for her countenance, stances, and what treatment you would then and consequently would not be put out of it, think due to such dragoons. One of them was presume to travel after such a day without one called a captain, and entertained us with of them in their pockets. I fancy a smart nothing but filthy stupid questions, or lewd Spectator upon this subject would serve for songs, all the way. Ready to burst with such a padlock; and that public notice may shame and indignation, I repined that nature be given in your paper where they may be had not allowed us as easily to shut our ears had, with directions, price two-pence; and as our eyes. But was not this a kind of rape? that part of the directions may be, when any Why should there be accessaries in ravish- person presumes to be guilty of the abovement any more than murder? Why should mentioned crime, the party aggrieved may not every contributor to the abuse of chastity produce it to his face, with a request to read suffer death? I am sure these shameless hell-it to the company. He must be very much hounds' deserved it highly. Can you exert hardened that could outface that rebuke; yourself better than on such an occasion and his further punishment I leave you to If you do not do it effectually, I will read no prescribe. more of your papers. Has every impertinent fellow a privilege to torment me, who pay my coach-hire as well as he? Sir, pray consider us in this respect as the weakest sex, who T. 'Your humble servant, have nothing to defend ourselves; and I think No. 534.] Wednesday, November 12, 1712. Rarus enim fermé sensus communis in illâ -We seldom find Juv. Sat. viii. 73. Much sense with an exalted fortune join'd. MR. SPECTATOR, Stepney. it is as gentleman-like to challenge a woman to fight as to talk obscenely in her company, especially when she has not power to stir. Pray let me tell you a story which you can make fit for public view. I knew a gentleman who, having a very good opinion of the gentlemen of the army, invited ten or twelve of them to sup with him; and at the same 'I AM a young woman of nineteen, the only time invited two or three friends who were daughter of very wealthy pare is, and have very severe against the manners and morals my whole life been used with a tenderness of gentlemen of that profession. It happened which did me no great service my educaone of them brought two captains of his re- tion. I have perhaps an uncommon desire ginent newly come into the army, who at the for knowledge of what is suitable to my sex first onset engaged the company with very and quality; but, as far as I can remember, lewd healths and suitable discourse. You the whole dispute about me has been, whether may easily imagine the confusion of the en- such a thing was proper for the child to do, or tertainer, who finding some of his friends not? or whether such or such a food was the very uneasy, desired to tell them the story of more wholesome for the young lady to eat? a great man, one Mr. Locke, (whom I find This was ill for my shape, that for my comyou frequently mention) that being invited to plexion, and the other for my eyes. I am not dine with the then lords Halifax, Anglesey, extravagant when I tell you, I do not know and Shaftsbury, immediately after dinner, that I have trod upon the very earth ever since instead of conversation, the cards were called I was ten years old. A coach or chair I am for, where the bad or good success produced obliged to for all my motions from one place the usual passions of gaming. Mr. Locke, to another ever since I can remember. All retiring to a window, and writing, my lord who had to do to instruct me, have ever been Anglesey desired to know what he was wri- bringing stories of the notable things I have ting: Why, my lords," answered he, "I said, and the womanly manner of my behaving could not sleep last night for the pleasure and myself upon such and such an occasion. This improvement I expected from the conversa- has been my state until I came towards years tion of the greatest men of the age." This of womanhood and ever since I grew toso sensibly stung them, that they gladly com-wards the age of fifteen I have been abused pounded to throw their cards in the fire, if he after another manner. Now, forsooth, I am so would his paper, and so a conversation en- killing, no one can safely speak to me. sued fit for such persons. This story pressed house is frequented by men of sense, and I love so hard upon the young captains, together to ask questions when I fall into such converwith the concurrence of their superior of station; but I am cut short with something ficers, that the young fellows left the com- or other about my bright eyes. There is, sir 66 Our · MR. DAPPERWIT, saying that excellent piece is Mr. Pope's; and 'I am glad to get another line forward, by so, with proper distances, 'I am, Sir, 'Your humble servant, THE SPECTATOR.' MR. SPECTATOR, a language particular for talking to women in; and none but those of the very first goodbreeding (who are very few, and who seldom come into my way) can speak to us without regard to our sex. Among the generality of those they call gentlemen, it is impossible for me to speak upon any subject whatsoever, without provoking somebody to say, "Oh! to be sure, fine Mrs Such-a-one must be very particularly acquainted with all that; all the world would contribute to her entertainment and informa- 'I was a wealthy grocer in the city, and as tion." Thus, sir, I am so handsome, that I fortunate as diligent; but I was a single man. murder all who approach me so wise, that I and you know there are women. Que in parwant no new notices; and so well-bred, that I ticular came to my shop, who I wished might, am treated by all that know me like a fool, for but was afraid never would, make a grocer's no one will answer as if I were their friend or wife. I thought, however, to take an effeccompanion. Pray, sir, be pleased to take the tual way of courting, and sold her at less price part of us beauties and fortunes into your con- than I bought, that I might buy at less price sideration, and do not let us be thus flattered than I sold. She, you may be sure, often out of our senses. I have got an huzzy of a came and helped me to many customers at maid who is most craftily given to this ill the same rate, fancying I was obliged to her. quality. I was at first diverted with a certain You must needs think this was a good living absurdity the creature was guilty of in every trade, and my riches must be vastly improved. thing she said. She is a country girl; and in In fine. I was nigh being declared bankrupt, the dialect of the shire she was born in, would when I declared myself her lover, and she tell me that every body reckoned her lady had herself married. I was just in a condition to the purest red and white in the world: then support myself, and am now in hopes of growshe would tell me I was the most like one Sisly ing rich by losing my customers. Dobson in their town, who made the miller, make away with himself, and walk afterwards in the corn-field where they used to meet. With all this, this cunning huzzy can lay letters in my way, and put a billet in my gloves, 'I am in the condition of the idol you was and then stand in it she knows nothing of it. I once pleased to mention, and bar-keeper of a do not know, from my birth to this day, that I coffee-house. I believe it is needless to tell have been ever treated by any one as I ought; you the opportunities I must give, and the imand if it were not for a few books, which I de- portunities I suffer. But there is one gentlelight in, I should be at this hour a novice to all man who besieges me as close as the French common sense. Would it not be worth your did Bouchain. His gravity makes him work while to lay down rules for behaviour in this cautious, and his regular approaches denote case, and tell people, that we fair ones expect a good engineer. You need not doubt of his honest plain answers as well as other people? oratory, as he is a lawyer; and especially since Why must I, good sir, because I have a good he has had so little use of it at Westminster, air, a fine complexion, and am in the bloom he may spare the more for me. Yours, 'JEREMY COMFIT.' MR. SPECTATOR, of my years, be misled; in all my actions; 'What then can weak woman do? I am and have the notions of good and ill confound-willing to surrender, but he would have it at ed in my mind, for no other offence, but be- discretion, and I with discretion. In the mean cause I have the advantages of beauty and for- time, whilst we parley, our several interests tune? Indeed, sir, what with the silly homage are neglected. As his siege grows stronger, which is paid to us by the sort of people I have my tea grows weaker; and while he pleads above spoken of, and the utter negligence at my bar, none come to him for counsel but inwhich others have for us, the conversation of us young women of condition is no other than what must expose us to ignorance and vanity, if not vice. All this is humbly submitted to your spectatorial wisdom, by formâ pauperis. Dear Mr. Spectator, advise A Minute from Mr. John Sly. The world is pretty regular for about forty rod east and ten west of the observatory of the said Mr. Sly; but he is credibly informed, that when they are got beyond the pass into the Strand, or those who move city-ward are got within Temple-bar, they are just as they were before. It is therefore humbly proposed, that moving centries may be appointed all the overlook the goods of fortune which are near busy hours of the day between the Exchange them, for something that glitters in the sight and Westminster, and report what passes to at a distance; to neglect solid and substanyour honour, or your subordinate officers. from time to time. Ordered, That Mr. Sly name the said officers, provided he will answer for their principles and morals. No. 535.] Thursday November 13, 1712. Spem longam reseces. Cut short vain hope. T. Hor. Od. xi. Lib. 1. 7. tial happiness, for what is showy and superficial; and to contemn that good which lies within their reach, for that which they are not capable of attaining. Hope calculates its schemes for a long and durable life; presses forward to imaginary points of bliss; grasps at impossibilities; and consequently very often ensnares men into beggary, ruin, and dishonour. What I have here said may serve as a moral to an Arabian fable, which I find translated into French by monsieur Galland The fable has in it such a wild but natural simplicity, that I question not but my reader will be as much My four hundred and seventy-first specula- pleased with it as I have been, and that he tion turned upon the subject of hope in will consider himself, if he reflects on the sevgeneral. I design this paper as a speculation eral amusements of hope which have someupon that vain and foolish hope, which is mis- times passed in his mind, as a near relation to employed on temporal objects, and produces the Persian glassman. many sorrows and calamities in human life. Alnaschar, says the fable, was a very idle It is a precept several times inculcated by fellow, that never would set his hand to any Horace that we should not entertain a hope business during his father's life When his of any thing in life, which lies at a great dis- father died, he left him to the value of an tance from us. The shortness and uncertain-hundred drachmas in Persian money. Alnasty of our time here makes such a kind of char, in order to make the best of it, laid it hope unreasonable and absurd. The grave out in glasses, bottles, and the finest earthenlies unseen between us and the object which ware. These he piled up in a large open baswe reach after. Where one man lives to en-ket, and, having made choice of a very little joy the good he has in view, ten thousand are shop, placed the basket at his feet; and leaned cut off in the pursuit of it. his back upon the wall, in expectation of cusIt happens likewise unluckily, that one hope tomers. As he sat in this posture, with his no sooner dies in us but another rises up in eyes upon the basket, he fell into a most amusits stead. We are apt to fancy that we shall ing train of thought, and was overheard by be happy and satisfied if we possess our one of his neighbours, as he talked to himself selves of such and such particular enjoyments; in the following manner: This basket,' says but either by reason of their emptiness, or he, cost me at the wholesale merchant's an the natural inquietude of the mind, we have hundred drachmas, which is all I have in the no sooner gained one point, but we extend our world. I shall quickly make two hundred of hopes to another. We still find new inviting it, by selling it in retail. These two hundred scenes and landscapes lying behind those which drachmas will in a very little while rise to four at a distance terminated our view. hundred, which of course will amount in time The natural consequences of such reflec- to four thousand Four thousand drachmas tions are these; that we should take care not cannot fail of making eight thousand. As soon to let our hopes run out into too great a length; as by these means I am master of ten thouthat we should sufficiently weigh the objects sand, I will lay aside my trade of a glassman, of our hope, whether they be such as we may and turn jeweller. I shall then deal in diareasonably expect from them what we pro-monds, pearls, and all sorts of rich stones. pose in their fruition, and whether they are When I have got together as much wealth as such as we are pretty sure of attaining, in case I well can desire, I will make a purchase of our life extend itself so far. If we hope for the finest house I can find, with lands, slaves, things which are at too great a distance from eunuchs, and horses. I shall then begin to us, it is possible that we may be intercepted by enjoy myself and make a noise in the world. I death in our progress towards them. If we hope will not however stop there, but still continue for things which we have not thoroughly consi- my traffic, until I have got together a hundred dered the value of, our disappointment will be thousand drachmas. When I have thus made greater than our pleasure in the fruition of them. myself master of a hundred thousand drachmas, If we hope for what we are not likely to pos- I shall naturally set myself on the foot of a sess, we act and think in vain, and make life a prince, and will demand the grand visier's greater dream and shadow than it really is. daughter in marriage, after having represented Many of the miseries and misfortunes of to that minister the information which I have life proceed from our want of consideration, received of the beauty, wit, discretion, and in one or all of these particulars. They are other high qualities which his daughter posthe rocks on which the sanguine tribe of lovers sesses. I will let him know, at the same time, daily split, and on which the bankrupt, the that it is my intention to make him a present politician, the alchymist, and projector, are of a thousand pieces of gold on our marriage cast away in every age. Men of warm imagi- night. As soon as I have marrried the grand nations and towering thoughts are apt to visier's daughter, I will buy her ten black VOL. II. 37 eunuchs, the youngest and the best that can perscribed, To the ingenious Spectator,' be got for money. I must afterwards make which the young lady had desired him to my father-in-law a visit, with a great train deliver into my own hands, and to tell me, and equipage. And when I am placed at his that the speedy publication of it would not right hand, which he will do of course, if it be only oblige herself but a whole tea-table of only to honour his daughter, I will give him the my friends. I opened it therefore with a thousand pieces of gold which I promised him; resolution to publish it, whatever it should and afterwards to his great surprise, will pre- contain, and am sure if any of my male readsent him with another purse of the same value, ers will be so severely critical as not to like with some short speech: as, Sir, you see it, they would have been as well pleased with am a man of my word: I always give more it as myself, had they seen the face of the than I promise." pretty scribe. 66 When I have brought the princess to my house, I shall take particular care to breed her MR. SPECTATOR, London, Nov. 1712. in a due respect for me before I give the réins 'You are always ready to receive any useful to love and dalliance. To this end I shall con- hint or proposal, and such, I believe, you will fine her to her own apartment, make her a think one that may put you in a way to employ short visit, and talk but little to her. Her the most idle part of the kingdom: I mean women will represent to me that she is incon- that part of mankind who are known by the solable by reason of my unkindness, and beg name of the women's men, or beaux, &c. Mr. me with tears to caress her, and let her sit Spectator, you are sensible these pretty gentledown by me; but I shall still remain inexora- men are not made for any manly employments, ble, and will turn my back upon her all the and for want of business are often as much in first night. Her mother will then come and the vapours as the ladies. Now what I propose bring her daughter to me, as I am seated is this, that since knotting is again in fashion, upon my sofa. The daughter, with tears in her which has been found a very pretty amuseeyes, will fling herself at my feet, and beg of ment, that you will recommend it to these me to receive her into my favour. Then will I, gentlemen as something that may make them to imprint in her a thorough veneration for my useful to the ladies they admire. And since it person, draw up my legs and spurn her from is not inconsistent with any game, or other dime with my foot, in such a manner that she version, for it may be done in the play-house, shall fall down several paces from the sofa.' in their coaches, at the tea-table, and in short Alnaschar was entirely swallowed up in this chimerical vision, and could not forbear acting with his foot what he had in his thoughts; so that unluckily striking his basket of brittle ware, which was the foundation of all his grandeur, he kicked his glasses to a great distance from him into the street, and broke them into ten thousand pieces. No. 536.] Friday, November 14, 1712: 0. Virg. En. ix. 617. O! less than women in the shapes of men! Dryden. in all places where they come for the sake of the ladies, (except at church; be pleased to forbid it there to prevent mistakes) it will be easily complied with. It is besides an employment that allows, as we see by the fair-sex, of many graces, which will make the beaux more readily come into it; it shows a white hand and a diamond ring to great advantage; it leaves the eyes at full liberty to be employed as before, as also the thoughts and the tongue. In short it seems in every respect so proper, that it is needless to urge it further, by speaking of the satisfaction these male knotters will find, when they see their work mixed up in a fringe, and worn by the fair lady for As I was the other day standing in my book-whom and with whom it was done. Truly, seller's shop, a pretty young thing about eigh- Mr. Spectator, I cannot but be pleased I have teen years of age stepped out of her coach, hit upon something that these gentlemen are and, brushing by me, beckoned the man of the capable of; for it is sad so considerable a shop to the further end of his counter, where part of the kingdom (I mean for numbers) she whispered something to him, with an at- should be of no manner of use. I shall not tentive look, and at the same time presented trouble you further at this time, but only to him with a letter: after which pressing the say, that I am always your reader, and geneend of her fan upon his hand, she delivered rally your admirer, 'C. B. the remaining part of her message, and withdrew. I observed, in the midst of her discourse, that she flushed and cast an eye upon me over her shoulder, having been informed by my bookseller that I was the man with the short face whom she had so often read of. I shall in the next place present my reaUpon her passing by me, the pretty blooming der with the description of a set of men who creature smiled in my face, and dropped me are common enough in the world though I do a courtesy. She scarce gave me time to re-not remember that I have yet taken notice of turn her salute, before she quitted the shop them, as they are drawn in the following letter. with an easy scuttle, and stepped again into her coach, giving the footmen directions to drive where they were bid. Upon her departure, my bookseller gave me a letter su set to work the better; there being at this 'P. S. The sooner these fine gentlemen are time several fine fringes, that stay only for more hands.' MR. SPECTATOR, • Since you have lately, to so good purpose, enlarged upon conjugal love, it is to be hoped SIR, To the Speetalor. you will discourage every practice that rather| proceeds from a regard to interest than to happiness. Now you cannot but observe, that most IT had been usual to remind persons of of our fine young ladies readily fall in with the direction of the graver sort, to retain in their rank, on great occasions in life, of their race service, by some small encouragement, as great and quality, and to what expectations they a number as they can of supernumerary and were born; that by considering what is worinsignificant fellows, which they use like whif-thy of them, they may be withdrawn from mean pursuits, and encouraged to laudable flers, and commonly call "shoeing-borns." These are never designed to know the length undertakings. This is turning nobility into a of the foot, but only, when a good offer principle of virtue, and making it productive comes, to whet and spur him up to the point. of merit, as it is understood to have been oriNay, it is the opinion of that grave lady, ma-ginally a reward of it. It is for the like reason, I imagine, that dam Matchwell, that it is absolutely convenient for every prudent family to have several you have in some of your speculations asserted of these implements about the house to clap to your readers the dignity of human nature. on as occasion serves; and that every spark But you cannot be insensible that this is a ought to produce a certificate of his being controverted doctrine; there are authors who a shoeing-horn before he be admitted as a consider human nature in a very different view, shoe. A certain lady whom I could name, if and books of maxims have been written to it was necessary, has at present more shoeing-show the falsity of all human virtues.* The horns of all sizes, countries, and colours in reflections which are made on this subject usuher service, than ever she had new shoes in ally take some tincture from the tempers and her life. I have known a woman make use characters of those that make them. Politicians of a shoeing-horn for several years, and find- can resolve the most shining actions among ing him unsuccessful in that function, con- men into artifice and design; others, who are vert him at length into a shoe. I am mista-soured by discontent, repulses, or ill-usage, are ken if your friend, Mr. William Honeycomb, apt to mistake their spleen for philosophy; was not a cast shoeing-horn before his late men of profligate lives, and such as find themmarriage. As for myself, I must frankly selves incapable of rising to any distinction declare to you, that I have been an errant among their fellow-creatures, are for pulling shoeing-horn for above these twenty years. I down all appearances of merit which seem to served my first mistress in that capacity above upbraid them; and satirists describe nothing five of the number, before she was shod. I but deformity. From all these hands we have confess, though she had many who made their such draughts of mankind, as are represented application to her, I always thought myself in those burlesque pictures which the Italians the best shoe in her shop; and it was not until call caricatures; where the art consists in prea month before her marriage that I discovered serving, amidst distorted proportions and agwhat I was. gravated features, some likeness of the person, but in such a manner as to transform the most agreeable beauty into the most odious monster. opinion of others, but to destroy that reverence for himself, which is a great guard of iunocence, and a spring of virtue. This had like to have broke my heart, and raised such suspicions in me, that I told the It is very disingenuous to level the best of next I made love to, upon receiving some unkind usage from her, that I began to look upon mankind with the worst, and for the faults of myself as no more than her shoeing-horn. Up- particulars to degrade the whole species. Such on which, my dear, who was a coquette in her methods tend not only to remove a man's good nature, told me I was hypochondriacal, and I might as well look upon myself to be an egg, or a pipkin. But in a very short time after 'It is true indeed, that there are surprising she gave me to know that I was not mistaken in myself. It would be tedious to you to re- mixtures of beauty and deformity, of wisdom count the life of an unfortunate shoeing-horn, and folly, virtue and vice, in the human make: or I might entertain you with a very long and such a disparity is found amoung numbers of melancholy relation of my sufferings. Upon the same kind; and every individual in some the whole, I think, sir, it would very well be- instances, or at some times, is so unequal to come a man in your post, to determine in what himself, that man seems to be the most wavercases a woman may be allowed with honour to ing and inconsistent being in the whole creamake use of a shoeing-horn, as also to declare tion. So that the question in morality conwhether a maid on this side five-and-twenty, or a widow, who has not been three years in that state, may be granted such a privilege, with other difficulties which will naturally occur to you upon that subject. 0. 'I am, Sir, cerning the dignity of our nature may at first sight appear like some difficult questions in natural philosophy, in which the arguments_on both sides seem to be of equal strength. But, as I began with considering this point as it relates to action, I shall here borrow an admirable reflection from monsieur Paschal, which I think sets it in its proper light. "It is of dangerous consequence," says he, "to represent to man how near he is to the This is an allusion to the Reflections et Maximes Morales de M. le Duc de la Rochefoucault. |