Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned war will there be among future critics about the original of that club, which both universities will contend so warmly for? And pernaps some hardy Cantabrigian author may then boldly affirm, that the word Oxford was an interpolation of some Oxonian instead of Cambridge. This affair will be best adjusted in your life-time; but I hope your affection to your mother will not make you partial to your aunt. To tell you, sir, my own opinion: though I cannot find any ancient records of any acts of the society of the Ugly Faces, considered in a public capacity; yet, in a private one, they have certainly antiquity on their side. I am persuaded they will hardly give place to the Loungers, and the Loungers are of the same standing with the university itself. "Though we well know, sir, you want no motives to do justice, yet I am commissioned to tell you, that you are invited to be admitted ad eundem at Cambridge; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver this as the wish of our whole university.' • To Mr. Spectator. The humble Petition of WHO and 6 What hopes 'WHO confess their faults. The Spanish proverb says, El sabio No. 79.] Thursday, May 31, 1711. We R. That your petitioners being in a forlorn Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xvi. 52. and destitute condition, know not to whom The good, for virtue's sake, abhor to sin.-Creech. we should apply ourselves for relief, beI HAVE received very many letters of late cause there is hardly any man alive who from my hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with whom are very angry with me for abridgfemale correspondents, most of sorrow, even you yourself, whom we should suspect of such a practice the lasting their pleasures, and looking severely of all mankind, can hardly acquit yourself upon things in themselves indifferent. But I think they are extremely unjust to me in of having given us some cause of com- this imputation. All I contend for is, that plaint. We are descended of ancient families, and kept up our dignity and honour those excellencies, which are to be regarded but in the second place, should not precede many years, till the jack-sprat THAT supplanted us. How often have we found ourmore weighty considerations. The heart of selves slighted by the clergy in their pul- half a life spent in discourses on the subjecman deceives him in spite of the lectures of pits, and the lawyers at the bar? Nay, how tion of passion; and I do not know why one often have we heard, in one of the most polite and august assemblies in the uni- may not think the heart of woman as unverse, to our great mortification, these faithful to itself. If we grant an equality in words, That THAT that noble lord urged; the faculties of both sexes, the minds of which if one of us had had justice done, and consequently may, without disrespect women are less cultivated with precepts, would have sounded nobler thus, That to them, be accounted more liable to illuWHICH that noble lord urged.' Senators themselves, the guardians of British liber- sion, in cases wherein natural inclination is ty, have degraded us, and preferred THAT out of the interests of virtue. I shall take to us; and yet no decree was ever given billet or two which came from ladies, and up my present time in commenting upon a against us. In the very acts of parlia- from thence leave the reader to judge whement, in which the utmost right should ther I am in the right or not, in thinking it be done to every body, word, and thing, is possible fine women may be mistaken. we find ourselves often either not used, or The following address seems to have ne used one instead of another. In the first other design in it, but to tell me the writer and best prayer children are taught, they will do what she pleases for all me. learn to misuse us: Our Father WHICH art in heaven,' should be Our Father, WHO 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am young, and art in heaven;' and even a Convocation, very much inclined to follow the paths of after long debates, refused to consent to an innocence; but at the same time, as I have alteration of it. In our General Confession a plentiful fortune, and am of quality, I am we say, 'Spare thou them, O God, WHICH unwilling to resign the pleasures of distincConfess their faults,' which ought to be tion, some little satisfaction in being ad many, must be your chief care; for upon the propriety of such writings depends a great deal. I have known those among us who think, if they every morning and evening spend an hour in their closet, and read over so many prayers in six or seven books of devotion, all equally nonsensical, with a sort of warmth, (that might as well be raised by a glass of wine, or a dram of citron,) they may all the rest of their time go on in whatever their particular passion leads them to. The beauteous Philautia, who is (in your language) an idol, is one of these votaries; she has a very pretty furnished closet, to which she retires at her mired in general, and much greater in being beloved by a gentleman whom I design to make my husband. But I have a mind to put off entering into matrimony till another winter is over my head, which (whatever, musty sir, you may think of the matter) I design to pass away in hearing music, going to plays, visiting, and all other satisfactions which fortune and youth, protected by innocence and virtue, can procure for, sir, your most humble servant, M. T. 'My lover does not know I like him, therefore having no engagements upon me, I think to stay and know whether I may not like any one else better.' I have heard Will Honeycomb say, Aappointed hours.-This is her dressingwoman seldom writes her mind but in her room, as well as chapel; she has constantly postscript.' I think this gentlewoman has before her a large looking-glass; and upon sufficiently discovered her's in this. I will the table, according to a very witty author, lay what wager she pleases against her At once t'improve the sinner and the saint.' present favourite, and can tell her that she will like ten more before she is fixed, and 'It must be a good scene, if one could be then will take the worst man she ever liked present at it, to see this idol by turns lift up n_her life. There is no end of affection her eyes to heaven, and steal glances at her taken in at the eyes only; and you may as own dear person. It cannot but be a pleaswell satisfy those eyes with seeing, as coning conflict between vanity and humiliation. When troul any passion received by them only. books which elevate the mind above the you are upon this subject, choose it is from loving by sight, that coxcombs so frequently succeed with women, and very little things in it. For want of such instrucworld, and give a pleasing indifference to often a young lady is bestowed by her pa- tions, I am apt to believe so many people itself, though she has, in her own heart, take it in their heads to be sullen, cross, given her approbation of a different man in and angry, under pretence of being abevery assembly she was in the whole year at the same time they betray their fondness stracted from the affairs of this life, when before. What is wanting among women as well as among men is the love of laudable for them by doing their duty as a task, and things, and not to rest only on the forbear-pouting and reading good books for a week ance of such as are reproachful. rents to a man who weds her as innocence How far removed from a woman of this light imagination is Eudosia! Eudosia has all the arts of life and good-breeding, with so much ease, that the virtue of her conduct looks more like instinct than choice. It is as little difficult to her to think justly of persons and things, as it is to a woman of different accomplishments to move ill or look awkward. That which was, at first, the effect of instruction, is grown into a habit; and it would be as hard for Eudosia to indulge a wrong suggestion of thought, as it would be for Flavia, the fine dancer, to come into a room with an unbecoming air. But the misapprehensions people themselves have of their own state of mind, is laid down with much discerning in the following letter, which is but an extract of a kind epistle from my charming mistress Hecatissa, who is above the vanity of external beauty, and is the better judge of the perfections of the mind. 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I write this to acquaint you, that very many ladies, as well as myself, spend many hours more than we used at the glass, for want of the female library, of which you promised us a catalogue. I hope, sir, in the choice of authors for us, you will have a particular regard to books of devotion. What they are, and how 'Together lie her prayer-book and paint, together. Much of this I take to proceed from the indiscretion of the books themselves, whose very titles of weekly preparations, and such limited godliness, lead people of ordinary capacities into great errors, and raise in them a mechanical_religion, entirely distinct from morality. I know a lady so given up to this sort of devotion, that though she employs six or eight hours of the twenty-four at cards, she never misses one constant hour of prayer, for which time another holds her cards, to which she returns with no little anxiousness till two or three in the morning. All these acts are but empty shows, and, as it were, compliments made to virtue; the mind is all the while untouched with any true pleasure in the pursuit of it. From hence I presume it arises, that so many people call themselves virtuous, from no other pretence to it but an absence of ill. There is Dulcianara, the most insolent of all creatures to her friends and domestics, upon no other pretence in nature, but that (as her silly phrase is) "No one can say black is her eye." She has no secrets, forsooth, which should make her afraid to speak her mind, and therefore she is impertinently blunt to all her acquaintance, and unseasonably imperious to all her family. Dear sir, be pleased to put such books into our hands as may make our vir tue more inward and convince some of us, B. D.' instances of applause. The decencies to which women are obliged, made these virgins stifle their resentment so far as not to break into open violences, while they equally suffered the torments of a regulated anger. Their mothers, as it is usual, engaged in the quarrel, and supported the several pretensions of their daughters with all that ill-chosen sort of expense which is common with people of plentiful fortunes and mean taste. The girls preceded their Cælum, non animum, mutant, qui trans mare currunt. parents like queens of May, in all the gaudy colours imaginable, on every Sunday, to church, and were exposed to the examination of the audience for superiority of beauty. No. 80.] Friday, June 1, 1711. Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xi. 27. Creech. During this constant struggle it happenIn the year 1688, and on the same day of ed, that Phillis one day at public prayers that year, were born in Cheapside, London, smote the heart of a gay West-Indian, who two females of exquisite feature and shape; appeared in all the colours which can affect the one we shall call Brunetta, the other an eye that could not distinguish between Phillis. A close intimacy between their being fine and tawdry. This American, in parents made each of them the first ac- a summer-island suit, was too shining and quaintance the other knew in the world. too gay to be resisted by Phillis, and too inThey played, dressed babies, acted visit-tent upon her charms to be diverted by ings, learned to dance, and make courtesies any of the laboured attractions of Brunetta. together. They were inseparable compa- Soon after, Brunetta had the mortification nions in all the little entertainments their to see her rival disposed of in a wealthy tender years were capable of: which inno- marriage, while she was only addressed to cent happiness continued until the begin-in a manner that showed she was the admining of their fifteenth year, when it hap-ration of all men, but the choice of none. pened that Phillis had a head-dress on, which became her so well, that instead of being beheld any more with pleasure for their amity to each other, the eyes of the neighbourhood were turned to remark them with comparison of their beauty. They now no longer enjoyed the ease of mind and pleasing indolence in which they were formerly happy, but all their words and actions were misinterpreted by each other, and every excellence in their speech and behaviour was looked upon as an act of emulation to surpass the other. These beginnings of disinclination soon improved into a formality of behaviour, a general coldness, and by natural steps into an irreconcilable hatred. These two rivals for the reputation of beauty, were in their stature, countenance, and mien so very much alike, that if you were speaking of them in their absence, the words in which you described the one must give you an idea of the other. They were hardly distinguishable, you would think when they were apart, though extremely different when together. What made their enmity the more entertaining to all the rest of their sex was, that in detraction from each other, neither could fall upon terms which did not hit herself as much as her adversary. Their nights grew restless with meditation of new dresses to outvie each other, and inventing new devices to recal admirers, who observed the charms of the one rather than those of the other, on the last meeting. Their colours failed at each other's appearance, flushed with pleasure at the report of a disadvantage, and their countenances withered upon Phillis was carried to the habitation of her spouse in Barbadoes. Brunetta had the illnature to inquire for her by every opportunity, and had the misfortune to hear of her being attended by numerous slaves, fanned into slumbers by successive bands of them, and carried from place to place in all the pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetta could not endure these repeated advices, but employed all her arts and charms in laying baits for any of condition of the same island, out of mere ambition to confront her once more before she died. She at last succeeded in her design, and was taken to wife by a gentleman whose estate was contiguous to that of her enemy's husband. It would be endless to enumerate the many occasions on which these irreconcilable beauties laboured to excel each other; but in process of time it happened, that a ship put into the island consigned to a friend of Phillis, who had directions to give her the refusal of all goods for apparel, before Brunetta could be alarmed of their arrival. He did so, and Phillis was dressed in a few days in a brocade more gorgeous and costly than had ever before appeared in that latitude. Brunetta languished at the sight, and could by no means come up to the bravery of her antagonist. She communicated her anguish of mind to a faithful friend, who by an interest in the wife of Phillis's merchant, procured a remnant of the same silk for Brunetta. Phillis took pains to appear in all the public places where she was sure to meet Brunetta; Brunetta was now prepared for the insult, and came to a public ball in a plain black silk mantua, attended by a beautiful negro girl in a petticoat of the same brocade with which Phillis was attired. This drew the attention of the whole company, upon which the unhappy Phillis swooned away, and was immediately conveyed to her house. As soon as she came to herself, she fled from her husband's house, went on board a ship in the road; and is now landed in inconsolable despair at Plymouth. POSTSCRIPT. After the above melancholy narration, it may perhaps be a relief to the reader to peruse the following expostulation; . To Mr. Spectator: The just Remonstrance of affronted Though I deny not the petition of Mr. WHO and WHICH, yet you should not suffer them to be rude, and to call honest people names: for that bears very hard on some of those rules of decency which you are justly famous for establishing. They may find fault, and correct speeches in the senate, and at the bar, but let them try to get themselves so often and with so much eloquence repeated in a sentence, as a great orator doth frequently intro duce me. My lords, (says he) with humble submission, That That I say is this; That That, That That gentleman has advanced, is not That That he should have proved to your lordships.' Let those two questionary petitioner's try to do thus with their Whos and their Whiches. 'What great advantage was I of to Mr. Dryden, in his Indian Emperor, "You force me still to answer you in That;' A to furnish out a rhyme to Morat? and what a poor figure would Mr. Bayes have made without his "Egad and all That?" How can a judicious man distinguish one thing from another, without saying, "This here," or "That there?" And how can a sober man, without using the expletives of oaths, (in which indeed the rakes and bullies have a great advantage over others,) make a discourse of any tolerable length, without "That is;" and if he be a very grave man indeed, without "That is to say?" And how instructive as well as entertaining are those usual expressions in the mouths of great men, "Such things as That," and "The like of That.” ‘I am not against reforming the corruptions of speech you mention, and own there are proper seasons for the introduction of other words besides That; but I scorn as much to supply the place of a Who or a Which at every turn, as they are unequal always to fill mine; and I expect good language and civil treatment, and hope to receive it for the future: That That I shall only add is, That I am, yours, R. * "THAT.' * The first Volume of the original 8vo. and 12mo. editions, as published by Tonson, closes with this paper. No. 81.] Saturday, June 2, 1711. Qualis ubi audito venantum murmure tigris As when the tigress hears the hunter's din, ABOUT the middle of last winter I went to see an opera at the theatre in the Haymarket, where I could not but take notice of two parties of very fine women, that boxes, and seemed drawn up in a kind of had placed themselves in the opposite sidebattle-array one against another. After a short survey of them, I found they were patched differently; the faces on one hand being spotted on the right side of the forehead, and those upon the other on the left. I quickly perceived that they cast hostile glances upon one another; and that their patches were placed in those different situations, as party-signals to distinguish friends from foes. In the middle-boxes, between these two opposite bodies were several ladies who patched indifferently on both sides of their faces, and seemed to sit there with no other intention but to see the opera. Upon inquiry I found that the body of Amazons on my right hand were whigs, and those on my left, tories; and that those who had placed themselves in the middle-boxes were a neutral party, whose faces had not yet declared themselves. These last, however, as I afterwards found, diminished daily, and took their party with one side or the other; insomuch that I obe served, in several of them, the patches which were before dispersed equally, are now all gone over to the whig or tory side of the face. The censorious say, that the often the occasions that one part of the face men, whose hearts are aimed at, are very is thus dishonoured, and lies under a kind of disgrace, while the other is so much set off and adorned by the owner; and that the patches turn to the right or to the left, according to the principles of the man who is most in favour. But whatsoever may be the motives of a few fantastical coquettes, who do not patch for the public good so much as for their own private advantage, it is certain that there are several women of honour who patch out of principle, and with an eye to the interest of their country. Nay, I am informed that some of them adhere so steadfastly to their party, for the public to their passion for any parand are so far from sacrificing their zeal ticular person, that in a late draught of marriage-articles, a lady has stipulated with her husband, that whatever his opinions are, she shall be at liberty to patch on which side she pleases. I must here take notice, that Rosalinda, tunately a very beautiful mole on the tory a famous whig partisan, has most unforpart of her forehead; which being very conspicuous, has occasioned many mistakes, and given a handle to her enemies to misrepresent her face, as though it had revolted from the whig interest. But whatever this natural patch may seem to intimate, it is well known that her notions of government are still the same. This unlucky mole, however, has misled several coxcombs; and like the hanging out of false colours, made some of them converse with Rosalinda in what they thought the spirit of her party, when on a sudden she has given them an unexpectd fire, that has 'sunk them all at once. If Rosalinda is unfortunate in her mole, Nigranilla is as unhappy in a pimple, which forces her, against her inclinations, to patch on the whig side. I am told that many virtuous matrons, who formerly have been taught to believe that this artificial spotting of the face was unlawful, are now reconciled by a zeal for their cause, to what they could not be prompted by a concern for their beauty. This way of declaring war upon one another, puts me in mind of what is reported of the tigress, that several spots rise in her skin when she is angry, or as Mr. Cowley has imitated the verses that stand as the motto of this paper: She swells with angry pride, And calls forth all her spots on every side.'* When I was in the theatre the time above-mentioned, I had the curiosity to count the patches on both sides, and found the tory patches to be about twenty stronger than the whig; but to make amends for this small inequality, I the next morning found the whole puppet-show filled with faces spotted after the whiggish manner. Whether or no the ladies had retreated hither in order to rally their forces I cannot tell; but the next night they came in so great a body to the opera, that they outnumbered the enemy. This account of party-patches will, I am afraid, appear improbable to those who live at a distance from the fashionable world; but as it is a distinction of a very singular nature, and what perhaps may never meet with a parallel, I think I should not have discharged the office of a faithful Spectator, had not I recorded it. I have, in former papers, endeavoured to expose this party-rage in women, as it only serves to aggravate the hatreds and animosities that reign among men, and in a great measure deprives the fair sex of those peculiar charms with which nature has endowed them. visions, that if they continue, it will be misfortune to be born in it. The Greeks thought it so improper for women to in terest themselves in competitions and con tentions, that for this reason, among others, they forbad them under pain of death, to be present at the Olympic games, notwithstanding these were the public diversions of all Greece. As our English women exceed those of all nations in beauty, they should endeavour to outshine them in all other accomplishments proper to the sex, and to distinguish themselves as tender mothers, and faithful wives, rather than as furious partisans. Female virtues are of a domestic turn. The family is the proper province for private women to shine in. If they must be showing their zeal for the public, let it not be against those who are perhaps of the same family, or at least of the same religion or nation, but against those who are the open, professed, undoubted enemies of their faith, liberty, and country. When the Romans were pressed with a foreign enemy, the ladies voluntarily contributed all their rings and jewels to assist the government under a public exigence, which appeared so laudable an action in the eyes of their countrymen, that from thenceforth it was permitted by a law to pronounce public orations at the funeral of a woman, in praise of the deceased person, which till that time was peculiar to men. Would our English ladies, instead of sticking on a patch against those of their own country, show themselves so truly public-spirited as to sacrifice every one her necklace against the common enemy, what decrees ought not to be made in favour of them. Since I am recollecting upon this subject such passages as occur to my memory out of ancient authors, I cannot omit a sentence in the celebrated funeral oration of Pericles, which he made in honour of those brave Athenians that were slain in a fight with the Lacedemonians.† After having addressed himself to the several ranks and orders of his countrymen, and shown them how they should behave themselves in the public cause, he turns to the female part of his audience: 'And as for you,' says he, 'I shall advise you in very few words. Aspire only to those virtues that are pe culiar to your sex; follow your natural modesty, and think it your greatest commendation not to be talked of one way or other.' When the Romans and Sabines were at war, and just upon the point of giving battle, the women, who were allied to both of them, interposed with so many tears and entreaties, that they prevented the No. 82.] Monday, June 4, 1711. mutual slaughter which threatened both parties, and united them together in a firm and lasting peace. I would recommend this noble example to our British ladies, at a time when their country is torn with so many unnatural di * Davideis, Book III. v. 47. way. -Caput domina venale sub hasta. His fortunes ruin'd, and himself a slave. †Thucyd. Hist. L. II. p. 130, edit. H. Steph. 1588. folio. |