good success. He was placed upon a table in the great point of view, and looking upon the company, like Milton's Death, 'Grinn'd horribly a ghastly smile His muscles were so drawn together on each side of his face, that he showed twenty teeth at a grin, and put the country in some pain, lest a foreigner should carry away the honour of the day; but upon a further trial | they found he was master only of the merry grin. sion. I would nevertheless leave to the The next that mounted the table was a malecontent in those days, and a great master in the whole art of grinning, but particularly excelled in the angry grin. He did his part so well, that he is said to have made half a dozen women miscarry; but the justice being apprized by one who stood No. 174.] Wednesday, September 19, 1711. near him, that the fellow who grinned in his face was a Jacobite, and being unwilling Hæc memini et victum frustra contendere Thyrsin. that a disaffected person should win the Virg. Ecl. vii. 69 gold ring, and be looked upon as the best The whole debate in mem'ry I retain, grinner in the country, he ordered the oaths When Thyrsis argued warmly, but in vain.—P. to be tendered unto him upon his quitting THERE is scarce any thing more comthe table, which the grinner refusing he mon than animosities between parties that was set aside as an unqualified person. cannot subsist but by their agreement: this There were several other grotesque figures was well represented in the sedition of the that presented themselves; which it would members of the human body in the old be too tedious to describe. I must not how-Roman fable.* It is often the case of lesser ever omit a ploughman who lived in the confederate states against a superior power, farther part of the country, and being very lucky in a pair of long lantern-jaws, wrung his face into such a hideous grimace, that every feature of it appeared under a different distortion. The whole company stood astonished at such a complicated grin, and were ready to assign the prize to him, had it not been proved by one of his antagonists, that he had practised with verjuice for some days before, and had a crab found upon him at the very time of grinning; upon which the best judges of grinning declared it as their opinion, that he was not to be looked upon as a fair grinner, and therefore or dered him to be set aside as a cheat. The prize it seems at length fell upon a cobbler, Giles Gorgon by name, who produced several new grins of his own invention, having been used to cut faces for many years together over his last. At the very first grin he cast every human feature out of his countenance, at the second he beof his countenance, at the second he became the face of a spout, at the third a baboon, at the fourth a head of a bass-viol, and at the fifth a pair of nut-crackers. The whole assembly wondered at his accomplishments, and bestowed the ring on him unanimously; but, what he esteemed more than all the rest, a country wench, whom he had wooed in vain for above five years before, was so charmed with his grins, and the applauses which he received on all sides, that she married him the week following, and to this day wears the prize upon her finger, the cobbler having made use of it as his wedding ring. This paper might perhaps seem very impertinent, if it grew serious in the conclu which are hardly held together, though their unanimity is necessary for their common safety; and this is always the case of the landed and trading interests of Great Britain; the trader is fed by the product of the land, and the landed man cannot be clothed but by the skill of the trader: and yet those interests are ever jarring. We had last winter an instance of this at our club, in Sir Roger de Coverley and Sir Andrew Freeport, between whom there is generally a constant, though friendly opposition of opinions. It happened that one of the company, in an historical discourse, was observing, that Carthaginian faith was a proverbial phrase to intimate breach of leagues. Sir Roger said it could hardly be otherwise: that the Carthaginians were the greatest traders in the world; and as gain is the chief end of such a people, they never pursue any other: the means to it are never regarded; they will, if it comes easily, get money honestly; but if not, they will not scruple to attain it by fraud, or cozenage: and indeed, what is the whole business of the trader's account, but to overreach him who trusts to his memory? But were not that so, what can there great and noble be expected from him whose attention is ever fixed upon balancing his books, and watching over his expences? And at best let frugality and parsimony be the virtues of the merchant, how much is his punctual dealing below a gentleman's charity to the poor, or hospitality among his neighbours? Captain Sentry observed Sir Andrew very * Livii Hist. Dec. 1. Lib. ii. cap. ii diligent in hearing Sir Roger, and had a mind to turn the discourse, by taking notice in general, from the highest to the lowest parts of human society, there was a secret, though unjust, way among men, of indulging the seeds of ill-nature and envy, by comparing their own state of life to that of another, and grudging the approach of their neighbour to their own happiness; and on the other side, he, who is the less at his ease, repines at the other, who he thinks has unjustly the advantage over him. Thus the civil and military lists look upon each other with much ill-nature; the soldier repines at the courtier's power, and the courtier rallies the soldier's honour; or, to come to lower instances, the private men in the horse and foot of an army, the carmen and coachmen in the city streets, mutually look upon each other with ill-will, when they are in competition for quarters, or the way in their respective motions. reproach. For a man to be mistaken in the calculation of his expense, in his ability to answer future demands, or to be impertinently sanguine in putting his credit to too great adventure, are all instances of as much infamy, as with gayer nations to be failing in courage, or common honesty. Numbers are so much the measure of every thing that is valuable, that it is not possible to demonstrate the success of any action, or the prudence of any undertaking, without them. I say this in answer to what Sir Roger is pleased to say, "that little that is truly noble can be expected from one who is ever poring on his cash book, or balancing his accounts. " When 1 have my returns from abroad, I can tell to a shilling, by the help of numbers, the profit or loss by my adventure; but I ought also to be able to show that I had reason for making it, either from my own experience or that of other people, or from a reasonable presumption that my returns will be sufficient to answer my expense and hazard; and this is never to be done without the skill of numbers. For instance, if I am to trade to Turkey, I ought beforehand to "It is very well, good captain,' interrupted Sir Andrew: you may attempt to turn the discourse if you think fit; but I must however have a word or two with Sir Roger, who, I see, thinks he has paid me off, and been very severe upon the mer-know the demand of our manufactures chant. I shall not,' continued he, 'at this there, as well as of their silks in England, time remind Sir Roger of the great and and the customary prices that are given noble monuments of charity and public for both in each country. I ought to have spirit, which have been erected by mer- a clear knowledge of these matters beforechants since the reformation, but at present hand, that I may presume upon sufficient content myself with what he allows us, par- returns to answer the charge of the cargo simony and frugality. If it were consistent I have fitted out, the freight and assurance with the quality of so ancient a baronet as out and home, the customs to the queen, Sir Roger, to keep an account, or measure and the interest of my own money, and bethings by the most infallible way, that of sides all these expenses a reasonable profit numbers, he would prefer our parsimony to myself. Now what is there of scandal in to his hospitality. If to drink so many this skill? What has the merchant done, hogsheads is to be hospitable, we do not that he should be so little in the good graces contend for the fame of that virtue; but it of Sir Roger? He throws down no man's would be worth while to consider, whether inclosures, and tramples upon no man's so many artificers at work ten days together corn; he takes nothing from the industrious by my appointment, or so many peasants labourer; he pays the poor man for his made merry on Sir Roger's charge, are the work; he communicates his profit with men more obliged? I believe the families mankind; by the preparation of his cargo, of the artificers will thank me more than and the manufacture of his returns, he the household of the peasants shall Sir furnishes employment and subsistence to Roger. Sir Roger gives to his men, but I greater numbers than the richest nobleplace mine above the necessity or obliga- man; and even the nobleman is obliged to tion of my bounty. I am in very little pain him for finding out foreign markets for the for the Roman proverb upon the Carthagi- produce of his estate, and for making a nian traders; the Romans were their pro-great addition to his rents: and yet it is cerfessed enemies: I am only sorry no Cartha-tain that none of all these things could be ginian histories have come to our hands: done by him without the exercise.of his we might have been taught perhaps by skill in numbers. them some proverbs against the Roman "This is the economy of the merchant, generosity, in fighting for, and bestowing and the conduct of the gentleman must be other people's goods. But since Sir Roger the same, unless by scorning to be the has taken occasion, from an old proverb, steward, he resolves the steward shall be to be out of humour with merchants, it the gentleman. The gentleman, no more should be no offence to offer one not quite than the merchant, is able, without the so old, in their defence. When a man hap- help of numbers, to account for the success pens to break in Holland, they say of him of any action, or the prudence of any adthat "he has not kept true accounts." This venture. If, for instance, the chase is his phrase, perhaps, among us, would appear whole adventure, his only returns must be a soft or humourous way of speaking, but the stag's horns in the great hall, and the with that exact nation it bears the highest fox's nose upon the stable door. Without doubt Sir Roger knows the full value of these returns: and if beforehand he had computed the charges of the chase, a gentleman of his discretion would certainly have hanged up all his dogs: he would never have brought back so many fine horses to the kennel; he would never have gone so often, like a blast, over fields of corn. If such too had been the conduct of all his ancestors, he might truly have boasted at this day, that the antiquity of his family had never been sullied by a trade; a merchant had never been permitted with his whole estate to purchase a room for his picture in the gallery of the Coverleys, or to claim his descent from the maid of honour. But it is very happy for Sir Roger that the merchant paid so dear for his ambition. It is the misfortune of many other gentlemen to turn out of the seats of their ancestors, to make way for such new masters as have been more exact in their accounts than themselves; and certainly he deserves the estate a great deal better who has got it by his industry, than he who has lost it by his negligence." T. number of her gazers lessened, resolved 'Sir, I am plagued every moment in the day, one way or other, in my own chambers; and the Jezebel has the satisfaction to know, No. 175.] Thursday, September 20, 1711. that though I am not looking at her, I am listening to her impertinent dialogues, that pass over my head. I would immediately change my lodgings, but that I think it might look like a plain confession that I am conquered; and besides this, I am told that most quarters of the town are infested with these creatures. If they are so, I am sure it is such an abuse as a lover of learn I SHALL this day entertain my readers with two or three letters I have received from my correspondents: the first discovers to me a species of females which have hitherto escaped my notice, and is as fol-ing and silence ought to take notice of. lows: 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am a young gentleman of a competent fortune, and a sufficient taste of learning, to spend five or six hours every day very agreeably among my books. That I might have nothing to divert me from my studies, and to avoid the noise of coaches and chairmen, I have taken lodgings in a very narrow street, not far from Whitehall; but it is my misfortune to be so posted, that my lodgings are directly opposite to those of a Jezebel. You are to know, sir, that a Jezebel (so called by the neighbourhood from displaying her pernicious charms at her window,) appears constantly dressed at her sash, and has a thousand little tricks and fooleries to attract the eyes of all the idle young fellows in the neighbourhood. I have seen more than six persons at once from their several windows observing the Jezebel I am now complaining of. I at first looked on her myself with the highest contempt, could divert myself with her airs for half an hour, and afterwards take up my Plutarch with great tranquillity of mind; but was a little vexed to find that in less than a month she had considerably stolen upon my time, so that I resolved to look at her no more. But the Jezebel, who, as I suppose, might think it a diminution to her honour, to have the 'I am, sir, yours, &c.' that my young student is touched with a I am afraid, by some lines in this letter, distemper which he hardly seems to dream of, and is too far gone in it to receive advice. However, I shall animadvert in due time on the abuse which he mentions, having myself observed a nest of Jezebels near the Temple, who make it their diversion that at the same time they may see them to draw up the eyes of young Templars; stumble in an unlucky gutter which runs under the window. MR. SPECTATOR,-I have lately read the conclusion of your forty-seventh specu lation upon butts with great pleasure, and have ever since been thoroughly persuaded that one of those gentlemen is extremely necessary to enliven conversation. I had an entertainment last week upon the water, for a lady to whom I make my addresses, with several of our friends of both sexes. To divert the company in general, and to show my mistress in particular my genius for raillery, I took one of the most celebrated butts in town along with me. It is with the utmost shame and confusion that I must acquaint you with the sequel of my adventure. As soon as we were got into the boat, I played a sentence or two at my had the assurance to affirm amidst a circle of female inquisitors, who were present at the opening of the box, that this was the newest fashion worn at court. Accordingly the next Sunday, we had several females, who came to church with their heads dressed wholly in ribands, and looked like so many victims ready to be sacrificed. This is still a reigning mode among us. At the same time we have a set of gentlemen who take the liberty to appear in all public places without any buttons to their coats, which they supply with several little silver hasps, though our freshest advices from London make no mention of any such fashion; and we are something shy of affording matter to the button-makers for a second petition. butt which I thought very smart, when my | London milliner, I am not able to inform ill genius, who I verily believe inspired you; but among the rest, there was one him purely for my destruction, suggested cherry-coloured riband, consisting of about to him such a reply, as got all the laughter half a dozen yards, made up in the figure on his side. I was dashed at so unexpected of a small head-dress. The aforesaid lady a turn; which the butt perceiving, resolved not to let me recover myself, and pursuing his victory, rallied and tossed me in a most unmerciful and barbarous manner until we came to Chelsea. I had some small success | while we were eating cheese-cakes; but coming home, he renewed his attacks with his former good fortune, and equal diversion to the whole company. In short, sir, I must ingenuously own that I never was so handled in all my life: and to complete my misfortune, I am since told that the Dutt, flushed with his late victory, has made a visit or two to the dear object of my wishes, so that I am at once in danger of losing all my pretensions to wit, and my mistress into the bargain. This, sir, is a true account of my present troubles, which you are the more obliged to assist "What I would humbly propose to the me in, as you were yourself in a great public is, that there may be a society measure the cause of them, by recom-erected in London, to consist of the most mending to us an instrument, and not instructing us at the same time how to play upon it. skilful persons of both sexes, for the inspection of modes and fashions; and that hereafter no person or persons shall presume to appear singularly habited in any part of the country, without a testimonial from the aforesaid society, that their dress is answerable to the mode at London. By this means, sir, we shall know a little whereabout we are. 'I have been thinking whether it might not be highly convenient, that all butts should wear an inscription affixed to some part of their bodies, showing on which side they are to be come at, and that if any of them are persons of unequal tempers, there should be some method taken to inform the world at what time it is safe to attack them, and when you had best let them alone. But, submitting these matters to your more serious consideration, I am, sir, yours, &c.' I have indeed, seen and heard of several young gentlemen under the same misfortune with my present correspondent. The No. 176.] Friday, September 21, 1711. best rule I can lay down for them to avoid the like calamities for the future, is thoroughly to consider, not only "Whether their companions are weak," but "Whether themselves are wits." The following letter comes to me from Exeter, and being credibly informed that what it contains is matter of fact, I shall give it my reader as it was sent to me. Exeter, Sept. 7. 'If you could bring this matter to bear, you would very much oblige great numbers of your country friends, and among the rest, your very humble servant. X 'JACK MODISH.' Parvula, pumilio, zagırav μsz, tota merum sal. A little, pretty, witty, charming she! • Mr. SpectatoR,-You were pleased in a late speculation to take notice of the in- 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I do not deny but convenience we lie under in the country, in you appear in many of your papers to unnot being able to keep pace with the derstand human life pretty well; but there fashion. But there is another misfor-are very many things which you cannot tune which we are subject to, and is no less grievous than the former, which has hitherto escaped your observation. I mean the having things palmed upon us for London fashions, which were never once heard of there. possibly have a true notion of, in a single life; these are such as respect the married state; otherwise I cannot account for your having overlooked a very good sort of people, which are commonly called in scorn the Hen-peckt. You are to understand A lady of this place had some time since that I am one of those innocent mortals a box of the newest ribands sent down by who suffer derision under that word, for the coach. Whether it was her own ma-being governed by the best of wives. It licious invention, or th. wantonness of a would be worth your consideration to enter mto the nature of affection itself, and tell | pretty." To this she answers, "All the us according to your philosophy, why it is world but you think I have as much sense that our dears should do what they will as yourself." I repeat to her, "Indeed you with us, shall be froward, ill-natured, as- are pretty. are pretty." Upon this there is no pasuming, sometimes whine, at others, rail, tience; she will throw down any thing then swoon away, then come to life, have about her, stamp, and pull off her headthe use of speech to the greatest fluency clothes. "Fy, my dear," say I, "how imaginable, and then sink away again, and can a woman of your sense fall into such an all because they fear we do not love them intemperate rage?" This is an argument enough; that is, the poor things love us so that never fails. Indeed, my dear," says heartily, that they cannot think it possible she, "you make me mad sometimes, so we should be able to love them in so great you do, with the silly way you have of a degree, which makes them take on so. treating me like a pretty idiot. Well, I say, sir, a true good-natured man, whom what have I got by putting her into good rakes and libertines call hen-peckt, shall humour? Nothing, but that I must convince fall into all these different moods with his her of my good opinion by my practice; dear life, and at the same time see they are and then I am to give her possession of my wholly put on; and yet not be hard-hearted little ready-money, and, for a day and a enough to tell the dear good creature that half following, dislike all she dislikes, and she is an hypocrite. extol every thing she approves. I am so exquisitely fond of this darling, that I seldom see any of my friends, am uneasy in all companies until I see her again; and when I come home she is in the dumps, because she says she is sure I came so soon only because I think her handsome. I dare not upon this occasion laugh: but though I am one of the warmest churchmen in the kingdom, I am forced to rail at the times, because she is a violent Whig. Upon this we talk politics so long, that she is convinced I kiss her for her wisdom. It is a common practice with me to ask her some question concerning the constitution, which she answers me in general out of Harrington's Oceana. Then I commend her strange memory, and her arm is immediately locked in mine. While I keep her in this temper she plays before me, sometimes dancing in the midst of the room, sometimes striking an air at her spinet, varying her posture and her charms in such a manner that I am in continual pleasure. She will play the fool if I allow her to be wise! but if she suspects I like her for her trifling, she immediately grows grave. "This sort of good men is very frequent in the populous and wealthy city of London, and is the true hen-peckt man. The kind creature cannot break through his kindnesses so far as to come to an explanation with the tender soul, and therefore goes on to comfort her when nothing ails her, to appease her when she is not angry, and to give her his cash when he knows she does not want it; rather than be uneasy for a whole month, which is computed by hardhearted men the space of time which a froward woman takes to come to herself, if you have courage to stand out.. 'There are indeed several other species of the hen-peckt, and in my opinion they are certainly the best subjects the queen has; and for that reason I take it to be your duty to keep us above contempt. "I do not know whether I make myself anderstood in the representation of a henpeckt life, but I shall take leave to give you an account of myself, and my own spouse. You are to know that I am reckoned no fool, have on several occasions been tried whether I will take ill-usage, and the event has been to my advantage; and yet there is not such a slave in Turkey as I am to my dear. She has a good share of wit, and is what you call a very pretty agreeable woman. I perfectly doat on her, and my affection to her gives me all the anxieties imaginable but that of jealousy. My being thus confident of her, I take, as much as I can judge of my heart, to be the reason, that whatever she does, though it be never so much against my inclination, there is still left something in her manner that is amiable. She will sometimes look at me with an assumed grandeur, and pretend to resent that I have not had respect enough for her opinion in such an instance in company. I cannot but smile at the pretty anger she is in, and then she pretends she is used like a child. In a word, our great debate is, which has the superiority in point of understanding. She is eternally forming an argument of debate; to which I very indolently answer, "Thou art mighty "These are the toils in which I am taken, and I carry off my servitude as well as most men; but my application to you is in behalf of the hen-peckt in general, and I desire a dissertation from you in defence of us. You have, as I am informed, very good authorities in our favour, and hope you will not omit the mention of the renowned Socrates, and his philosophic resignation to his wife Xantippe. This would be a very good office to the world in general, for the henpeckt are powerful in their quality and numbers, not only in cities, but in courts, in the latter they are ever the most obsequious, in the former the most wealthy of all men. When you have considered wedlock thoroughly, you ought to enter into the suburbs of matrimony, and give us an account of the thraldom of kind keepers and irresolute lovers; the keepers who cannot quit their fair ones, though they see their approaching ruin; the lovers who dare not marry, though they know they never |