66 obstinacy, that they should reap some benefit from me after all. "Why," said William, “ did you not send for me immediately upon your entering this house?" Ay, dear sir, so I said: why, dear sir, said I, cannot you send for some of your friends ? for I know'd as how, the gentleman had many friends, and my husband would have gone himself to any part of the town, with all his soul. No one can ever say, that we were backward, in doing every thing in our power to serve and oblige every gentleman, that ever came into our house: and, though I say it, that should not say it, I believe there is not a house, in our way, in London, that has ever had more good people in it, as a body may say, than ours; and, says I, Lord, sir, says I, you need not for to make yourself uneasy; it is no crime, says I, to be in difficulty, or the like of that; the best people in the world, says I, are in the greatest difficulties, says I; I am sure, I have had my share of troubles and difficulties in this world, says I; but I had better, says I, have them here, than in a worse place: I hope, I shall atone for all my sins here." Thus did this creature's tongue run, and would have continued so to do, had not my brother asked, if I had breakfasted?" Ay, sir, I am glad to hear you say something of that. The poor gentleman has not seemed to care any thing about eating, or drinking: for my part, I was frightened, in the dread of the poor gentleman's dying in the house; I would have urged him over and over again; but said I, may be he will think as how, that I inean my own interest, and so I did not care to say much about it; but, sir, the poor gentleman can't think you have any interest." "Get breakfast, ma'am." "Tea or coffee, gentlemen ?" "Both, maʼam, and, do you hear, let us have a private room." Yes, sir." When left alone, my friend, and brother, again reproached me for delaying my communications to him. I frankly told him, that I was so far from being disposed to solicit his aid, that I seriously regretted he had discovered me that I had no wish to involve my friends in my difficulties; that I would much rather continue a prisoner, for the remainder of my life, than incur obligations, which I had no prospect of discharging. "Pho, pho," said he, "this is idle talk. You cannot believe, you would be the only sufferer from your continuing in durance." But I should not suffer long. "You know not how long, however; drop the subject, here is breakfast; sit you down, and let us breakfast together; we will resume our subject by and by." Yes, William, we will resume our subject, by and by; but suffer me to observe, you shall not come under bonds on my account, neither shall you discharge my debts; consent to this stipulation, or I touch no break 66 fast. "Pshaw, pshaw, how whimsical; but eat your breakfast, man: I promise, I will do neither." We then breakfasted in peace, and I derived a mournful kind of pleasure, from the assurance, that I should not involve the brother of my Eliza in my ruin. But, how great was my astonishment, when he ordered in the officer, who was also master of the house, when, after demanding and discharging his bill, he produced a receipt in full from my creditor, and a complete discharge for me. Thus was I liberated from the fangs of these harpies, and I accompanied this commiserating brother to his hospitable mansion, where he related to me the means, by which he had discovered me. Quitting this noble-minded friend, I hastened home to my suffering mother, who was in agonies on my account; ignorant where I was, or what was my situation, her apprehensions were of the most fearful kind. We mingled our tears, while she most affectionately endeavoured to soothe me, and to bind up my broken heart; but my only remaining hope was, that, in this distempered state, I had not long to suffer. But, alas! here also I was deceived; long, very long have I continued, and with heart-felt sorrow, to tread this thorny maze. The brothers of my departed angel combined to help me forward; many plans were proposed for me; a sum of money was hired to place me, as a partner, in a mercantile house, and my brothers were my bondsmen ! I detested the thought of new prospects from such a world as this, but, to my beloved William, I was largely in debt; he had a growing family, and both gratitude, as well as justice, demanded I should make every effort for his remuneration. Thus I again became a melancholy man of business. It was supposed the road, not only to competency, but to affluence, was open before me, and I was pronounced in flourishing circumstances. It was, for those who loved me, a pleasing dream ; but soon the golden vision vanished, and I awoke to the certainty of its being no more than a dream. Again I returned to my lonely dwelling; pleased with the thought, that my solitude would no more be interrupted; again I detested the world, and all which it could bestow. Thus a few more melancholy months rolled mournfully away, and I expected to finish my days in the retirement, to which I was devoted. One consideration, however, still pressed heavily upon my mind. The very considerable sums, for which I was indebted to my generous brother, was, to me, a mighty burden; and this beloved brother, availing himself of my anxiety on this account, once more set me afloat. Many were the efforts, to which I consented; great were my mental sacrifices. But one expedient re mained; it was a mournful expedient. I will not delineate. I pause; I throw a veil over many revolving months; let it suffice to say, my purpose was gained, my debts were paid, my pecuniary circumstances easy; but this was all. How mysterious are the ways of heaven! how many torturing scenes I have passed through! But, blessed be God, I have passed through them. Thanks be to the Father of mercies, they can no more be reiterated: My newly acquired competency possessed no charms for me; I derived no satisfaction from any thing around me. In fact, I had nothing in prospect, and hope seemed to have expired in my bosom. CHAPTER V. The bereaved man, quitting his native shores, embarks for America; indulging the fond hope of sequestering himself in the solitude, for which he sighed. But, contrary to his expectations, a series of circumstances combine to produce him a Promulgator of the Gospel of God, our Saviour. Death's sable pall o'er all my pleasures thrown, My native isle to me a desert grown ; Sad and forlorn, to the new world I fled, Amid its wilds to shield my widowed head. AVING, as has been described, laid the companion of my youth, HA the wife of my bosom, in the grave; my spirit still hovered round her tomb. It has been seen, that my life seemed devoted to misery; that I wept at all times, except when I turned my attention to that bright world, upon which, I imagined, I was verging; that I wished the act of putting a period to a weary life had ranked among the Christian virtues; that I never more passionately longed for any good, than for the period, which was to put an end to my existence; that I had but few acquaintance, that I wished not to form new connexions; that I was sick of the world, and all which it could bestow; that the retirement of my lonely dwelling was most acceptable to me; that I abhorred the thought of expecting any thing like happiness in this world; and, that I thus passed weeks and months, verily believing, that I should thus finish days, which, I cherished a soothing hope, would soon be numbered. Through those sad scenes of sorrow, to which I was condemned, I had one friend, one earthly friend, from whom I derived real consolation. This friend was Mr. James Relly, the man who had been made 66 an instrument, in the hand of God, of leading me into an acquaintance with the truth, as it is in Jesus. This kind friend often visited me ; and in conversing with him, I found my heart lightened of its burden; I could better bear the pitiless storm, that beat upon me, when strengthened by the example of this son of sorrow; we frequently conversed upon the things of the kingdom, and Mr. Relly, observing my heart much warmed and enlarged by these subjects, urged me to go forth, and make mention of the loving-kindness of God. No, no, I constantly replied, it is not my design again to step forth in a public character. I have been a promulgator of falsehood. " And why not," he would interrupt, a promulgator of truth? Surely you owe this atonement to the God, who hath irradiated your understanding by the light of his countenance." But no argument, he made use of, was sufficiently strong to excite in my bosom a single wish, that I had either inclination or capability, for a character so arduous; my heart's desire was to pass, through life, unheard, unseen, unknown to all, as though I ne'er had been. I had an aversion to society, and, since I could not be permitted to leave the world, I was solicitous to retire from its noise and its nonsense; I was indeed a burden to myself, and no advantage to any body else; every place, every thing served to render me more miserable, for they led my mind to the contemplation of past scenes, of scenes never Such was the situation of my mind, when, at the house of one of Mr. Relly's hearers, I accidentally met a gentleman from America. I listened with attention to his account of the country, in which he had so long resided; I was charmed with his description of its extent, its forests, its lakes, its rivers, its towns, its inhabitants, the liberty they enjoyed, and the peace and plenty, which they possessed ; I listened to every thing with astonishment; and I turned toward the new world my most ardent wishes. I communicated my desire to visit America to my mother, to my brethren. I was ridiculed for entertaining a project so chimerical. What, cross the Atlantic! For what purpose ? To whom would I go? What could I do? What object could I have in view? I was unable to answer any of these questions; I had not a single acquaintance in America, indeed I had no wish to make acquaintance; I had nothing in prospect, but a kind of negative happiness; I did not mean to commence a voyage in pursuit of bliss, but to avoid, if possible, a part of my misery. more to return. My mind for a considerable time laboured with my purpose; many difficulties interposed; I would infinitely have preferred entering that narrow house, which is appointed for all living, but this I was not per mitted to do; and I conceived, to quit England, and to retire to America, was the next thing to be desired. Nights and days of deliberation at length convinced my judgment, and I was determined to depart for the new world. My few friends urged me most earnestly to let them apply to those, who had connexions in America, for letters of introduction, or recommendation. No, by no means, this would most effectually defeat my purpose; I would rather not go, than go thus. My object was to close my life in solitude, in the most complete retirement; and with those views I commenced preparations for my voyage. I visited the brother of my departed wife, and I beheld both him, and his children, with the same eyes a dying person would have beheld them; tears frequently stole down my face, and a thousand thoughts, that served to harrow up my soul, crowded upon me. I was determined not to repeat this scene, and I bid them adieu; could I have done this upon a bed of death, how much happier should I have been! The place I now occupied, to which I had recently removed, was extremely beautiful; it was in the vicinity of London. I had a fine garden, and a delightful prospect; but my better self had fled this globe, and with her fled my soul's calm sunshine, every heart-felt joy. I was, as I have frequently said, extremely wretched; I spake to the master of a vessel, bound to New-York; I agreed for my passage, my heart trembled, it was worse than death. He fixed the time for my departure; every arrangement was made. My brother, my widowed mother, I met them in my parlour; it was torturing. "Sit down, my son," said my weeping parent; my brother appeared a silent spectacle of sorrow: "I know you, my child, too well to expect I can alter your resolution; it is now too late to beseech you to reflect; I know have long reflected, and I am astonished to find you still determined. You have a charming situation; your prospects are good; could you but make your mind easy, you might still be happy; why, then, this aversion to life?" I interrupted her, by declaring, that the whole world would not, could not detain me longer in England; yet I passionately loved my country, and my few remaining friends shared the best affections of my heart. This voluntary exile was worse than death; but I was impelled to go, and go I must. My poor mother threw her fond arms about my neck: "Once more," said she," you leave me, but not now, as before; then you left me in my native place, among my natural connexions; then too, I had hope you would again be restored to me-but now- -" and she burst into tears; ny heart was agonized. I entreated her to consider me, as on the bed of death, you |