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another was making over a short waist for a sions was commanded to disappear. There pair of round shoulders, and a third cheap-was sent in her stead a goddess of a quite difening a bad face for a lost reputation: but ferent figure; her motions were steady and on all these occasions there was not one of composed, and her aspect serious butcheerful. them who did not think the new blemish, as She every now and then cast her eyes towards soon as she had got it into her possession, heaven, and fixed them upon Jupiter: her much more disagreeable than the old one. name was Patience. She had no sooner made the same observation on every other placed herself by the Mount of Sorrows, but, misfortune or calamity which every one in the what I thought very remarkable, the whole assembly brought upon himself in lieu of what heap sunk to such a degree, that it did not he had parted with whether it be that all appear a third part so big as it was before. the evils which befal us, are in some mea-She afterwards returned eveay man his own sure suited and proportioned to our strength, proper calamity, and, teaching him how to or that every evil becomes more supportable bear it in the most commodious manner, he by our being accustomed to it, I shall not marched off with it contentedly, being very determine. well pleased that he had not been left to his I could not from my heart forbear pitying own choice as to the kind of evils which fell to the poor hump-backed gentleman mentioned his lot. in the former paper who went off a very well Besides the several pieces of morality to shaped person with a stone in his bladder; be drawn out of this vision, I learnt from nor the fine gentleman who had struck up it never to repine at my own misfortunes, this bargain with him, that limped through a or to envy the happiness of another, since whole assembly of ladies, who used to admire it is impossible for any man to form a right him, with a pair of shoulders peeping over his judgment of his neighbour's sufferings; for head. which reason also I have determined never I must not omit my own particular ad- to think too lightly of another's complaints, venture. My friend with a long visage had no but to regard the sorrows of my fellow-creasooner taken upon him my short face, but he tures with scutiments of humanity and commade such a grotesque figure in it, that as I passion. looked upon him I could not forbear laughing

at myself, insomuch that I put my own face

out of countenance. The poor gentleman was No. 560.] Monday, June 28, 1714.

-Verba intermissa retentat.

0.

Ovid. Met. Lib. i. 746.

He tries his tongue, his silence softly breaks.

Dryden

so sensible of the ridicule, that I found he was ashamed of what he had done: on the other side, I found that I myself had no great reason to triumph, for as I went to touch my forehead I missed the place, and clapped my finger upon my upper lip. Besides, as my nose was EVERY one has heard of the famous conjuexceeding prominent, I gave it two or three ror, who, according to the opinion of the vulunlucky knocks as I was playing my hand gar, has studied himself dumb; for which about my face, and aiming at some other part reason, as it is believed, he delivers out his of it. I saw two other gentlemen by me who oracles in writing. Be that as it will, the were in the same ridiculous circumstances. blind Tiresias was not more famous in Greece These had made a foolish swop between a than this dumb artist has been for some years couple of thick bandy legs and two long trap-last past in the cities of London and Weststicks that had no calves to them. One of minster. Thus much for the profound genthese looked like a man walking upon stilts, tleman who honours me with the following and was so lifted up into the air, above his epistle. ordinary height, that his head turned round with it; while the other made such awkward circles, as he attempted to walk, that he scarcely knew how to move forward upon his Being informed that you have lately got new supporters, Observing him to be a plea- the use of your tongue, I have some thoughts sant kind of fellow, I stuck my cane in the of following your example, that I may be ground, and told him I would lay him a bottle a fortune-teller, properly speaking. I am of wine that he did not march up to it on a line that I drew for him in a quarter of an hour.

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SIR,

From my cell, June 24, 1714.

grown weary of my taciturnity, and having served my country many years under the title of "the dumb doctor," I shall now proThe heap was at last distributed among the phesy by word of mouth, and (as Mr. Lee two sexes, who mnde a most piteous sight, as says of the magpie, who you know was a they wandered up and down under the pres- great fortune-teller among the ancients) chatsure of their several burdens. The whole ter futurity. I have hitherto chosen to replain was filled with murmurs and complaints, ceive questions and return answers in writgroans and lamentations. Jupiter at length ing, that I might avoid the tediousness and taking compassion on the poor mortals, or- trouble of debates, my querists being genedered them a second time to lay down their rally of a humour to think that they have loads, with a design to give every one his own never predictions enough for their money. again. They discharged themselves with a In short, sir, my case has been something great deal of pleasure: after which, the phan-like that of those discreet animals the montom who had led them into such gross delu- keys, who, as the Indians tell us, can speak

if they would, but purposely avoid it that all agree with you, that there is not a more they may not be made to work. I have remarkable accident recorded in history, since hitherto gained a livelihood by holding my that which happened to the soun of Crœsus; tongue, but shall now open my mouth in nay, I believe you might have gone higher, and order to fill it. If I appear a little word- have added Balaam's ass. We are impatient bound in my first solutions and responses, to see more of your productions; and expect I hope it will not be imputed to any want of what words will next fall from you with as foresight, but to the long disuse of speech. much attention as those who were set to watch I doubt not by this invention to have all my the speaking head which friar Bacon formerly former customers over again; for, if I have erected in this place. promised any of them lovers or husbands, riches or good luck, it is my design to confirm to them, vivid voce, what I have already given them under my hand. If you will honour me with a visit, I will compliment you with the first opening of my mouth: and, if you please, you may make an entertaining dialogue out of the conversation of two dumb men. Excuse this trouble, worthy sir, from one who has been a long time,

Your silent admirer,

'CORNELIUS AGRIPPA,'

I have received the following letter, or rather billet-doux, from a pert young baggage, who congratulates with me upon the same occasion.

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'We are, worthy sir,

HONEST SPEC,

'Your most humble servants, B. R. T. D. &c.'

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Middle-Temple, June 24.

'I am very glad to hear that thou beginnest to prate; and find, by thy yesterday's vision, thou art so used to it, that thou canst not forbear talking in thy sleep. Let me only advise thee to speak like other men; for I am afraid thou wilt be very queer, if thou dost not intend to use the phrases of fashion, as thou callest them in thy second paper. Hast thou a mind to pass for a Bantamite, or to make us all Quakers? I do assure thee, dear Spec, I am not polished out of my veracity, when I subscribe myself

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'P. S. You may find us at my lady Betty Clack's, who will leave orders with her porter, that if an elderly gentleman, with a short face, inquires for her, he shall be admitted, and no questions asked.'

As this particular paper shall consist wholly of what I have received from my correspondents, I shall fill up the remaining part of it with other congratulatory letters of the same

nature.

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Thy constant admirer,

' and humble servant, FRANK TOWNLY."

Wednesday, June 30, 1714.

-Paulatim abolere Sichæum
Incipit, et vivo tentat prævertere amore
Jampridem resides animos desuetaque corda.
Virg. Æn. i. 724.

But he

Works in the pliant bosom of the fair,

And moulds her heart anew, and blots her former care,
The dead is to the living love resign'd,
And all Eneas enters in her mind.

'SIR,

Dryden.

I AM a tall, broad-shouldered, impudent, black fellow, and as I thought, every way qualified for a rich widow: but after having tried my fortune for above three years together, I have not been able to get one single relict in the mind. My first attacks were generally successful, but always broke off as soon as they came to the word settlement. Though I have not improved my fortune this way, I have my experience, and have learnt several secrets which may be of use to these Oxford, June 25, 1714. unhappy gentlemen, who are commonly disWe are here wonderfully pleased with the tinguished by the name of widow-hunters, and opening of your mouth, and very frequently open who do not know that this tribe of women ours in approbation of your design; especially are, generally speaking, as much upon the since we find you are resolved to preserve catch as themselves. I shall here communiyour taciturnity as to all party matters. We cate to you the mysteries of a certain female do not question but you are as great an ora- cabal of this order, who call themselves the tor as sir Hudibras, of whom the poet sweetly Widow-club. This club consists of nine experienced dames, who take their places once ings.

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SIR,

-He could not ope

His mouth, but out there flew a trope."

a week round a large oval table.

1. Mrs. President is a person who has disposed of six husbands, and is now determined If you will send us down the half dozen well- to take a seventh; being of opinion that there turned periods, that produced such dismal is as much virtue in the touch of a seventh effects in your muscles, we will deposit them husband as of a seventh son. near an old manuscript of Tully's orations, are as follow: among the archieves of the university; for we

Her comrades

2. Mrs. Snap, who has four jointures,

by four different bed-fellows, of four different sixteen, at which time she was entered of the shires. She is at present upon the point of club, but soon after left it upon account of a marriage with a Middlesex man, and is said second, whom she made so quick a despatch to have an ambition of extending her posses- of, that she returned to her seat in less than a sions through all the counties in England on twelvemonth. This young matron is looked this side the Trent. upon as the most rising member of the socie3. Mrs. Medlar, who, after two husbands ty, and will probably be in the president's and a gallant, is now wedded to an old chair before she dies.

gentleman of sixty. Upon her making her 'These ladies, upon their first institution, report to the club after a weeks's cohabita-resolved to give the pictures of their deceased tion, she is still allowed to sit as a widow, husbands to the club-room; but two of them and accordingly takes her place at the board. bringing in their dead at full length, they 4. The widow Quick, married within a covered all the walls. Upon which they came fortnight after the death of her last husband. to a second resolution, that every matron Her weeds have served her thrice, and are should give her own picture, and set it round still as good as new. with her husband's in miniature.

5. Lady Catharine Swallow. She was a widow at eighteen, and has since buried a second husband and two coachmen.

'As they have most of them the mis fortune to be troubled with the colick, they have a noble cellar of cordials and strong waters. 6. The lady Waddle. She was married When they grow maudlin, they are very apt in the fifteenth year of her age to Sir Simon to commemorate their former partners with a Waddle, knight, aged threescore and twelve, tear. But ask them which of their husbands by whom she had twins nine months after they condole, they are not able to tell you, his decease. In the fifty-fifth year of her age and discover plainly that they do not weep so she was married to James Spindle, Esq. a much for the loss of a husband as for the youth of one-and-twenty, who did not outlive want of one. the honey-moon.

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By this

The principal rule by which the whole so7. Deborah Conquest. The case of this ciety are to govern themselves, is this, to cry lady is something particular. She is the re- up the pleasures of a single life upon all occalict of Sir Sampson Conquest, some time jus- sions, in order to deter the rest of their sex tice of the quorum. Sir Sampson was seven from marriage, and engross the whole male foot high, and two foot in breadth from the world to themselves. tip of one shoulder to the other. He had They are obliged, when any one makes married three wives, who all of them died in love to a member of the society, to communichild-bed. This terrified the whole sex, who cate his name, at which the whole assembly none of them durst venture on Sir Sampson. sit upon his reputation, person, fortune, and At length Mrs. Deborah undertook him, and good humour; and if they find him qualified gave so good an account of him, that in for a sister of the club. they lay their heads three years' time she very fairly laid him together how to make him sure. out, and measured his length upon the means they are acquainted with all the widowground. This exploit has gained her so hunters about town, who often afford them great a reputation in the club, that they great diversion. There is an honest Irish genhave added Sir Sampson's three victories tleman, it seems, who knows nothing of this to her's, and give her the merit of a fourth society, but at different times has made love widowhood; and she takes her place accor- to the whole club. dingly. 'Their conversation often turns upon their The widow Wildfire, relict of Mr. John former husbands, and it is very diverting to Wildfire, fox-hunter, who broke his neck over a hear them relate their several arts and strasix-bar gate. She took his death so much to tagems with which they amused the jealous, heart, that it was thought it would have put pacified the choleric, or wheedled the goodan end to her life, had she not diverted her catured man, till at last, to use the clubsorrows by receiving the addresses of a gen-phrase, "they sent him out of the house with tleman in the neighbourhood, who made love his heels foremost." to her in the second month of her widowhood. The politics which are most cultivated by The gentleman was discarded in a fortnight this society of she-Machiavels relate chiefly to for the sake of a young templar, who had the these two points, how to treat a lover, and possession of her for six weeks after, till he how to manage a husband. As for the first set was beaten out by a broken officer, who like- of artifices, they are to numerous to come withwise gave up his place to a gentleman at court. in the compass of your paper, and shall thereThe courtier was as short-lived a favourite as fore be reserved for a second letter.

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his predecessors, but had the pleasure to see The management of a husband is built himself succeeded by a long series of lovers, upon the following doctrines, which are uniwho followed the widow Wildfire to the thirty-versally assented to by the whole club. Not seventh year of her age, at which time there to give him his head at first. Not to allow ensued a cessation of ten years, when John him too great freedoms and familiarities. Not Felt, haberdasher, took it in his head to be in to be treated by him like a raw girl, but as a love with her, and it is thought will very sud- woman that knows the world. Not to lessen denly carry her off. any thing of her former figure. To celebrate 9. The last is pretty Mrs. Runnet, who the generosity, or any other virtue, of a debroke her first husband's heart before she was ceased husband, which she would recommend

'After so long a letter, I am, without more

ceremony,

"Your humble servant, &c.'

to his successor. To turn away all his old it stands with himself in that particular. Had friends and servants, that she may have the he kept his own counsel, he might have passed dear man to herself. To make him disinherit fot a much better man, though perhaps he the undutiful children of any former wife. would not have been so diverting an author. Never to be thoroughly convinced of his affec- The title of an Essay promises perhaps a distion, until he has made over to her all his goods course upon Virgil or Julius Cæsar; but, when and chattels. you look into it, you are sure to meet with more upon Monsieur Montaigne than of either of them. The younger Scaliger, who seems to have been no great friend to this author, after having acquainted the world that his father sold herrings, adds these words: La grande fadaise de Montaigne, qui a écrit qu'il aimoit mieux le vin blanc.-Que diable a-t-on à faire de scavoir ce qu'il aime? For my part,' says Montaigne, I am a great lover of your white wines. What the devil signifies it to the public,' says Scaliger, whether he is a lover of white wines or of red wines?'

No. 562.] Friday, July 2, 1714.

-Præsens, absens ut sies.

Be present as if absent.

Ter. Eun. Act. i. Sc. 2.

IT is a hard and nice subject for a man to speak of himself,' says Cowley; 'it grates his own heart to say any thing of disparagement, I cannot here forbear mentioning a tribe of and the reader s ears to hear any thing of praise egotists, for whom I have always had a mortal from him.' Let the tenour of his discourse aversion-I mean the authors of memoirs, who be what it will upon this subject, it generally proceeds from vanity. An ostentatious man will rather relate a blunder or an absurdity he has committed, than be debarred of talking of his own dear person.

are never mentioned in any works but their own, and who raise all their productions out of this single figure of speech.

-Id populus curat scillicet.'

Such informations cannot but be highly improving to the reader.

Most of our modern prefaces savour very strongly of the egotism. Every insignificant Some very great writers have been guilty of author fancies it of importance to the world to this fault. It is observed of Tully in particu- know that he writ his book in the country, lar, that his works run very much in the first that he did it to pass away some of his idle person, and that he takes all occasions of doing hours, that it was published at the importunity himself justice. 'Does he think,' says Brutus, of friends, or that his natural temper, studies, 'that his consulship deserves more applause or conversations, directed him to the choice of than my putting Cæsar to death, because I am his subject: not perpetually talking of the ides of March, as he is of the nones of December?' I need not acquaint my learned reader, that in the ides of March Brutus destroyed Cæsar, and that In works of humour especially, when a man Cicero quashed the conspiracy of Cataline in the talking the calends of December. How shocking so-writes under a fictitious personage, ever this great man's talking of himself might of oneself may give some diversion to the pubhave been to his contemporaries, I must con-lic; but I would advise every other writer never fess I am never bettter pleased than when he'is to speak of himself, unless there be something on this subject. Such openings of the heart very considerable in his character; though I give a man a thorough insight into his personal am sensible this rule will be of little use in the character, and illustrate several passages in the world, because there is no man who fancies history of his life; besides that, there is some his thoughts worth publishing that does not look little pleasure in discovering the infirmity of upon himself as a considerable person. a great man, and seeing how the opinion he has of himself agrees with what the world entertains of him.

I shall close this paper with a remark upon such as are egotists in conversation: these are generally the vain or shallow part of mankind The gentlemen of Port Royal, who were more people being naturally full of themselves when eminent for their learning and for their humili- they have nothing else in them. There is one ty than any other in France, banished the way kind of egotist which is very common in the of speaking in the first person out of all their world, though I do not remember that any works, as rising from vain-glory and self-con-writer has taken notice of them; I mean those ceit. To show their particular aversion to it, empty conceited fellows who repeat, as sayings they branded this form of writing with the name of their own or some of their particular friends, of an egotism: a figure not to be found among the ancient rhetoricians.

several jests which were made before they were born, and which every one who has conversed The most violent egotism which I have met in the world has heard a hundred times over. with in the course of my reading, is that of A forward young fellow of my acquaintance was cardinal Wolsey, ego et rex meus, 'I and my very guilty of this absurdity: he would be king;' as perhaps the most eminent egotist always laying a new scene for some old piece that ever appeared in the world was Montaigne, of wit, and telling us, that, as he and Jack the author of the celebrated Essays. This Such-a-one were together, one or t'other of lively old Gascon has woven all his bodily in-them had such a conceit on such an occasion; firmities into his works; and, after having upon which he would laugh very heartily, and spoken of the faults or virtues of any other wonder the company did not join with him. men, immediately publishes to the world how When his mirth was over, I have often repre

hended him out of Terence, Tuumne, obsecro | One of these Blanks 'is equally qualified for te, hoc dictum erat? vetus credidi. But find-all offices; he can serve in time of need for a ing him still incorrigible, and having a kind-soldier, a politician, a lawyer, or what you ness for the young coxcomb, who was other-please. I have known in my time many a wise a gook-natured fellow, I recommended to brother Blank, that has been born under a his perusal the Oxford and Cambridge jests, lucky planet, heap up great riches, and swell with several little pieces of pleasantry of the into a man of figure and importance, before same nature. Upon the reading of them, he the grandees of his party could agree among was under no small confusion to find that all themselves which of them should step into his his jokes had passed through several editions, place. Nay, I have known a Blank continue and that what he thought a new conceit, and so long in one of these vacant posts, (for such had appropriated to his own use, had appeared it is to be reckoned all the time a Blank is in in print before he or his ingenious friends were it), that he has grown too formidable and ever heard of. This had so good an affect upon dangerous to be removed. him, that he is content at present to pass for a man of plain sense in his ordinary conversation, and is never facetious but when he knows his

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I SHALL entertain my reader with two very curious letters. The first of them comes from a chimerical person, who I believe never writ to any body before.

SIR,

But to return to myself Since I am so very commodious a person, and so very necessary in all well-regulated governments, I desire you will take my case into consideration, that I may be no longer made a tool of, and only employed to stop a gap. Such usage, without a pun, makes me look very blank. For all which reasons I humbly recommend myself to your protection, and am

'Your most obedient servant,

'BLANK.

"PS. I herewith send you a paper drawn up by a country-attorney, employed by two gentlemen, whose names he was not acquainted with, and who did not think fit to let him into 'I AM descended from the ancient family of the secret which they are transacting. I heard the Blanks, a name well known among all men him call it "a blank instrument," and read of business. It is always read in those little it after the following manner. You may see white spaces of writing which want to be filled by this singie instance of what use I am to the up, and which for that reason are called blank busy world. spaces, as of right appertaining to our family: "I, T. Blank, esquire, of Blank town, in the for I consider myself as the lord of a manor, county of Blank, do own myself indebted in who lays his claim to all wastes or spots of the sum of Blank, to Goodman Blank, for the ground that are unappropriated. I am a near service he did me in procuring for me the kinsman to John-a-Styles and John-a-Nokes; goods following; Blank: and I do hereby and they, I am told, came in with the con- promise the said Blank to pay unto him the queror. I am mentioned oftener in both houses said sum of Blank, on the Blank day of the of parliament than any other person in Great month of Blank next ensuing, under the penBritain. My name is written, or, more pro-alty and forfeiture of Blank." I shall take time to consider the case of this perly speaking, not written, thus: [ ] I am one that can turn my hand to every my imaginary correspondent, and in the mean thing, and appear under any shape whatso- while shall present my reader with a letter which seems to come from a person that is I can make myself man, woman, or child. I am sometimes metamorphosed into made up of flesh and blood.

ever.

GOOD MR. SPECTATOR,

a year of our Lord, a day of the month, or an hour of the day. I very often represent a sum of money, and am generally the first sub- 'I am married to a very honest gentleman sidy that is granted to the crown. I have now that is exceeding good-natured, and at the and then supplied the place of several thous-same time very choleric. There is no standands of land-soldiers, and have as frequently ing before him when he is in a passion; but been employed in the sea-service. as soon as it is over he is the best humoured creature in the world. When he is angry he breaks all my china-ware that chances to lie in his way, and the next morning sends me in twice as much as he broke the day before. I may positively say, that he has broke me a child's fortune since we were first married together.

Now, sir, my complaint is this, that I am only made use of to serve a turn, being always discarded as soon as a proper person is found out to fill up my place.

If you have ever been in the playhouse before the curtain rises, you see the most of the front-boxes filled with men of my family, who forthwith turn out and resign their stations upon the appearance of those for whom they are retained.

But the most illustrious branch of the Blanks are those who are planted in high posts, till such times as persons of greater consequence can be found out to supply them.

As soon as he begins to fret, down goes every thing that is within reach of his cane. I once prevailed upon hit never to carry a stick in his hand, but this saved me nothing; for upon seeing me do something that did not please him, he kicked down a great jar that cost him above ten pounds but the week be

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