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one to shoot at that pleases. I know several staken all possible pains to acquire the face of these butts who are men of wit and sense, in which I shall present her to your conthough by some odd turn of humour, some sideration and favour. I am, gentlemen, unlucky čast in their person or behaviour, your most obliged humble servant, they have always the misfortune to make
"THE SPECTATOR. the company merry. The truth of it is, P. S. I desire to know whether you ada man is not qualified for a butt, who has | init people of quality.' not a good deal of wit and vivacity, even in the ridiculous side of his character. A stu
El MR. SPECTATOR--To show you there pid butt is only fit for the conversation of an ordinary people: men of wit require one
are among us of the vain weak sex, some that will give them play, and bestir him
e that have honesty and fortitude enough to self in the absurd part of his behaviour. A
dare to be ugly, and willing to be thought butt with these accomplishments frequent
so, I apply myself to you, to beg your inly gets the laugh of his side, and turns the lo
terest and recommendation to the Ugly
Club. If my own word will not be taken ridicule upon him that attacks him. Sirl John Falstaff was a hero of this species,
|(though in this case a woman's may) I can
Sy bring credible witnesses of my qualifications and gives a good description of himself in
for their company, whether they insist upon his capacity of a butt, after the following | manner: Men of all sorts,' says that merry
hus hair, forehead, eyes, cheeks, or chin; to
which I must add, that I find it easier to knight, stake a pride to gird'at me. The brain of man is not able to invent any thing
lean to my left side, than to my right. I that tends to laughter more than I invent,
les hope I am in all respects agreeable, and
for humour and mirth, I will keep up to the or is invented on me. I am not only witty |
president himself. All the favour I will in myself, but the cause that wit is in other
pretend to is, that as I am the first woman men.'
who has appeared desirous of good company and agreeable conversation, I may take and
keep the upper end of the table. And inNo. 48.] Wednesday, April 25, 1711. deed I think they want a carver, which I
can be, after as ugly a manner as they could Per multas aditum, sibi sæpe figuras Repperit
. Ovid. Met. xiv. 652. wish. I desire your thoughts of my claim Through various shapes he often finds access.
as soon as you can. Add to my features the
length of my face, which is full half-yard; My correspondents take it ill if I do not, though I never knew the reason of it till from time to time, let them know I have you gave one for the shortness of yours. If received their letters. The most effectual I knew a name ugly enough to belong to way will be to publish some of them that the above described face, I would feign one; are upon important subjects; which I shall but, to my unspeakable misfortune, my introduce with a letter of my own that I name is the only disagreeable prettiness writ a fortnight ago to a fraternity who about me; so prythee make one for me that thought fit to make me an honorary mem- signifies all the deformity in the world. You ber.
understand Latin, but be sure bring it in "To the President and Fellows of the Ugly with my being, in the sincerity of my heart, Club.
your most frightful admirer, and servant, "MAY IT PLEASE YOUR DEFORMITIES,
"HECATISSA.' . I have received the notification of the "Mr. SPECTATOR, I read your discourse honour you have done me, in admitting me upon affectation, and from the remarks made into your society. I acknowledge my want in it, examined my own heart so strictly, of merit, and for that reason shall endea- that I thought I had found out its most sevour at all times to make up my own fail- cret avenues, with a resolution to be aware ures, by introducing and recommending to of them for the future. But, alas! to my the club persons of more undoubted quali- sorrow I now understand that I have sefications than I can pretend to. I shall next veral follies which I do not know the root week come down in the stage-coach, in or- of. I am an old fellow, and extremely der to take my seat at the board; and shall troubled with the gout; but having always bring with me a candidate of each sex. a strong vanity towards being pleasing in The persons I shall present to you, are an the eyes of women, I never have a moold beau and a modern Pict. If they are ment's ease, but Iam mounted in high-heeled not so eminently gifted by nature as our as- shoes, with a glazed wax-leather instep. sembly expects, give me leave to say their Two days after a severe fit, I was invited acquired ugliness is greater than any that to a friend's house in the city, where I behas ever appeared before you. The beau lieved I should see ladies; and with my has varied his dress every day of his life usual complaisance, crippled myself to wait for these thirty years past, and still added upon them. A very sumptuous table, agreeto the deformity he was born with. The aħle company, and kind reception, were but Pict has still greater merit towards us, and so many importunate additions to the torhas, ever since she came to years of discre-ments I was in. A gentleman of the family tion, deserted the handsome party and l observed my condition; and soon after the
queen's health, he in the presence of the fee-houses. Here a man of my teinper is whole company, with his own hands, de- in his element; for if lie cannot talk, he can graded me into an old pair of his own shoes. still be more agreeable to his company, as This operation before fine ladies, to me well as pleased in himself, in being only a (who am by nature a coxcomb) was suf- hearer. It is a secret known but to few, fered with the same reluctance as they ad- yet of no small use in the conduct of life, mit the help of men in their greatest ex-(that when you fall into a man's conversatrèmity. The return of ease made metion, the first thing you should consider is, forgive the rough obligation laid on me, whether he has a greater inclination to hear which at that time relieved my body from a you, or that you should hear him. The distemper, and will my mind for ever from latter is the more general desire, and I de folly. For the charity received, I return know very able flatterers that never speak. my thanks this way. Your most humble a word in praise of the persons from whom servant.'
they obtain daily favours, but still practise "Epping, April 18. a skilful attention to whatever is uttered by “SIR,_We have your papers here the those with whom they converse. We are morning they come out, and we have been very curious to observe the behaviour of very well entertained with your last, upon great men and their clients: but the same the false ornaments of persons who repre- passions and interests move men in lower sent heroes in a tragedy. What made spheres; and I (that have nothing else to your speculation come very seasonably | do but make observations) see in every paamong us is, that we have now at this placerish, street, lane, and alley of this populous a company of strollers, who are far from city, a little potentate that has his court and offending in the impertinent splendour of his flatterers, who lay snares for his affecthe drama. They are so far from falling tion and favour, by the same arts that are into these false gallantries, that the stage is practised upon men in higher stations. here in its original situation of a cart. Alex- In the place I most usually frequent, men ander the Great was acted by a fellow in a differ rather in the time of day in which paper cravat. The next day the Earl of they make a figure, than in any real greatEssex seemed to have no distress but his ness above one another. I, who am at the poverty; and my Lord Foppington the coffee-house at six in the morning, know same morning wanted any better means to that my friend Beaver, the haberdasher, show himself a fop, than by wearing stock-has a levee of more undissembled friends ings of different colours. In a word, though | and admirers, than most of the courtiers or they have had a full barn for many days generals of Great Britain. Every man about together, our itinerants are so wretchedly him has, perhaps, a newspaper in his hand; poor, that without you can prevail to send but none can pretend to guess what step us the furniture you forbid at the play- will be taken in any one court of Europe, house, the heroes appear only like sturdy till Mr. Beaver has thrown down his pipe, beggars, and the heroines gypsies. We and declares what measures the allies must have had but one part which was performed enter into upon this new posture of affairs. and dressed with propriety, and that was Our coffee-house is near one of the inns of justice Clodpate. This was so well done, court, and Beaver has the audience and ad. that it offended Mr. Justice Overdo, who miration of his neighbours from six till in the midst of our whole audience, was within a quarter of eight, at which time he (like Quixote in the puppet-show) so highly is interrupted by the students of the house; provoked, that he told them, if they would some of whom are ready dressed for Westmove compassion, it should be in their own minster at eight in the morning, with faces persons, and not in the characters of dis- as busy as if they were retained in every tressed princes and potentates. He told cause there; and others come in their nightthem if they were so good at finding the gowns to saunter away their time, as if they way to people's hearts, they should do it at never designed to go thither. I do not know the end of bridges or church porches, in that I meet in any of my walks, objects their proper vocation of beggars. This, the which move both my spleen and laughter justice says, they must expect, since they so effectually, as those young fellows at the could not be contented to act heathen war- Grecian, Squire's, Searle's, and all other riors, and such fellows as Alexander, but coffee-houses adjacent to the law, who rise must presume to make a mockery of one early for no other purpose but to publish of the quorum. Your servant.
their laziness. One would think these young virtuosos take a gay cap and slippers, with a
scarf and party-coloured gown, to be enNo. 49.] Thursday, April 26, 1711.
signs of dignity; for the vain things approach
each other with an air, which shows they Hominem pagina nostra sapit.--Mart.
regard one another for their vestments. I Men and their manners I describe.
have observed that the superiority among IT is very natural for a man who is not these proceeds from an opinion of gallantry turned for mirthful meetings of men, or as- and fashion. The gentleman in the strawsemblies of the fair sex, to delight in that berry sash, who presides so much over the sort of conversation which we find in cof-1 rest, has, it seems, subscribed toercry opera
this last winter, and is supposed to receive wise in his sentences, and are no sooner sat favours from one of the actresses.
down at their own tables, but they hope or When the day grows too busy for these fear, rejoice or despond, as they saw him gentlemen to enjoy any longer the pleasures do at the coffee-house. In a word, every of their dishabille, with any manner of con- man is Eubulus as soon as his back is turneda fidence, they give place to men who have Having here given an account of the se. business or good sense in their faces, and veral reigns that succeed each other from come to the coffee-house either to transact day-break till dinner-time, I shall mention affairs, or enjoy conversation. The per- the monarchs of the afternoon on another sons to whose behaviour and discourse I occasion, and shut up the whole series of have most regard, are such as are between them with the history of Tom the Tyrant;# these two sorts of men; such as have not who, as the first minister of the coffee-house, spirits too active to be happy and well takes the government upon him between the pleased in a private condition, nor com- hours of eleven and twelve at night, and plexions too warm to make them neglect gives his orders in the most arbitrary manthe duties and relations of life. Of these ner to the servants below him, as to the dissort of men consist the worthier part of position of liquors, coals, and cinders. mankind; of these are all good fathers, ge
R. nerous brothers, sincere friends, and faithful subjects. Their entertainments are derived rather from reason than imagination; No. 50.7 Friday, April 27, 1711. which is the cause that there is no impatience or instability in their speech or ac
Nunquam aliud natura, aliud sapientia dixit.
Juv. Sat. xiv. 321 tion. You see in their countenances they
Good taste and nature always speak the same. are at home, and in quiet possession of the present instant as it passes, without desir- .
WHEN the four Indian kings were in this ing to quicken it by gratifying any passion, country, about a twelvemonth ago, I often or prosecuting any new design. These are mixed with the rabble and followed them the men formed for society, and those little a whole day together, being wonderfully communities which we express by the word struck with the sight of every thing that is neighbourhood.
The coffee-house is the place of ren-parture, employed a friend to make many dezvous to all that live near it. who are inquiries of their landlord the upholsterer, thus turned to relish calm and ordinary relating to their manners and conversation, life. Eubulus presides over the middle as also concerning the remarks which they hours of the day, when this assembly of made in this country: for, next to the formmen meet together. He enjoys a great for- ing a right notion of such strangers, I should tune handsomely, without launching into be desirous of learning what ideas they have expense; and exerts many noble and useful
xerts many noble and useful conceived of us.. qualities, without appearing in any public
| The upholsterer finding my friend very employment. His wisdom and knowledge inquisitive about these his lodgers, brought are serviceable to all that think fit to make him some time since a little bundle of pause of them; and he does the office of a pers, which he assured him were written counsel, a judge, an executor, and a friend by king Sa Ga Yean Qua Rash Tow, and, to all his acquaintance, not only without the as he supposes, left behind by some misprofits which attend such offices, but also take. These papers are now translated, without the deference and homage which and contain abundance of very odd observaare usually paid to them. The giving of tions, which I find this little fraternity of thanks is displeasing to him. The greatest kings made during their stay in the isle of gratitude you can show him, is to let him Great Britain. I shall present my reader see you are a better man for his services;
with a short specimen of them in this paand that you are as ready to oblige others,
per, and may perhaps communicate more as he is to oblige you.
to him hereafter. In the article of London In the private exigencies of his friends, are the following words, which without he lends at legal value considerable sums do
doubt are meant of the church of St. Paul: which he might highly increase by rolling |
On the most rising part of the town in the public stocks. He does not consider there stands a huge house, big enough to in whose hands his money will improve contain the whole nation of which I am most, but where it will do most good.
king. Our good brother E Tow O Koam, think that this prodigious pile was fashioned pick out from the dis ourse of our interpre into the shape it now bears by several tools ters; which we put together as well as we and instruments, of which they have a won- could, being able to understand but here derful variety in this country. It was pro- and there a word of what they said, and bably at first a huge misshapen rock, that afterwards making up the meaning of it grew upon the top of the hill, which the among ourselves. The men of the country natives of the country (after having cut its are very cunning and ingenious in handiinto a kind of regular figure) bored and craft works, but withal so very idle, that hollowed with incredible pains and indus- we often saw young, lusty, rawboned feltry, till they had wrought in it all those lows, carried up and down the streets in beautiful vaults and caverns into which it is little covered rooms, by a couple of porters, divided at this day. As soon as this rock who are hired for that service. Their dress was thus curiously scooped to their liking, is likewise very barbarous, for they almost a prodigious number of hands must have strangle themselves about the neck, and been employed in chipping the outside of bind their bodies with several ligatures, it, which is now as smooth as the surface of that we are apt to think are the occasion a pebble; and is in several places hewn out of several distempers among them, which into pillars that stand like the trunks of so our country is entirely free from. Instead many trees bound about the top with gar- of those beautiful feathers with which we lands of leaves. It is probable that when / adorn our heads, they often buy up a monthis great work was begun, which must strous bush of hair, which covers their have been many hundred years ago, there heads, and falls down in a large fleece bewas some religion among this people; for low the middle of their backs; and with they give it the name of a temple, and have which they walk up and down the streets, a tradition that it was designed for men to and are as proud of it as if it was of their pay their devotions in. And indeed there own growth. are several reasons which make us think We were invited to one of their public that the natives of this country had formerly diversions, where we hoped to have seen among them some sort of worship; for they the great men of their country running set apart every seventh day as sacred: but down a stag, or pitching a bar, that we upon my going into one of these holy houses might have discovered who were the peron that day, I could not observe any cir- sons of the greatest abilities among them; cumstance of devotion in their behaviour, but instead of that, they conveyed us into a There was indeed a man in black, who was huge room lighted up with abundance of mounted above the rest, and seemed to ut- candles, where this lazy people sat still ter something with a great deal of vehe- above three hours to see several feats of mence; but as for those underneath him, ingenuity performed by others, who it instead of paying their worship to the deity seems were paid for it. of the place, they were most of them bowl As for the women of the country, not ing and curtseying to one another, and a being able to talk with them, we could only considerable number of them fast asleep, make our remarks upon them at a distance,
little diurnal audience, that when he shakes by the hands of that great God to whom it his head at any piece of public news, they is consecrated. The kings of Granajah and all of them appear dejected: and on the of the Six Nations believe that it was contrary, go home to their dinners with a created with the earth, and produced on. good stomach and cheerful aspect when the same day w Eubulus seems to intimate that things go for my own part, by the best information well. Nay, their veneration towards him that I could get of this matter, I am apt to is so great, that when they are in other
len, they are in other * The waiter of that coffee-house, frequently nick company they sneak and act after him: arel named Sir Thomas.
The queen of the country appointed two They let the hair of their heads grow to a men to attend us, that had enough of our great length; but as the men make a great language to make themselves understood in show with heads of hair that are none of some few particulars. But we soon per- | their own, the women, who they say have ceived these two were great enemies to one very fine heads of hair, tie it up in a knot, another, and did not always agree in the and cover it from being seen. The women same story. We could make shift to gather look like angels, and would be more beautiout of one of them, that this island was very ful than the sun, were it not for little black much infested with a monstrous kind of spots that are apt to break out in their animals, in the shape of men, called whigs, faces, and sometimes rise in very odd and he often told us, that he hoped we figures. I have observed that those little should meet with none of them in our way, blemishes wear off very soon; but when for that if we did, they would be apt to they disappear in one part of the face, they knock us down for being kings.
are very apt to break out in another, insoOur other interpreter used to talk very much that I have seen a spot upon the foremuch of a kind of animal called a tory, that head in the afternoon, which was upon the was as great a monster as the whig, and chin in the morning.' would treat us as ill for being foreigners. The author then proceeds to show the These two creatures, it seems are born absurdity of breeches and petticoats, with with a secret antipathy to one another, and many other curious observations, which I engage when they meet as naturally as the shall reserve for another occasioni. I cannot elephant and the rhinoceros. But as we however conclude this paper without taksaw none of either of these species, we are ing notice, that amidst these wild remarks apt to think that our guides deceived us there now and then appears something very with misrepresentations and fictions, and reasonable. I cannot likewise forbear obamused us with an account of such mon- serving, that we are all guilty in some measters as are not really in their country. sure of the same narrow way of thinking
These particulars we made a shift to which we meet with in this abstract of the
Indian journal, wien we fancy the customs, | desire of multiplying our species, and that dresses, and manners of other countries are is the polite Sir George Etheridge; if I unridiculous and extravagant, if they do not derstand what the lady would be at, in the resemble those of our own.
play called She would if She could. Other poets have here and there given an intima
tion that there is this design, under all the No. 51.] Saturday, April 28, 1711. disguises and affectations which a lady may
put on; but no author, except this, has Torquet ab obscenis jam nunc sermonibus aurem. made sure work of it, and put the imagina
Hor. Lib. 2. Ep. 1. 127.
tions of the audience upon this one purpose He from the taste obscene reclaims our youth.--Pope. from the beginning to the end of the comedy.
6 MR. SPECTATOR,--My fortune, quality, It has always fared accordingly; for wheand person, are such as render me as con-ther it be that all who go to this piece spicuous as any young woman in town. It would if they could, or that the innocents is in my power to enjoy it in all its vanities, go to it, to guess only what she would if but I have from a very careful education, she could, the play has always been well contracted a great aversion to the forward / received air and fashion which is practised in all It lifts a heavy empty sentence, when public places and assemblies. I attribute there is added to it a lascivious gesture of this very much to the style and manner of body; and when it is too low to be raised our plays, I was last night at the Funeral, * even by that, a flat meaning is enlivened by where a confident lover in the play speak- making it a double one. Writers who want ing of his mistress, cries out-Oh that genius, never fail of keeping this secret in Harriet! to fold these arms about the waist reserve, to create a laugh or raise a clap. of that beauteous, struggling, and at last I, who know nothing of women but from yielding fair!” Such an image as this ought seeing plays, can give great guesses at the by no means to be presented to a chaste and whole structure of the fair sex, by being regular audience. I expect your opinion of innocently placed in the pit, and insulted this sentence, and recommend to your con- by the petticoats of their dancers; the adsideration, as a Spectator, the conduct of vantages of whose pretty persons are a the stage at present with relation to chas- great help to a dull play, When a poet tity and modesty. I am, Sir, your constant Hags in writing lusciously, a pretty girl can reader and well-wisher.'
move lasciviously, and have the same good The complaint of this young lady is so
consequence for the author. Dull poets in
2s so this case use their audiences, as dull parajust, that the offence is gross enough to have sit
esites do their patrons; when they cannot displeased persons who cannot pretend to
to longer divert them with their wit or huthat delicacy and modesty, of which she is mistress. But there is a great deal to be
Smour, they bait their ears with something
be which is agreeable to their temper, though would but consider the difficulty of keeping resist being pleased, if you give him an acup a sprightly dialogue for five acts to
count of a delicious meal; or Clodius, if you gether, they would allow a writer, when
describe a wanton beauty: though at the he wants wit, and cannot please any otherwise, to help it out with a little smuttiness,
same time, if you do not awake those in
clinations in them, no men are better judges I will answer for the poets, that no one
of what is just and delicate in conversation. ever writ bawdry, for any other reason but
But as I have before observed, it is easier to dearth of invention. When the author can
talk to the man than to the man of sense. not strike out of himself any more of that
It is remarkable that the writers of least which he has superior to those who make,
learning are best skilled in the luscious up the bulk of his audience, his natural re-/
way. The poetesses of the age have done course is to that which he has in common
wonders in this kind; and we are obliged with them; and a description which grati
11 to the lady who writ Ibrahim, t for introfies a sensual appetite will please, when the
ducing a preparatory scene to the very acauthor has nothing about him to delight a
tion, when the emperor throws his handrefined imagination. It is to such a poverty
kerchief as a signal for his mistress to folwe must impute this and all other sentences
low him into the most retired part of the in plays, which are of this kind, and which
seraglio. It must be confessed his Turkish are commonly termed luscious expressions. This expedient to supply the deficiencies
majesty went off with a good air, but me
thought we made but a sad figure who of wit, has been used more or less by most
waited without. This ingenious gentlewoof the authors who have succeeded on the stage; though I know but one who has pro
man, in this piece of. bawdry, refined upon
an author of the same sex, I who, in the fessedly writ a play upon the basis of the
Rover, makes a country 'squire strip to his
Holland drawers. For Blunt is disappoint* The Funeral, or Grief Alamode, a comedy by Sir Richard Steele.--Much to the honour of Sir Richard, he attended to the letter of his fair correspondent, and in a
I to the utmost. The pleasantry of stripping subsequent edition of his comedy, expunged all the ob. noxious passages.
† Mrs. Mary Pix.
| Mrs. Aphara Behn.